Hogwarts (And Voldemort) React To AVPM Series
by writerofyesterday
Summary: The characters in Harry Potter have been summoned by a disembodied voice to watch the A Very Potter Musical series. {Crack Fic}
1. Act 1 Part 1

**Hey! So before you start reading this I would like to say two that you guys should keep in mind while reading this. My first thing is that this is a crack fic. No more, no less. My second thing is this was written for fun. I don't consider it an actual story, or even a fanfiction, because it's just a fun sort of spoof of what I think their reactions would be like. (BTW: This takes place in 6** **th** **year right after Ron and Lavender start dating.) Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, that belongs to J.K. Rowling and I don't own AVPM which belongs to the also talented group Starkid.**

 **The Golden Trio React to AVPM**

 **Act 1, Part 1**

Everyone woke up this morning, expecting it to be a casual day, but in reality it was nothing like that at all. Several people were missing from the school; Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Professor Snape, Professor Dumbledore, several D.A members and Lavender Brown. They woke up that morning in one of the classrooms that was to their surprise, locked. Suddenly a disembodied voice that sounded much like the one at the Ministry of Magic started speaking.

"Hello, I am your guide for the day. I will be playing these videos found on a muggle computer on this certain page called YouTube. The doors will remained locked till the end of all of the clips, then you will find yourself in this room again tomorrow to watch the next set of clips, and if told so it might so happen that you will find yourself yet here again for a third and final time. Please relax, and enjoy the red vines that have been given to you for your snacks." The voice finished smoothly.

Everyone began to take their spots. There were several couches to fit everyone. Hermione, of course, wanted to stay as far away from Ron as possible, and found herself sitting in between Neville and Harry, and sitting just a bit farther away from them was Ron, looking annoyed and hurt that neither of his friends would sit with him. About a minute or so later, the two people separating Hermione and Ron moved. However, instead of sitting next to Ron, Harry had a brilliant plan, and lied to Hermione about having something important to tell Neville. She looked pissed off at this but still sat next to Ron, receiving an angry look from Lavender which Hermione only rolled her eyes at, making Lavender even angrier. A screen came down and a video started to play showing the words ' _Starkid'_ written on it, and then later _A Very Potter Musical._

 **Harry: Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel the glares of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt. Can't believe how cruel they are, and it stings my lightning scar to know they'll never give me what I want.**

Harry turned red from embarrassment.

Draco snorted, "Of course you want more than what you have, Potter."

 **Harry: I know I don't deserve these awful rules made by the Dursley's, here on Privet Drive. Can't take these stupid muggles but despite all of my struggles, I'm still alive!**

Hermione glanced over Neville towards Harry, "You don't really think that, do you, Harry?"

Harry fervently shook his head, "Of course not!"

Hermione grinned and nodded, "That's what I thought."

 **Harry: I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man, it's September so I'm skipping this town. Hey, it's no mystery. There's nothing here for me now. I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I gotta get back to school! I gotta get back to Hogwarts, where everyone thinks I'm cool.**

Everyone laughed.

"Harry, you're pretty amazing, but not everyone things you're cool.", said Ginny.

She chuckled as everyone glanced in the direction of Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle. They just shrugged.

 **Harry: Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts. To goblins and ghosts, and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need, at Hogwarts, Hogwarts. I think I'm going back. I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry. Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky. No way this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome!**

"I wouldn't say that just yet, Mr. Potter.", mused Snape.

Dumbledore patted Snape's hand, "Oh, Severus. You never know what the year holds in store for you."

 **Harry: I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand. Defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on! And do it all with my best friend, Ron, cause together we're totally awesome!**

 **Ron: Yeah, cause together we're totally awesome!**

The room burst into a giant fit of laughter at the appearance of Ron, the actor looked nothing like him, and it was hilarious. The only person not laughing was Ron who looked to be in shock.

"Bloody hell." He murmured.

"Nice headband, Ron, where'd you get it? Ginny?" yelled Seamus in between his laughter.

 **Ron: Did somebody say Ron?**

 **Harry: Ron! What are you doing here?**

Harry flashed a smile towards Ron, "Always there to keep me safe from evil."

Ron grinned, "You know it."

 **Ron: Hey man, sorry it took so me so long to get here, I had to get some Floo Powder. But, get everything you need and let's get going.**

 **Harry: Where are we going?**

 **Ron: To Diagon Alley of course!**

Neville tilted his head to the side, "So they aren't first years, I assume."

Cho shrugged, "Guess not."

 **Harry: Cool!**

 **Ron: Floo Powder Power! Floo Powder Power! Floo Powder Power! Floo Powder Power! Flood Powder Power! Floo Powder Power!**

"Ron, you look ridiculous flapping your arms around like that while screaming Floo Powder Power." Ginny smiled.

"Enough! It is an actor not me, so if you could just stop teasing me, that would be fantastic.", said a pained-looking Ron.

 **Ron: It's been so long, but we're going back. Don't go for work, don't go there for class.**

 **Harry: As long as we're together.**

 **Ron: Gonna kick some ass!**

Hermione raised her eyebrow, "Referring back to 'Don't go for work, don't go there for class', what else do they plan at doing at the boarding school? Sit around all day?"

Lavender shook her head, "That would make a rather dull musical."

 **Unison: And it's gonna be totally awesome! This year we'll take everybody by storm. Stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm.**

"Okay, so what is up with this totally awesome thing? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever" said Draco.

 **Hermione: But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class, if we want to pass our O.W.L.S.!**

 **Ron: Aw, Hermione! Why do have to be such a buzzkill?!**

Hermione looked taken aback, "Is that true, guys?"

Everyone rushed to her aid verbally, with comments like;

"Of course not!"

"No!"

Or, "Even if you were we'd still love you all the same!"

 **Hermione: Because guys, school's not all about fun and games. We have to study hard if we want to be good wizards and witches. I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart. Check out my grades, they're A's for a start. What I lack in looks, well I make up in heart. And well guys, that's totally awesome. This year I plan, to study a lot.**

Draco snorted, "Frumpy is one way to put it."

Hermione glared at the blonde boy, "And egocentric is another word to describe you."

If the brunette had looked back, she would have noticed the hurt look she had marked on the boy's face.

 **Ron: That would be cool, if you were actually hot.**

 **Harry: Hey Ron, come on we're the only friends that she's got.**

Neville sighed heavily and groaned, "I thought this wasn't the first year!"

 **Ron: And that's cool**

 **Hermione: And that's totally awesome.**

 **Ron: Yeah, it's so cool.**

Dumbledore sat back in his chair, "Even I do not believe Hogwarts is that exciting."

 **Unison: Yeah, it's totally awesome! We're sick of summer and this waiting around. IT's like we're waiting in the lost and found. Don't take no sorcery, for anyone to see how. We gotta get back to Hogwarts! We gotta get back to school. We gotta get back to Hogwarts, where everything is magic- coooooooool! Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts. To goblins and ghosts, and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need, at Hogwarts, Hogwarts, I think we're going back.**

"Well," started Luna, "That was very interesting."


	2. Act 1 Part 2

**Act 1 Part 2**

 **Ginny: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madam Malkin's and use those sickles mum gave you for my robe fittings.**

 **Harry: Uh, who's this?**

Ginny guffawed, "The future love of your life, duh."

 **Ron: Oh, this is stupid little dumb sister Ginny. She's a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter, yes, Harry Potter.**

"I'll pretend that was not just said about me. Also, what is a freshman?"

"A freshman is the term for someone beginning their ninth grade year in America. So they would be about 13-15 years of age." answered Hermione.

 **Ginny: Oh! You're Harry Potter, you're the Boy Who Lived!**

 **Harry: Yeah, and you're Ginny.**

Draco sighed loudly to make his boredom known, "Way to state the obvious. When do we get out of here?"

 **Ginny: Oh! It's Ginevra.**

 **Harry: Cool, Ginny's fine.**

 **Ron: Stupid sister! Don't crowd the famous friend!**

Ginny shifted in her seat, "I think Ron is a much better brother than they are portraying him to be at the moment."

 **Hermione: Do you guys hear music or something?**

 **Harry: Music? What are you talking about?**

 **Ron: Yea, someone's coming.**

"Is that just the usual for daily life at the musical version of Hogwarts?", Parvati wondered aloud, "Oh do you hear that? Someone's on their way, I can hear the music.

 **Three Girls in Unison: Cho Chang! Domo arigato! Cho Chang! Gung hey! Fat Choy Chang! Happy Happy New Year! Cho Chang!**

"Well, that was one beautiful, er dance.", said Neville.

 **Ginny: Oh, who's that?**

 **Ron: That's Cho Chang, that's the girl Harry's totally been in love with since freshman year.**

Seamus nudged Dean, "Along with about every other guy at Hogwarts."

 **Hermione: Yeah, but he won't say anything to her.**

 **Ron: Well yeah, you never tell a girl you like her it makes you look like an idiot.**

"Do you live by rules like that, Ron?", asked Luna.

Ron shook his head, "If it is in guy code, I am not allowed to speak of it."

 **Ginny: Konichiwa, Cho Chang! I am Gin-nny Weas-ley.**

 **Lavender: Bitch, I ain't Cho Chang!**

Cho laughed, "I'm not Japanese."

 **Ron: That's Lavender Brown! Racist Sister!**

 **Cho Chang: *southern accent* Hey it's all right. I'm Cho Chang ya'll.**

"So this is how I'm portrayed? I'm a southern belle." Cho said flatly.

 **Harry: She is totally perfect!**

 **Ron: Yeah, too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory.**

"Who wouldn't? He was rather handsome.", said a rather bashful Parvati.

By using past tense, Parvati caused Cho to cry. Many people rushed to her side and comforted her on her loss.

Once Cho felt that she was composed again, everyone who had helped went back to their seats and the video was resumed.

 **Harry: What! Who the hell is Cedric Diggory?!**

 ***Cedric pushed away everyone***

Draco snickered along with Crabbe and Goyle, "Classy."

 **Cedric: Cho Chang! I am so in love with Cho Chang! From Bangkok to Dingdang! I sing my love come out for Cho Chang!**

 **Harry: I hate that guy! Hate him!**

Harry frowned, "I have never felt that way towards Cedric, I swear."

 **Ron: So are we gonna get those robes or not?**

 **Ginny: Okay, Alright I'm going!**

 **Ron: God, sister!**

"He needs to calm down.", said Dumbledore.

 **Goyle: Present your arm, nerd!**

 **Neville: Wait, what?**

 **Goyle: Indian Burn Hex!**

Goyle sat up, "Is that me?"

Draco nodded, "I believe so, Goyle."

Goyle grinned maniacally, "I like him."

 **Harry: Oh, Crabbe and Goyle.**

 **Ginny: Neville! Are you okay?**

Neville shot up, "Wait! The blonde was me?"

Hermione nodded, "Not too shabby, Neville. He looks rather nice."

Neville nodded and smiled to himself, "Yeah- he really does."

 **Harry: Hey, why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone.**

 **Goyle: Well, well, well, if it isn't Harry Potter. You think all because you're famous, you can boss everyone around?**

Harry pursed his lips, "As if I haven't heard that one before."

 **Harry: No I just don't think it's cool that guys your size are messing with people like Neville.**

 **Goyle: Well you know what I think? Glasses are for nerds! We hate nerds!**

 **Crabbe: And girls!**

Lavender stood and put her hands on her hips, "Now that- is a step too far."

 **Harry: My glasses!**

 **Ron: Oh, you asked for it! He's Harry Potter, he beat the dark lord when he was a baby!**

Harry scoffed, "Ron, I think you might be the reason I'm over confident sometimes."

 **Hermione: Alright! That's it! Everyone just calm down. Oculus Repairo!**

 **Harry: Whoa cool!**

"Did they never break it then?", asked Crabbe.

Draco rolled his eyes, "What do you think?"

 **Hermione: Now let's leave these big baby childish jerks alone!**

 **Harry: Yeah, we're out of here.**

 **Draco: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?**

Harry, along with everyone else, was laughing hysterically. "Now this-" , he said between spouts of laughter, "This is too good!"

 **Ron: What do you want Draco?**

 **Draco: Crabbe, Goyle, be a pair of turtle doves and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter back for another year of Hogwarts are you? Maybe this year, you'll wise up and hang out with higher caliber wizards.**

"It seems he already does.", said Hermione, examining her fingernails.

 **Harry: Hey listen. Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world, I wouldn't trade them for anything!**

 **Draco: Have it your way. Wait! Don't tell me! Red hair, hand-me-down clothes, and a stupid complexion. You must be a Weasley!**

"Wow, how observant!", said Ginny in a sarcastic tone.

 **Ron: Oh my god! Lay off Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, okay? But she's my pain in the ass.**

 **Draco: Well, isn't this cute. It's like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. Luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts! This year you bet, gonna get out of here. The rein of Malfoy, is right here. I'll have the greatest wizard career, it's gonna be totally awesome! Look out world, it's the dawn of the day, where everyone will do whatever I say! And Potter won't be in my way, then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!**

Ron sighed, "Is anyone keeping count of the amount of times 'totally awesome' is being said?"

 **Goyle: Yeah, you'll be the one who is totally awesome!**

 **Hermione: Guys! Come on, we're gonna miss the train!**

 **Whole School: Who knows how fast, this year's gonna go. Hand me a glass, let the butter beer flow!**

Harry furrowed his brow together, "The years do go by fast, don't they? I'm just now noticing that."

 **Harry: Maybe at last, I'll talk to Cho!**

 **Ron: Oh no! That is way too awesome!**

Cho shook her head, "Not really. It's not very hard to talk to someone just once."

 **Whole School: We're back to learn everything that we can. It's great to come back to where we began! And here we are, and alacazam! Here we go, this is totally awesome! Come on and teach us everything you know! The summer's over, and we're itching to go!**

 **Neville: I think we're ready for, Albus Dumbledore!**

Dumbledore sat forward in his chair, "Here we go, students."

 **Whole School: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!**

 **Dumbledore: Welcommmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!** **All of you to Hogwarts! I welcome all of you to school! Did you know that here at Hogwarts, we've got a hidden swimming pool! Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts. Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools. Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts, I'd like to go over just a couple of rules. My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I am headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore. Course you could also call me Albus, if you want a detention. I'm just kidding, I'll expel you if you call me Albus.**

"I like the beard, Headmaster.", said Snape, who somehow, was able to suppress his laughter.

 **Whole School: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts. To goblins and ghosts, and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts. Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends. To Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Raven claw, Slytherin! Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts, Hogwarts**

 **Dumbledore: I'm sorry, what did you say?**

Ron gauged the room, "Anyone up for also recording how many times Hogwarts is said?"

 **Whole School: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!**

 **Dumbledore: I didn't hear you kids!**

 **Whole School: Hogwarts! Hogwarts!**

 **Harry: Man, I'm glad I'm back.**

"Are we done singing about Hogwarts yet?", asked Draco.


	3. Act 1 Part 3

**Act 1, Part 3**

 **Dumbledore: Yes, yes welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts. And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter.**

 **Ron: Woo!**

"Is no one going to say anything about Potter being declared his favorite student?", Draco sneered.

Everyone just shrugged, they didn't really care who was favored most.

 **Dumbledore: He defeated Voldemort when he was just a baby, and he's even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And also another special welcome to the newest addition of Gryffindor! Mr. Ginny- Excuse me, Ms. Ginny Weasley.**

Ginny sat back in her seat with a puff, "Honest mistake, really."

 **Ginny: Yeah, I'm a girl… But aren't we supposed to be sorted by the uh, Sorting Hat?**

 **Dumbledore: Yes, well a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of magical enchanted clothing. So he and the scarf of sexual preference won't be back 'til next year. So basically, I've been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can go wherever the hell they want, I really don't care.**

"Scarf of sexual preference?", said Hermione in between laughter.

Dumbledore nodded, "We did indeed have one of those in years gone by , but alas, we have since ended the tradition."

 **Cedric: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!**

 **Dumbledore: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?**

"Wouldn't he know? I mean, he is the Headmaster.", said Luna.

Snape exhaled loudly, "Ms. Lovegood, pray tell, how often is the Hufflepuff House found in the news or in any of the rumors circulating around this school?"

 **Dumbledore: Anyway, it is now time for me to introduce my very good friend, and our very own potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape!**

 **Ron: Ugh man, I hoped they fired that guy!**

Snape pursed his lips, "I'm quite affronted, Mr. Weasley, I was starting to believe that we were becoming closer."

Ron shrank back into his seat.

 **Ginny: Why? What's wrong with Professor Snape?**

 **Ron: Uh, nothing he's just uh, evil.**

Dumbledore laughed softly, "Oh, I can't disagree with that."

 ***Snape walks into room***

 **Harry: Oh come on, he's really not that bad.**

Snape crossed his slender arms over his chest, "Perhaps I misjudged you, Mr. Potter. Or perhaps not."

 **Snape: Harry Potter! Detention!**

 **Harry: What?**

 **Snape: For talking out of turn. Now before we begin, I'm going to give you your very first pop-quiz. Can anybody tell me what a port key is?**

Harry nodded, "Now this- this is what I expect most of Professor Snape's lines to be related to."

 ***Hermione's hand shoots in air***

 **Snape: Oh yes, Ms. Granger?**

 **Hermione: A portkey is a magically enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones that touch it to anywhere in the globe decided upon the enchanter.**

"What a charmer!", Said Draco with a sarcastic tone.

 **Snape: Oh very good, now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?**

 ***Once again Hermione is the only one raising her hand***

 **Snape: Oh yes, Ms. Granger?**

"Give it just a little more time before he becomes annoyed. No offence, Hermione.", said Seamus.

Hermione shook her head, "No- it's quite alright."

 **Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which the important plot point is mentioned early in the story, to return later in a more significant way.**

"Actually, I had no idea what foreshadowing is.", Muttered Ron.

"Well , that is definitely not your fault, Ron.", said a sympathetic Luna.

 **Snape: Perfect!**

 **Ron: What was a portkey again, I missed that one.**

 **Hermione: Oh, a portkey-**

 **Ron: Not you, oh my god.**

Harry scratch nervously behind his ear, "This is a very accurate portrayal of how Ron treated Hermione at the beginning of their friendship."

Ginny nodded, "Trust me, Harry, we all know."

 **Hermione: -Is an enchanted object that when touched will transport you anywhere in the globe.**

 **Snape: And remember, a port key can be any harmless object, like a football, or a dolphin.**

"That was very random.", murmured Neville.

 **Lavender: Professor? Can like a person be a port key?**

 **Snape: No, that's absurd! Because if a person were too touch themselves, *looks directly at Ron***

Ron was turning red from the tips of his ears, to the end of his toes.

"Imagine having to share a dormitory with the bloke!", roared Seamus.

 **Snape: They would constantly be transported into different places. A person however, can be a horcrux.**

 **Harry: What's a… What's a horcrux?**

 **Snape: I'm not even going to tell you, Harry. You'll find out soon enough.**

Harry looked up towards Dumbledore, who winked at him.

 **Hermione: Professor, what's the point of this quiz?**

 **Snape: Oh no no no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. Especially you! *points at Harry* Now moving right along, there are 4 houses. Gryffindor!**

The Gryffindor members in the room cheered.

 **Gryffindor: Woo!**

 **Snape: Ravenclaw!**

The members of Ravenclaw remained poised and simply smiled when their House was called.

 **Ravenclaw: Ow!**

 **Snape: Hufflepuff!**

 **Cedric: FIND!**

Only a few people seemed to understand what Cedric had said, and the people who didn't just remained silent.

 **Snape: What?**

 **Snape: And Slytherin!**

Draco sat back in his seat, with a smirk.

 **Slytherin: Yesss!**

 **Snape: Now traditionally- traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. Example; Ten points from Gryffindor!**

 **Gryffindor: What?!**

 **Snape: For Ms. Granger's excessive baby fat.**

Hermione looked down and examined herself, "I don't see it."

Harry shook his head, "Only because it isn't there."

 **Ron & Harry: Thanks, Hermione.**

 **Snape: Traditionally the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup! However, this year we are doing things a bit differently. And here to introduce it, is our new professor of the Dark Arts, Professor Quirrel.**

 **Harry: Ow! Ow! Ow!**

"But, didn't that start in 4th year, not 2nd year?" asked Ron.

"I think we have decided that this place is just a combination of all of our years at Hogwarts.", said Neville.

Everyone nodded their head in agreement.

 **Hermione: Harry? What's wrong?**

 **Harry: Ow! Ow! Jesus!**

Harry sighed, "Well, I would tell you if I didn't have a stabbing pain in my forehead."

 **Quirrel: The House Cup. A time honored tradition. For centuries-**

 **Draco: Go home terrorist!**

Hermione's eyes widened, "Well... that escalated rather quickly."

 **Quirrel: For centuries the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of House Champion. But where does this tradition come from, and what are the... roots of the competition?**

 **Hermione: The House Cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.**

 **Quirrel: That was a rhetorical question.**

Seamus laughed, "That's alright, Hermione, you'll get it next time."

 **Dumbledore: Granger quit interrupting, 20 points from Gryffindor!**

 **Ron: Thanks, Hermione.**

Hermione rolled her eyes.

 **Quirrel: As I was saying, when the competition first originated it was of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks and challenges. The winner would not only win the cup, but they would also win eternal glory.**

 **Hermione: Kind of like a House Cup- or no like a Tri-wizard tournament.**

 **Quirrel: Yes, sort of like a Tri-wizard tournament- except no not like that at all. There are four houses, how can it be the tri wizard tournament with four teams?**

Snape rested a long, pale finger on his cheek, "Yes, very logical."

 **Hermione: Well, er, Professor if I remember correctly, the House Cup tournament was disbanded after one semester, when one of the students was killed during the first task.**

 **Quirrel: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far out way the risk.**

Neville shrugged, "It would be kind of cool to be remembered after death."

 **Hermione: I don't think you heard me. I just said somebody died!**

 **Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lop-sided mouth and quit interrupting. 20 more points! For the smartest witch of your age, you can really be a dumb ass sometimes!**

Dumbledore looked taken aback, "That was rather harsh."

 ***Students laugh***

 **Dumbledore: Ten points to Dumbledore.**

 **Quirrel: Yes, yes well it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And as the Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts, I believe that a practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-**

 **Quirrel's Turban: ACHOO** **!**

"Who just sneezed?", said a disgruntled-looking Ron.

 **Dumbledore: Did your turban just sneeze?**

 **Quirrel: Wh-What? No.**

Harry's face was scrunched up in confusion, "How does a turban-" Finally, his mouth formed an 'O', when remembering first year.

 **Dumbledore: I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn't moving.**

 **Quirrel: No, sorry that was simply a fart. Excuse me. *begins to leave***

"Oh, whatever!", scoffed Ginny.

 **Quirrel's turban: ACHOO! *bumps into Harry***

 **Harry: Ow! Ow! Ahh Jesus!**

 **Quirrel: I must be going.**

 **Quirrel's Turban: ACHOO!**

 **Quirrel: I simply farted once more, excuse me.**

"Sure you did.", said Draco.

 **Dumbledore: In order of the newly resurrected house cup, a champion from each house will be selected to compete. So Snape, will you do the honors?**

 **Snape: Yes Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw House, a Miss Cho Chang!**

 **Cho Chang: Oh my god, I won! I can't believe it ya'll I won!**

Luna sighed, "Well it most certainly wouldn't have been me. I haven't been introduced yet."

 **Snape: A next from Hufflepuff, Mr. Cedric Diggory.**

 **Cedric: Well, I don't FIND this surprising at all.**

Harry chuckled, "There he goes again."

 **Cho Chang: I find it perfect 'because now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.**

 **Cedric: I am glad as well, my darling.**

Cho started crying as though she had held it in for two years. Everyone went over to her and comforted her once more.

 **Snape: A next from the Slytherin House, A Draco Malfoy!**

 **Draco: Oh! Ho! I finally beat you didn't I, Potter. What do you think of that, huh? *Rolls over Gryffindors* I'm the champion this time! *Rolls onto floor***

 **Dumbledore: Draco, sit down you little shit. Champion is just a title.**

Draco was gaping at the screen, "Did he just roll all over the dirty floor?"

"He sure did, Malfoy, he sure did.", said a smug Hermione.

 **Snape: And finally from the Gryffindor House. Oh my. Well isn't this curious. The one person in Hogwarts whom I have a very well-known grudge against, is suddenly in a tournament, where he may very well lose his life.**

 **Neville: If-If it's me, I'll just apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing.**

 **Snape: Sit down you inarticulate bumble! It's Harry Potter!**

Neville whimpered for a second at the verbal abuse forced upon his character.

Hermione patted him on the back, "It's okay, Neville."

 **Ron: Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!**

 **Harry: Alright!**

 **Dumbledore: Well, here they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions, and I want you all to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months, and it could be anything. So let's get to it! Ha-ha!**

 **Students: Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!**

 **Draco: Malfoy! Malfoy! Malfoy!**

Draco looked towards Crabbe and Goyle, "Why aren't you cheering for me?"

The two boys shrugged, unaware of why they were being punished for something they didn't do.


	4. Act 1 Part 4

**Act 1 Part 4**

 **Ron: Harry, You got this tournament in the bag.**

 **Harry: I don't know man. Cedric Diggory, he's pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! We're totally gonna win! It's in the bag!**

Ron's eyebrows shot up, "It's like Harry's alter ego."

 **Hermione: I don't know, Harry. I-**

 **Ron: Oh my god! Hermione shut up! Why do you have to rain on everybody's parade?**

"Bloody hell.", murmured Seamus.

Snape's lips curled into what could be described as half of a smile, "I heard that, Mr. Finnigan. Ten points from Gryffindor."

 **Hermione: Because, Ron! This is dangerous.**

 **Harry: Dangerous? Oh c'mon Hermione, how dangerous could it be? Especially for me.**

 **Hermione: Well, you're not invincible, Harry. Somebody died in this tournament.**

 **Harry: Uh, I'm the Boy who Lived, not died. What's the worst that could happen?**

Luna shook her head, "He's taking terms too literally. I'm afraid the arrogance has gone to his head."

"No kidding.", Ginny scoffed.

 **Hermione: And I don't know about that Quirrel guy character. You know, first he resurrects some horrible ancient tournament then- then he bumps into you and your scar starts to hurt. And you have to admit there was something really funky about the back of his head.**

 **Harry: C'mon think about it. Professor Quirrel is a professor, and who hires the professors?**

"Unqualified people.", muttered Draco.

 **Ron & Harry: Dumbledore!**

 **Harry: The smartest, most awesomest, practical wizard, beautiful wizard in the whole world. Why, why would he possibly hire someone that's trying to hurt me?**

Dumbledore chuckled, "I don't know, Ms. Lovegood, I certainly think he is on the right track."

 **Hermione: Well, what about Snape?**

 **Harry: Yea, what about him?**

Snape cleared his throat as to distract attention from the screen towards himself.

 **Hermione: He's hated you for years! And he's hated your parents too, Harry everybody knows that. And he just so happens to pick your name out of the house cup out of hundreds, if not five possible Gryffindors.**

 **Harry: Yea, what a coincidence. We lucked out.**

Ginny rolled her eyes and said, "Wow, Harry, you sure did!"

 **Hermione: I don't think it is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort you made a lot of enemies, ones you might not even know about.**

 **Harry: Okay, so let me get this straight. You're saying that this tournament is just one big ploy to try and kill me?**

Draco folded his hands in his lap, "Isn't everything?"

"Quiet, Malfoy!", Hermione snapped.

 **Hermione: I don't know! Maybe. Anyway, I just think it's dangerous and I don't think you should do it.**

 **Harry: Alright, Hermione. If it means that much to you I'll drop out.**

Dean let out a short laugh, "Ha! As if."

 **Hermione: Oh, thank you Harry!**

 **Ron: Wait... Wait! WHAT!** **The House Cup! What about all the eternal glory you're gonna win? C'mon!**

Seamus laid on his backside, "Wow, he sure doesn't already know what eternal glory is."

 **Harry: Hey, eternal glory? I already got that. Besides, Neville will be a great champion!**

 **Ron: No, no, no! I do not want Shlongbottom to be my champion!**

Neville sighed heavily, "Of course you don't."

 **Hermione: You know all you have to do- Oh look there's Dumbledore.**

 ***Dumbledore Enters***

 **Hermione: Talk to him now, and let him know you're dropping out.**

"Looks like he's cornered now.", said Parvati.

"No turning back.", added Cho.

 **Harry: Okay. Um, listen Hermione. Dumbledore and I are really, really cool. We're super tight. And I don't want him to think that I'm being lazy or anything like that, so can you just go? Why don't you tell him? Tell him that I want to work on school or something. Alright? Okay. You got this, Hermione. You're the best.**

 **Hermione: Yeah, alright. Okay.**

Ron laughed heartily, "Ha! School work! That's a good one!"

 **Hermione: Dumbledore!**

 **Dumbledore: Yes, Granger?**

 **Hermione: Uh, I need to talk to you for a moment. It's about the House Cup tournament. Well first of all I think it's an awful idea, but um second of all, I don't think that Harry Potter should compete.**

"That sure is going to get you far in this conversation." , muttered Lavender.

 **Dumbledore: Granger, why do you always gotta be such a big ol' stick in the mud? Huh! Pray, tell me why Harry Potter should not compete.**

 **Hermione: Uh, because he wants to study.**

 **Dumbledore: Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you.**

Ron gestured towards the screen, "My point exactly."

Cho crossed her arms tightly over her chest, "Luna and I beg to differ."

 **Hermione: Uh, okay well he wants to focus on the O.W.L.S!**

 **Dumbledore: Why couldn't Harry have told me this himself? He thinks I'm cool, we're tight.**

Harry sheepishly sank back into his seat to avoid questions.

 **Hermione: Oh! Professor, I am a really bad liar. I think it's a rouse! A set up, and I even think Snape might be trying to kill Harry Potter.**

 **Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest man I've ever met!**

Snape turned red from embarrassment, "Do you really think so, Headmaster?"

Dumbledore smiled gently, "Anything is possible."

 **Dumbledore: If Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter, he's just as much trying to kill me! Huh!**

 **Snape: Oh why Professor Dumbledore. I happened to be in the kitchen and I made you this delicious sandwich.**

"It's cardboard.", said Draco flatly.

 **Dumbledore: Why, thank you Severus! You see Granger, how thoughtful!**

 **Snape: Here you are, Professor.**

 **Dumbledore: Thanks!**

 **Snape: Bomb appetite. I mean, bone appetite.**

"Very punny.", said Dean.

 ***Snape presses buttons and runs away***

 **Hermione: Um! Is that sandwich ticking?!**

 **Dumbledore: It looks like it's licking- finger licking good.**

Hermione turned to Dumbledore, "Dumbledore, I really think you should give advertising a shot for a career choice."

 **Hermione: Uh, Professor I don't think you should eat that sandwich!**

 **Dumbledore: You ought to listen to Snape more often, you might even get a sandwich out of it.**

"And what an honor that would be.", added Ron.

 ***Hermione grabs sandwich and runs offstage with it***

 **Dumbledore: Granger, what the hell! What are you doing?!**

 **!BOOM!**

Parvati shook her head, "I would still be upset over the sandwich if I were Dumbledore."

 **Dumbledore: YOU DOG-GONE EXPLODED MY SANDWICH!**

 **Hermione: I'm sorry, sir!**

Parvati sat back in her seat, satisfied. "See? Dumbledore knows what is sometimes most important in life."

 **Dumbledore: Even if I did believe that Harry Potter was in danger, he has to compete! You see that cup?**

 **Hermione: Yes.**

 **Dumbledore: It's enchanted, whoever's name comes out of the cup has to compete or the results would be bad.**

Seamus placed a finger on his chin and had a thoughtful look on his face as he said, "How bad are we talking?"

Dumbledore adjusted his seat to lay back, "Very bad, Mr. Finnigan."

 **Hermione: What do you mean, bad?**

 **Dumbledore: Well, try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously. Every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.**

 **Hermione: Total protonic reversal!**

Draco's brow furrowed together, "Bloody hell! How does she know what that is?"

Harry raised a eyebrow, "They don't call her bookworm for nothing, Malfoy."

Snape rolled his eyes, "I don't think 'total tonic reversal' is even a real thing in existence."

Hermione's lips pursed, "Well, _professor_ , if you actually watched movies every once in a while you would know that total protonic reversal is in fact a thing."

 **Dumbledore: Yea, so you see he has to compete, and Hermione if it makes you feel better, the last guy that died in the tournament was a Hufflepuff. So, um I'll keep my eyes open and nothing's gonna get past ol' Dumbledore.**

 **Hermione: All right.**

Hermione plastered a fake smile on her face, "Yes, that sure does make me feel better."

 **Dumbledore: I gotta go make myself another sandwich, although I don't know how it's going to be as good as the last one. The last one ticked!**

 **Hermione: Cause it was a bomb... Harry I'm so sorry but I think you're gonna have to compete in the House Cup Tournament. But don't worry, I won't rest until I find out what the first task is gonna be.**

 **Ron: And I'll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.**

Ginny giggled, "Good ol' Ron. What would any of us do without him?"

Lavender smiled down at Ron, "I have no idea."

Ron shuddered and scooted closer to Hermione.

 **Harry: Awesome.**

 ***Draco is being carried in by Goyle***

 **Draco: Well, isn't this touching!**

 ***Goyle sets Draco down***

"That's quite an entrance, Malfoy.", said Harry in a fit of laughter.

 **Ron: Oh my god! Just butt out Malfoy!**

 ***Draco rolls around on floor***

 **Draco: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won't last five minutes in this tournament, I disagree. I say you won't last five minutes at Pigfarts!**

Draco was beginning to turn red now, "What the bloody hell is Pigfarts?"

Harry shook his head, "I don't know, you tell me."

 **Harry: Alright, Malfoy what is Pigfarts?**

 **Draco: Oh! Never heard of it? Huh, figures. Famous Potter doesn't know about Pigfarts.**

 **Harry: Malfoy, don't act like you don't want to talk about it. That's like the ninth time you've mentioned Pigfarts, what is Pigfarts?**

 **Draco: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizardry school in the galaxy. It's where I'm being transferred next year.**

Ginny scoffed, "Ya, right! Every witch and wizard knows that Hogwarts is the best."

Dumbledore nodded, "Indeed, Ms. Weasley."

 **Hermione: Malfoy, I've never heard of that.**

 **Draco: That's because Pigfarts... is on Mars.**

"I think he's gone mental.", muttered Hermione under her breath.

 **Harry: C'mon Malfoy, we're trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us alone.**

 **Draco: Oh, no! I'm not even here.**

Ron shot Draco a look of disbelief, "Sure, just wait until he starts rolling on the floor again."

Draco frowned, "Shut up, Weasley!"

 **Harry: So anyway, I think we can find out the first task through Dumbledore-**

 **Draco: Dumbledore! Pfft! What an old coot! He's nothing like Rumbleroar!**

 **Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!**

"Who's Rumbleroar?", asked Neville, timidly.

Hermione shrugged, "No idea whatsoever."

 **Harry: Anyway, as I was saying-**

 **Draco: Rumbleroar is the headmaster a Pigfarts! He's a lion, who can talk.**

"I've heard a snake talk.", said Harry.

Ginny cringed, "Let's not talk about being a Parselmouth right now."

 **Harry: Malfoy, if you don't mind we're trying to have a conversation here. It's not like- you're not even eating get out of here.**

 **Draco: Well, I can't help it if we can hear everything you say, we're the only ones in here.**

 **Harry: Well, c'mon Malfoy just get out of here, please?**

"Good manners will go a long way.", Dean criticized.

 **Draco: Where are we supposed to go?**

 **Harry: Uh, I don't know Pigfarts.**

 ***Hermione and Ron laugh***

Draco scowled, "You two are like his minions."

Hermione pointed at Crabbe and Goyle, "And what exactly are those, Malfoy?"

 **Draco: Hahaha, now you're just being cute! I can't go to Pigfarts, it's on Mars. You need a rocket ship. Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? Do you? You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents die. *Rolls around Harry and onto ground* Look at this! Rocket ship Potter, huh! Oh, star kid Potter! Moon shoes Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts, oooo!**

 **Harry: All right that's it! This is the most misguided way to try to make me jealous. I don't care if you make fun of me, but if you bring my parents into this it's whole other story.**

The students in the room began to chant, "Fight, fight, fight!"

 **Draco: Whoa! Not so fast! Crabbe! Goyle! *Draco hides under bench***

 **Goyle: Back off nerd!**

 **Draco: Ha! Not so tough are you Potter? Maybe you should hang out with someone better than than lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!**

Hermione turned red, but decided to ignore the last comment, "That was rather rude to call Ron that!"

Ron shut his eyes and exhaled loudly, "I think Malfoy is jealous. Malfoy must like Hermione."

Draco balled his hands into fists, "You take that back, you-"

Dumbledore cut him off, "Sit down, Mr. Malfoy."

 **Hermione: Oh! That is it, Malfoy! Jelly legs jinx!**

 **Draco: Oh c'mon!**

 **Goyle: Hey, no fair! My legs are jelly!**

"Is that an actual jinx?", asked Neville.

Snape tapped his fingers in a rhythm on his armchair, "Perhaps."

 **Hermione: Take it back, Malfoy!**

 **Draco: Take what back?!**

 **Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made up space school!**

 **Ron: Yea, and all the stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That's not even a little bit true!**

Draco let out a short laugh, "Ha! You don't want me to take that back! You know you don't."

"Just shut your fat mouth.", grumbled Ron.

 **Hermione: And say you're sorry for calling me a you-know-what.**

 **Draco: I'm sorry!**

 **Hermione: And you promise you'll never do it again?**

 **Draco: I promise!**

Harry raised an eyebrow, "What a liar."

 **Hermione: Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! C'mon Harry, Ron let's get out of here. Besides, you already ate all my lunch.**

 **Harry: Thanks, Hermione.**

 **Hermione: Yeah, Unjellify!**

 **Ron: Whoa! That was like the most bad ass thing I've ever seen, too bad no one was here to see it though. It was like an outburst- Ah! Hermione!**

Cho smiled at Hermione, "Don't worry. We know that you have it in you."

 **Goyle: Wow, that sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl, who is a nerd!**

 **Draco: I didn't mean what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. Am I, am I bleeding? Goyle.**

 **Goyle: No.**

"What a good friend.", laughed Hermione.

 **Draco: I though maybe- maybe it was a wee bit. Wow, I've never been pushed down like that by a girl. Maybe I shouldn't call her a mud- whatever.**

 **Goyle: I can't believe I couldn't figure out the counter curse was just unjellify.**

 **Draco: Right, I'm not surprised. C'mon let's go watch _Wizards of Waverly Place!_**

Hermione gave a nod of approval, "That was a very good show."

* * *

 **One minute, gotta blow the dust off this story. Okay, much better! So if you haven't noticed I'm sorry for the late upload I just have been super busy, and finally today was the last day of school! Now that's it's summer I'll probably be uploading more. Now for the poll; I put a poll up on my account where you can vote whether you think Ron should end up with Lavender or with Hermione. The poll will be up for two weeks, it ends on Wednesday the 17th. I plan on expanding the chapter that they finish on to what happens after the musical which means if they watch all three musicals there will be over 72 chapters, well now I have alot to take care of to keep up with both the stories.**


	5. Act 1 Part 5

**Act 1 Part 5**

 **Quirrel:** **Fools! They're all fools. They think they're safe. They think they're back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger that's lurking right under their noses! Or should I say on the back of their.. heads. *Takes head wrap off***

 **Voldemort: Ahhhhhhhhh!**

All of the students booed, "C'mon Quirrel." Seamus spoke over everyone and said, "That was uncalled for!"

Dean yelled at him to sit down but not without adding, "Seamus, that was uncalled for but you know what else was uncalled for? Your face." Seamus playfully punched him in the shoulder.

 **Voldemort: *Cough Cough* Oooh I can't breathe in that damn turban!**

 **Quirrel: I'm sorry my lord, it's a necessary precaution! For if they knew that you lived, that when Harry Potter destroyed you your soul lived on.**

Harry plopped backwards and laid his head in Ginny's lap, "It's like reliving first year. Make it stop, Ginny!"

Ginny giggled, "That was a terrible year, wasn't it? I wasn't old enough to go to Hogwarts yet, so you never had the pleasure of seeing me."

 **Voldemort: Yes that when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest, eating bugs, and mushrooms, and ugh unicorn blood.**

 **Quirrel: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.**

"Who would do that?", asked Neville with a disgusted look on his face.

 **Voldemort: Yes, nobody must know any of that. Now, Quirrel, get me some water!**

 ***Quirrel gets water***

 **Voldemort: Now Quirrel, pour it in my mouth!**

"What a diva.", commented Ron.

 **Quirrel: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly my liege.**

 **Voldemort: Yes, yes, yes! I'm done with the water. We must not have any more foul ups like tonight in the Great Hall.**

"Quirrel is being treated like a slave.", said an astonished Lavender.

Cho raised an eyebrow, "You act surprised. Remember, he's working for Voldemort."

Lavender nodded, "Oh, yeah. I forgot."

 **Quirrel: I'm sorry my lord, you sneezed.**

 **Voldemort: I know that! Get me some Nasonex you swine!**

"Get a better attitude.", muttered Ron.

 **Voldemort: Wash that turban!** **Tickles my nose.**

 **Quirrel: Yes my Dark King.**

 **Voldemort: Okay, just relax with the Dark King, okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily, you can call me Voldemort. We're there. We've reached that point.**

"Relationship goals.", said Ginny with a snort.

 **Quirrel: Yes, my- Voldemort.**

 **Voldemort: Now Quirrel, get us ready for bed. We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter. Mmm, tonight in the Great Hall he was so close. I could have touched him! Revenge is at my fingertips Quirrel! I can taste it! It tastes like.. cool mint.**

"How...", frowned Harry, "You know what? I don't even want to know."

 **Quirrel: That's our _Listerine_ , my lord.**

 **Voldemort: Yes, excellent. Well uh, goodnight Quirrel.**

 **Quirrel: Goodnight.**

 **Voldemort: Okay, okay! I can't do this! You gotta roll over, I can't sleep on my tummy!**

Draco began laughing, "The Dark Lord uses words like 'tummy'?! How pathetic!"

Dumbledore gave Draco a knowing look, "Mr. Malfoy, may I remind you of what I've heard you say?"

Draco turned red and shut his mouth.

 **Quirrel: I always sleep on my back, I have back troubles it's the only way I'm comfortable!**

 **Voldemort: You roll over right now or I'll- I'll eat your pillow! You'll be having a dream that you're eating a giant marshmallow but really you'll wake up and your favorite goose feather pillow will be missing!**

"How does he know it's goose feather?", asked Neville.

Hermione shrugged, "The Dark Lord is a evil killer during the day, but at night, he works at a mattress shop as a pillow expert."

"Makes sense.", said Ron.

 **Quirrel: Alright, we'll compromise! We'll sleep on our side!**

 **Voldemort: Okay, I guess I can do this.**

 **Quirrel: Well, night.**

 **Voldemort: Goodnight, Quirrel.**

 ***5 seconds of silence***

 **Voldemort: Hey Quirrel, how long have those robes been on that chair?**

"He's also a compulsive cleaner, isn't he?", asked Cho.

Luna shrugged, "Aren't killers always?"

 **Quirrel: I think they're from last night, I just put them there for now.**

 **Voldemort: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What's your plan for these?**

 **Quirrel: I figured I'd just put them there for now and deal with them in the morning, okay?**

"They aren't very compatible roommates, are they?", asked Lavender.

Seamus shook his head, "Not in any way possible."

 **Voldemort: Uh, NO! NO! No that's not okay! I can't go to sleep knowing there are dirty clothes on a chair! The chair is going to start smelling like dirty clothes!**

 **Quirrel: Look, I promise I'll put them away in the morning!**

 **Voldemort: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up and fold them at least! Make it into a neat pile.**

Hermione and Ginny exchanged glances and giggled.

Harry asked what was so funny to which Ginny replied with, "This is pretty much Hermione's and I's relationship at the Burrow."

 **Quirrel: If we're going to be in this situation for a while we're going to have to learn to live with each other! Now I've been single for all my life, and I have some habits. And sometimes I leave laundry around.**

 **Voldemort: Well I believe everything has its place, muggles have their place, mudbloods have their place, and so do your clothes!** **Namely, a dresser!**

"You tell 'em!", said Dean.

 **Quirrel: Well, aren't we an odd couple!**

 _ **Quirrel: You won't sleep on your tummy!**_

 _ **Voldemort: You won't sleep on your back!**_

Draco rolled his eyes to look up at the ceiling, "I thought we already established you would sleep on your side!"

 _ **Together: We're quite a kooky couple, you'll agree.**_

 _ **Quirrel: We share some hands and fingers.**_

 _ **Voldemort: And yet the feeling lingers.**_

"They wouldn't be having this problem if they didn't attach to each other in the first place.", groaned Parvati.

 _ **Together: We're just about as different as any one can be!**_

 _ **Voldemort: You like plotting a garden, I like plotting to kill.**_

"That's a nice fact about the two of you..", murmured Luna.

 _ **Quirrel: You think you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill! Sipping tea by the fire is swell.**_

 _ **Voldemort: Pushing people in is fun as well! I like folding all my ties.**_

 _ **Quirrel: And you have no friends, hey that's a surprise.**_

Harry frowned, "But isn't Quirrel his friend?"

Ginny shook her head from side to side as if to say so-so.

 _ **Together: I guess it's plain to see! When you look at you and me! We're different, different as can be.**_

 _ **Voldemort: You're a sissy, a twat, a girl! I'm the darkest of lords!**_

"You didn't hear that, children.", said Dumbledore.

The students shook their head no.

 _ **Quirrel: I'm the brightest professor here! I've won several awards!**_

Snape cleared his throat.

 _ **Voldemort: My new world's about to unfold!**_

 _ **Quirrel: You got beat by a two year old!**_

 _ **Voldemort: I'll kill him this time, through and through.**_

 _ **Quirrel: Or you might just give him another tattoo.**_

Harry shrugged, "Maybe a nice cloud this time?"

 _ **Together: I guess it's plain to see when you look at you and me, we're different different as can be.**_

 _ **Voldemort: I'll rise again, and I'll rule the world! But you must help me renew. For when our plan succeeds-**_

 _ **Quirrel: Prevails!**_

 _ **Voldemort: Part of that world goes to you.**_

"Awe." cooed Ginny.

 _ **Quirrel: When I rule the world I'll plant flowers!**_

 _ **Voldemort: When I rule the world I'll have snakes! And goblins, and werewolves, a fleet of dementors, and giants, and thestrals, and all my death eaters!**_

"They are complete opposites.", commented Harry.

Draco sighed, annoyed. "That's the point of the song, prat."

 _ **Together: When I rule the world! AHAHA!**_


	6. Act 1 Part 6

**Act 1 Part 6**

 **Hermione: Harry, don't you think you should try to figure out what the First Task is going to be? You could actually die if you're not ready.**

 **Harry: What? C'mon! I mean can't you just do it for me? Can't you just prepare all my stuff for me? What are you doing right now?**

 **Hermione: I'm writing your potions essay.**

Snape looked over at the two, "Has that ever happened, Mr. Potter?"

The two looked at each other nervously.

Harry spoke up, "No sir." However, they could tell that Snape could see right through them.

 **Harry: Oh, well do that first 'cause that's due tomorrow. But after that, after that can you prepare for the First Task please?**

 ***Hermione nods head***

 **Harry: Thank you you're the best! You got it, thanks Hermione. Hey Ginny, come here I wanna show you something. Come here.**

 **Ginny: Hey, Harry Potter.**

Harry laughed, "You know, Harry would suffice. I don't need to be addressed by my full name."

Ginny blushed and elbowed him in the ribs.

 **Harry: Listen, I wanna play this song I've been working on. I made this song for a girl that I really, really like and I want to let her know that she's really special. So I just wanna know what you think. Just for the purposes of now I'm going, 'cause I'm working out the lyrics, I'll put your name where her name should be but I don't think it's really gonna work out. 'Cause well let me just show you. *Starts Singing* _You're tall and fun and pretty, you're really really_ skinny, _Ginny! I'm the Mickey to your Minnie, you're the Tigger to my Winnie, Ginny! I wanna take you to the city gonna take you out to dinny, Ginny! You're cuter than a guinea pig, I wanna take you up to Winnipeg, that's in Canada! Ginny, Ginny, Ginny-_ You know what this doesn't work with me- at all.**

 **But I don't know, how does that make you feel emotionally?**

Ginny harrumphed, "I thought that song sounded just fine."

Hermione nodded, "Oh, totally. If that song were meant for me, I know I sure would be reeled in."

Draco gaped, "You would?"

Ron raised an eyebrow, "Don't be getting any ideas, slimy git."

 **Ginny: Wow! Wowee! Harry Potter!**

 **Harry: Don't you think it could, I don't know, make a girl fall in love with me?**

Cho gestured with the 'a-okay' sign.

 **Ginny: Oh, I think it already has.**

 **Harry: Awesome! 'Cause it's for Cho Chang!**

 **Ginny: Oh yea, she is beautiful.**

Ginny shrugged, "I guess you can't really argue that."

Cho smiled, "Thank you! You know, Ginny, you're not too hard on the eyes either.", she winked.

Ron sighed, exasperated. "We get it, you're both pretty."

 **Harry: What, are you nuts? Beautiful? More like super mega foxy awesome hot! She's the prettiest girl I've ever met! She's far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than any girl that I know in my immediate group of friends. Far more better, and awesome.**

Draco gave a look of disbelief, "That's hard to believe."

"Thanks, I guess?", said a confused Hermione.

 **Ron: Sup, Neville. *Jumps over bench* Move, move, move, move, move, move, move. Awesome. Hey, Harry! What's up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid and I saw these delivery wizards bringing giant cages into the dungeon. I don't know what that's for.**

 **Hermione: Giant cages? I bet whatever's in those cages has something to do with the First Task! Harry, we have to find out what it is!**

Seamus snickered, "The mystery gang is on the case!"

 **Harry: Hey, hey guys chill. I'm busy. *Strums guitar***

 ***Hermione takes away guitar***

 **Ron & Ginny: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!**

Dean's eyebrows raised, "He can't possible be that good."

The room spoke, frightening some of the students. "Oh, I beg to differ." The voice opened another video entitles, "Darren Criss- Teenage Dream".

Cho wolf whistled, "Look at him!"

They all sat in silence, and once the video was over, it was apparent that everyone was in awe at the performance.

 **Hermione: Listen guys! Listen! This could be a matter of life and death!**

 **Ron: Well it doesn't matter because it's after hours, okay? We can't leave Gryffindor House and we'll probably get in trouble if we do, Schlongbottom over there will probably tell on us.**

 **Hermione: Neville won't tell.**

 **Neville: Oh yes I certainly will.**

"Snitch.", murmured Seamus.

 **Ron: Well what are we going to do?**

 **Hermione: It's simple, guys. The cloak.**

 **Ron: Of course!**

 **Ron & Harry: The cloak.**

"Can't believe I didn't think of that.", muttered Draco, "Because, I mean, doesn't everyone have an invisibility cloak?"

Snape made a motion of his hand shutting, "This is what you should be doing, Mr. Malfoy."

 **Ginny: Wait, what cloak?**

 **Ron: Shut up! (Claps)**

"Is that what happens when gingers go into attack mode?", mocked Draco.

 **Harry: I got it my first year of Hogwarts. I got it as a present. Well, it was left to me by my dad. My dad is dead, my father is dead. I have a dead father. We use it to solve mysteries and stuff. With my invisibility cloak.**

 **Ron: YAAA!**

 **Ginny: Oh whoa! Oh boy! Wowee Harry Potter! Haha! A real invisibility cloak! Oh oh oh, do you know what I would do if I had an invisibility cloak?**

Ron rubbed at his eyes, "Oh, blimey. Please don't say what I think you're going to say."

 **Harry: Oh man I would- I would kick wiener dogs.**

 **Ron: I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare people.**

Dumbledore chuckled, "Very productive."

 **Hermione: I'd use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in a mirror.**

"That's deep.", muttered Neville.

 **Harry: That's a bummer.**

 **Ron: Jesus, what's wrong with you?**

Hermione shrugged, "A number of things."

 **Ginny: Uh, actually I was gonna say that I would use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at the funeral.**

 **Harry: Yeah! Let's get out of here.**

 **Ron: Whoa,whoa,whoa where do you think you're going?**

"Protective or scared of being replaced? You decide.", said Draco.

 **Ginny: Um, with you guys.**

 **Ron: No, no, no way no kid sisters allowed, okay? *Claps***

 **Ginny: OW!**

 **Ron: Besides there's only enough room under this cloak for two people, so- c'mon Hermione, c'mon.**

Hermione smiled, "I think she should jut kick Ron out of the cloak. Then there will be more space."

 ***Song Time***

 **Ginny: _The way his hair falls in his eyes, makes me wonder if he'll ever see through my disguise, and I'm under his spell! Everything is falling and I don't know where to land. Everyone knows who he is, but they don't know who I am. HARRY! HARRY! Why can't you see? Whatcha' doin' to me. I've seen you conquer certain death, even when you're just standing there you take away my breath. Hehe. And maybe, someday you'll hear my song and understand that all along there's something more that I'm trying to say, when I say! HARRY! HARRY! Why can't you see? Whatcha' doin' to me. Whatcha' doin' to me._**

Ginny tilted her head to the side, "That was a really pretty song. She has an amazing voice."

* * *

 **I'm going to start working on finishing the last chapters of Determining the Outcome and then my main focus will be on this. I was asked earlier today if I take requests, and yes I do. I am going to be gone from Sunday through Saturday next week for camp. So uh, hold down the fort while I'm gone. Until next time.**


	7. Act 1 Part 7

**Act 1 Part 7**

 **Quirrel: Master, master! the shipment for the First Task of the tournament has just arrived!**

 **Voldemort: Yes I know Quirrel, I hear everything that you hear.**

 **Quirrel: Isn't it wonderful master? We made sure that Harry Potter's name was drawn from the cup, and soon he will be ours!**

Harry stretched out his arms and said, "Yeah well how did that go for you, Voldy?"

He received several high fived from the Gryffindors but a few shushes from other patrons in the room.

 **Voldemort: Yes! It's really happening isn't it, Quirrel? You know with the plan going so well, I feel like maybe we should celebrate. What do ya say, Quirrel? How's about we go out? I hear it's karaoke night down at the Hog's Head.**

Hermione bust out laughing in a fit of giggles, "Just the- image of-of that in my h-head!", she howled through her giggles.

 **Quirrel: I don't know, I have all these papers to grade and I've been giving so much attention to this revenge plan that I'm really behind.**

 **Voldemort: Oh c'mon, Quirrel! You've been working so hard all year! You deserve a night off.**

"And that, students, is peer pressure. Don't fall for it. Just say nay." Dumbledore wagged his fingers at the students.

Seamus stood up, "And remember if it's peer pressure when it come to a girl, go for it! That's how I got with Lavender." Lavender went red and the room erupted in laughter.

 **Quirrel: But the papers.**

 **Voldemort: Oh just give em all B-'s and be done with it!**

 **Quirrel: Now that's evil.**

Snape rolled his eyes, "Sinister."

 **Voldemort: Well, yeah thanks, I am the Dark Lord. C'mon, just a few drinks! Hey, we'll try to pick up some chicks!**

 **Quirrel: I wouldn't know what to say, I'm no good at that!**

 **Voldemort: C'mon it'll be fun! You just move your lips and I'll do the talking.**

"That must be how boys operate- let the "wing man" do all the talking.", Luna said in a voice that seemed distracted.

 **Quirrel: Uhhh..**

 **Voldemort: Quirrel! Man! Listen, I may just be a parasite on the back of your head who's literally devouring your soul every time you take a breath but I can see** **that you're too good of a guy to not have any fun once in a while. You deserve this.**

"Best friends forever.", said Cho, intertwining two of her fingers.

 **Quirrel: Well if you put it that way, then yeah. Let's just go wild tonight!**

 **Voldemort: *Sticks tongue out and waves around* That's the spirit Quirrel! Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab your tunic! Quirrel, we're gonna get you laid!**

"Laid? What the bloody hell does that mean?", asked Ron.

Hermione sighed heavily, "It's the American term for shagging."

 **Voldemort: Seriously man, back when I had a body oh! I had mad game with the b*tches. Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange.**

Hermione shot up, "I knew it!"

 ***Golden Trio enters with invisibility cloak over head***

 **Ron: This cloak isn't as big as it used to be!**

 **Hermione: Sh! Someone's coming!**

Seamus smiled wickedly and was about to speak, but Dean shut him up.

He clapped his hand over his mouth, "No, Seamus. I know what you were going to say. Try not making a fool out of yourself for once. Please."

 ***Draco Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle enter***

 **Draco: Did you just hear something?**

 **Goyle: No, only quiet.** **Maybe one raindrop.**

Dean sat up, "Goyle, do you really talk like that?" Goyle was about to respond but Draco answered for him, "Yes he does, he has very bad grammar. You should have seen him when he was growing up. The first time he swore was on accident he meant to say sit, but instead he said sh*t."

Harry grinned, "Professor, I think you know what that means."

Snape rolled his eyes once again, "10 points from Slytherin for swearing."

 **Draco: No matter. Tell me Goyle, who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?**

 **Goyle: Oh, uh Buck Beak for sure!**

Harry frowned, "Buck Beak was a girl?"

 **Draco: Crabbe?**

 **Crabbe: Uh, Winky the House Elf.**

 **Draco: Good one. Obscure. You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger.**

Hermione shrugged, "Eh, no loss to me."

A flash of pain crossed Draco's face, but it was gone just as soon as it had appeared.

 **You know what I'd give her on a scale of 1-10 with 1- 1 would be the ugliest and 10 is pretty, I would give her an 8. An 8.5, or a 9. Not over a 9.8, there is always room for improvement. Not everyone's perfect like me, that's why I am holding out for a 10. Because I'm worth it. C'mon let's go.**

Ginny let out a short laugh, "Ha! The only thing you're worth, Malfoy, is a gallon of poo."

"That can be useful at times.", Draco sneered.

 **Ron: What a bunch of jerks.**

 **Hermione: Forget them! Now where did you say you saw those cages were being delivered?**

 **Ron: I think they were being delivered to the auditorium so they should be at the end of this hallway and to the left.**

"Where else could it go?", pondered Parvati aloud.

 **Ron: Look!**

 **Hermione: A goat?**

 **Harry: A goat? Oh my god. I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I could do that morally!**

Luna smiled airily, "You're mother taught you right- oh.. I'm so sorry, Harry. I forgot." She finished with panic in her eyes.

Harry blanked for a minute, but soon snapped out of his reverie. "No- no, that's quite alright."

 ***Snape and Dumbledore Enter:**

 **Snape: And the goats have all been sent to feeding time, Headmaster.**

 **Dumbledore: Feeding time? Dragons don't wanna be fed, they wanna hunt!**

Neville gasped, "They're going to feed the goats to the dragon!"

"Circle of life, my friend.", Hermione comforted by patting him on the back.

 **Harry: Did he just say dragons?**

 **Snape: Did you just say 'Did he just say dragons?'?**

 **Dumbledore: I must have because anybody else in this room would've known to shut up, Potter.**

 **Snape: Headmaster, do you really think it's wise to have children fight dragons?**

Harry spoke up, "And this is how we know that it's not Snape in the musical, because I'm pretty sure for the Tri-Wizard Tournament he was cheering for the dragons."

Snape nodded his head, "Very much indeed. Keen observation, Mr. Potter."

 **Dumbledore: No Snape, I don't think it's wise to do anything anymore! Here I am alive and well today and I could very well be killed by you tomorrow.**

 **Snape: Why, that's absurd.**

Ron scoffed, "Says the one who attempted blowing him up earlier."

 **Dumbledore: Severus, let's go to bed. Have you ever seen my room? I've got some pretty kickin' posters on my wall.**

 **Snape: Well I am rather tired.**

Hermione looked up at Dumbledore curiously, "Professor, I thought you had a thing for Gellert Grindelwald."

Dumbledore shook his head, "No Ms. Granger, that was well in the past."

Everyone turned their attention back to the screen, but Hermione's tarried. Once Dumbledore noticed, he winked at her.

 **Harry: Man, I have to fight a dragon? This is bogus! I can't fight a dragon I'm just a little kid!**

 **Ron: Maybe it won't be that bad, Harry. Maybe, maybe you'll just have to fight like Mushu from Mulan or I don't know Puff the Magic Dragon.**

"You can only hope.", said Hermione.

 **Hermione: Ron, this is serious okay? Harry could die! There's still time, alright? We just gotta have a plan.**

 **Harry: Okay well, we should do that back in the common room, where's the invisibility cloak?**

 **Ron: Well, I threw it over there on that magical walking chair over there- oh.**

"Oops.", said Ginny.

 **Harry: Well that's going to be an issue.**

Everyone yelled at the screen, "Next one!"

* * *

 **OMG! I got two new followers, I think it's because I changed the name to make it sound more appealing I have no idea but thank you so much to AliceCullen3 and Shreyan Chanda. Thank you to everyone else who is following this story. Next update will hopefully be tomorrow.**


	8. Act 1 Part 8

**Act 1 Part 8**

 ***Quirrel and Voldemort enter, obviously drunk***

 **Voldemort: Hehehe**

 **Quirrel: I thought walking home drunk was hard before.**

Ron raised an eyebrow, "He doesn't seem like one that gets plastered very often."

 **Voldemort: Hehe we should've realized that with both of us drinking into one belly, we'd get twice as drunk. Hehe, Hey Quirrel! Quirrel, Quirrel, Quirrel, Quirrel, Quirreell, Quirrel, Quirrel, you know that girl you were talking to?**

 **Quirrel: Yea.**

 **Voldemort: You remember that girl you were talking to? Well I was talking to her sister on my side.**

Draco's eyes widened, "And they didn't freak out about the fact that he was a parasite?"

Hermione held a hand up, "Only a matter of time. Listen to his story."

 **Quirrel: Oh! So that's why she freaked out when we stood up!**

 **Voldemort: She didn't know we were the-**

 **Unison: Same person.**

Neville nodded in understanding, "There's your answer for ya."

 **Voldemort: Ahaha!**

 **Quirrel: You know I haven't had this much fun Nearly Headless Dick- Nick's Death Day Party of '91.**

Seamus crossed his arms over his chest and pouted, "I wasn't invited to that."

Dean gaped at Seamus, "Why would they want a bloody first year at their party?"

Seamus shrugged, "You never know. I am a fun guy."

 **Voldemort: Hehe, I haven't had this much fun since uh, I can't remember ever having this much fun!**

 **Quirrel: You've never had fun, ever? Doing anything? Maybe that's why you're so evil.**

 **Voldemort: Yeah, maybe. Definitely to do with the fact that muggles and mudbloods make me sick to my stomach. But, uh yeah I guess you could be right, I guess. I mean, hehe, it's kind of funny.**

"No, he's evil because he was a c-section baby.", commented an annoyed Draco.

Ginny cocked her head, "Was he?"

 **Quirrel: What is it, Voldemort?**

 **Voldemort: It's just that I never- I never really ever considered another reason for me being so evil. Y'know cause normally I just kill people that try to get me to open up, you know? Oops. But it's kinda nice to just talk.**

Ginny whispered to Ron, "That's exactly what Hermione is like when you try to get her to tell you what's wrong. She'll literally kill you."

Ron agreed, "I know, because when it comes to you it's _totally_ easy to get you to open up."

Ginny slapped him playfully in the arm.

 **Quirrel: You know I have to admit I was kind of nervous when you first demanded that you attach yourself to my soul.**

 **Voldemort: Yea, I could sense that.**

 **Quirrel: Like now, I think it's kinda cool. It's like having a really close roommate or even-**

 **Voldemort:** **Yea** , **like a slave.**

"They practically share the same brain.", said Parvati.

 **Like a- like a Death Eater.**

 **Quirrel: No man, it's like having a friend.**

 **Voldemort: I've never had a friend before.**

 **Quirrel: Well it looks like you've got one now.**

A few awe's went up around the room.

 **Voldemort: Ahehe Who would've thought that at the beginning of this year we'd feel like that toward each other. I guess everything's different between us now.**

 **Quirrel: I guess it's plain to see, when you look at you and me, we're different, different as can be.**

 **Unison: We simply guarantee when you look at you and me, we're different different as can be. It's of calmly sorts when you're bound to Voldemort.**

 **Voldemort: And I'm happy as a squirrel, long as I'm with Mr. Quirrel.**

"I ship it.", whispered Ginny.

 **Unison: We'll lead him to the slaughter and we'll murder Harry Potter, we're different, different, different, different as can be!**

 **Voldemort: Haha!**

"Wow," Harry gasped, "That was violent."

* * *

 **A/N: Well, see you tomorrow! BTW Sorry, but this part was only 4:12 long. Hopefully tomorrow's will be longer.**


	9. Act 1 Part 9

**Act 1 Part 9**

 **Snape: The Hogwarts Champions shall now enter the Champion's tent in preparation for the first task.**

 ***Snape exits***

Ron laughed, "Wow Snape, that was some exit."

Snape scowled, "You'll keep your mouth shut if you know what's good for you. Mr. Weasley."

 **Harry: Man, I can't believe I got to skip lunch period for this stupid task!**

 **Hermione: Okay, Harry! Today's the day! The day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those notes I wrote for you on dragons?**

 **Harry: No.**

Hermione smiled sympathetically, "Thank you for your honesty."

 **Hermione: Why not?**

 **Harry: Are you kidding me? Those were so boring.**

Hermione giggled, "Typical Harry! This musical could actually be spot on in some situations."

Ron looked over at Draco, daring him to agree. When he didn't Ron spoke for him, "Yeah I guess they can be 'Mione, especially about the fact that Draco likes you." Hermione looked puzzled, "What?" Draco stood up, "You shut your fat ginger mouth, Weasley!"

Ron smirked, "Malfoy, c'mon everyone knows it's true." Draco was fuming now, "So what if I do? It's kind of obvious that she'd rather be with me than of the likes of you! Right Granger?"

Hermione didn't say anything, she just stared blankly at the screen.

 **Hermione: So you didn't read them? You didn't prepare at all? You're not prepared at all?!**

 **Harry: No, at least I have my wand. *Searches pockets* Um.. *Hermione holds up wand***

 **Hermione: Here?**

 **Harry: Heyyy! You're the best.**

Cho laughed, "What would he do without her?"

 **Hermione: Harry, please don't die today. I don't want to see my best friend get eaten by a dragon.**

 **Harry: Hey, relax. Okay? Save the tears for my funeral.**

Neville guffawed, "In that case, you probably won't need tears at all."

 ***Cedric and Draco enter***

 **Cedric: So tell me more about this Pigfarts. I FIND it to be very interesting.**

Draco stood up and walked over to the wall. He began to bang his head against it. Some people discouraged it, whilst Harry and Ron were egging him on and screaming, "Go, go, go!" Cho Chang stood up, "Draco! Sop that!"

Draco slowly turned his head, "Shut up, Cho, I don't take advice from people whose birth certificate was an apology from a condom factory." Everyone gasped.

Seamus stood up, "Flyting War!" Ron grabbed Hermione and and dragged them to a corner.

Harry pointed at Draco, "Your family tree isn't pure blood, it's cactus! Because everyone on it is a prick!"

 **(A/N: I know it's unprofessional to have a author's note here, but in the original chapter I had some pretty bomb insults. However, I took them out because- well I don't know, I just did. Sorry.)**

 **Draco: Well, while you're there you have to wear your spacesuit at all times because there's no atmosphere on Mars. So if a single docking vator opens you'll probably die.**

"Let's cross our fingers!", said Harry.

 **Cedric: My, how dreadful.**

 **Draco: Well, the good new is if you're a good student Rumbleroar let's you ride around on his back!**

 **Cedric: And he's the Headmaster lion?**

 **Draco: Who can talk.**

Dumbledore nodded his head slowly, "Impressive."

 **Cedric: Oh. Well hello, Harry, how are you feeling today?**

 **Harry: Hey Cedric, trying to stay positive.**

Ginny snapped her fingers, "Way to stay civilized!"

 **Cedric: Well good, I'm having a fine experience. Ms. Granger.**

 **Hermione: Hello.**

 ***Cho skips in***

 **Cho: Sugar pie!**

Lavender cringed, "The pet names are just too much."

 **Cedric: My darling! Was that a kiss for good luck?**

 **Cho: No, that was for being so cotton pickin' cute. This one's for good luck.**

"I love how she stays true to her southern heritage by using their phrases.", crooned Luna.

 **Harry: Hate that guy.**

 **Hermione: You're gonna be great!**

 **Dumbledore: Ahhh, God! Granger, I thought you were a Bogart, I'm terrified of those! And what the hell are you doing in the champion's tent? Get outta here, 10 more points.**

 **Harry: Thanks Hermione.**

Hermione forced a thoughtful look on her face, "If you are going to be so rude, perhaps I should just sit with Malfoy?"

Draco jumped up, "Yeah! We, uh, we have pillows."

 **Dumbledore: Are you kids ready to fight a dragggooonnn? Of course not! You're just children, what the hell am I thinking? Outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans that are either going to be cheering for you or the dragon but either way are going to make some kind of noise. So, in order for the selection process to be fair I'm going to randomly select a cardboard cutout of the dragon you will be fighting. For you Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon. Figment, the Imaginary Dragon. The Reluctant Dragon. And for you Potter, the Hungarian Horntail the most terrifying thing ever see alive!**

Harry nodded, "Makes sense."

 **Harry: Wait a second, this is terrifying! Those are the cutest things I've ever seen.**

 **Dumbledore: This thing is horrifying! Just use your imagination. Disapperate!**

 ***Ron enters with Oreo's***

 **Ron: My God, this competition is gonna suck all these dragons are wimps. Accio Doublestuff.**

Everyone in the room started cracking up.

 **Ron: Look at that. OH MY GOD, MONSTER! IS THAT YOURS?**

 **Harry: Yeah.**

 **Ron: Oh my God, that is awesome. Can I hold it? Oh my God, this thing is terrifying, hope the real thing is smaller. Rawr. Ferocious, what are you going to do?**

Luna winked at Ron, "Such an active imagination."

Ron blushed.

 **Harry: I don't know, I'm not cut out for this.**

 ***Hermione enters***

 **Hermione: Ron! You can't be in here, this is the champions tent!**

Ron open and closed his hand to go along with whatever the actress portraying Hermione was saying.

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Prat."

 ***Snape enters***

 **Snape: Ms. Granger, what the devil are you doing in the champions tent? 10 points from Gryffindor!**

 **Ron and Harry: Thanks Hermione.**

 **Ron: Good luck buddy. Bye Snape!**

 **Snape: Bye! Cedric Diggory, now is your chance to face your dragon.**

"10 points for reality of the situation.", mused Snape.

 **Cedric: Alright fellas, wish me luck!**

 **Cho: Sugar pie, I believe in you!**

 **Cedric: That's all I needed to hear.**

Neville shuddered, "So. Cheesy."

"What can ya do?" said Harry.

 **Harry: Malfoy, tell you what. I'll let you switch dragons with me, I'll give you the chance to switch dragons with me, I'll give you that opportunity. Don't worry about it.**

 **Draco: Uh, let me think about- no.**

"OOOOOHH!", Seamus shouted.

 **Harry: I'll give you my Gushers.**

 **Draco: Oh, no, no I have a fruit by the foot I don't want your Gushers.**

Harry stroked a fake beard, "He's right. That is, indeed, an unfair trade."

 **Snape: Cho Chang, your dragon awaits.**

 **Cho: Well, I can't imagine this'll be very hard.**

 **Snape: I can imagine it won't be.**

 **Unison: Ahaha!**

"Is that the beginning of a friendship I'm witnessing?", said Ginny.

Cho sucked her cheeks in, "Hardly."

 **Harry: Malfoy, c'mon I'll throw in my teddy grahams with the Gushers. You can make little Gusher teddy graham sandwiches.**

 **Draco: Alright, you throw in that little sack of Bugles and you got yourself a deal.**

Dean shook his head fervently, "No, man, it isn't worth it!"

 **Harry: Absolutely not.**

 **Snape: Draco Malfoy.**

"Oi, Granger.", Draco shouted from across the room.

Hermione turned and looked at him with an exasperated look on her face. "What, Malfoy?"

Draco began fiddling with his robes when he sat down finally and just muttered, "Never mind."

 **Harry: Professor, is there any way I could, I don't know, forfeit, or switch dragons or take a day off?**

 ***Snape pours ketchup on Harry***

 **Harry: What are you doing?**

"The wild Snape pours ketchup over the nearly-extinct Harry, marking him as his own.", Hermione narrated.

Snape frowned, "10 points from Gryffindor for Ms. Granger's behavior."

Hermione shrugged, "It was worth it."

 **Snape: I'm protecting you, Potter. Most Walsh Greenbacks can't stand the taste of Hunt's Tomato Ketchup.**

 **Harry: But I'm not fighting a Walsh Greenback, I'm fighting a Hungarian Horntail.**

 **Snape: Oho, well silly me. Hunt's Tomato Ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails love most of all. C'mon Potter.**

 **Dumbledore: And now Harry Potter will fight a Hungarian Horntail, most terrifying thing you'll see your whole life. And to be noted that this particular dragon has not been fed in two weeks.**

Hermione raised an eyebrow, "Two weeks? It would have died. Now it's just being unrealistic."

 ***Crowd cheers***

 **Harry: Accio guitar!**

 ***Song Time***

 _ **Hey dragon, you don't gotta do this. Let's reevaluate our options, throw away our old presumptions, cause really, you don't gotta go through this. I'm really not that special, the Boy Who Lived is only flesh and bone. The truth is in the end, I'm pretty useless without friends. In fact I'm alone. Just like now, anyhow. I spend my time at school, trying to be this cool guy. I never even asked for. I don't know any spells, still manage to do well, but there's only so long that can last for. I'm living off the glory of some stupid children's story, that I had nothing to do with. I just sat there and got lucky, so level with me buddy. I can't defeat thee, so please don't eat me. All I can do is sing this song for you, lalalalala.**_

 **Dragon: Rarararara.**

 **Harry: Lalalalala.**

 **Dragon: Rarararara.**

 **Harry: Lalalalala.**

 **Dragon: Rarararara.**

Draco covered his ears, "Make it stop!"

Ron grabbed a Red Vine out of the packet and chucked it at Draco, "Shut up, ya bloody tosser!"

Ginny patted Ron's hand, "Don't do that again, Ron. That was a waste of perfectly good food."

 **Harry: Lalalalala. That's right dragon, you never asked to be a dragon, I never asked to be a champion. We both just jumped on the band wagon, but all we need is guitar jamming. So lalalalala.**

 **Dragon: Rarararara.**

 **Harry: Lalalalala. Goodnight Dragon. 1, 2, 3, I BEAT THE DRAGON!**

 **Crowd: WOOH!**

"Wow, Harry." said Seamus, "That was really deep."

* * *

 **Hey so got back from camp, yay! I will try to upload the next chapter but then I won't be back til July 5th from vacation so I will leave you on edge for what happens because of the Yule Ball. I haven't even started the final chapter of Determining the Outcome I'm thinking of either having it be the wedding or having one more chapter with some drama and then next chapter wedding then epilogue... yeah that sounds good. Well hopefully see you tomorrow!**


	10. Act 1 Part 10

**Act 1 Part 10**

 **Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students, tonight is our annual Yule Ball. So please remember to pick up your Yule Ball wreath, and give it to that special someone. *Ginny enters* Ah Ginger!**

Ginny's head jerked back, "Well... that's one way to avoid a conversation."

 **Ginny: Oh hey, Harry Potter.**

 **Harry: Hi Ginny.**

 **Ginny: Fancy seeing you here, huh?**

"Totally, because it's not like the both of you go to the same boarding school or anything.", said Ron in a sarcastic tone.

 **Harry: Uh well it's a cafeteria, so yeah.**

 **Ginny: Uh, so the Yule Ball is coming up, huh?**

 **Harry: Yeah I know it is.**

 **Ginny: Um, well were you thinking of going with anybody?**

Seamus nodded, "He plans on asking Cho Chang, ya'll!"

Cho rolled her eyes and punched him in the arm, "Shut up, Seamus."

 **Harry: I was, I was actually just thinking of the right time to ask somebody. I think that times about now so if you've got something to say just get it out.**

 **Ginny: Okay. *Holds out wreath* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

 **Harry: Oh is this for me? Ah, how did you know that I needed a wreath so I could ask Cho Chang? You're the best!**

"Wow." Ginny sat up and looked over at Harry, "How could anyone be so stupid? She is literally giving him a wreath which is their way of asking someone to the ball and he thinks it's just some random present. Geez, Harry."

Harry put a hand on his chest and looked offended, "I'm sorry, but who is it that feels the need to scream when she is offering a wreath to someone? You."

 **Ginny: Oh Harry Potter, just forget it!**

 **Harry: Alright I will! Cool, hey Cho Chang listen, I know the Yule Ball is coming up and I was wondering if uh, maybe you wanted to go with me. But just in case you're kind of on the fence about it you should know that I play guitar, and I conquered that dragon's heart with it just like I'm gonna conquer yours. _You're tall, and fun, and pretty, you're really, really skinny, Cho Chang. You're the Minnie to my Mickey, I'm the Tigger to your Winnie, Cho Chang._** ** _You're cuter than a guinea pig, I wanna take you up to Winnipeg, that's in Canada!_ Oh, Cho Chang. Whatever, heh.**

Draco raised an eyebrow, "Yes, that song is pretty bad. He will most definitely be turned down."

Hermione scowled, "I'd like to see you sing, Malfoy."

Draco began spluttering, "Well- I, uh- I.."

Crabbe laughed, "You should hear him in the loo! He sounds like a bloody toad!"

 **Cho: Well, Harry Potter, bless your heart. Um but, I'm gonna have to say no. Although you're a strapping boy, Cedric Diggory already asked me and I have to go with him. Sorry. C'mon girls, let's go show Moaning Myrtle our ball gowns and make fun of her cause she can't go.**

 **Girls: Yeah!**

Cho tilted her head curiously, "Huh, I've never done that before. She's just too, too-"

"Annoying?", Lavender suggested.

Cho agreed, "Yeah, that's it."

 ***Ron enters***

 **Ron: Hey there, good buddy, how ya doing?**

Hermione cringed, "He looks like he's about to cry."

"He most certainly will, Ms. Granger.", replied Snape.

 **Harry: Okay.**

 **Ron: Is that a Yule Ball wreath?**

 **Harry: Yeah.**

 **Ron: Who you gonna ask?**

"He seems like that one friend that intrudes on your privacy.", said Parvati.

Ron pointed a finger at her, "Only sometimes."

 **Harry: Well I already asked Cho Chang, but she turned me down for Cedric- Stuppory.**

 **Ron: Oh my god, they're going together? I love them so much, they're so great. They're so a cute-**

 **Harry: No! No!**

 **Ron: I hate em, I hate them so much! Oh my god, it pisses me off. Why'd she turn you down, you're like the coolest guy in school.**

Ron and Harry high fived, "Best friends."

Hermione nodded to Ginny and told her it was time.

Ginny nodded back, "Boys, real best friends don't get mad at each other for putting their name in a contest. Sorry to break it to ya."

 **Harry: I don't know, I don't get it. I play guitar, I'm Harry Potter, I'm awesome!**

 **Ron: Reese's' Pieces?**

"It seems he's always there with comfort food.", commented Neville.

 **Harry: Yeah, I don't get it man. I guess I'll just go stag, huh?**

 **Ron: I'll probably go stag too. The only two girls I know that don't have dates already are Ginny *raspberries and thumbs down* and Hermione.**

 **Harry: Oh my god. *Raspberries and thumbs down louder.***

Draco frowned as he sat back in his seat, "They'd be lucky to even get her."

Hermione was puzzled, "Thanks- I guess?"

 **Ron: I'm not going with my stupid sister.**

 **Harry: And I think of Hermione as a sister, so that's out.**

 **Ron: We're in such a puzzle.**

Hermione shrugged, "Fair points made."

 ***Neville enters***

 **Neville: My, look at these strapping young men.**

 **Harry: Hey Neville, want this Yule Ball wreath?**

Neville's face scrunched up, "Who would I ask?"

 **Neville: Uh yeah, if your willing to part with it then I will take this wreath.**

 **Harry: Hey Ron, let's go hang out with Hagrid he'll teach us how to dance, and we can get in our dress robes.**

 **Ron: That can only lead to disaster and hilarity, let's go! I mean I still don't know about Hermione. I don't think anyone's asked her y'know cause she's so butt ugly.**

 **Harry: Hideous.**

Hermione's eyes widened, "Well- that sure makes me feel better about my life."

Draco shifted in his seat nervously, "If it makes you feel any better, Gr- I mean, Hermione, I think you're stunning."

Hermione turned red, and Ron noticing said, "Bugger off, "Malfoy."

 ***Goyle enters***

 **Goyle: Give that plant, nerd!**

 **Neville: Ah!**

 **Goyle: Oh, Goyle rules!**

Crabbe slapped Goyle on the back, "He sure does!"

 ***Draco enters speaking to Crabbe***

 **Draco: Well anyway, it was reluctant enough at first but I lured it out of it's cage with a upside down curse. And I sewed it with my fruit by the foot and beheaded it with a quick slicing charm, bloody fool. Goyle, what are you doing with that wreath? Are you going to ask someone to the Yule Ball?**

 **Goyle: *Drops wreath* No, dancing is for nerds.**

"Damn straight.", said Dean.

Snape opened his mouth, but Dumbledore silence him, "Shh. Let that one slide, Severus."

 **Crabbe: And for girls.**

 **Draco: That's right, know who the last girl I'd of asked to the Yule Ball would be? That Hermione Granger. Not even if we were the last two people on Earth and she looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown so every time I looked at her I got butterflies in my tummy, not even then. Y'now, they don't even have dances at Pigfarts. All the noise will disturb Rumble roar's slumbering cubs.  
**

"Poetic.", whispered Lavender.

 **Goyle: Dancing is for pansies.**

 **Draco: Hey you there, what's your name?**

 **Pansy: Pansy.**

 **Draco: Perfect! You're going to the Yule Ball with me. You see that dragon? Well, it was reluctant enough at first, but I lured it out of it's cave with an upside down-**

"So much for bro's before hoes." muttered Ron.

Draco shrugged, "She's Pansy, kind of just a side chick." That comment really flared some of the girls up and soon Draco couldn't move anything without feeling excruciating pain, even in his new horns.

 ***Quirrel enters***

 **Quirrel: Decorating crew! Just the Yule Ball decorating crew coming through. Last minute decorations *Sets down bowl and tears turban off* My lord, the Yule Ball has finally arrived, and I've brought the key!**

 **Voldemort: Yes, I know Quirrel I hear everything you hear!**

"How many times-", Harry sighed, rubbing his head.

 **Quirrel: I'm sorry.**

 **Voldemort: No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't of snapped. I'm just nervous that's all.**

"I ship it so much!", squealed Cho.

 **Quirrel: Nervous?**

 **Voldemort: No.**

 **Quirrel: Why?**

 **Voldemort: I don't wanna talk about it.**

 **Quirrel: Hey, it's just me. You can tell me anything, you know that.**

Parvati was squeezing her arms tightly, "Just kiss already!"

 **Voldemort: Yeah, yeah you're right, you're right. I'm just nervous because we've been planning this night for so long and I want everything to go perfectly, y'know.**

 **Quirrel: Don't worry, we've mapped out everything. We've anticipated every single problem and compensated for it. We even prepared what you're going to say to Potter when you see him. So just cool down, relax. By the end of the night you'll have your revenge and your body back.**

Harry rolled his eyes, "I bet it's another speech."

 **Voldemort: Yeah, you're right, you're right. I'm being silly. But y'know, Quirrel over the last year I've really grown attached to you, no pun intended.**

 **Quirrel: Yeah, I know what you mean but hey we'll still hang out, just because we won't be attached doesn't mean we will be two completely different people, no pun intended.**

Ginny giggled "These two are way too close, pun intended."

 **Voldemort: No, of course not, course not. Quirrel, we should make plans.**

 **Quirrel: Evil plans?**

 **Voldemort: Oh, uh no, casual plans. Like um, we could go rollerblading on Saturday, and then see a movie that night.**

Cho gasped, "Is he asking him out?"

 **Quirrel: Yeah, it'll be great cause both of us will be able to watch it for a change.**

 **Voldemort: Yeah, yeah. I bet it'll be nice to sleep in our own beds, not have someone behind you all the time.**

Ginny cleared her throat, "They mean bed, not bed(s)."

 **Quirrel: And have the privacy of my old life back again. Solitude.**

 ***Sighs***

 **Voldemort: You know, whatever happens tonight man it's been a blast.**

"Honestly, I can feel the romantic tension.", Harry said, perplexed.

 **Quirrel: Yeah, one crazy year. Hey, promise we'll go rollerblading and see that movie?**

 **Voldemort: Oh man, I promise! Okay Quirrel, let's go plant that key and split, pun intended!**

 **Snape: Why, Professor Quirrel. What on Earth are you doing in the Great Dance Hall just moments before the dance?**

"Well- I mean, he is a teacher.", said Luna.

 **Quirrel: Just decorating for the Yule Ball, last minute decorations. Just one final touch.**

 **Snape: A ladle?**

 **Quirrel: A very special ladle for a very special night for a very special punch.**

 **Snape: And what's so special about it?**

"That," said Snape, "Is how I speak of Mr. Potter everyday."

Harry nodded, "Gee, thanks Professor."

 **Quirrel: Let's just say there's squirt in it.**

 **Snape: SQUIRT?! Is that not the favorite drink of one Harry Potter?**

"What on earth is squirt?", said an appalled Harry.

 **Quirrel: Is it? I had no idea, well we better be going.**

 **Snape: We?**

 **Quirrel: I- I better be going. Loud music hurts my ears.**

Cho held up two fingers together, "It's like they're one person already!"

Neville grimaced, "Cho- he's a parasite on the back of his head. They are one person."

 **Snape: Okay, well I'll see you later then.**

 **Quirrel: Maybe you won't.**

 **Snape: Or maybe I will.**

Draco sighed and rested his head on his hand.

 ***Dumbledore enters***

 **Dumbledore: Hey Severus! What are you doing here? Getting some punch are ya?**

 **Snape: Oh no, there's squirt in there.**

 **Dumbledore: Oh, only Harry Potter likes that Hog sh*t. I'll stick to my Red Bull thank you very much.**

Dean turned to Dumbledore, "Did it give you wings?"

Dumbledore shook his head, "No, I could only wish, Mr. Thomas."

 **Snape: Well good night Headmaster.**

 **Dumbledore: Severus, I saved this last dance for you.**

Snape raised an eyebrow, "Did you, now?"

Dumbledore patted his hand, "Only for you, Severus."

 **Snape: Well I would Headmaster, but a old friend is coming back into town tonight.**

 **Dumbledore: Oh.**

 **Snape: Heeheeheehee.**

"Snape," said Seamus, "You need some serious help."


	11. Act 1 Part 11

**Act 1 Part 11**

"Huh, I haven't seen Viktor at all throughout the duration of this musical. I guess the Yule Ball won't be _that_ accurate.", Hermione shrugged.

Ron nodded, "Well if _Vicky_ doesn't show up then I guess you're the a lone wolf, unlike me who will be escorting most likely a beautiful woman."

She glared at him, "Stop calling him that! What did he ever do to you?!" Ron didn't say anything, but he had the answer preparedin his head.

 ***Music plays***

 **Harry: Hey Ron.**

 **Ron: Hey, what's up dude? How's it going? Have you seen Hermione anywhere?**

Draco smirked, "It seems like I'm not the only one pining after Granger. However, your feelings have been apparent for years, Weasley."

Ron scowled, "At least I have dignity when I'm _pining_."

 **Harry: No, I haven't. Why?**

 **Ron: Nothing, it's just y'know I heard Parvati Patil telling Padma Patil that she had seen Hermione in the girls' locker room before, just crying her eyes out in the bathroom stall.**

 **Harry: Why?**

 **Ron: I don't know. Isn't that like the saddest thing you've ever heard? I mean, I don't know, it's just it was inevitable that one day Hermione would realize that nobody would ever like her, because of her obnoxious personality, her ugly face, and misshapen body, but I figured she'd get in at least one night of happiness before she realized she would be growing old alone, y'know?**

To Hermione's surprise Draco stood up, "Weasley, raise your wand! We are dueling for Hermione!" Ron took out his wand and the two bowed at each other, they began dueling. Hermione rolled her eyes and raised her wand also "Protego!" she yelled, creating a shield in between the two. She stood up, "Look, this musical shouldn't affect anyone so you don't have to pretend to like me. Why don't you, Draco, go back to your corner and you, Ron, just get as far away as possible from me."

 **Draco: You two over here talking about Granger?**

 **Harry: Malfoy, get out of here, it's none of your business. Why don't you go dance with Pansy over there?**

Draco shuddered, "Ugh, Pansy has the boniest fingers and- just ugh."

 **Draco: Hey, go get me some punch.**

 **Pansy: Okay. Um, I should tell you there's squirt in it.**

Ginny became infuriated, "What the bloody hell is squirt?!"

"It's just soda. A Muggle drink.", Hermione waved her off.

 **Ron: Oh no.**

 **Draco: SQUIRT?! Oh, never mind I'll stay dehydrated! Go powder your nose or something.**

 **Pansy: I just fixed my makeup a little while ago.**

 **Draco: Trust me, you need more powder.**

Cho frowned, "Well, that was rather rude, wasn't it?"

 **Ron: Oh.**

 **Draco: Pain in the ass, right?**

Draco raised his fist, "That Draco and I are on the same page! Pansy is so annoying!...blah blah blah" He went on and on about her obnoxiousness until almost everyone was half asleep at the boring subject of the conversation.

 **So anyway, notice Granger's not around here. Probably for the better too, no one would be able to keep their hummus and pita chips down with that ugly mug of hers darting about.**

"And that Draco," said Ron, "Is why you suck."

 **Ron: Why don't you give her a break for once, okay Malfoy?**

 **Draco: Why defending her, Weasley? Have a crush?**

 **Ron: No! No, why all the insults, Malfoy? Covering up a crush?**

Seamus rubbed his hands together, "Oh! This is getting intense!"

 **Draco: Oh, right like I could ever have a crush on a stupid mudblood like her.**

 **Cho: Oh my God! She looks beautiful, bless her heart!**

Ginny raised an eyebrow, "She's always pretty."

 **Ron: _Here I am, face to face, with a situation I never thought I'd ever see, it's strange! How a dress can take a mess and make her nothing less than, beautiful to me! It seems like my eyes have been transfigured, something deep inside has changed. They've been open wide but hold that trigger, this could mean...danger! I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I think I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love... with Hermione Granger._**

 **Draco: _What? What the hell is this? You expect me to sing about her? I don't care about her! It's just a little make-up, Draco wake up, I'm mistaken. she is the HOTTEST girl I've ever seen! Now, because she's like a girl I've never seen. Don't know why, I'd ever be so mean! This could mean, danger! I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love... with Hermione Granger._**

Hermione's eyes were wide and her mouth agape, "This is a lot to take in right now."

 **Unison: _I wanna let her know..._**

 **Draco: _I feel so queasy!_**

 **Unison: _But I can't let it show..._**

Lavender sighed loudly, "Boys."

 **Ron: _She'd laugh, poor Weasley! C'mon Ron!_**

 **Draco: _Draco!_**

 **Unison: _You gotta let it go! You gotta let it gooooo!_**

 ***Draco looks down at boner***

 **Draco: _What?! What the hell is this?!_**

Harry shrugged, "I liked Ron's double take a little bit better. Now to mention it, I like Ron's everything a little bit better than anything of Draco's.

 **Ron: _Here I am face to face with a situation I never thought I'd ever see it's strange.._**

 **Draco: _I want to make up, Granger wake up! I've been mistaken. She is the HOTTEST girl I've ever seen! Now, because she's like a girl I've never seen! Don't know why I'd ever be so mean._**

 **Unison: _This could mean... danger! I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love, I think I'm falling in love falling in love, falling in love! With Hermione Granger, with Hermione Granger, with Hermione Granger, danger!_**

Hermione was swimming in emotions, joyous, confused, anxious, etc. What was she going to do? She had no idea.

* * *

 **So I'm leaving it there and I have a surprise...drum roll please... I'm putting up a poll! So I've done one on who Ron should end up with, Hermione won, and I think that since there are more followers that I should put up a new poll. Draco or Ron? You decide. The poll will be up for three days, sorry for the short amount of time but I upload daily and I've gotta get a flow going. Don't forget to vote! It's on my profile, if you have any questions don't be afraid to message me about it. I am also doing requests. Ciao!**


	12. Act 1 Part 12

**A/N: Hey so I got some feedback about having too much OOC, and I need to include more comments. I am so sorry that I got carried away about that! I promise! I hope you can forgive me.**

* * *

 **Act 1 Part 12**

 **Ron: Oh my God.**

 **Harry: What?  
**

 **Ron: I just can't believe she's dancing with every guy but me, that is so stupid.**

Draco looked in Ron's direction, "Jealous much?"

Ron scowled, "Well she isn't dancing with you, remember? You ran off stage."

 **Harry: Why do you even care, man?**

 **Ron: I don't care. I don't care, and that's what I'm gonna go tell her. I'm gonna go and say, I don't care what you do! And she's gonna feel so damn stupid, she is gonna feel like such an idiot!**

Seamus rubbed the back of his neck, "Oi, I don't think it's possible for Hermione to be stupid she's brilliant- about as smart as McGonagall."

Hermione blushed, "Thanks Seamus."

 **Harry: Ron, you're acting like a real jerk. Maybe you should take it easy on the butterbeer.**

 **Ron: No!**

Harry's eyebrows furrowed together, "He's drinking butterbeer, not firewhiskey."

 **Hermione: Hey guys!**

 **Harry: Hey Hermione, you look great, you look wonderful.**

Lavender shook her head, "I don't know if it's just me, but she still looks the same. Meaning, she's always been pretty."

 **Hermione: Oh thanks, yeah, you know I used to think looks weren't important but now I think they're more important than anything. It's just, I'm having so much fun dancing with everyone.**

 **Ron: WOW, HERMIONE, WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO SHALLOW, WHEN?**

Dean held his arms out toward the screen, "Behold! What an infuriated drunk looks and acts like."

 **Hermione: What is wrong with you, Ron?**

 **Ron: NOTHING! NOTHING'S WRONG! Why don't you go ask Schlongbottom to dance, huh? Go do it.**

"I am very good at waltzing.", said Neville to Hermione.

Hermione giggled, "I'll keep that in mind."

 **Hermione: You know what? Maybe I will.**

 **Ron: Showed her, showed her so good.**

Ginny patted Ron's back, "You sure did, Ron. You showed her just as much as you show me during quidditch practices, absolutely nothing at all!"

 **Harry: Wait a second! Wait a hot second! I know what's going on here!**

 ***Hermione twerks on Neville***

"Whoa, hold up," Hermione nearly shrieks, "I would never do that for Neville! Or anyone for that matter! No offense to you, Neville."

Neville frowned, "No, it's fine."

 **Harry: You've got a crush!**

 ***Ron nods***

 **Harry: Alright, Ron. Listen to me now. Just a little advice, just call me crazy. But girls don't really like it when you're angry at them, much less when you shout out at them. Now, maybe you should go over there and tell her how much you care about her, okay? Maybe you should ask her to dance.**

Ginny laughed, "And that, my friends, was Wise Words with Harry. Tune in next week to find out how to take a girl on a date."

 **Ron: No! Cause then she'd know that I liked her, and you always know that you never tell a girl you like her it makes you look like an idiot!**

 **Harry: I know it makes you look like an idiot. Any time you tell a girl you like her it makes you look dumb, it's inevitable. But listen, it's something you have to do. Ron, you have to move forward so that everyone will like you back. Okay? And what have we got to lose? We look like idiots anyway, look at our robes. You know, if we dress like this in the muggle world, we'd get our asses kicked. We have nothing to lose, absolutely nothing! I bet she probably wants to dance with you just as much as you want to dance with her. You just gotta give it a chance. Maybe there was something there you didn't see before, y'know? Just gotta go and maybe find someone special and through the whole time you just didn't have the guts to say anything.**

Ginny gasped, "Harry, you're going over to me! You're going over to me!"

Harry nodded, "Yes Ginny I am, because I like you."

Ginny sighed deeply, "Do you like me in real life too?"

Harry nodded , "More than life itself."

 **Ron: Wait, where are you going? Where are you going, I'm still mad and sad.**

 **Harry: Hold on. HP's gonna take his own advice, pal. Hey Ginny.**

"They look the exact same! They're just wearing dresses now!", said a flabbergasted Cho.

 **Ginny: Oh, hey Harry.**

 **Harry: Can I sit down?**

Dean changed his voice to a light soprano, "Oh yes, Harry. There's a spot right here on my lap, go on sit down."

Harry couldn't tell if Dean was still angry about the breakup or trying to get a laugh, perhaps both.

 **Ginny: Um, yeah sure.**

 **Harry: Sooo, uh how's Hogwarts?**

Dean spoke once again, "Would be better if it was you shagging me instead of the incredibly sexy Dean Thomas who for some reason still isn't good enough for me."

Some people in the room gasped but most of the boys weren't surprised at all. Seamus patted Dean on the back, "Plenty of other witches in the world."

 **Ginny: It's okay, I was actually really excited to come here, but now that I'm here I just- I just don't think I belong.**

 **Harry: Oh, yeah I totally know what you mean.**

Ginny furrowed her eyebrows, "No you don't, remember you're Harry freaking Potter." Harry just shrugged it off.

 **Ginny: Uh, no you don't, you're Harry Potter.**

 **Harry: Yeah, I know for 11 years I was this dumb kid who got the crap kicked out of me and living under a staircase and all of a sudden, you're a wizard, you have all these powers and everyone thinks I'm cool all of a sudden, it's weird, it's kind of isolating. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm complaining about being famous, I'm sorry.**

"The struggle.", said Hermione.

 **Ginny: I understand, it's like when you first got here, nobody wanted to get to know you because they thought they knew you already. But, eventually you'll find someone who'll want to get to know you for the real you!**

 **Harry: Ginny, I've really been taking you for granted so tell you what, c'mon wanna dance?**

 **Ginny: Okay**

Hermione laughed, "Even if Ginny doesn't act like that on the outside, it sure is going on inside."

Luna finally spoke, "Yes, the probability of that is very strong. She has a strong inner fire for Harry."

"Matches her hair.", said Draco.

 **Harry: I gotta warn you, I learned all of my best dance moves from Hagrid, so I'm not that great.**

 **Ginny: Oh, I'm sure you'll do fine. Whoa, Harry Potter, I don't care what anybody says you're the best dancer that ever was.**

"I must have underestimated Hagrid's performance skills.", said Dumbledore, thinking aloud.

 **Harry: Well I've got a confession to make Ginny, these shoes right here? They're magical enchanted dancing shoes.**

 **Ginny: Wow-ie Harry Potter!**

Ron smirked, "She is so easily impressed. Fred and George were practically giving those away last year."

 **Harry: I'm just kidding, I'm just awesome at dancing.**

 **Ron: Yah!**

"Cock block.", muttered Neville.

 **Hermione: Ow!**

 **Ron: Alright, when you really dance with Neville is when you cross the line, okay? Take this, beat it, get outta here. Come here! COME HERE!**

 **Hermione: Ow! OW!**

"Ron," Hermione started, "If you did that to me in reality I would slap the freckles off of your face."

Ron nodded nervously, "Note taken."

 **Hermione: Why are you being so mean to me?**

 **Ron: I'm not being mean!**

"Beer goggles work in mysterious ways.", said Draco.

Hermione raised an eyebrow, "Malfoy, I don't think that can be an excuse used in this situation."

 **Hermione: Ow! Yes you are! You know every day, everyone is trying to put me down and on the one day I actually feel like a person you're trying to ruin it!**

 **Ron: Holy sh*t.**

"He had it coming.", said Dean, "Being a douche and all."

Snape raised his hands up in surrender, "I'm not even going to try and moderate the students anymore, Headmaster."

 **Hermione: What is wrong with you Ron?!**

 **Draco: Hey, Weasley!**

 ***Draco rolls in***

Hermione broke down laughing, "Honestly, Draco! I love it when your character rolls in, it's so adorable!"

Draco was beaming, "You really think so?"

Ron rolled his eyes, "Your character, not you."

 **Draco: The lady said no!**

 **Hermione: Not you too! You know what? I'm so sick of both of you! I hate you both! *slap* *slap***

"It looked like Ron was slapped twice.", said Harry.

Hermione shrugged, "Draco didn't really do anything anyway."

 **Draco: Oh! What did you say to her?!**

 **Ron: Oh! Nothing!**

Parvati sat up, "Hey Hermione! On a completely unrelated note, who would you rather shag? Draco or Ron?"

Hermione tapped her chin, "Draco." She answered finally, "He is just more...attractive."

Ginny shrugged, "True on that."

Needless to say, Draco was having a joyous celebration with himself.

 **Unison: I'm bleeding!**

 **Ron: Look at this!**

 **Draco: Look at this!**

"And that ladies," said Dumbledore, "Is how you single out men from boys."

The girls looked confused, "Exactly how is that, Professor?" asked Lavender.

He sighed, "A real man can take pain, but others feel the need to thrust upon other people what the pain cost them and receive admiration for it."

Not many people understood it so they went quiet and pretended to get it.

 **Harry: Ginny, I'm feeling kinda dizzy.**

 **Ginny: Then maybe we should stop spinning. It's from all this spinning huh?**

 **Harry: We have stopped spinning.**

The room started chanting, "Kiss, kiss, kiss!" Even one of the boys stood up and screamed, "DO IT! JUST DO IT!"

 ***The two kiss***

"Called it!" screamed Cho.

Luna giggled, "I believe we all did."

 **Harry: Wait, no, no,no,no,no,no! I can't do this, you're Ginny Weasley, you're my best friend's little sister, you're Ron Weasley's sister. I can't- I am so sorry Ginny, I can't do this.** **Sorry.**

 **Ginny: *Cries and walks off***

Everyone in the room awed in pity for the girl.

 **Harry: Hey Cho! Come dance with me, I'm Harry Potter, let's go.**

 **Cedric: Excuse me, I believe I was dancing with the lady.**

Ginny started whooping, "Punch him, Cedric!"

 **Harry: I know, and I'm- ploop, cutting in.**

 **Cedric: Well I FIND that to be very rude.**

 **Harry: Alright Cedric, why don't we FIND out what the lady has to say about it.**

Seamus tapped his chin, "I wonder if we can FIND out how many times you can use that joke before it gets old." Dean shook his head, "Seamus, I think you just used it's last chance."

 **Cho: Boys, there's no need to fight over little ol' me! But by the way, Cedric says you cheated on the dragon's test.**

"Wow, I don't mean to egg you on but-", said Lavender.

 **Harry: Cheated?! Are you kidding me?! I was in its mouth!**

 **Cedric: Exactly, what went on in there? I would like to FIND out.**

Neville shuddered, "Gross."

 **Harry: Alright, that is it Diggory. We are dueling, let's go.**

 **Cho: Oh! Godric's Hollow, all this excitement is making me thirsty!**

 **Harry: Oh, Cho I'll get you something to drink, I'll get you some punch!**

 **Cedric: No, I'll get the punch.**

Hermione rolled her eyes, "How bout you both get the punch and resolve your issues?" The boys in their room shook their heads, "No this is a very serious matter! I am on edge!" said Dean.

 **Harry: No, I'll get the punch.**

 **Cedric: Fine, have the punch. *punches* I did it.**

 **Cho: You did.**

Ginny started applauding and chanted, "Cedric! Cedric! Cedric!"

 **Harry: Cedric Diggory, I'm gonna kill you! *Raises ladle***

 **Everyone: PORTKEY! PORTKEY! PORTKEY!**

* * *

 **Well hello, did I live up to expectation or do I still need to improve? I love feedback from you guys and I think that there's always room for improvement. So for all you Dramione fans, I got you! I snuck in some romance in there. Now about the reviews on who to pair Hermione up with, please vote on my poll because I want to have an all in all vote with percentage. If you don't know how to vote click my profile (my username) and the poll should be there, if not please message me. Well see you soon, hopefully tomorrow, maybe, maybe not.**


	13. Act 1 Part 13

**A/N: Well, hello there. You ready for the next chapter? Yay! I also have a surprise for you guys, read to the end to figure out what it is ;)**

* * *

 **Act 1 Part 13**

 **Cedric: Where are we?**

 **Harry: I don't know, someone punched me in the face and my sense of direction goofed up!**

Ginny shrugged, "Honestly Harry, you should of seen it coming. You were being a major dickhead."

Harry scowled.

 **Cedric: Well it seems clear to me now that that punch ladle was a portkey. And now, thanks to you, we've been transported to some mystery location.**

 **Harry: Brilliant Cedric, well you're a Hufflepuff why don't you FIND a way out of this place, okay?**

 **Cedric: Harry, I think I FOUND something. It appears to be a headstone, we must be in some sort of a graveyard. Tom Riddle? Mary Riddle? Thomas Riddle? Riddle me this, eh Potter?**

Everyone in the room groaned.

Draco held out both hands as if to be choking the air and clenched his teeth, "That was a rubbish joke."

 **Harry: Cedric, I don't know about this place, we gotta get out of here.**

 **Cedric: Harry, you're a Gryffindor where's your sense of adventure?**

Ron snickered, "It shot out of him just as quick as his piss did."

 **Harry: Cedric! You are so annoying, okay! You're like this guy that's just around all the time when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy all the time, this spare dude, you're such a spare!**

 **Voldemort: Kill the spare, Avada Kedavra!**

 ***Cedric falls* Cedric: So many regrets, I'm dead.**

Cho started choking up.

Harry gaped at the screen, "That's not what happened."

Snape's eyes widened, "Calm yourself, Mr. Potter. It is only a parody."

 **Harry: Oh my wizard God!**

 ***Quirrel enters***

 **Quirrel: Not so fast, Petrificus Totalus!**

 **Harry: Professor Quirrel, you just killed Cedric!**

Dean raised an eyebrow, "Way to be Captain Obvious, Harry. He totally didn't mean to use the killing curse. Oh no! Now he's really going to lose his job!"

 **Voldemort: Harry Potter, the boy who lived it's good to see you again.**

 **Snape: The cauldron is ready my loooorrrddd.**

Hermione held a hand up to her ear, "Snape? Is- is that you?"

Ron shook his head, "Oh no, Hermione, that's just a Death Eater with the same exact hair cut and wardrobe as Professor Snape."

 **Voldemort: Ah.**

 **Harry: Cauldron? What are you guys going to do? Eat me? Gross!**

 **Voldemort: As delicious a dish I'd think you make, Potter I need a stomach of my own to digest you. And I haven't got one of those, yet.**

The whole room was staring at the screen wide eyed, asking things among themselves such as, Why did he get in the cauldron? and Why is he raising that sword?!

 **Snape: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHH! Whoo, okay.**

Some of the boys flinched but most of the girls screamed, many looking towards Snape to see if he still had both hands. Snape rolled his eyes and raised his hands to show that they were still right where they had always been.

 **Detention, Potter.**

 **Harry: Detention? This guy is as big as an asshole as Snape is.**

Seamus snickered, "I liked that joke."

 **Quirrel: It worked!**

 ***Voldemort stands up in all his 6 pack glory***

There was a wolf whistle in the crowd and the girls started giggling and talking to their friends. Lavender looked up to the ceiling and said, "Voice, who is this fair Muggle on the screen?"

The disembodied voice sounded, "This intriguing Muggle is Joe Walker, an actor for the musical group Star86++Kid." On the screen showed a picture of the so called Joe Walker and to everyone surprise, Lavender stood up, walked to the screen and hugged it then sat back down quietly.

 **Voldemort: _When I was a boy, an orphan boy, I'd love to move my feet. I'd hear a tune, and start to swoon, my life would seem complete. The other boys would laugh and jeer, but I'd catch em tapping their toes. And when I'd start to sway, they'd get carried away! And oh how the feeling grows. I'd take my foot *tap tap tap tap*, my little foot *tap tap tap tap* And with that foot *tap tap tap tap* Oh how I'd start to shake. I'd take two feet, two tiny feet, hey look! That's neat! It's coming true! I finally get to dance again, Woohoo!_**

Seamus furrowed his brow, "Oi, I thought the whole point of coming alive was to kill 'arry and take over the wizarding world, in his words put Muggles in their place, Mudbloods in their place, and Quirrel's clothes in their place."

There was a hush in the room because of what Seamus had said. Dumbledore decided to break the silence, "Mr. Finnigan, even if you are quoting the musical please check your facts."

 **Voldemort: _To dance again! I've been waiting all these years to dance again, and now at once a chance appears, to hear the beat, so on your feet, it's time to dance again. Come on Potter, Imperio!_**

Hermione scratched her head, "I thought that Harry was resistant to the controlling curse."

Snape shook his head, "Ms. Granger, keep quiet."

 _ **You take your foot, your little foot, hey look! Your foot. See how it starts to shake.**_

 **Quirrel: Oh! Try his arms! How 'bout a twirl? He's like a girl! How overdue! I finally get to dance again with you.**

 **Unison: To dance again, I've been waiting all these years to dance again, and now at once a chance appears. It's lovely swaying, the musics playing, come on let's dance again. Everybody now!**

"Hm.." started Cho, "Were Quirrel and Voldemort, like a thing?"

Dumbledore shrugged, "Cho, my dear girl, it's hard to tell."

 **Everyone: _I take my foot._**

 **Voldemort:** _ **You take your foot.**_

 **Everyone: _My little foot._**

 **Voldemort: _Take that little foot!_**

Seamus snapped his fingers along with the beat, "Shove it up your arse."

 **Everyone: _And oh my foot._**

 **Voldemort: Lemme here it now!**

 **Everyone: _Look how it starts to shake. Oh Voldy's back._**

Harry pouted, "I thought I came up with that nickname."

Ginny patted his back, "It's okay, Harry. We still love you."

 **Voldemort: _Hello World!_**

 **Everyone: _For the attack._**

 **Voldemort: _I'm gonna getcha._**

 **Everyone: _But first there's something he's gotta do._**

Parvati was now in tears of laughter, "I- I just can't with this musical!"

 **Everyone & Voldemort: _To dance again! I've been waiting all these years to dance again, and now at once a chance appears. Everybody make way-_**

 **Voldemort: _For a pas de bourree_**

 **Everyone and Voldemort: It's time to dance, it's time to dance, it's time to dance. AGAAAAAIIINNNN!**

 **Voldemort: Ahahaha.**

"Beautiful.", said Luna dreamily.

* * *

Yay you read through it! Or at least scrolled through. So are you read for the surprise? The poll results are in and the answer to whom Hermione will be with has been decided by you guys. And the man Hermione is to be with is...drumroll please... DRACO! 80% of you ship Dramione and 20% of you ship Romione. I'm so sorry 20%, but I'm sure you'll like it anyway. Ciao!


	14. Act 1 Part 14

**Act 1 Part 14**

 **Voldemort: Ah!**

 **Harry: K so..**

"Harry in awkward situations is hilarious.", giggled Ginny.

 **Bellatrix: My dark lord.**

 **Voldemort: Bellatrix Lestrange.**

"She seems like a sex slave at the moment.", muttered Hermione.

 **Bellatrix: My liege! Tell me it's going to be like the old days when we'd do nothing but torture, murder, and make love.**

"Woah, woah woah," Hermione put her hands up, "I thought Quirrel and Voldemort were a thing! What even is this?! And isn't she married?"

Ginny shrugged, "Maybe she's just a side chick?"

Seamus crossed his fingers to portray a cross and said, "Sinner."

 **Voldemort: The old days are back, baby!**

 **Bellatrix: I can't tell you what it was like without you!**

Draco shuddered, "Gross. Gross."

 **Voldemort: Well I'm never going again. *Drops her* 'cause I've conquered death and my first pleasure will be to kill Harry Potter. Next, to take over the Ministry of Magic. Then rule the world for all time, ahahaha.**

 **Bellatrix: And you will my lord! Not yet, right now we must stick to the plan. We blame Potter's murder on Quirrel, so that your return may remain a secret. The Death Eaters are prepared to take on the entire Ministry of Magic, much less Dumbledore, and the Order of the Phoenix.**

Dumbledore looked nervous, "Students, I'm afraid I will have to obliviate your memories of that scene."

Ron looked upset, "What for, Headmaster?"

 **Quirrel: I'm sorry, what was that about me going to Azkaban for Potter's murder?**

 **Bellatrix: You shall refer to him as my lord, my liege, or my dark lord all the-**

 **Voldemort: No, no, no, no, no Bellatrix it's cool. Quirrel's cool, Quirrel's cool, over the last year he's proven himself to be a very good frie- very good servant to the will of the dark lord.**

Parvati's eyes began to tear up as she noticed that the two men's friendship was coming to a close, some other girls from the DA began to do the same. Harry patted Ginny's shoulder, "It's for the best, they need to be separated."

 **Quirrel: Oh, I see! So you're Thomas Jefferson and I'm your Sally Hemmings, is that right?"**

Seamus cocked his head, "I've heard of Thomas Jefferson, but not of Sally Hemmings. Headmaster, who is she?"

Dumbledore racked his memories to recall the story, "Mr. Finnigan, in the 18th century there were slaves and all of them were African American, a terrible thing it was. Mr. Jefferson, however, agreed with most of the citizens in The United States and denounced them. What so many people didn't know was that had he had an affair with one of his slaves, Ms. Hemmings. It's said that they had up to 6 or 7 children."

 **Voldemort: No, no! Quirrel, that came out wrong.**

 **Quirrel: Isn't it?**

 **Bellatrix: Silence Slave, Crucio!**

 **Quirrel: AHHHHHHHHHH!**

Lavender stared, "How can she be so rude? Voldemort looks good compared to her!"

 **Bellatrix: What's the matter? He is your pawn! You are his queen. It is an honor to serve the dark lord, no matter what the task!**

 **Voldemort: Are you all right?**

There were a few awe's in the room.

 **Quirrel: Did you really know the whole time you'd blame Potter's murder on me?**

 **Voldemort: Yes, yes I knew but things have changed over the last year. I feel different now!**

Hermione gasped and covered her mouth, "Oh no! I know where this is going."

 **Quirrel: Don't touch me!**

 **Voldemort: How do I explain this?**

A girl in the room screamed, "Just admit it, you love him!"

 **It's like that movie 'She's all that'! Remember? We watched that together. Remember in the end Freddy Prinze Jr. turns out to be good.**

 **Quirrel: No, I didn't get to see the end because you were watching it while you were on the back of my head, sucking my soul!**

 **Voldemort: Well I wish there was another way, but I've got to take over the world!**

Dean shook his head, "Oh, that's cold."

 **Quirrel: Well there it is, I'll let you know that it's going to be really hard to make that rollerblading date from Azkaban.**

 **Bellatrix: Death Eaters, take him away! Now you have what you've been waiting for so long, my liege.**

 **Voldemort: What?**

Ginny frowned, "Well you don't have love, that's for sure."

 **Bellatrix: Your chance to kill Harry Potter.**

 **Voldemort: Yes, kill Potter! Whoa, where'd he go?**

Harry smirked, "Every time."

 **Harry: You're not getting me today, Voldemort. But tell you what, I'll get you some punch!**

 **Everyone: PORTKEY PORTKEY PORTKEY!**

 **Ginny: Oh my Rowling, what happened Harry Potter?**

"So now they're on speaking terms?", asked Lavender.

Cho shrugged, "I guess since she thought he was dead, that compensated for everything."

 **Dumbledore: Harry, what the hell are you doing over here you're missing the raffle!**

 **Snape: What happened in the graveyard, Harry?**

 **Harry: It's Voldemort! It's Voldemort! He's back!**

Harry rolled his eyes, "The suspense!"

The voice spoke, "That was Act 1 of A Very Potter Musical. Did you enjoy it? Great. Tomorrow you will reappear in this room once again but for now please exit the room and enjoy the rest of your night."

Everyone left the room. Draco, having stayed behind, noticed Hermione was leaving. He hurried forward and grabbed her arm. Hermione whipped around, "Oh. It's you."

Draco nodded, "Yeah, anyway, I wanted to talk to you."

Hermione remained silent. As if to say, 'Speak.'

Draco found himself messing with the hem of his handsome green sweater. "I just- I seem to have found myself completely and utterly smitten with everything about you."

Hermione's eyes widened, yet Draco continued. "I just can't stop thinking about you." He gestured back into the room, "About 75% of my time spent in that room was revolving around you. Please say you feel the same way."

Hermione bit her lip, but couldn't help it when her face broke out into a huge grin. "Of course I do, Draco. I never really could determine how you were feeling, but yeah, I definitely feel the same way!"

Draco grinned, and pulled in for a kiss, which was gladly returned.

* * *

 **I am proud of that scene^^^**


	15. Act 2 Part 1

**A/N: FINALLLLLLYYYY! If you've been here since act 1 part 1, bless you for sticking with me.**

* * *

 **Act 2 Part 1**

Once the classes of the day were over all of the students headed down to the Great Hall to eat their dinner. Hermione and Draco, much to Ron's dismay, shared a long, lingering kiss before heading off to their separate tables. The teachers liked Hermione way too much to point out all the PDA she was doing. Afterwards, everyone headed back to the common rooms and waited to be summoned. While some students stayed down in the common room, there were multiple games of Wizard's Chess and house with many different Pygmy Puffs running around. Soon everyone was summoned into the room for Act 2 of A Very Potter Musical.

 **News Person 1: EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! HARRY POTTER, THE BOY WHO BEAT VOLDEMORT, NOW SAYS HE'S BACK!**

 **News Person 2: DAILY PROPHET, GET YOUR DAILY PROPHET HERE! HARRY POTTER VS VOLDEMORT ROUND TWO!**

Many people were covering their ears from the loudness of the News Reporters.

"Ah, it seems I have lost my hearing." said Dumbledore rather loudly. Many people laughed at what they thought was a joke. Turns out Dumbledore really had gone deaf for a few minutes so the Disembodied Voice paused the video.

 **News Person 3: MINISTER OF MAGIC, CORNELIUS FUDGE, MAKES A STATEMENT!**

 **Fudge: I've heard these Voldemort rumors and I for one simply don't believe it!**

 **News Person 1: VOLDEMORT TALKS ABOUT IT ON HIS NEW FLOO TUBE CHANNEL!**

Harry started in fits of laughter, "Hahaha! It's just-ahahaha- just like him!" There were numerous nodding of heads.

 **Voldemort: I'm gonna find Harry Potter and I'm gonna bleep in his bleep**

Draco laughed maniacally "That's exactly what I'm going to do to you, Weasley!"

Ron scowled, "Glad we have the same intentions towards each other."

 **News Person 1: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOOK 17 AGAIN?**

Cho looked confused, "He doesn't look 17- he looks like he's 60 years old!"

Lavender shook her head, "Cho, a little six-pack goes a long way."

 **Voldemort: Well it was a little slow in the beginning but I mean- c'mon Zac Efron, Zefron! Enough said.**

Parvati looked intrigued. She looked up at the ceiling, "Voice, show us Zac Efron please."

There were murmurs of agreement. The voice sounded, "Of course but first answer this question, "What team?" The purebloods were confused but all of the muggle borns stood up and screamed, "WILDCATS!"

There were chuckles around the room as the muggle borns reminisced in their younger days. On the screen popped up a picture of one of the sexiest men alive. There were some 'awes' in the crowd. The loudest awe was definitely from Dumbledore.

 **Fudge: I've seen these so called "posts" and I still don't believe it! This is a rouse, you've all been hoodwinked!**

 **News Person 4: Professor Quirrel confesses to murder at Hogwarts of Cedric Diggory! Proceeds life in Azkaban!**

A choke comes out of Cho and before you knew it she was bawling as hard as ever. Many girls and desperate guys tried to calm her down but were unsuccessful. Abou 15 minutes later she stopped crying and they could finally continue the clip.

 **All: EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!**

 **Harry: This totally sucks, man.**

 **Ron: This is horrible.**

 **Harry: Yeah I know, look at this, it's terrible. _Harry Potter vs Voldemort the Fight of the Century_**

Ginny raised an eyebrow, "I don't think Ron is upset about the same thing."

 **Ron: No it's not that! It's Hermione. It's just like- I can't get her out of my head and every time I look at her I have these pains in my chest and I just know it's her fault, that bitch! I'm just not cut out for this Harry, I'm not.**

Draco rolled his eyes, "It's called a crush, Weasley. Too bad you never make it farther than that."

Hermione punched Draco's arm, "Draco! Shut up."

 **Harry: Yeah man, I know what you mean, it'** s **like you're trying to save the world and the whole world is just against you.**

 **Ron: No, no, no, no! This isn't about you. Why does ever conversation we have have to turn into Potter talk?**

Harry made a face that said 'what even' and said, "Potter talk? Is that what you call it behind my back?"

 **Harry: It's not Potter talk.**

 **Ron: No, no! I'm miserable! *points at huge chocolate bar* And all you can do is talk about yourself! You're like the most self absorbed guy I know, if you were miserable I'd be there for you but you won't even listen to me and I'm sick of it. So- so good luck with whatever you're talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. Me? I'm never going to be happy again. So I'm just going to go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.**

Neville nodded, "A very productive use of his time."

 **Hermione: Were you just talking to Ron?**

 **Harry: Yeah I was trying to tell him about Voldemort.**

 **Hermione: Well did he say anything about me?**

Cho gasped, "It's 3rd year drama!"

 **Harry: Uh, yeah he said something-**

 **Hermione: Well was one of them an apology for how he treated me at the Yule Ball?**

Ron laughed viciously, "Ha! No! I would never apologize over something like that!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "We are well aware of that, Ron."

 **Harry: Um, yeah I heard about that. Listen I was wondering if maybe you heard a little something I don't know- Voldemort is back! Uh, Cedric Diggory is dead-**

 **Cho: Oh!**

Several students held Cho so she wouldn't break down crying.

Snape sighed of relief, "Thank you, students, for shutting her blubbering up!"

 **Harry: Professor Quirrel was crazy, and now I have to save the world! Did you hear that, Hermione?**

 **Hermione: Um actually, I have heard those things, Harry. About a thousand times, but never have they been told to me with so much sass. Drop the attitude, Harry Potter. You are acting like Garfield on a Monday.**

"Uh," started Neville, "Who is Garfield?"

Parvati tapped her chin, "I believe he is a 5th year that has quite the temper on him."

Hermione shook her head, "No, Garfield is an animated cat who is in a cartoon."

 **Harry: Don't you think I have a right to be a little stressed out?**

 **Hermione: Well no, no I don't. You know what this is just like with the dragon, okay? I stressed out, I told you to prepare, and yet you didn't do anything and you were fine. You know, you just played your little guitar. I mean- and I don't know what you're crying about, Harry, this is just like when you defeated Voldemort and you were a baby.**

 **Harry: Hermione, c'mon you're the friend that's supposed to tell me to go to the library to figure this stuff out.**

Hermione sucked her cheeks in, "Yup, that's me."

 **Hermione: You know what, Harry? I don't do that anymore.**

 **Draco: Read it and weep, Potter! Heard Voldemort's back, *rolls onto desk* and he's trying to kill you. What do you think about that, moon shoes?**

"I don't understand," said Draco, "Why do I roll around on everything?"

Dumbledore looked in his direction, "Because it provides entertainment, Mr. Malfoy."

 **Harry: Malfoy I honestly don't see why you're so happy about this. If Voldemort is back-which he is- we mine as well kiss Hogwarts goodbye, we mine as well kiss the whole planet goodbye.**

 **Draco: Kiss the planet goodbye? Having second thoughts about Pigfarts, are you?**

Lavender stood up, "I got it! Pigfarts is like the opposite of Hogwarts! The opposite of hog? Pig. The opposite of warts? Farts!"

Ginny sounded sarcastic when she said, "Wow, great job, Lavender."

 **Harry: Malfoy, you're the last person I want to talk to right now, okay?**

Crabbe squealed, "Draco, you're humping that desk!"

Goyle shrugged, "He must have preferences."

 **Draco: You know what? Once you're out of the way, I'll be the coolest kid in school.**

 **Hermione: Malfoy, that'll never happen everybody hates you.**

 **Draco: Oh right, okay this coming from Hermione STRANGER.**

Hermione's eyebrows zoomed high, "Hermione STRANGER? That's the best you got?"

 **Pansy: She's right Malfoy, she's cool than you now.**

 **Cho: Even Moaning Myrtle is cooler than you.**

 **Neville: Take this, Expelliarmus!**

 ***Draco's pants fall down***

The room erupted in laughter, "He isn't wearing underwear! He wears a diaper!"

 **Draco: No! Right, right stop it!**

 **Snape: What the devil is going on here? Draco Malfoy, pull those trousers up at once!**

 **Draco: Professor, I just-**

 **Snape: I don't want to hear it! I need to see you in my office, *holds up hook hand* now.**

There were more gasps in the room, but most people saw it coming.

 **Draco: This is all your fault, Potter! You'll pay for this! You'll all pay!**

 **Harry: Hey Ginny, what's up? I hope you have something to say about Voldemort.**

 **Ginny: Who?**

 **Harry: Whatever.**

 **Ginny: *Offers Doritos***

Ron laughed, "That's how we know you're unlike most Weasley's! You actually share your food!"

 **Harry: I'm fine.**

 **Ginny: Um, hey Harry. Um, so we kissed at the Yule Ball. And well- I thought we were going to be together forever but we're not.**

Cho scoffed, "I don't think that's how anything works."

 **Harry: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.**

 **Ginny: What's going on?**

 **Harry: Ginny, this is what's going on. Don't you get it? Everyone is in danger who's near to me, we can't be together cause if Voldemort is back- which he is- you're in mortal peril. Don't you get it? It's just like the Spider-man movie, haven't you seen that? Mary Jane and Peter Parker can't be together.**

"Weird," said Dean, "I did not think that was a major plot in the movie but I what do I know?"

 **Ginny: And the whole point of Spider-man 2 was that MJ and Peter Parker could be together again.**

 **Harry: Yeah I know but the point of Spider-man 3 is everything sucks and it falls to sh*t! Ginny, what I'm trying to say is I don't want my life to be like Spider-man 3. I hate that movie. I'm sorry that's just my way of saying, well- we can't be together. I'm sorry Ginny.**

Ginny sniffled, "Poor girl."

 **Ginny: I'm such an idiot!**

 **Harry: I need a butterbeer.**

Draco got up and clapped Harry on the back, "I never thought we'd agree on anything but me to, Potter. Me too."

 **Dumbledore: Hey psst! Potter! Hey, it's me.**

 **Harry: Who're you?**

 **Dumbledore: It's Dumbledore! Listen Harry, I've got some very important things to tell you.**

Seamus was working things through his head, "He had a fake beard to cover his other beard. He couldn't just shave?"

Dumbledore shook his head, "Never shave a beard, Mr. Finnigan. Never.

 **Harry: What? Oh, about Voldemort?**

 **Dumbledore: Yes! Things that are absolutely crucial for you to know, but I can't get into it right now. I need you to meet me in my inner office at 10 o'clock and come by yourself. Bring that, uh, Invisibility Cloak of yours. And don't go blabbing your mouth about this to anybody. Voldemort has spies that can be anywhere. Even inside of Hogwarts. From now on, the only person you can trust, Harry, is me and Severus Snape.**

Parvati pinched the bridge of her nose, "The sexual tension between Snape and Dumbledore is just too much."

 **Harry: Listen, Dumbledore, I know you don't want to hear this, but I am not so sure about Snape. I think, I think- You know I'm pretty sure he's working for Voldemort.**

 **Dumbledore: What? That's stupid. You're stupid!**

Hermione awed, "So cute. Defensive Dumbledore."

 **Harry: No, no I'm positive. That night in the graveyard some Death Eater cuts off his hand and Snape shows up without his hand, what is that?**

 **Dumbledore: Oh cockamamie! Snape has assured me that he lost his hand in an entirely unrelated incident.**

 **Harry: Dumbledore, Why do you trust Snape so much?**

 **Dumbledore: Cause I love him.**

The students looked at the two professors and it seemed as if they had forgotten they weren't alone in the room. Snape leaned in, "Is that true, Albus?" Dumbledore nodded, "It always has been." The two leaned in and shared a passionate kiss. There were some wold whistles and a round of applause. Everyone cheered.

 **Harry: Professor I-**

 **Dumbledore: Hey! I don't wanna hear any fuss about it. There is no way Severus Snape ever is, was, or shall be a servant of Voldemort.**

* * *

 **Whoa! I just had that idea so now there is a Severus/Albus ship going on! YAY! Alright so I'm so so so sorry that it took me so long to update but I'll try to keep uploading faster.**


	16. Act 2 Part 2

**A/N: OMG YOU GUYS! I literally just got the nicest review EVER from a Guest! I saw the long paragraph and I was like oh geez, did I seriously mess up this time? But it turns out that apparently the last chapter turned out great! They also called me an amazing author! Okay, I need to calm down. Thank you mysterious stranger for that kind review and thank you to everyone else. I can't fall asleep so I'm writing this in the course of two days. Oh by the way that Guest said they was upset she missed the vote because they wanted Romione but I know many, many of you want Dramione based on the voting and the reviews that scream 'PLEASE MAKE IT DRAMIONE'. So I'm sorry Romione fans, but it is a Dramione fiction. But another great idea they had was to have Ron get together with Luna, and I am all for it! So without further ado here is Act 2 Part 2.**

 **BTW: Dape (Dumbledore & Snape) might be a little OOC when it comes to their relationship.**

* * *

 **Act Part 2**

 **Snape: All hail Voldemort!**

Harry stood up and pointed at Snape whom was cuddling with Dumbledore, "I knew it! You really do work for Voldemort!"

Dumbledore frowned, "Harry, would you please sit down this is only a musical."

Harry sat down while the two continued to cuddle.

 **Death Eater 1: Severus Snape, what are you doing** **here?**

 **Death Eater 2: Have you got tired of being on Dumbledore's lap?**

Snape grinned, "Oh I'd never get tired of that." He winked at Dumbledore.

The students were very happy for the two but they found their outbursts quite annoying and disturbing at some times.

 **Death Eater 1: I ought to jelly legs jinx you right now traitor.**

 **Snape: Don't be goofy with me, I'm here to see** **Voldemort.**

Ron rolled his eyes, "And I'm totally in love with Hermione, stop lying Snape!"

Dumbledore brought a finger to his lips, "Hush, Mr. Weasley. It is nothing to get so upset about."

 **Death Eater 2: How do we know this isn't some Order of the Phoenix practical joke?**

 **Death Eater 1: I thought you deserted the Death Eaters when the Dark Lord lost his body.**

 **Death Eater 2: Or were you always a spy for Dumbledore?**

 **Death Eater 1: Slumbersnore!**

 **Death Eater 2: Fumblesore!**

Hermione laughed, "Those are some weird nicknames, right Draco?"

Draco nodded, "They sure are."

To completely sum up their relationship, they were slowly falling more and more for each other every day, and no one could tear them apart. Everyone but Ron was happy for the couple.

 **Death Eater 1: I heard you had your dark mark laser surgically removed.**

 **Snape: Oh, well if you two know so much about me, you should write a biography, _Snape the Double Agent_! *Shows Dark Mark* That's right, I've always been a servant of Voldemort and I've simply been under a cover finding out valuable information such as the inner workings of Hogwarts, the roster of the Order of the Phoenix, finding out exactly what a true Hufflepuff is anyway. I've seen things no Slytherin should see! So once your done putting each others feet in each others mouths, I would like to see my master!**

Luna tilted her head, "I don't understand, what is so hard to get about Hufflepuffs?"

Ron looked up from his feet and saw Luna. Something strange struck him and he felt the need to hold her, "Well Luna, let's just say that there are some pretty ignorant people in this world." He walked over to Luna and sat down next to her.

 **Death Eater 1: Of course, right away Severus.**

 **Snape: Good! I'll be in the drawing room, painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces.**

Ginny raised an eyebrow, "He does realize that a drawing room is a room in a house that you wait to be received or get entertained in, right?"

Harry tried doing what Ron did, "Well Ginny," he put his arm around her, "Some people are just really ignorant."

Ginny guffawed, "Nice try Harry, but you gotta try harder than that." Although she didn't move anywhere from Harry's arm.

 **Bellatrix: Then, after sneaking into the Department of Mysteries, we'll enchant the-**

 **Death Eater 1: Excuse me.**

 **Bellatrix: HO! WHOA! WHOAHOHO! Excuse me! I was in the middle of plotting! Now, where was I? The statues will occupy the guards in the main lobby while you and I sneak into the Minister's office, where you will be one killing curse away from complete control of the entire wizarding world! How does that sound, my lord?! My lord? Voldemort? Hm?**

Cho smiled, "I know what he's thinking about, his beloved boyfriend, Quirrel."

Other girls giggled and agreed.

 **Voldemort: Oh yeah! Gringotts, that's great, polyjuice potion, always very classy. I'm sorry, what are we talking about?**

 **Bellatrix: Did you hear anything of my evil plan?**

"It was hard not to, she practically screamed it from the mountain tops!" said Seamus.

Dean nodded, "Isn't that the person that plays my character?"

Lavender gasped, "Dean is a girl! I knew it! Now Seamus will want you, Dean!" The two boys blushed but neither objected.

 **Voldemort:Well um, the details are a little fuzzy but you did have a very evil tone!**

 **Bellatrix: He's all yours.**

 **Voldemort: What? But Bellatrix! Come back! Don't be like this! Oh. Now two people are mad at meeee. What?**

Ron slipped his arm around Luna, "I know what you mean, Voldy. It happens all the time to me." Harry turned red, "What are you getting at, Ron?"

Ron shrugged, "Oh, I don't know I guess what I'm trying to say is you two are always angry at me because I don't approve of your relationships!" Harry spazzed out while Hermione yelled at Ron, "Oh shut up, Ron."

Ron quieted and Luna comforted him, it seemed she had the same thought as Ron.

 **Death Eater 1: Sir, Severus Snape is at the door and importunes access to you.**

 **Voldemort: Severus Snape? See him in.**

 **Snape: Is that a new body my lord, you look absolutely ravishing.**

Parvati tapped her chin, "He does, doesn't he? I mean the abs help, although his face was enough."

The girls laughed.

 **Voldemort: Severus, for such a super secret spy, you're a terrible liar. I'm a wreck. Better have some good news.**

 **Snape: My lord, you know how for years we've been trying to get Death Eaters into the castle? *Puts hook on neck***

"That's awfully dangerous having a hook for a hand isn't it?" asked Lavender.

Seamus shrugged, "It does damage if attempted."

 **Voldemort: Ah, ah!**

 **Snape: For years we've been trying to sneak Death Eaters onto the grounds of Hogwarts, well I think I've discovered a way how.**

 **Voldemort: Well by all means Snape, tell me.**

Harry frowned, "He won't...will he?"

Draco yelled to the room, "5 Galleons I'll show up in this scene!"

Ron nodded, "You're on."

 **Snape: I can't.**

 **Voldemort: Can't? Tease! Why not?**

Cho sighed, "I hate it when someone pulls my leg, so irritating."

A few boys decided to ogle at her legs at that time.

 **Snape: I made an unbreakable vow not to let any Death Eaters in.**

 **Voldemort: Unbreakable vows, I hate those!**

 **Snape: I know, but I had to do it to convince Dumbledore my loyalty.**

Harry tapped his fingers on the couch, restraining himself from pointing out that Dumbledore misplaced his trust in Snape.

 **Voldemort: Yes, Snape I understand. Now if you can't help me what do you propose we do?**

 **Snape: Well I can't tell you, but I've brought along someone who can.**

Draco tensed up thinking to himself, " _Could this ruin my relationship with Hermione?"_ Hermione would've been disappointed in Draco, had she heard that thought. She loved Draco with all her heart and hoped to marry him someday along with have his babies. She also hoped in that order too.

 **Draco: All hail lord Voldemort.**

 **Voldemort: Hahahaha! Lucius Malloy's boy!**

"Ugh!" Draco groaned,"No one can get my surname right! My father will hear about this!"

 **Draco: Malfoy.**

 **Voldemort: Are you serious?! Hahahaha! Help from a child, you've got to be kidding me! Don't make me laugh, I'm pissing!**

"But I'm not a-" Draco started but Harry interrupted him, "Not right now you aren't but remember? This is supposedly our second year of Hogwarts and you wear diapers so, Malfoy, get over it."

Hermione gasped, "Harry, that was rude! Please apologize!"

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Hermione, just stop, we get you love him but some things need to be said."

 **Draco: Oh! If this homemade Dark Mark won't convince you, then at least hear me out.**

The room laughed but Luna complimented the art, "It is very... unique in a way." She said dreamily.

 **Voldemort: Hahaha. Okay, okay, okay, how do you propose you get my Death Eaters into your daycare center, and don't suggest a giant slide, or a trampoline- because we've already tried those.**

 **Draco: The vents. Your Death Eaters shall enter through the ventilation system of Hogwarts.**

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, "We don't even have vents, just water pipes."

Lavender looked surprised, "Really? Then how do-"

Snape interrupted her, "A spell, Ms. Brown, a spell."

 **Voldemort: Duh, the vents! Oh, how do we find these vents?**

 **Draco: Oh I'll tell you how to get to the vents, but first *falls and rolls on desk* we discuss the subject of payment.**

Draco grinned at Hermione, "I'm sure I'll wish for you."

Hermione cackled, "Ha! I bet you'll wish for a rocket ship instead!"

 **Voldemort: Ah the catch, there's always the catch. There's nothing in this world so cruel and demanding as the soul of a child. What do you want, Malloy?**

 **Draco: I want a galaxy traversing rocket ship with enough fuel to get me to Mars.**

Hermione crossed her arms over her chest, "Called it."

 **Voldemort: What do you want with a rocket ship? What business do you have on Mars?**

 **Draco: Well, let's just say Pigfarts, Pigfarts here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yum,yum, yum.**

Draco was trying to make Hermione feel better so he said, "Does that turn you on?"

Hermione smiled, "Oh ya, totally."

 **Snape: With all respect my lord, there's one tiny flaw in that flawless plan. Albus Dumbledore.**

 **Voldemort: Ah! You're right, Snape! Uh, normally I'd say 'I'll kill him!' but I haven't been feeling so evil lately. So here's how it's going to break down Milfoy, I need your guarantee that you'll lead my Death Eaters into Hogwarts. I will simultaneously be attacking the Ministry of Magic. Now I need you to promise that by the end of the siege at Hogwarts, Dumbledore will be dead. Leave Harry Potter for me, but Dumbledore must die. Do we have a deal? *holds out hand***

"He's dysfunctional without Quirrel!", Ginny cried.

 **Draco: We shall shake on it, bleh. *licks hand* An unbreakable vow.**

 **Voldemort: BLEH! *spits on hand***

 **Draco: Uh, I don't-**

Ron laughed, "Classic! Draco the germaphobe."

Draco glared at him, "He practically vomited on his hand!"

 **Voldemort: By the end of tomorrow night, Albus Dumbledore will be dead.**

 **Draco: Yes, and I'll have my rocket ship?**

 **Voldemort: When the technology is available!**

Hermione cocked her head, "But it is available, they just need more fuel."

No one responded.

 **Draco: And you have to be my slave for a whole day starting now! *lets go***

 **Voldemort: Oh! You little sh*t! You got me! Oh! That is so embarrassing! Oh, that's the second time that that's happened! That's why I hate unbreakable curses!**

"Is my real name little sh*t or something because everyone keeps calling me that."

Snape shrugged, "According to all the faculty at Hogwarts it is.

 **Draco: There are so many things I'm going to have you do for me! You're going to clean my room-**

 **Voldemort: Oh!**

 **Draco: And lay out my knickers!**

Crabbe and Goyle looked confused.

"I thought that was Hermione's job." said Goyle.

 **Voldemort: What!**

 **Draco: And you're going to tape Wizards of Waverly Place for me!**

"Once again," said Draco, "What is Wizards of Waverly Place?"

"Something you don't deserve.", said Luna with a wink.

 **Voldemort: Oh! I hate chores!**

 **Draco: I'll be busy with a murder. _Sometimes- *_ Stage Darkens***

* * *

 **What do you think? I enjoy every review :)**


	17. Act 2 Part 3

**Hey, so yeah I should probably blow the dust off this story. Sorry I didn't update super fast, my sister took the laptop and so I wasn't able to write, but I'm here now. Oh! Before I forget, the reviews I'm receiving from you guys are simply amazing! They really make my day :) Well without further ado here's Act 2... part 3. Well, that really ruined the rhyme.**

* * *

 **Act 2 Part 3**

 **Hermione: Why would Dumbledore want to meet us so late at night?**

Snape playfully slapped Dumbledore's arm, "Oh! Dumby you wouldn't!"

Dumbledore mocked a gasp, "Severus! Get your head out of the gutter."

The trio cringed in disgust.

 **Harry: He's got some information to tell us about Voldemort, did you bring the invisibility cloak?**

 **Hermione: Oh, I got it right here-**

 **Ron: ALRIGHT HARRY THIS BETTER BE GOOD! I don't have a snack _and_ I'm missing _Wizards of Waverly Place_ for this, okay? So what do we have to do that is so da-**

"You know," said Luna dreamily, "They do have a habit of swearing in this particular musical."

Ron nodded fervently, "Oi, you're right. Although I am used to it by now, living in my house prepares you." Luna nodded understandingly, "Your brothers I assume?"

Ron shook his head, "Nope, Ginny."

 ***Guy from offstage gives Ron _Twizzlers_ ***

 **Ron: Thank you.**

Draco laughed, "What happened to Red Vines, dough-boy?"

Hermione gave Draco a disapproving look that made him put his head down in shame.

 **Harry: Hogwarts is amazing.**

 **Ron: Want one?**

 **Harry: Yeah.**

 **Hermione: Okay you know what, I am leaving.**

Lavender rolled her eyes, "There's no reason to."

 **Harry: No, no, no, no, no, no, no you're not! Okay, when I said I need your help I meant both of you so you guys get over these hurt feelings before somebody gets hurt, okay? C'mon.**

 ***Harry knocks***

 **Dumbledore: Hello Harry, oh goddammit! I told you to come by yourself, why'd you have to bring the fatties?**

"What is he wearing?!" exclaimed Cho.

Hannah Abbot was looking down when she muttered, "What team?" But she wasn't quiet enough for the muggleborns stood up and screamed 'WILDCATS!'

 **Harry: Ron and Hermione are my best friends, and if this information is important as you say it is then they have a right to hear it too.**

 **Dumbledore: Well I've been wrong before, get in here, hot legs.**

Snape put a hand on his chest, looking offended. "I thought I was hot legs!"

 **Dumbledore: I was talking to Weasley.**

Snape held his hand up, "Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The red one?!" \

Dumbledore shrugged, "Seems better than Gandalf."

 **Ron: Thank you.**

 **Dumbledore: Sorry the place is such a sty.**

 **Ron: Oh. My. God. That is a BOSS Zefron poster!**

Parvati Patil was in love with Zac by now, she wandered to the screen once more. "Oh, Zac. If only you were a wizard, we could be inseparable!

 **Harry: That's awesome.**

 **Dumbledore: Isn't it the greatest? You know every interview I've ever seen him in he's just like such a charismatic humanitarian.**

 **Harry: You think you like him? Wrong! Cause I love him the most, Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anyone else in the planet.**

Parvati looked as though smoke was coming out of her ears, "Back off, Potter! Zefron is mine!" Harry put his hands up as to defend himself but an attack never came.

 **Ron: He does.**

 **Harry: Anyway, we have something to talk about! We're talking about** **Voldemort.**

 **Hermione: Right.**

 **Dumbledore: Harry is right, not necessarily about Zefron everybody knows that I like him the most, but uh about the dark lord. If you want to defeat this guy you're going to have to know about Horcruxes.**

Parvati yelled at Padma to hold her down because she was about to give those boys the beating of their lives.

 **Trio: What's a Horcrux?**

 **Dumbledore: A Horcrux is one of the most terrifying pieces of magic that a wizard can create. Actually when a wizard takes a piece of his soul and puts it into something else.**

"Well," said Dumbledore, "Looks like I'm going to have to erase a few memories." He flicked his wand and everyone forgot what they heard.

 **Hermione: The sword of Godric Gryffindor!**

 **Dumbledore: That's right.**

 **Hermione: Godric Gryffindor was one of four founders of Hogwarts. If anything can destroy a Horcrux that sword is it.**

"Whoa, what?" asked Hermione, still in a daze. No one answered her because they were thinking the same thing. **  
**

 **Ron: This thing is so damn awesome. Oh my god, every wizard should have a sword, not these stupid drumsticks! Forget about em! YAH! HA! AH!**

Luna giggles, "Somebody should get that sword away from him before he kills someone, or worse- break something."

 **Harry: Okay you know what, Dumbledore? So we know what a Horcrux is but where are they? Where's the last one?**

 **Dumbledore: We find them with this.**

 ***Ron starts swinging necklace around***

"I don't think you're going to accomplish anything with that necklace, Ron" said an exasperated Hermione.

 **Dumbledore: Looks like G-Unit bling, but it is actually a Horcrux seeking medallion.**

 **Harry: Wait, that's a Horcrux seeking medallion? That sounds a little too convenient.**

 **Dumbledore: Oh so you got a problem with a time turner but not with a Horcrux seeking medallion?**

"What now?" said Ginny, tapping her foot.

Harry began sweating, "Uh n- nothing."

 **Hermione: Wait, so if he has this piece of bling why are Ron and I even here?**

 **Ron: Yeah, Voldemort isn't any of our business.**

 **Hermione: Yeah.**

 **Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, when all of yous gots a problems it means all three of yous gots a problem! What would Zac Efron say at a time like this? _We're all in this together!_ Anyway, you just gotta find the Horcruxes and you gotta destroy them. That's the only way to beat Voldemort.**

"Great use of grammar, Professor." said Cho.

Snape laughed, "I think it's hot."

 ***THUD THUD THUD***

Ginny clapped her hands to her face, "Oh no, it's Umbridge!" That earned a few laughs from the crowd.

 **Oh! It must be the Death Eaters! They're coming to kill me, kids help me get into your disguise.**

 **Hermione: We don't have any beards!**

 **Dumbledore: I thought I told you to bring beards.**

"Beards are a horrible fashion statement." said Lavender.

 **Harry: I have the invisibility cloak.**

 **Dumbledore: Oh well put that on, it's not a beard.**

 **Death Eater 1: Hey are you Dumbledore?**

"Wow, this play has stupid actors, I mean would he really give himself away." said Ron.

Luna cocked her head, "That's the thing, Ron. They're _actors_.

 **Dumbledore: No, no you see I've got this beard on.**

 **Death Eater 2: Have you seen him?**

 **Dumbledore: Oh thought I saw someone over there by that mirror but I could've just been imagining what a person would look like without this beard.**

"Classy." said Draco.

 **Death Eater 1: Alright everybody, spread out and look for Dumbledore. He's got to be around here somewhere.**

 **Dumbledore: Be careful with the Zac Efron poster, it's an antique.**

 **Death Eater 2: Why do you care so much about Zefron?**

Parvati stood up and began stating the best characteristics in Zac Efron. Most people liked Zefron, but the speech was rather boring.

 **Dumbledore: I just appreciate his charms, and hair.**

 **Harry: Yeah and everybody knows that I like him the best.**

"You sit on a throne of lies." growled Parvati.

Harry laughed nervously, "Whoa, wrong movie."

 **Ron: Shut up.**

 **Death Eater 2: What was that?**

 **Death Eater 3: I wish that I could say that it was me, because I feel that I love Zefron the most. But it was definitely a voice from within this room.**

Lavender tapped her chin, "His voice is kinda hot."

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Here we go again."

 **Death Eater 2: Is it an invisible man?**

 **Death Eater 3: Could the predator be in the room?**

 **Death Eater 1: Begin invisible man search!**

 **Dumbledore: Alright, it's me it's Dumbledore.**

"Well," said Luna, "I guess he would turn himself in, Ron."

 **Death Eater 1: Dumbledore, where'd you come from?**

 **Dumbledore: The man with the beard turned me in.**

 **Death Eater 2: Now we've got you right where we want you.**

 **Dumbledore: Yes, but what I don't understand is how.**

 **Death Eater 3: We had help from a man on the inside, someone you trusted, someone you have even loved.**

"Snape in...10...9...-" said Harry.

 **Harry: Slughorn?**

 **Hermione: Lockhart?**

 **Dumbledore: Aberforth, my brother?**

 **Draco: No, it was me.**

 **Dumbledore: Malfoy, you little shit!**

Draco didn't look surprised, "Of course, the nickname again!"

Hermione patted his knee, "It's worse than Hermione Stranger but, y'know."

 **Draco: That's right, Dumbledore, I betrayed everyone. And now I'm going to kill you.**

 **Dumbledore: No you're not, Draco. If you were gonna kill me you'd have done so already.**

 **Draco: No, no, no, no, not necessarily true. I just wanted to offer you one more game of Connect 4 right before I oft you.**

Harry laughed, "I haven't played that game in years."

Ron examined his fingernails, "I bet I'd dominate you in that game too."

Harry had a competitive gleam in his eye, "You're on."

 **Dumbledore: Draco, there are other options. You know it's time you looked inside yourself and figure out what it is that you really want.**

 **Draco: I WANT HERMIONE GRANGER, and a rocket ship.**

Ron shrugged, "The basic wishlist of a pre-pubescent wizard."

Hermione giggled, "Imagine what it would be like to be that actress right then."

 **Dumbledore: Then why don't you just take the girl out to get a happy meal or go to space camp, c'mon. Murder leads to a life of despair and desperation. I know you're gonna do the right thing, huh? That a boy.**

 **Snape: What the devil is going on here?**

 **Death Eater 1: Severus Snape, we've got Dumbledore cornered.**

 **Snape: Well? What are we waiting for? Kill him, do it Draco!**

"I feel like this knows what's gonna happen in the future." said Harry.

Dumbledore panicked, "Erm, no it's just a play Mr. Potter."

 **Snape: Coward! 10 points from Gryffindor!**

Dean shook his head, "No, just no, Snape."

 **Dumbledore: I don't understand, I gave you my letter mans jacket.**

 **Snape: It never fit!**

 **Dumbledore: Why didn't you tell me? I could've shrunk it with magic! Severus, please don't kill me!**

 **Snape: Avada Kedavra!**

"Whoa." Was all the room could get out.

 **Trio: NOOOOOO!**

 **Death Eaters: AHAHAHA!**

 ***Snape motions to stop then continue***

 **Death Eaters: AHAHAHAHA!**

Dumbledore laughed nervously, "Just a play, kids."

 **Harry: I hate Snape, I hate Snape, I hate Snape, I hate him! I'm gonna kill him!**

 **Hermione: It's not your fault, Harry.**

 **Harry: No it is my fault, don't you get it? Everybody's dying because of me. First Cedric, now Dumbledore. I can't do it anymore.**

 **Ron: C'mon let's go to the Burrow, c'mon.**

Luna looked over at Ron, "You're so caring." Ron turned red from the tip of his ears to his cheeks.

 **Harry: No, no, don't you get it? I have to do this by myself. I did it once when I was a baby, I can't have you guys be near me it's too much of a risk.**

 **Hermione: Well no, we don't care about the risk!**

 **Harry: You don't understand, you have to get away from me.**

 **Ron: You can't mean that.**

 **Harry: I do, leave me alone.**

"Oh." said Draco.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

 **Hey, hope that didn't suck as much as I though it did. So I was going to upload this yesterday but I just got halfway through it at like one in the morning and then I fell asleep listening to My Chemical Romance. Ah, they're just as amazing as Panic! At the Disco. If you haven't listened to those bands you need to check them out! Certain songs would be Always- Panic! At the Disco and for MCR I would recommend The End. Well, I'll see you guys soon!**


	18. Act 2 Part 4

**A/N: So..hi guys. I'm so sorry for not updating in probably over a month it's just I've been so busy with school, and I made the volleyball team again so I have practice every day except for the weekends, my relatives are getting sick left and right, and drum roll please... I just dumped my first boyfriend. So now I will be updating every Saturday or Sunday, either way on the weekend and I promise it will be there. Without further ado, here is Act 2, Part 4.**

* * *

 **Act 2 Part 4**

 **Voldemort: Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic!**

 **Fudge: I _still_ don't believe you're back.**

Draco scoffed, "How could he be so ignorant?"

 **Voldemort: Believe this, Fudge! Avada Kedavra!**

 **Fudge: WHOA! Heart attack, surely.**

"He should probably see his doctor about that, a heart attack is very serious." stated Hermione.

Draco rolled his eyes, "Enough with your stupid, un-needed information!" Hermione's hands went to her hips and her face turned red, but before she could even retort anything Ron interrupted her."Can't we just all get along?"

Hermione flicked her wand out and sent a fleet of sporks right into Ron's arse, she sat back down, fuming.

 **Voldemort: Ah.**

 **Bellatrix: Oh hahahaha! Yes! The Ministry has fallen! Yes, you're the Minister, the king of all magic!**

 **Voldemort: Ahahahaha!**

 **Bellatrix: Oh, Voldemort. Take me, right here, right now, on the Minister's desk!**

"Woah, woah, woah...woah! Do I need to protect some innocence?", asked Dumbledore.

All of the kids shook their heads violently, but to their dismay, there was no sex scene.

 **Voldemort: I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna get ya! Come here 'Trixie. Ha! Wait, you wanna try something new?**

 **Bellatrix: So new!**

 **Voldemort: Get on the desk. Now sit up, bitch.**

"He's really dominant.", commented Neville.

 **Bellatrix: Yes, command me my lord.**

 ***Voldy sits up against her***

 **Voldemort: That's nice.**

Lavender squealed, "How much longer do I have to wait for Quirrelmort to get back together?!"

 **Bellatrix: So what do we do now?**

 **Voldemort: Anything we want, hang out mostly. We could watch a movie, how about _She's All That_? I've never seen the beginning of it.**

"Oh, I love that movie!" screamed Cho.

Seamus put his hands to his ears, "Obviously."

 **Bellatrix: You feeling okay, my lord?**

 **Voldemort: Of course I am, Quirrel.**

 **Bellatrix: Alright, that's the dozenth time you've called me that!**

 **Voldemort: No, I uh- I called you a squirrel. I called you a squirrel.**

 **Bellatrix: No, you're thinking of that pee-on we sent to Azkaban.**

"Pee-on? I have never heard of that before.", said Ron, shaking his head.

 **Voldemort: He's not a pee-on, more of a man than you'll ever be.**

 **Bellatrix: I can't do this, if I'm going to be able to be evil with all of you. I'm going to need to be able with _all_ of you.**

 **Voldemort: Evil with all of me, what? What does that mean, I'm all right here.**

Hermione shook her head, "No, he isn't. His heart has gone missing with Quirrel."

 **Bellatrix: No, there are pieces of you missing.**

 **Voldemort: Are you talking about my Horcruxes? Because if it weren't for those I wouldn't even be here right now!**

 ***Song Time***

 **Harry: _I can't remember dad and I can't remember mom, aunts and uncles aren't quite the same. But I had him, and life seemed fair, yes I had him he was there, to give me strength, show concern, ask for nothing in return, say hello, talk me through, do the things that fathers should do, and I'm missing you. I'm just missing you._**

Luna frowned, "Poor Harry. Dumbledore and him were cool. They were tight."

 **Quirrel: _There it is, he's gone and he's hung me out to dry. The joy he said he felt, well I guess it was a lie. But I had him, my life was fine, when I had him, he was mine. He'd share his thoughts be a friend, stick with me until the end, watch a movie, roller skate, fill the world with fear and hate._**

 **Both: _And I'm missing you._**

 **Voldemort: Sigh.**

Lavender fanned at her face, "I'm about to cry."

 **Both: _I'm just missing you._**

 **Voldemort: Sigh.**

 **Both: _Now I'm all alone, now he's gone for good, now I'm stuck right here wishing I understood._**

Ginny nodded, "Yeah, I don't really get it either."

 **Harry: _You gave me hope, when my spells weren't right._**

 **Quirrel: _You gave me someone to hold every night._** **_And I'm missing you._**

Cho was practically crying tears of joy, "This is the best song I've ever heard!"

 **Harry: _I'm just missing you._**

 **Quirrel: _I'm missing you._**

 **Harry: _I'm just missing you._**

 **Voldemort: Sigh.**

 **Both: _ooohhhhhh._**

Hermione sniffed, "Why am I crying?" Draco rubbed her shoulder and comforted her while she cried.

 **Death Eater: My Dark Lord, news from Severus Snape, Dumbledore is dead and the Dementors have control of the castle. Hogwarts is ours my dark lord.**

 **Voldemort: Ahhh! Excellent! Prepare my flying machine! Looks like I'm going back to Hogwarts.**

"Well," said Harry, "That scene was full of surprises for Hogwarts."

* * *

 **Eh? What do you think? Do you want me to add more Dramione, make it a little more intense or stay at the same pace? Whelp, see you next week.**


	19. Act 2 Part 5

**Act 2 Part 5**

 **Ginny: HARRY!**

 **Harry: Ginny, what are you doing here? Get out of here!**

 **Ginny: Well there's no place to go, the Death Eaters are all over the castle!**

"Surprise, surprise." Draco rolled his eyes.

Ron turned red, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Draco shook his head, "You wouldn't understand it. Well- maybe you would but I'm not going to waste my time telling you about it."

 **Harry: I know and they're looking for me, and if they find me you're gonna be with me. You're gonna get in trouble! Get outta here!**

 **Ginny: What are you going to do?**

 **Harry: I don't know, Ginny. I'm not cut out for this kind of thing.**

Snape laughed, "Ha! Not cut out for this kind of thing! The modesty is too much, Mr. Potter."

Harry blushed.

 **Ginny: Oh no! You can do something- I don't know what you can do- but you can do it! You're Harry Potter!**

 **Harry: No!**

 **Ginny: You're the Boy who Lived!**

Hermione sighed, "Just hurry up and give in already."

Ron tilted his head in confusion, "Who do you want to give in?"

Hermione shrugged, "Either works for me."

 **Harry: No, Ginny! You don't get it! When will you guys get it? I'm just a 12 year old kid. Ginny, I'm sorry but I'm alone. It's hopeless, right?**

 ***Song Time***

 _ **Ginny: I've been alone, surrounded by darkness. I've seen how heartless the world can be. I've seen you crying, you felt like it's hopeless. I'll always do my best to make you see, cause baby you're not alone! Cause you're here with me, and nothing's ever gonna bring us down cause nothing can keep me from loving you! And you know it's true! It don't matter what it comes to be, our love is all we need to make it through. Now I know, it ain't easy.**_

Seamus looked on the verge of tears, and when asked by Dean if he was okay, he responded with, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

 _ **Harry: No, it ain't easy!**_

 _ **Ginny: But it ain't hard trying!**_

 _ **Harry: It's so hard trying!**_

Draco scoffed, "Easy for Ginny to say."

 _ **Ginny: Every time I see you smiling, and I feel you so close to me, tell me! Cause baby you're not alone cause you're here with me! And nothing's ever gonna bring us down cause nothing can keep me from loving you, and you know it's true! It don't matter what it comes to be, our love is all we need to make it through.**_

 _ **Harry: Well I still have troubles! I trip and stumble, trying to make sense of things sometimes. I look for reason, but I don't need 'em! All I need is to look in your eyes, and I realize-**_

Cho wiped away a tear, "His voice is so beautiful."

 _ **Ron: Hey Harry!**_

 _ **Harry: You guys came back!**_

Ron laughed, "He honestly thought they wouldn't? They always do."

 _ **Unison: Baby, you're not alone! Cause you're here with me! And nothing's ever gonna take us down cause nothing can keep me from loving you and you know it's true, it don't matter what it comes to be, our love is all we need to make it through.**_

 _ **Harry: Cause it don't matter what it comes to be-**_

 _ **Unison: Our love is all we need-**_

Ginny smiled wide, "I really like this song."

 _ **Ron: To maaakkeee**_

 _ **Hermione: To maaakkeee**_

 _ **Ginny: To maaaakkkkkeee**_

 _ **Harry: To maaakkeeee**_

 _ **Unison: Throuuggghhh!**_

 ***End Song Time***

There were few dry eyes after this song, it made them reflect on things that really affected them in the past. As Lavender dabbed at her eyes she said, "That song really was beautiful, the end silly, but beautiful all the same."

 **Hermione: Alright, now that we've got that 4-part harmony out of the way why don't we look for that Horcrux?**

 **Ron: Ya, let's do it. It could be anywhere, if I had a Horcrux I would drop it in the bottom of the ocean or I would put it in a pyramid with King Tut and all of his jewels, or I'd blast it into space with a monkey who knew nothing about Horcruxes.**

Seamus grinned wickedly, "You know where I'd put?"

Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose in exasperation, "I don't think anyone _wants_ to know, Seamus."

 **Hermione: Or it could be hidden somewhere in the mundane British country side, our search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boats of polyjuice potion.**

 **Harry: Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not going to do that. But it does say it's in one convenient place, get this, Hogwarts. What are the odds?**

Everyone took note of what was said, for they new that it would be a phrase said often in class.

 **Ron: Well that's awesome, I love Hogwarts.**

 **Harry: It even said it's in Dumbledore's office.**

 **Ron: Oh, betcha.**

 **Harry: So let's go- wait a second, hold the phone, how did you get here? The Death Eaters are all over Hogwarts.**

"But-" started Hermione.  
"What?" Draco asked softly.

Hermione tilted her head in confusion, "I thought they didn't know what a telephone was, have you guys been messing with me?"

Ron shook his head, "It's a play, remember?"

"Oh, ya." Hermione turned red from embarrassment.

 **Ginny: Oh, I had help.**

 **Harry: From who?**

 **Ginny: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!**

Dean laughed, "That entrance, though!" Seamus joined in with the laughing and the two fell back in a fit of laughter.

 **Ron: Malfoy!**

 **Ginny: Well, no, no, no he's really nice now!**

 **Draco: Ya, I um- I just wanted to say that song you guys sang was really beautiful. And um- while I was backstage I was working on my harmonizing and thought maybe I could join you but you wrapped it up before I could chime in so, maybe if you do a reprise I could have a little go at it. So, but um- as Ginny said I am really nice now and I just feel awful about what happened so- could you argue that this was my fault?**

Hermione patted Draco's thigh, "I knew you could be good just for me."

He tapped her nose playfully, "You know I'd do anything for you." All the girls were watching in awe, thinking of their love life's while the boys took notes.

 **Ron: Yes.**

 **Harry: Absolutely.**

 **Draco: Yes, yeah that would be a safe argument- uh but let me ask you one question, do you think I'm happy about this?**

Hermione looked alarmed, "I would certainly hope not!"

Draco just shrugged.

 **Ron: Oh my God, Malfoy! Just cause you're upset doesn't mean you're off the hook.**

 **Harry: Yeah, furthermore do you want to kick your own ass or should we do it for you?**

 **Draco: Uh, well I guess if you're giving me the option- I'll kick my own ass, but first I should teach you how to get into Dumbledore's office. It's ironically the same way the Death Eaters got in.**

Ron laughed, "Going to beat your own self up? What a prat!"

Luna gave Ron a look of disapproval and Ron ducked his head down in shame, as Hermione held the angry Draco back.

 **Hermione: Alright, well why don't you guys head out to Dumbledore's office, okay? Ginny and I will take the invisibility cloak and we'll see if we can contact the Order of the Phoenix, we haven't seen them the whole play.**

 **Harry: *To Draco* Don't touch me. Let's get out of here.**

 **Ron: Hey, Hermione! Come here, come here. Come down stage. Uh listen, uh shit. Uh, alright, uh hi. So, I've been acting like a real jerk ass lately, you know that. And, uh, and I'm sorry- it's just seeing you dance with everyone at the Yule Ball just made me kind of jealous. Um, I was jealous.**

Draco began to get jealous and went into defense mode, pulling Hermione closer to him.

Ron threw his hands up, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I do not like Hermione like that!"

 **Hermione: You were jealous?**

 **Ron: That's the third time I said I'm jealous.**

Draco was about to yell something at Ron, but something kind of told him to keep his mouth shut because whatever he said really wouldn't of had an effect on anyone.

 **Hermione: Okay. Ron, we don't really have to talk about this right now.**

 **Ron: Well what if the Death Eaters get us? What if we don't come back, y'know?**

 **Hermione: Ron, don't say that-**

 ***Ron kisses her***

Draco was literally forcing himself not to pounce on Ron now, he was fuming. Ron wasn't even paying attention at this point, he was thinking about his friendship with Hermione.

 **Ron: Whoa!**

 ***Both breathe heavily***

 ***Hermione breathes in his face***

 **Ron: Oh, that's ungodly. Take two, take two. Chew it.**

Draco leaned over and whispered, "Just one punch, please?" Hermione shook her head, and Draco slumped down in defeat.

 ***Both kiss/lick each other sloppily, and gross***

 ***Ron stands up in victory***

 **Ron: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LET'S GO KILL VOLDEMORT!**

* * *

Hey! So I just finished reading Pride and Prejudice, I think I'll write something on that sometime. The book was just... amazing! I need to get the movie version I'm hoping for the 2005 one, but Family Video didn't have it so I need to check with my library. What's a book you guys think I should read, possibly write about?


	20. Act 2 Part 6

**Act 2 Part 6**

 **Draco: Do you guys see this Zefron poster?**

 **Ron: Ya we know Malfoy, toss it.**

 **Harry: We know, Malfoy.**

Parvati gasped, "That Zefron poster... it's beautiful." The girls in the room nodded their agreement, while Harry and Ron tried recreating the pose that Zac Efron was making, and failed utterly.

 **Draco: Oh, *strokes Zefron's face***

 **Harry: That's enough, it's not that big of a deal. Can we just look for some Horcruxes please?**

"I would prefer there be more of Zac Efron." Lavender sighed dreamily.

 **Ron: Oh, is this thing that looks like a pencil a Horcrux?**

 **Harry: No it's not.**

 ***Multiple items being tried for Horcruxes***

 **Ron: UGH! This could take forever there are so many things in this room! But the only thing that could have real value, huh? That Zefron poster.**

"True that.", said Neville.

 **Harry: Wait a second, you don't think? No...Anything related to Zac Efron would ever be- no that's impossible.**

 **Voldemort: BLEHHHHHHHHHH!**

"NO!" Screamed Parvati.

 **Harry: Kill him! Kill it Ron!**

 **Voldemort: Don't kill me!**

 **Ron: *To Harry and Draco* But he's so charismatic!**

Harry turned to Ron, "Is this how you would handle one of these situations?"

Ron shrugged, but Luna nodded.

 **Voldemort: I'm not your enemy! Potter is the enemy!**

 **Ron: No, no, no Harry's my friend!**

 **Voldemort: You gotta getcha head in the game, Weasley! He'll betray you, he will take what you want the most.**

Dean laughed, "I'm enjoying these references."

 **Harry: It's a lie, Ron, don't listen to it he's lying!**

 **Voldemort: I know your thoughts, Ronald Weasley. I know what you truly desire.**

 **Hermione: Hello Ron!**

 **Ron: Oh my God, Hermione! You lost weight!**

Hermione shrugged, "It seems like the girl portraying me wants the same thing too. Remember the invisibility cloak comment?"

 **Hermione: That's right, Ron! I got in shape for Harry Potter.**

 **Ron: Wait, what?**

 **Hermione: That's right! As long as Harry's around you'll always be second best, least loved! But if Harry Potter were gone, then we could be together forever!**

"Harsh." Seamus remarked.

 **Ron: No.**

 **Harry: Ron, that's not true! It's not true Ron!**

 **Ron: Yeah, Harry's my friend!**

 **Hermione: But don't you want me, Ron?**

"Now this-", Ginny pointed towards the screen, "This just isn't fair."

 **Ron: Yes.**

 **Hermione: Don't you love me, Ron?**

 **Ron: Yes!**

 **Hermione: Then you know what you gotta do, Ron?**

 **Ron: Yes, I must kill Harry!**

Neville raised an eyebrow, "What happened to wizards before lizards?"

Ginny tapped her chin, "I have never heard that one, Neville."

 **Voldemort: That's right!**

 **Harry: No, no! It's a trick, Ron don't listen to her! Stop it, look, Hermione's one of my best friends, I would never do anything to hurt you or her!**

 **Voldemort: Lies, Weasley! All lies, it's not true!**

Harry stared at the screen, "I feel like it's foreshadowing on something."

Dumbledore shook his head, "No. No you do not."

 **Harry: It is true! You're my bestest friend, c'mon man!**

 **Voldemort: Kill!**

 **Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! *Stabs Zefron poster***

The girls all screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The boys high fived Ron, "Awesome job, mate!"

 **Harry: Do it again!**

 **Ron: AH!**

 **Draco: I'll just put some tape on this it's fine.**

"Is it?" Luna frowned.

"No it isn't, it's dead." sniffed Hermione.

 **Harry: Ron, you had me going there for a minute buddy.**

 **Ron: Oh yeah, sorry about that pal. It's just everything she was saying you know?**

 **Harry: What?**

 **Ron: Even if that's how she did feel about you and me, well it wouldn't matter... cause you're my best friend.**

The room awed. Parvati put her hands on her cheeks and smiled, "What a great bromance."

 **Harry: *bites fist, crying***

 **Ron: I would never do anything to hurt you. *bites fist, crying* Because I love you, man.**

 **Harry: I love you too, man.**

Everyone in the room began clapping, and there were some whistles going around too.

 **Ron: C'mon! *The two hug***

 ***Draco tries joining in***

 **Draco: Listen chaps, as fun as this was I thought destroying the Horcrux would be much harder.**

 **Ron: Yeah, cause when you think about it, Horcruxes are just kinda stupid.**

Lavender giggled, "You can't join their friendship, Draco."

Draco crossed his arms defiantly over his chest, "Well, what do I care?"

 ***Bellatrix and Death Eater run in with Hermione and Ginny, pulling them by their hair***

 **Ron: Whoa!**

 **Bellatrix: Wands down, boys!**

 **Draco: How did you idiots get captured, you were invisible!**

Hermione held her arms out, palms facing up, "Hey, it happens."

 **Hermione: Sorry!**

 **Bellatrix: Do it, Potter, or they die!**

 **Harry: Well, it looks like we've got our backs against the wall with no where to go. Put your swords down, and wands.**

Ron looked crestfallen, "But that sword was amazing."

Luna patted his back, "Everything will be alright."

 **Bellatrix: Look at itty bitty Potter giving orders to his itty bitty friends!**

 **Harry: I'm not a baby, I'm 12!**

Dean laughed, "Pfft you might not be a baby, but you are pretty young, to put it nicely."

 **Snape: What the devil is going on here? Whoa, dejavu, I'm sorry.**

 **Bellatrix: Victory, Snape! Oh, I love it we have Potter in the same room with his friends at last!**

 **Hermione: Oh, you are a very mean person!**

"That's the best you've got, 'Mione?" asked Ron.

Hermione shrugged, "I guess so, Ronald."

 **Ron: Yeah, Dumbledore trusted you!**

 **Harry: Yeah you're a big fat traitor, Snape!**

 **Snape: Oh a traitor am I, Potter? You're exactly right, I am a traitor because I'm about to betray someone right now, hiya! *slashes Death Eater* Bat Bogey Hex!**

Harry nodded in approval, "Did not see that coming."

 **Death Eater: No!**

 **Bellatrix: Expelliarmus!**

 **Snape: Ahhhh!**

 **Bellatrix: Ah! Septumsordia!**

Harry scratched his head, "Sectumsempra? Does she mean Sectumsempra?"

Ron whispered to Luna, "Someone better take that wand away from him before Snape is in the air and we can see his Dumbledore knickers."

 **Snape: Ah! MY wieneeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr!**

 **Harry: Snape, no!**

 **Bellatrix: Don't even think of moving unless one of you wants a snake to the wiener! Now c'mon Potter, come with me! Only the Dark Lord has the reserved right to kill you. C'mon!**

Neville shuddered,"I once took a snake to the wiener. It got infected and I almost had to have it surgically removed but it's better now... almost."

 **Mrs. Weasley: Kids!**

 **Ron: Mom?**

 **Harry: Mrs. Weasley?**

 **Bellatrix: Who the hell are you?**

Ginny and Ron both covered their ears because they knew that someone was about to start screaming, most likely Mrs. Weasley.

 **Mrs. Weasley: I'm Molly Weasley, and those are my kids! Avada Kedavra!**

 **Bellatrix: Ow! That is not fair!**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Die Bitch.**

Ron was gaping, "Did she just say that?"

Ginny's mouth was wide open when she nodded her head and said, "I believe she just did, Ron."

 **Ron: Holy shit! Mom, you killed her! I thought you were going to make her tuck in her shirt or do the dishes.**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Stupid kids! *claps* Desperate times call for desperate measures, even the unforgivable can be considered forgivable sometimes.**

Dean clapped at Seamus, "Does that really hurt?"

Seamus shrugged, "Kind of, not really."

 **Ginny: What are you doing here?**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Came her with the Order of the Phoenix, Lupin, Tongs, Mad Eye Moody, Sirius Black, and your brother Fred.**

 **Ron: Oh great, where are they?**

 **Mrs. Weasley: They're all dead.**

"Well," Ron shuffled his feet, "That escalated quickly."

 **Ginny: Fred? No!**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Anyway, came here to save your lives just go back to what you were doing. Disapperate!**

Draco looked weirded out when he said, "Blimey."

* * *

 **So I literally came across two of my new most favorite movies, both based off of Jane Austen novels, Northanger Abbey (2007), and Persuasion (2007). I highly recommend you guys watching the two movies because the lead men in both of them are British and extremely sexy but besides that the plots are very interesting and it is impossible to put down. As you all should know Halloween is coming and it is time to get spoopy, I am being the ringmaster from the music video I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At the Disco and I'm so excited! What are you all being?**


	21. Act 2 Part 7

**Act 2 Part 7**

 **Harry: Snape! Snape! Snape! Expelliarmus!**

 **Snape: Egh.**

"Well,"started Seamus, "that snake had a mouthful."

Dean nodded, "Just like Lavender does every Friday night." The students stifled laughter so as not to anger the fiery Lavender.

 **Ron: Die! Die!**

 **Hermione: No! Harry, this does not look good because that is a coral snake and a coral snake is a highly poisonous snake!**

Ron raised an eyebrow, "Is it?"

The disembodied voice sounded, frightening some of the students "No, the most venomous snake on the planet is in fact the Hydrophis Belcheri.

 **Snape: Oh, it's too late for me now. But before I go, I need to tell you there is another Horcrux.**

 **Hermione: How can that be? All 6 have been destroyed.**

 **Snape: No, no there's a seventh one.**

Hermione looked at Snape, "Is this supposed to mean something?"

Snape shrugged and gave her a sly grin, "I do not go by the future, Ms. Granger, simply the past and present."

Harry did jazz hands and said, "Scripture with Snape."

Ron shook his head, "That was bloody terrible, mate, just bloody horrible."

 **Ron: Oh I really hope it's not an Ashley Tisdale poster, I cant' do that.**

"Who's Ashley Tisdale?" asked Neville. On the screen popped a picture of a pretty blonde, holding a microphone. Dean wolf whistled and Seamus acted love struck, "I'd like to pour some salt on that slug."

Dean face palmed, "We do not speak of that reference, Seamus."

 **Harry: Doesn't say anything.**

 **Snape: Give it to Granger.**

Draco spoke for the first time in a while, but in an angry tone "Oh yeah, Granger is the smartest in the room, not the perfectly capable blonde not too far from her." Everyone but Crabbe and Goyle were taken aback by the outburst that came from the platinum blonde boy, so no one said anything.

 **Hermione: Wait, it says there's one right here but I don't understand.**

 **Ron: Yeah.**

 **Snape: Harry, the night Voldemort killed your parents he tried to destroy you but his body was destroyed instead. When that happened, a part of his soul was blasted away from the home and attached itself to you. Voldemort can never truly die until all the Horcuxes have been destroyed.**

Harry shuddered from a sudden pain in his forehead, _what was this pain he was feeling?_ Suddenly out of thin air, Voldemort appeared. Everyone screamed and crawled back, afraid that pain would be inflicted upon them. Voldemort looked as confused as they were, and a little bit angry too, "What does a soul have to do around here to just be left alone to watch Friends episodes?!"

No one answered except Dumbledore, "Silence, Mr. Riddle!" Voldemort grudgingly sat down and watched the screen.

 **Hermione: But, if Harry's a Horcrux does Harry have to be destroyed?**

 **Ron: There's gotta be another way.**

 **Snape: No, Potter I'll show you what you need to do. Watch very carefully *dies***

Dumbledore started tearing up and eventually started bawling, Snape comforted him while Voldemort called him a prat and sat in annoyance.

 **Draco: He didn't even do anything.**

 **Harry: It's cause he's dead, you dumb motherf-.**

Voldemort started laughing, "Is that supposed to be Malloy?"

Draco shrunk in his seat, hoping to disappear forever. Hermione couldn't help but laugh along with the dark lord, because it was rather humorous that Draco was portrayed as a girl.

 ***lights dim***

"Whoa," said Voldemort, "Is that me?"

Harry slowly nodded, "Ya."

Voldemort looked down and surveyed his body, "If that's me then I'm sexy, sexier than Zefron."

Ginny shook her head, "I wouldn't go that far."

 **Voldemort over school: Mehehehem. People of Hogwarts, my Death Eaters have taken the castle and you're Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is dead. Continue to resist, and you will all be killed one by one. But, there need not be war between us, you've all fought so valiantly and I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world order, as my slaves. Give up now and be forgiven, I command my Death Eaters to stand down. Now, Harry Potter, speak directly to me, if you do not wish those closest to you to continue to suffer and die then you will come face me yourself. I'll be waiting for you, in the Forbidden Forest for one hour. At the end of the hour, have you not come to face me and will not turn yourself in, the battle recommences. This time Potter, I shall enter the frame myself and I will find you, and I will murder you and every last man *Ron gasps* woman, *Hermione gasps* and child *Draco and Ginny gasp* who has tried to conceal you from me. Voldemort out, bitches.**

Voldemort smirked, "I like that word. Bow down, b*tches. Yes, I think I will use that more often."

 **Hermione: Alright guys, don't worry. We still have an hour, okay we just have to come up with a plan.**

 **Harry: There's no plan, Hermione. I know what I have to do, I have to die.**

 **Ginny: No, no, no, no, no no! There's gotta be another way!**

Luna covered her ears, "Goodness, that was shrill!"

Ron nodded in agreement, wincing.

 **Hermione: Well, uh maybe there's something in this book! You know, we could find some sort of enchantment that will nullify-**

 **Harry: Forget about it, there's only one thing to do. I have to die, I love you all... except you Draco, I can't fucking stand you. Good bye.**

Voldemort nodded, looking impressed "I like this version of Potter, as for the real one I don't really care for his hero character and status."

Draco scowled and mumbled, "Whatever."

 **Ginny: Harry!**

 **Ron: Harry!**

 **Death Eater: He's not coming, my lord.**

 **Voldemort: It seems that way. Well, Death Eaters it looks like we're going back to seize the castle, this is what Potter has chosen. Funny, I- I expected him to come, seems I was mistaken.**

Snape was confused, "He looks genuinely disappointed, why?"

Dumbledore shrugged, "Probably misses his squirrely quirrely."

Voldemort looked up at the two in horror, "How did you know about that?!" The students' mouths were gaping and no one said anything.

 **Harry: It worked.**

 **Voldemort: Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived! Crucio!**

 **Harry: Ahhhoww!**

"Do they have working wands?" asked Ginny.

Hermione shook her head, "No, I believe they are using drum sticks, or something of the sort."

 **Voldemort: Crucio!**

 **Harry: OWWWAHA!**

 **Voldemort: You're not even going to fight back. You're weak, weak just like your parents. Hehehehe. They did not deserve to live in this world, in my world! Prepare to join them, prepare to die. Avada Kedavra!**

Seamus grimaced, "You talk too much before you kill somebody, oh wait a minute...is Harry dead?" Dean was staring intently at the screen, trying to figure that answer out for himself.

 **Harry: Ugh.**

 ***Death Eaters cheer***

 **Death Eater: Voldy! Voldy!**

"I like that- Voldy." said Snape.

Dumbledore nodded, "Nicknames are such fun!"

 **Death Eater 2: You've done it my lord, no one shall ever question your powers again!**

 **Voldemort: Yes.**

 **Death Eater: Does this please you, my lord?**

 **Voldemort: ...Yeah. Ya, it's great, it's great. I just thought it'd make me feel less empty inside. Well, Death Eaters we go back to Hogwarts to tell them what has become of there- hehe hero.**

Luna frowned, "I am genuinely upset at his loss of Quirrel."

Ron responded with,"Eh, he's the reason Quirrel is gone."

* * *

 **Another week, another chapter. Hope you enjoy it! Now if I could only get my dog to stop snoring...**


	22. Act 2 Part 8

**Act 2 Part 8**

 **Dumbledore: Hey, Harry.**

 **Harry: Dumbledore, where am I? I thought I was dead, I got shot by Voldemort.**

Seamus raised an eyebrow, "Shot?"

Hermione shrugged, "It didn't happen, so it doesn't matter."

 **Dumbledore: Let's say you're somewhere between our world and theirs.**

 **Harry: What, did I survive?**

 **Dumbledore: It ain't the first time, Potter. Take a seat. Harry, have you ever heard of a- sit down- have you heard of a love shield?**

Dean whispered something in Seamus' ear and the two snickered.

Snape rolled his eyes, "Would one of you like to share what is so hilarious?"

Dean's face turned red, but Seamus stood up and said, "A love shield sounds like a condom, or a cock block. I'm sure Ron knows exactly what that is, right Ronnykins?"

 **Harry: Uh, no but it sounds kind of fruity.**

 **Dumbledore: A love shield is anything but fruity. It's when somebody loves you so much that if they were ever willing to give their life for you, that love literally becomes a shield which surrounds your body to protect you from any form of dark magic.**

 **Harry: So, is that what's happened to me? A love shield?**

 **Dumbledore: Harry, it's time to learn all the things you should've known seven years ago which really would've helped you all the way. I loved you, protected you the first time- um Voldemort accidentally turned you into the seventh Horcrux, and when Voldemort tried killing you this time he was actually unknowingly killing a piece of himself inside of you- uh and I've known the whole time.**

Neville looked over at Voldemort, "Did he just reveal literally everything?"

Voldemort harrumphed and said, "Dumbledore sure does make a lot of mistakes, just like how your parents made one huge mistake sitting before me."

 **Harry: You knew this whole time? You're the best!**

 **Dumbledore: Hey, they don't call me the greatest wizard who ever lived for nothing. Harry, it's time for you to get your cute little butt back there and fight him as a mortal man, except this time he'll be a mortal man too.**

Harry turned to Dumbledore, "Er- thanks, Dumbledore."

Dumbledore shook his head, "Harry, my boy, keep in mind that I did not say that- or anything in this musical for that matter."

 **Harry: Dumbledore, I get what you're saying I know what I have to do. But before I go- so you're clairvoyant now you can see the past, present, future all at the same time?**

 **Dumbledore: Oh yeah.**

 **Harry: Can you tell me how _Lost_ ends?**

Parvati cocked her head, "Like, the song Lost?"

Lavender sneered, "Ew no! That song is horrible!"

Parvati sneered, "How would you know?"

Voldemort leaned back in his chair and laughed, he would occasionally chant, "Fight! Fight! Fight!", shutting the two girls up.

 **Dumbledore: Harry, there are some questions that even I can't answer.**

 **Harry: Thanks, man.**

 **Dumbledore: Hey, no problem. Get outta here, third door on your left.**

 **Rumbleroar: Are you ready to go, Dumbledore?**

Cho Chang sat up and looked around, "He sounds familiar."

Harry rolled his eyes, "It's that deep voice you seem to adore so much."

Cho blushed a deep shade of crimson, "Oh."

 **Dumbledore: Sure am, Rumbleroar!**

 **Rumbleroar: And you're sure you don't want to let Harry Potter know that you're really still alive?**

 **Dumbledore: Eh, no. He'll probably just have to close his guard and think that for thousands of years, it'd be a shame to let the cat out of the bag.**

Harry hugged himself, "Sure am feeling the love right now."

Dumbledore smiled gently, "That's a good thing, Harry, a very good thing."

 **Rumbleroar: I suppose you're right, do you have your space suit Dumbledore?**

 **Dumbledore: Oh, thank you for reminding me! Ready to go Rumby?**

Hermione nudged Draco, "Hey, I bet you'd look pretty good in a space suit."

Draco pshawed, "It seems you've forgotten I look good in everything."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Yeah, because so many students can attest to that."

 **Rumbleroar: I sure am, to Pigfarts! RUMBLEROAR!**

 **Voldemort: Ahehem! People of Hogwarts, it's me. Harry Potter is dead, he was killed while running away, trying to save himself while you laid down your lives for him. The battle is won, my Death Eaters have outnumbered you. Continue to resist, and be slaughtered! Come out of the castle, kneel before me, and you may be spared.**

Hermione looked towards Voldemort, "You sure do suck at bargains, Voldy."

Voldemort raised an eyebrow, "I hope you keep that in mind next year."

Hermione's brow knit together in confusion.

 **Ron: Okay um, alright you guys barricade the door with that bench, do it. Um, Cho you see if Neville's dead. Um, you guys go get snacks! Oh shit, we barricaded the door. Well there's only one thing we need to do, we're gonna fight.**

 **Draco: Ugh, come on I'm tired! Can't we just be Death Eaters?**

Parvati nodded her head, "Sounds just like Draco, they really got his character pat down."

 **Ron: No, no we can't just be Death Eaters. Okay?**

 ***Draco lifting butt up high***

Dean cracked up, "Nice butt, Draco!"

Draco sneered, "You're just jealous."

 **We're gonna fight, okay?**

 **And we are gonna fight so hard, and we are gonna win.**

 ***Sonnnggg Timeee!***

 **He thinks that we're finished, he thinks that we're done, he thinks that it's over, his battle is won ha! He thinks that we're finished, but we aren't through, stop and think my friends, what would Harry do for you?**

 **Hermione: Harry never gave up the fight, Harry stood up for what is right, well now it's our turn!**

Seamus rolled his eyes, "It's always you're turn."

 **Both: Our turn! Make a joyful sound, Voldemort is going down!**

 **Hermione, Ron and Ginny: We must unite, so we can fight, turn the battle around! Time's running out, it's time to shout, Voldemort is going down!**

 **Hermione: Can't you feel a fire burning? Now it's time to be a man, a great big, muscley, super big, super hot man!**

Draco raised an eyebrow, "Nice description, Hermione."

 **Ron: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!**

Neville laughed, "Hit that high note, Ron!"

 **Both: We won't be pushed around anymore, we'll be a force you cannot ignore, we'll be an army for Dumbledore! For Dumbledore! We must unite so we can fight, turn the battle around! Time's running out, it's time to shout, Voldemort is going down!** **We must unite so we can FIGHT, turn the battle around! Time's running out, it's time to shout-**

 **Harry & and Ron: We must unite, so we can fight!**

 **Everyone: Voldemort is going down!**

* * *

 **Hey guys, rough weekend, eh? All of my respects for the victims off the massacre, and please keep Paris in mind and continue to pray for them because this event isn't something to be taken lightly. So I hope you enjoyed this chapter, see you next week.**


	23. Act 2 Part 9

**Act 2 Part 9**

 **Everyone: AHHHHHH!**

 **Voldemort: * towards the now broken door* Avada Kedavra! WHAT?! POTTER! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KILL YOU, BOY?!**

 **Harry: Clearly more than once.**

Draco coughed "Smart ass, hmm what?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and continued the whispering conversation she was having with Ginny.

 **Voldemort: Grrr.**

 **Harry: It's all over Voldemort, cause you can't kill me this time. Nobody help me, I gotta do this by myself.**

Lavender put her hands on her hips, "And who said we were going to help you?"

Ron stood up, "I did." followed by Hermione, "I did." and then Ginny "I did."

More people began to stand up but Lavender just waved her hand, "Alright I get it."

Snape grinned, "This feels like I'm on the set of some cheesy movie."

 **Voldemort: He doesn't mean that! It's not how he operates, is it boy? Who you gonna use as a human shield this time, Potter?**

 ***Ron starts walking towards Harry***

 **Hermione: Ron!**

 **Ron: Oh. *walks back***

Luna patted Ron's arm, "Perhaps another time, Ron?" Ron shrugged, "I don't know, probably."

Voldemort shook his head, "Weasley, you are literally Potter's puppy dog! You sure you don't satisfy him when he needs it?"

Ron simply just rolled his eyes.

 **Harry: Nobody! 'Cause this time it's just you and me, 'cause all the Horcruxes are gone I destroyed 'em all.**

 **Voldemort: What?! EVEN MY ZEFRON POSTER?!**

 **Harry: Especially the Zefron poster!**

 **Voldemort: OH CURSE YOU POTTER, YOU'LL DIE FOR THAT!**

The girls, Snape, and Dumbledore began cheering for Voldemort all because of the Zefron poster. Seamus asked Cho why and she responded with, "Ain't nobody destroying our baby in fetus form!"

Dean scratched his head, "Fetus form?"

Parvati face palmed, "It means he was younger and now looks way different."

 **Harry: No I won't, I won't. Because you can't kill me and you can't kill any of these people.**

 **Voldemort: What the *bleep* are you on about?!**

Ron laughed, "Ginny, if mum were here we'd be slapped into next week because I'm about 99.9% sure we should not be watching it." At realizing this, Ginny had fear in her eyes but no one seemed to notice.

 **Harry: You don't learn from your mistakes do you, Voldemort? I was prepared to die to save these people.**

 **Voldemort: But you didn't.**

 **Harry: Yes, but I meant to and that's what did it. I've done what my mother did for me for these people, I've given them magical sanctuary so you can't hurt me or these people EVER AGAIN!**

Neville cupped his hands around his mouth a screamed, "Just fight already!"

Because of this outburst, everyone in the room began chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

 **Voldemort: So what?! Who cares about these children, it's you I want dead Potter. Who's to stop you from dying when I strike?**

 **Harry: Just one thing; think about all the people you've hurt from the war, and the lives you destroyed, all the people you've killed, okay? Maybe try a slice of remorse pie!**

 **Voldemort: What?**

 **Harry: There's gotta be one person, one thing in your life that you miss.**

Cho made a kissy face at Parvati, "Maybe there is this one person..." Parvati squealed. "Would that be your beloved Quirrel?"

Cho stood up tall, "Why yes, yes it would be I believe I am in love with him!"

The two fell in a fit of giggles as Voldemort bent his head down in embarrassment.

 ***piano starts***

 **And you regret!**

 **Voldemort: Well, maybe there's one thing.. NO! There isn't!, the jokes on you Potter I don't care about anybody!**

 **Harry: I know, and that's what makes you such a piece of shit. Now see, here at Hogwarts we all stick together, we love one another, we're friends. My love's all I need to protect these guys, and their love is all I need to protect me from you.**

Draco raised an eyebrow towards Harry, "The only students that stick together would be the friends in each House, Slytherin hates Gryffindor, Gryffindor hates Slytherin and those are the only important houses."

Luna remained faced towards the screen as she flicked her wand towards Draco and sent him up out of his chair, and back against the wall.

Snape rolled his eyes, "10 points from Gryffindor." The Gryffindor's yelled in protest but Snape had already made his decision clear and they gave up.

 **Voldemort: Hahahahaha let's put that theory to the test, Potter. Avada Kedavra!**

 **Harry: Expelliarmus!**

 **Voldemort: HUHHHHHHH! *"dies"***

"Well," started Voldemort, "That escalated quickly."

 **Cho: Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it ya'll!**

 ***Everyone cheers while Ron dances with Voldemort's wand and Harry and Ginny kiss***

 **Ron: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, listen hey! I just wanna let you guys know- um- that I'm totally cool with it, go on ahead.**

 **Harry: Awww!**

 **Ron: Hermione, c'mon make out with me *licks her forehead***

Luna shook her head and placed it in her hands, "Ron, what was that?"

Draco grabbed Hermione's head, "Whatever it was, he isn't doing it again!"

 **Hermione: Guys, well I guess that ties up all the loose ends!**

 **Harry: Yeah, everything's cool!**

 **Hermione: Oh, except for the House Cup tournament!**

Seamus looked taken aback, "I forgot about that!"

Neville tapped his forehead, "I didn't, I had it right up here!"

 **Neville: Kids, look I found Dumbledore's will!**

 **Harry: Will?**

 **Neville: It says, "In the event of my death, Gryffindor wins the House Cup!"**

Draco scowled, "Doesn't Gryffindor always win?"

Hermione looked at him and grinned "Yes, yes we do."

 **Gryffindor: WOOH!**

 **Neville: It also says that "Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter."**

 **Harry: Nice.**

Lavender looked surprised, "Wait, seriously?"

Dumbledore nodded, "Well one-third of it, another third goes to Faux, and the rest goes to my beloved Severus." Snape smiled sweetly at Dumbledore and the couple shared a kiss.

 **Neville: "My chocolate factory goes to Charlie, and Toontown goes to the toons!"**

 **Everyone: WOOH!**

 **Harry: Hey guys, will I guess all the professors are dead so butter beers on me!**

Dean raised an eyebrow, "The mourning is real, though."

Parvati nodded slowly, "Tell me about it."

 **Everyone: YA!**

 ***stage dims***

 **Dementor: You're free to go.**

 **Quirrel: Thank you.**

 **Dementor: You know, while I was devouring every single one of your happy thoughts, they all seemed to be about a certain friend of yours. Care to talk?**

Cho grinned maniacally, "Yes Quirrel, tell the kind dementor all about your closet lover who betrayed you and let you go to Azkaban to just rot." Voldemort tried taking his wand out of his pocket, only to find that it was glued there to keep him from getting into trouble.

 **Quirrel: No, no that's behind me now.**

 **Dementor: Mm, sorry. Well, did you hear the news? Voldemort is dead! Ya, good luck getting off this impenetrable island!**

 **Quirrel: *Throws down belongings* DEAD?! *Pretends to skip stone and falls to the ground***

The room awed and there were few dry eyes left, they had no idea what was so sad and devastating about this scene but it left a mark in their heart about the desperation of Quirrelmort.

 **Voldemort: Hey, you.**

 **Quirrel: Voldemort, is it- is it really you?**

 **Voldemort: What's left of me.**

"This is getting so sad!" Parvati fanned at her face.

Seamus looked at her strangely, for he didn't know what was so upsetting and asked "Is it that time of the month?"

Once those words came out Seamus knew, he messed up. Parvati and other girls began ranting at him and put him into a body bind that was surprisingly painful due to the amount of casters of the enchantment.

 **Quirrel: But I just heard you were-**

 **Voldemort** **: Destroyed, ya. But this part of me, is still here. And I can't go onto the next plane without it, because it's right in *runs to Quirrel and points at his heart* here.**

 **Quirrel: In my heart?**

The three Slytherins snickered, "That run though!" yelled Draco.

Voldemort growled at them like a dog, "Back off, platinum!"

 ***Voldemort nods***

 **Quirrel: So you came back?!**

 **Voldemort: I came home.**

"Aw!" went all of the female witches in the room. Even Neville was getting into it, everyone was able to tell because he was biting his nails and whispering to himself every once in a while "This is so intense!"

 **Quirrel: And you don't want to kill Harry Potter anymore?**

 **Voldemort: No. No, because I learned something when I had my body back, Quirrel. I learned that life is really messy, and complicated and it doesn't turn out the way you think it will. You think killing people might make them like you, but it doesn't, it just makes people dead. I got killed by a two year old, and it's really embarrassing and everyone asks "When are you going to come back, Voldemort? When are you going to take over the world?" It's on me, it's all on me!  
**

 **Quirrel: Is okay good?**

Lavender was hopping up and down, "Just kiss already!"

 **Voldemort: Quirrel! Okay is wonderful!**

 ***The piano starts and the two begin slow running towards each other and end up on each others backs***

Everyone in the room screamed out of excitement and began high-fiving each other, while some started handing money to others that they had made bets with.

 **Cast: 'Cause baby you're not alone, cause you're here with me and nothings ever gonna take us down, cause nothing can keep me from loving you and you know it's true! It don't matter what it'll come to be our love is all we need to make it through. *Bows***

 ***Roll Credits***

Everyone began clapping and whistling, but once it was over they all sat down and looked at each other confusedly. Harry spoke up, "What now? Is it over?" Some people agreed with hi questioning.

The disembodied voice sounded and said, "That's it for now, you may come back for another showing but it might not be tomorrow. Have a good night, everyone." With that, everyone appeared back in their common rooms and began getting ready for bed.

To be Continued...

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

 **Well guys, there is the Golden Trio React to AVPM, do you want me to do the rest of the series? I think I'm going to put up a poll to see who wants me to continue the series and who wants me to start on my new series and come back to finish out the AVPM series, that's a whole lot to take in. If you were wondering the new series I was interested in was another reaction series but it would be to the Potter Puppet Pals and I don't know if you would want me to take a break on this or not but I'll put the poll up and see what happens. To get to the poll, you have to click on my account and it should be on the top and all you have to do is click what you want and submit it. Thank you so much to everyone who Favorited and followed the story, your support is greatly appreciated and I hope you continue to support my other series. Have a good day or night everyone!**


	24. Hogwarts (And Voldemort) React To AVPS

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the magical world belongs to the brilliant author J.K Rowling, nor do I own A Very Potter Sequel which belongs to the amazing theatrical group called Starkid. If you have not seen the musical, I advise you to watch it before you read this fiction. Thank you.

 **The Golden Trio React to AVPS Act 1 Part 1**

It was a clear night and the students and teachers were all in their Common rooms or bedrooms playing games, doing homework, or simply reading a book. All was quiet until in a split second many of the teachers and students of Hogwarts disappeared and were no where to be found. The missing witches and wizards had all been summoned into a rather boring room with only a screen in it. Suddenly, a disembodied voice sounded "Hello and welcome to the screen room. I'm sure you are all familiar with it, yes? Now here is the sequel to A Very Potter Musical called A Very Potter Sequel. Enjoy." With that, the students took their seats and prepared themselves for the next musical.

 **Lucius: You're late.**

Draco's eyes widened and the room around him started giggling, _"Was that the representation of his father?",_ he thought to himself, he sure hoped not.

 **Yaxley: Late? What's it matter? Look at this morning's prophet! "The Boy who Lived Does it Again! The Dark Lord dead for good!" I knew it! We backed the wrong side, again!**

 **Lucius: Calm yourself, Yaxley.**

Neville had his head cocked to the side, "What exactly is going on here?"

Ginny shrugged, "I don't know, but I like it. It's just like the afternoon soap operas Harry showed me."

Hermione looked grossed out, "Harry, you showed her that?"

Harry's eye twinkled, "Tiffany stole Sarah's man, I had to share it with someone."

 **Yaxley: All us Death Eaters are going to Azkaban now. NOOOO, NO, NO, NOOOO!**

 ***Lucius gallops over***

Goyle punched Draco in the arm, "I didn't know your dad was a dancer, Draco."

Draco shrunk in his seat, "Neither did I, now shut your fat mouth up." Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

 **Lucius: Do you have what I sent you for or not?**

 **Yaxley: Yeah, I got it. I had to break into the ministry for it, but I got it.**

 **Lucius: Excellent.**

 **Yaxley: You should see the Ministry, the Dead Lord not more than a day, and they already got the Wizard Cops out after us.**

 **Lucius: Damn those wizard cops! Well, none of that matters anymore as long as we have this.**

Ron cocked an eyebrow, "Wizard cops?"

Luna patted his shoulder, "Cops are who keep the law in the muggle world, although here in the wizarding world it is the Magical Law Enforcement Department."

This sent Ron swooning, "You're so smart." Luna smiled and thanked him while Hermione just rolled her eyes, but on the inside felt happy for him.

 **Yaxley: Who do you think you are? We don't stand a chance against those wizard cops, not even you, Lucius Malfoy!**

 **Song Time ;)**

 **Lucius: *poses arms up* Don't ever tell me what I can't do! *kicks* I'd watch my tongue if I were you, for all we know You-Know-Who could be watching us.**

 **Yaxley: He can't be, he's dead!**

Harry rubbed his chin, "This is getting intense."

Dumbledore nodded his agreement, "You see, they're in denial that Voldemort is gone. Speaking of the Dark Lord, where is he?"

Snape shrugged, "I don't know, honey-bun but I'm sure he'll arrive sometime."

 **Lucius: *twirls* That never stopped our plan before, *throws arms up in salsa pose* you've no idea what I have in store! Do you really think you'd be at my door if we had nothing to discuss, he may be gone but that is just as well. So come inside, don't you fret. For it's not over yet!**

 **Death Eaters: Evil plans, we are making evil plans. Evil deeds, with evil hands! We are making evil plans!**

Voldemort suddenly popped into the room, "Oh come one! I was having a nice time with Quirrel- er I mean I was plotting against Harry and I just had to be brought here!"

The disembodied voice sounded, "Thank you, Dumbledore,for reminding me."

Dumbledore winked, "You're very welcome, erm- what should I call you?" The voice sounded a little softer this time, "Candace, call me Candace." Dumbledore grinned, "Okay, Candace."

 **Death Eater 1: Lucius Malfoy, why have you called us here? WAH!**

 **Death Eater 2: What do we do, Lucius?**

Cho looked confused, "Didn't we clear up this problem in the last musical?" Lavender shook her head, "I don't think so,but I'm not so sure."

 **Snape: There's nothing to do, the Dark Lord is dead, Harry Potter wins, end of story!**

 **Lucius: Yes, I know, I know. He marries Ginny.**

Ginny blushed, "Really?"

Harry nodded, "Of course."

Ginny squealed, "Does this mean anything then?"

Harry looked nervous, "Not yet, I'm only 16 and you're only 15 so we're still a bit young." Ginny looked down-hearted by this but still nodded, "Okay."

 **Death Eaters: Hra.**

 **Lucius: They live happily ever after.**

 **Death Eaters: Hra.**

 **Lucius: There's literally no way to move forward from this point.**

Hermione had her finger pushing her temple in annoyance, "Well, I mean you could just move on with your life and stop bothering Harry."

Draco disagreed, "No, he's worked too hard to get where he is now. They have to carry out what they've devoted their life to."

Hermione looked at Draco like he was from another planet, "Not really."

Voldemort put his hand up, "Will you two shut up and stop bickering, I'm trying to watch this."

This only fired Hermione up, "Yeah, because it's all about you, you selfish conceited prat!" Luna got up and calmed Hermione down, to keep from a huge fight from starting.

 **Yaxley: Then why are we all here?**

 **Lucius: I was just getting to that. Harry Potter! We're in this sorry state because of him. And to think of all the chances we had to destroy him! Why, if we had destroyed him at his first year at Hogwarts, we'd be ruling the world right now!**

Ron didn't look convinced, "Honestly, I doubt they would be ruling the world. Harry would have defeated them sometime or another. Right, mate?"

Harry nodded, "Probably."

Voldemort sneered, "You are both idiots, you don't know your tiny little bums from a hole in the ground! You will never defeat me!"

 **Death Eater 1: Yes, Lucius no on is arguing that. WAH!**

 **Death Eater 2: But what does it matter, we can't change the past!**

 **Lucius: Oh? I know it seems impossible, we've been thrown off our track. But if we can't move forward, why shouldn't we move back? Friends and companions of evil, and sin, think not of loss but a new way to win! For what is present without a beginning, to start all.**

"Oi, Draco! How long did it take your petunia of a father to come up with this plan?", shouted Seamus.

Draco was about to pull his wand out of his pocket but Seamus was too quick, "Expelliarmus!" And with that, the wand began flying towards Seamus, but was collected by Snape. "10 points from Gryffindor!"

The Gryffindors groaned,"Nice going, Seamus" Seamus turned red and took his seat again.

 **Yaxley: Go on!**

 **Lucius: There is a boy that everyone knows. The plan is simple, I propose that we choke the weird before it grows up and ends it all. Do you follow me?**

 **Death Eater 1: No.**

Parvati giggled, "And that is why the Dark Lord still hasn't, and will never be able to defeat Harry Potter. Because his little minions are too much of imbeciles to figure anything out!"

Neville nodded, "That is very true, Parvati."

 **Lucius: The Dark Lord would have survived had they never met.**

 **Death Eater 1: Wait, wait, wait so you're saying he wouldn't be destroyed?**

 **Lucius: He'd be alive what don't you get?**

 **Snape: I'm still not understanding.**

Dumbledore laughed, "Was that your character, Snape?"

Snape grew embarrassed, "I believe it was, Dumby."

 **Lucius: With Potter gone, the future will be set.**

 **Death Eaters: Ahhh!**

 **Lucius: So it's not over yet!**

Luna sighed, "At least they all started understanding finally."

Ginny nodded, "I thought they would never get it."

"Will you guys stop making fun of my Death Eaters?! Besides Quirrel, they're all I really have.", yelled Voldemort.

 **Death Eaters: Evil plans, what a brilliant evil plan! Malfoy, you're an evil man! *stroke Lucius* We are making evil plans!**

 **Lucius: So it is decided, we shall use this Time Turner to go back in time to Harry Potter's first year at Hogwarts! We'll destroy him before he ever gets a chance to destroy us! My friends, I think we're going back! Who's with me?**

 **Death Eaters: YAAA!**

 **All: Our history is nothing more than what the losers settle for!**

Dean put out his lower lip in a pout, "That kind of hurts in a way, because I see it as that the bad things I didn't like and dealt with makes me a loser for not wanting something different. So sorry, Seamus, but I'm not settling for your friendship- just kidding, just kidding, it was a joke."

Seamus raised his eyebrows, "It better have been."

 **Lucius: So look alive, and don't forget that it's not over!**

 **All: It's not over! No, it's not over yet!**

 **Lucius: Ahahahaha!**

 ***Starkid and A Very Potter Sequel pops on screen***

 **Conductor: Platform 9, Platform 10, nothing in between.**

Ginny laughed, "There's a new conductor every year because of us!"

 **Harry: Can someone tell me how to get to platform 9 3/4?**

Hermione giggled, "Nice headband, Harry."

 **0o00o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

 **Hey! I decided that keeping a separate second story might be a hassle for some of you guys so I have decided that the whole series will all be in this story. So this is the beginning of the second story in the Golden Trio React to AVPM trilogy and I really hope you liked it! Be sure to follow the story and keep up with it. Hope to see you guys next week!**


	25. AVPS Act 1 Part 2

**Act 1 Part 2**

 **Harry: Excuse me, sir! Can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 3/4?**

 **Conductor: Platform 9 3/4? There ain't no such thing. You're the 700th kid to ask me that today, I still refuse to believe that it exists.**

Ginny looked annoyed, "That's really daft of him to think like that, no wonder Muggles are described as clueless."

Hermione crossed her arms, "Ginny, it seems to me that you forgot their are some Muggle-Borns in here.. including me."

Ginny gasped, "Oh, I'm sorry, Hermione! I really am!"

 **Harry: But sir, you gotta help me I just ran away from home from my mean aunt and uncle that keep me under some stairs. Listen, you gotta believe me, I got this letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and- sir! Listen, please! A bird gave it to me! Yeah right, Hogwarts.**

 **Mrs. Weasley: OH! HURRY KIDS, WE'RE GONNA MISS THE TRAIN! C'MON WEASLEY'S, BILL!**

 **Bill: Yo yo, ma.**

Ron crinkled his brow, "Bill doesn't talk like that he's more like, 'Be safe, don't do anything stupid.' "

Lavender guffawed, "Obviously you don't listen to your older brother."

Ron turned red, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She flipped her hair over her shoulder, "I didn't stutter, did I?"

 **Mrs. Weasley: CHARLIE!**

 **Charlie: Sup, mommy.**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Percy?**

 **Percy: Hello, mother.**

Ginny laughed, "Now that's spot on!" Harry laughed nervously, afraid to chime in but he did anyway "Damn straight."

Snape grinned, "10 points from Gryffindor, for use of inappropriate language!"

Seamus and Dean groaned, "Nice going, Harry."

 **Mrs. Weasley: FRED AND GEORGE!**

 **Fred: But I'm George.**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Nice try, you got an F on your shirt, dumb ass.**

Ginny sighed, "I miss Fred and George."

Draco laughed scornfully, "Ha! I don't miss Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum one bit!" Hermione smacked Draco's thighs, "They prefer Gred and Forge!"

Lavender rolled her eyes, "I'd say Thing 1 and Thing 2."

 **Mr. Weasley: Oh boy real Muggles! Everybody say, "Chocolate frogs"! I think I got it! Boy, this is silly!**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Oh Arthur, quit fiddling with that Muggle picture maker! *mutters* George, Fred, Percy, Charlie, Bill... Where's Ron with your sister?**

 **Ron: Did somebody say Ron?**

Dean was tapping his chin, "Where have I heard that noise before?"

Seamus asked, "What noise?"

Dean looked impatient, "The noise that sounded when Ron walked in!"

Hermione looked at the two, "I wanna say Seinfeld, but I'm not sure if it is or not." Seamus scratched his head, "What's Seinfeld?"

Dean shook his head, "Let's not even get into that."

 **Mrs. Weasley: Honey, hurry! You're gonna miss your train!**

 **Ron: Well I'm trying to go faster, but I got this idiot little sister.**

Ginny hit Ron, "You take that back!"

Ron put his hand up as a sign of surrender, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Dumbledore put his head in his hands, "When will you kids get it through your heads that this is just a musical, nothing any of you have actually said.. or so I think you've never said."

 **Mrs. Weasley: Ronnie, apologize to your idiot sister!**

 **Ron: NO!**

Ginny turned red and looked down, whilst Harry patted her back "It's okay, Ginny. You're mom doesn't actually think that."

 **Mrs. Weasley: Oh, you're gonna get it! *Claps***

 **Bill: *Claps***

 **Charlie: *Claps***

 **Percy: *Claps***

 **Fred and George: *Claps***

 **Ron: *Claps***

 **Ginny: OWWW!**

Luna raised her eyebrow at Ron, "Really? That was meant for you."

Ron shrugged, "She was on the end of it, it was all her fault."

 **Mr. Weasley: Alright gang, alright it's picture time! This is Ronnie's first day at Hogwarts, so here we go.**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Oh he's so cute!**

 **Mr. Weasley: Now, smile and- I got it! This'll be a good one!**

Draco muttered to himself, "Sometimes ginger's are such air heads."

Finally, Ginny stood up, still not saying anything, but she waved her wand and Draco was tied up with ropes, she sat back down looking pleased.

 **Harry: Excuse me, sir.**

 **Mr. Weasley: Yes, my dear boy.**

 **Harry: I couldn't help but overhear you say something about Hogwarts. Can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 3/4?**

 **Mr. Weasley: Platform 9 3/4? Why, it's right through that brick wall!**

"We really do sound crazy, don't we?" sighed Dumbledore.

Voldemort shook his head "You simply are crazy," He grinned devilishly, "Dumby."

Snape bolted upright in his chair, "Only I can say that!" Dumbledore put his hand on Snape's thigh, "There, there my sweet Snape, I only have room in my heart for you." Snape calmed down, but not without growling at Voldemort first.

 **Harry: What?**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Oh, I think he doesn't know. Must of been raised by Muggles.**

 **Harry: What's a Muggle?**

 **Mr. Weasley: What's a Muggle?! Why, it's the wizard who doesn't- I mean, it's a wizard who can't- he doesn't know what a Moogle is.**

Draco sneered, "Moogle sounds just right for them, not Muggle."

Hermione stared at him right in the eye, "Say that to my face, Malfoy."

Draco looked flabbergasted, "Malfoy?! I thought it was Draco now that we're dating!"

Hermione crossed her arms over her chest, "I don't know how much longer that will last."

 **Mrs. Weasley: A Muggle is a non-magical person. I'll tell you what, you stick with Ronnie over there it's his first year at Hogwarts too. ALRIGHT WEASLEY'S, IN YOU GO!**

 **Mr. Weasley: Okay, follow me. Here we go.**

 **Mrs. Weasley: Ginny dear, you come with me. Ginny, leave the boys alone. Ginny, leave the boys alone you can go to Hogwarts next year!**

Harry laughed, "What a doll!"

Ginny turned red from embarrassment, and Draco took the opportunity to point it out "Oi, Potter! Compliment her any more her face will turn as red as her hair!"

Hermione was really angry now, she stood up and summoned a flock of birds to go after Draco. While the birds were clawing at the platinum blonde, she yelled "It's over!"

 **Ginny: WAAAA!**

 **Ron: *marveling at his hand* Yes, at last. FREEDOM! God, I hate my stupid little sister! UGH, she is just such a ugh! Such a-**

Parvati was twiddling with her thumbs when she said, "My sister reacted the same way the year at Hogwarts she had without me."

Ginny nodded, "Well, I guess same here."

 **Harry: Butterface?**

 **Ron: Hehehehe, you know what kid? You're all right! I'm Ron Weasley, hey! Do you want a delicious red vine?**

 **Harry: Absolutely!**

Lavender looked confused, "Are those like, knock-off Twizzlers?"

Harry looked offended and put his hand on my chest, "No, they're so much more than that!"

Ron patted his back, "You've never been more right."

 **Ron: Well hey, here you go good buddy.**

 **Harry: They are like my favorite snack in the whole world!**

 **Ron: Oh my God, me too.**

Hermione had since moved next to Ron and Luna and so she was also near Harry, "You know, just because you like the same things doesn't mean you're like soul mates or anything."

Harry winked at her, "No, but it could mean your'e best friends."

 ***copy each others moves***

 **Ron: Alright, favorite Aimee Mann song on 3.. 1, 2, 3.**

 **Both: Red Vines.**

"Aimee Mann?" asked Seamus.

Dean stood up and belted out, "They're all still on their Honeymoon just read the dialogue balloon. Everyone loves you, why should they not? And I'm the only one who knows that Disneyland's about to close. I don't suppose you'd give it a shot knowing all that you've got are cigarettes and Red Vines close your eyes, 'cause, baby you never do know. And I'll be on the sidelines, with my hands tied, watching the show."

Seamus applauded him, "That was beautiful."

 **Harry: Favorite color of vines other than green.**

 **Both: Red Vines.  
**

 **Ron: Favorite way to say red wines in a German accent.**

 **Both: Red Vines. OH MY GOD!**

Lavender smirked, "You know, I am from a German descent." Ginny laughed, "Yeah, if you're German then I'm Irish! Just because you're blonde doesn't make you German."

Lavender sat down sulkily, "Whatever."

 **Ron: Where have you been all my life?!**

 **Harry: Oh, in a cupboard under some stairs.**

Neville whistled, "That went 0-100 real quick!"

 **Ron: That's so cool. Alright, well come on friend, let's go to Hogwarts. Just gotta go through that brick wall.**

 **Harry: Sounds kind of scary.**

 **Ron: Hey, it's okay we can do it together. Wanna hold hands?**

Ginny giggled, "I don't know, 'Mione, they might just be soul mates."

Hermione shrugged, "Could be."

 **Harry: I'd love that.**

 **Ron: On the count of three, one, two-**

 **Both: Three! AHHHH!**

 **Ron: That was a big brick wall!**

Seamus decided it was the right time to make an inappropriate joke, "Not as big as my brick wall!"

Parvati squealed, "Seamus!" Voldemort took chance before Snape and said, "20 points from Gryffindor, by order of Severus Snape!"

Seamus shrugged, "It was worth it."

 **Percy: All aboard gang, Hogwarts Express!**

 **Ron: Alright, let's go get a seat, pal.**

 **Harry: You got it.**

Draco was still in a little shock from a while earlier but got up to say, "You two idiots don't even know each other's name yet!"

 **Ron: Hey pal, that's a pretty cool headband you got there.**

 **Harry: Oh thanks, I wear it to cover this gross scar I got when I was a baby. I was in the car with my parents when we crashed, into a crocodile. My parents got eaten but then the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar. At least that's what my liar aunt and uncle told me, so..**

Luna smiled, "Because that's exactly how crocodiles work, Harry."

He grinned, "It could happen!"

 **Ron: That sucks, can I see it?**

 **Harry: Uh yeah sure, here it is.**

 **Ron: Oh muh gaw, you're- you're Harry Potter.**

This time Harry whispered it to himself to avoid getting points taken away from Gryffindor House, "Damn Straight."

 **Seamus: Bloody hell, it's Harry Potter!**

 **All: Yay!**

 **Seamus: The names Seamus Finnigan, Mr. Potter. Can I say this is a right treat, a right treat Mr. Potter!**

Seamus scratched his head, "How did we even meet?"

Harry was stumped, he didn't remember how they had met. "I'm just gonna say you exploded something, and that's how we met, just first day at Hogwarts I guess."

 **Harry: Thanks, Seamus.**

 **Dean: Yo, what up man? My name's Dean Thomas, you want some bubblegum?**

Lavender sighed, "Wow, Dean's played by a girl, guess you're not alone, Draco." Draco sneered at her but didn't say anything.

 **Harry: Yeah, I love bubblegum!**

 **Neville: Will you sign my Harry Potter poster, Mr. Potter?**

"Now that," started Ginny, "is just plain weird, Neville."

Neville shrugged, "Just about as weird as you sleeping with Harry's picture taped on your pillow."

Ginny scowled, "That was supposed to be a secret."

Neville smiled, "Not anymore, it isn't."

 **Harry: Um, sure. Who should I make it out to?**

 **Neville: Neville Longbottom, sir.**

 **Harry: Um okay, Schlongbottom!**

Harry scratched the back of his head, "Sorry, Neville."

 **Students: Hahahaha!**

 **Cho: Ni Hao, Harry Potter, my name is Cho Chang, ya'll. You should stop by the Ravenclaw House sometime.**

Cho looked angry, "She still isn't Asian, she needs to just stop."

Parvati smirked, "I think you're just jealous."

 **Harry: Ron, what's going on here? Everyone's treating me like I'm- like I'm famous or something.**

 **Ron: But, Harry, you are!**

 ***Song Time***

 **You're Harry Freakin' Potter! You don't understand, your a legend man, to us all! Every son and daughter's-**

 **Everyone: SAFE!**

 **Ron: From You-Know-Who, all because of you, you were small! But I wonder if you can recall. Long story short this guy, Voldemort, was super cruel!**

Voldemort put his hand under his chin, "I prefer Dark Lord, but whatever."

 **Harry: Voldemort?**

 **Everyone: Shh!**

"It's just my name." whimpered Voldemort.

Harry rolled his eyes, "Get used to it, like I did with the Boy-Who-Lived and Potter Stinks."

Ginny raised her eyebrow, "We never called you that."

Harry remained straight-faced, "It sure felt like it."

 **Ron: He tried to kill you and your parents, and this is where it gets intensely cool. Even though you were a tiny little boy, you should have died but you survived and then destroyed this evil guy, and it's a story we enjoy to tell!**

 **Everyone: You're Harry Freakin' Potter! We don't prefer Gandalf, Merlin, or Oz! You're a whole lot hotter! With that lightning scar you're a superstar to us all. If we're in trouble we know who to call!**

Dumbledore sighed dreamily, "Oh I remember Merlin and Gandalf, they really were true friends."

Snape looked over at him, "But what about Oz?"

Dumbledore waved his hand, "He was a real player!"

 ***Students dance***

 **Ron: The best part is, you're rich!**

 **Rita Skeeter: Did somebody say Harry Potter? Rite Skeeter here for the Daily Prophet, reporting to you live, dear readers, from Platform 9 and 3/4. Where I just happened upon the original wiz-kid himself, Harry Potter, the lad who lived. Now let's you and me get on the level, HP. Where've you been for ten years? Are you excited for Hogwarts? Are you frightened for your life?**

 **Harry: Why would I be frightened for my life?**

Parvati was messing with her fingers again while looking down at her lap, "Well, haven't you always been frightened for your life?"

Harry pointed over to Voldemort, "Only because of no-nose over there."

Voldemort frowned, "I may not have a nose, but I still have feelings!"

 **Rita Skeeter: Well, ain't you cock sure. Know this, dear readers, HP the eleven year old titan shows no fear, even in the face of a murderous dog like Sirius Black.**

 **Harry: Who's Sirius Black?**

 **Rita Skeeter: "Who's Sirius Black?"! You don't know? He used to be your dad's best friend until he betrayed him for the Dark Lord and got him killed. Yup, turns out he was a Death Eater. He killed 13 ducks before they caught him, and I mean people. He hates your guts, wants ya dead. He just escaped from Azkaban, but it's no skin off your back kid, you know why? You're Harry Freakin' Potter! I wouldn't wince at all, you're invincible to all harm! Like Betty Crocker-  
**

Hermione leaned over to Luna, "I really enjoy her pies!"

Luna nodded eagerly, "My father has brought me one from his many expeditions, and it was delicious!" With that, the two girls started sharing recipes.

 **Everyone: Ooh!**

 **Rita Skeeter: I wanna eat you up, no one'll beat you up with that charm! Remember, Harry, kid you're the boss, you're the king, you're the bomb! Keep your nose clean, kid, don't take any of those wooden sickles now.**

 **Percy: All aboard!**

Cho looked bored, "This isn't how we actually go to Hogwarts, we don't all get in at once."

Dean shushed her, "It's all apart of the fun, Cho, you'll see soon enough."

 **Mrs. Weasley: Goodbye, kids, I love you! Be safe!**

 **Mr. Weasley: I love you!**

 **Harry: Ron, what's going on? This is just so all- it's unreal!**

Seamus was going to do it again, "Just like the size of my snake!"

Snape groaned, "Oh sweet Jesus! 25 points from Gryffindor."

Dean shook his head, "You gotta learn to control yourself, man."

 **Ron: No it's not! You''re Harry Potter, you're the coolest goddamn kid in the entire world. Everything's awesome for you, so you better get used to it.**

 **Harry: But this is all so sad, I mean my mom and dad were killed long ago...**

 **Everyone: Long ago, they died!**

Ron looked confused, "I guess death isn't that big of a deal to them?"

Dean shook his head, "Like I said, it's just the play and it's their nature so get used to it."

 **Harry: I wanna be psyched, but being unliked is all I know.**

 **Everyone: All he knows, that's why!**

 **Harry: I never thought I'd be apart of such a fate, an opportunity eleven years late. I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate, and show 'em that I'm something great! I'm Harry Freakin' Potter! I'll do what I can, if what you say I am is true! I can't be bothered by my awful past, I've found at last something I can do. So it's time I knew exactly who I am, I'm Harry Freakin' Potter!  
**

Neville snapped his fingers, "Darn it! If I had a lighter I would of totally used it for that moment!"

Hermione raised an eyebrow, "Why? It wasn't even slow or sad."

Neville shrugged once again, "Just seems right."

 **Everyone: You're Harry Freakin' Potter!**

 **Harry: I guess.**

 **Everyone: You're Harry Freakin' Potter!**

 **Harry: And I'm the Man!**

 **All: HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER!**

Draco rolled his eyes, "A little self obsessed, are we?"

* * *

 **Hey guys!**

 **So I know this chapter is a week late, but you know how the season is along with the school work and I also got hooked on Once Upon A Time, so I'm just about to finish Season 4 and my life has just been hectic when it came to my schedule. Anyway, this was also a longer chapter because the Part was a little over 10 minutes and then the reactions and all that jazz so it did take me a while to get this just about right. Also, this is NOT the end of Dramione, I just wanted to spice it up a bit. Enjoy.**

 **Until next update!**


	26. AVPS Act 1 Part 3

**Act 1 Part 3**

 **Harry: *opens door***

 **Ron: *does long, complicated door opening*What's up, good buddy?**

Lavender looked annoyed, "What was the whole point of that?"

Hermione just shrugged, she had really been down since she had broken up with Draco but what else could she have done? She wanted him back because she still loved him, but as if he would ever take her back.

 **Harry: Hey, Ron.**

 **Ron: Who's this guy?**

 **Harry: I don't know, he was here when I got here. He's asleep, but I think he's homele** ss.

Parvati nodded, "The Daily Prophet is quite a nice touch."

 **Ron: *sniffs Lupin* Gross. Uh, we kinda got separated at the train station and uh- you forgot this.**

 **Harry: You know man, everybody in the wizarding world loves my scar. How about you keep it?**

All of a sudden, Lavender and Cho squealed. Cho stood up and screamed ,"Bromance!", then sat back down and joined Lavender in a fit of giggles. Seamus looked at Dean and began mocking the girls and soon there were four people rolling around on the floor.

 **Ron: Really? Wow!**

 **Harry: Looks good, man.**

 **Ron: Thanks! Dammit, now I want to give you something!**

Snape squeezed Dumbledore's hand, "Are you sure that the amount of swearing in these musical is appropriate for the students?"

Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled as he said, "It is just about as appropriate as us making our relationship public to the students, and besides, it's not like they don't swear occasionally."

Snape nodded his agreement, "Indeed, very much true."

 **Harry: Oh, that's okay.**

 **Ron: Um, let me see. Ooh! Do you want a rat?**

Ron was curled up in a ball of embarrassment as Luna patted his back. Draco was staring at the couple, and inside he was thinking "What I would do to be able to have that back again!"

 **Harry: AH!**

 **Ron: It's-It's my rat.**

 **Harry: Oh, your rat.**

Hermione cocked her eyebrow, "Why would that change anything, it could have a disease!"

Ginny laughed, "Since when have the two boys had much intelligence up there, there's more luck and bravery than care about whether a rat was infectious or not."

 **Ron: His name's Scabbers, and he's been in my family for like- a hundred years. In fact, I think my parents found him the same night your parents died.**

 **Harry: Weird.**

Neville pretended to be astonished as he said, "Wow! What a coincidence!"

 **Ron: I know, weird. Hey, do you want a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Candy Bean?**

 **Harry: Sure.**

Seamus began a conversation with several DA members over how once he had gotten a heartbreak-flavored candy bean.

Dean looked weirded out, "What did it taste like?"

Seamus smirked, "I'm pretty sure you would know."

 **Ron: They have every flavor in the entire world, they even have a poopy flavored one but it is so rare you'll never be lucky enough to get it. What'd you get?**

 **Harry: Broken computer.**

Once again, everyone looked towards Hermione as to what a computer was. She stood up, rolling her eyes in the process, and quoted the definition. "A computer is an electronic device for storing and processing data, typically in binary form, according to instructions given to it in a variable program." She sat down to applause, and many thanks from the students.

 **Ron: That's gross. Can't even remember the last time I got a candy flavored one.**

 **Harry: What'd you get?**

 **Ron: Defeat. Well, I give up on these. Hey! Why don't we wash these beans down with some of the greatest snacks in the entire world.**

Harry playfully slapped Ron on the back, "Way to put a damper on things, Ron." Ron gave him a toothy smile and put one thumb up.

 **Both: Red Vines!**

 **Ron: Oh I got em right here in my bag- uh *pulls Crookshanks out***

 **Both: AHHHH!**

Hermione had jumped at the sight of the cat and was backing up and ended up bumping into Draco's leg.

She blushed, "Sorry, Draco."

He rubbed the back of his neck, "Oh, um that's alright."

 **Hermione: He's mine! Oh, you're bad. Sorry, sometimes he just crawls into the darndest places!**

 **Ron: That's okay, just next time- OH MY GOD NIGHT TROLL!**

Luna gave Ron the look that said " _You better watch what you say, unless you would like my elegant foot up your arse."_ Ron shrunk in his seat, due to the feeling that everyone had their eyes on him.

 **Hermione: I'm not a night troll! I'm a little girl, my names Hermione Granger.**

 **Ron: Ugh.**

 **Hermione: Jimminy Crickets, you're Harry Potter!**

Hermione looked confused, "Harry, did I really greet you like that?"

Harry shrugged nervously, "Kinda sorta."

 **Harry: Yeah weird, right?**

 **Hermione: Oh, I'm such a big fan! Say, would you sign my petition?**

Hermione tapped her finger on her chin, "Now, I know for a fact that I did not have a petition when I first met you."

Harry nodded, "Oh well."

 **Harry: Uh, sure.**

 **Ron: No, no he doesn't want to! *slaps clipboard out of her hand***

 **Hermione: Ah! I'm collecting signatures for House Elf suffrage. See, I just think it's awful that some creatures in the wizarding world aren't treated equally just because they were born as ugly, sickly little creatures, with big dumb noses. And I think that we, I mean the elves, are just as good as anybody. Not to mention that the world is just not made for those little guys. Did you know that 600 House Elves die in toilet related incidents every year?**

Ron laughed, "The third year House Elf phase!" Harry joined him in laughter, while Hermione mumbled something about how it wasn't a phase, she just wanted to help the elves.

 **Harry: Stop talking. I'll sign it, just don't send me an e-mail.**

 **Hermione: Oh no, I won't! Thanks Harry.**

Seamus was starting to get annoyed with all of the Muggle devices, "What the bloody hell is an e-mail!"

Snape sat up "10 points from Gryffindor."

Hermione was getting bored with their lack of knowledge on Muggles. "An e-mail are messages distributed by electronic means from one computer user to one or more recipients via a network."

 **Harry: There you go, hey are we the first people you asked there's only one other name on here.**

 **Hermione: That is my name.**

 **Harry: Oh, then there you go Herm- I- one.**

Hermione was outraged now, between the students and Draco, she was about to explode. She stood up in all her red faced glory and shouted, "MY NAME IS HERMIONE AND I DO NOT SEE WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT IT, I ALSO DON'T SEE WHY IT IS SO DIFFICULT TO EVEN TALK TO DRACO ANYMORE! YOU KNOW WHAT? I WILL DO IT RIGHT NOW! DRACO, I STILL LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY FOR BREAKING UP WITH YOU!" She sat back down, leaving Draco in shock, and began crying. Candace summoned a door and let Hermione go and have some time to herself.

 **Hermione: Wow! So Harry Potter, did you really grow up in the Muggle world?**

 **Harry: Yeah, found out I was a wizard like 2 minutes ago.**

 **Hermione: Ya, I grew up in the Muggle world too. My parents are Muggles- Muggle dentists.**

"So," started Seamus, "Who's going to explain to us what Muggle dentists are?"

Voldemort spoke for the first time during the whole part, "You all are very ignorant, not knowing anything about the Muggle world. I mean-"

Dumbledore interrupted him, "What he means to say is a dentist is a person qualified to treat the diseases and conditions that affect the teeth and gums, especially the repair and extraction of teeth and the insertion of artificial ones."

 **Candy lady: Candy from the trolley?**

 **Hermione: Am I ever so excited to finally go to Hogwarts!**

 **Ron: Yeah, that's cause Hogwarts is the best place in the entire world.**

Luna looked at Ron, "You're character is so bitter towards Hermione, why is that?"

Ron turned red and looked down, "It's just telling the truth on how I normally act towards her."

 **Hermione: Well ya, and to be taught by so many great witches and wizards like Albus Dumbledore!**

 **Harry: Who's- Who the hell's Albus Dumbledore?**

Snape opened his mouth to take points from Gryffindor, but Dumbledore shushed him "There's no need to punish the boy for something he did not do."

 **Ron:Well he's only the bestest most bravest-**

 **Hermione: Most wisest, most talented-**

 **Ron: Beautiful-**

Dumbledore laughed, "My, you children do flatter me!"

Harry grinned, "Only the best for the bestest, most bravest-"

Ron interrupted him, "Most wisest, most talented-"

Ginny finished the sentence, "Most beautiful wizard in existence."

 **Hermione: Beautiful wizard that ever lived!**

 **Candy lady: Candy from the trolley?**

 **Hermione: And my dream of dreams is to someday graduate top of my class.**

Seamus sighed, "Well that won't be very hard to achieve now, will it?"

Dean shook his head, "Definitely not."

 **Candy lady: Candy from the trolle- *Death Eater takes lady***

 **Death Eater: Candy from the trolley?**

The room exploded in laughter, and Cho decided to stand up and give one reason why it was so hilarious. "This is funny because-" she laughed harder, "because the boys here will never have a voice that low!"

 **Ron: Yes! At last!**

 **Hermione: My parents say that candy is bad for your teeth.**

 **Death Eater: Avada Keda-**

Voldemort was on the edge of his seat, quietly chanting "Go, go, go, go, go!"

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, "Not today, Voldy."

 **Lupin: Ah, Expelliarmus! *hits Death Eater* Take that you bastard ass! Oh, goddammit. Well at least I still have a- no what? Where'd it go? Oh. Shit, what? Oh that's piss! Wait, was I drinking piss? You must be Harry Potter!**

Ginny was grossed out, "No Harry, don't shake his hand! Merlin knows where it's been!"

Snape grinned, "Yes, Lupin is rather disgusting isn't he?"

Harry sneered at him, "Stop being such a prat." Dumbledore, for the first time in forever, hushed Harry.

 **Harry: What? You killed the candy lady!**

 **Trio: AHHHHHHH!**

 **Lupin: what, no it's- STOP IT STOP IT! Kids, don't be afraid of me! I'm not dangerous, and I'm not homeless- anymore. My name is Remus Lupin, I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and that so called candy lady was a Death Eater! She was about 2 seconds away from killing you, you're little friend, and his pet night troll.**

"What does a night troll even look like?" asked Luna. The screen searched night troll and the third picture that popped up was a picture of Hermione.

The voice sounded, "Relax, it's just fan art from a Muggle who enjoyed the musical."

 **Harry: What's a Death Eater, what is that?**

 **Lupin: It's a servant of You-Know-Who. I figured a few of them might show up when they learned that Harry Potter was heading to Hogwarts. They can be real hard ass dickheads.**

Neville's eyes were bulging when he said, "Well, now I know why Lupin doesn't teach here anymore."

 **Trio: *covers ears***

 **Lupin: What's the matter with you guys, oh shit! You guys are kids, I better watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. I'm sorry, shoot- gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. Ah!**

The voice spoke, "Shall I censor it?"

Voldemort shook his head, "No! The kids need to feel the full force of this musical!"

 **Ron: Hey, looks like the train stopped.**

 **Harry: We're here.**

 **Lupin: Here, listen this year I don't want you to be worried about Death Eaters, that Sirius Black, or werewolves or anything else that could kill you right now. Alright, because as long as your at Hogwarts, with me and Headmaster Dumbledore to protect you you'll be safe. Trust me, Harry, no one here at Hogwarts hates you.**

 **Snape: What the devil is going on here?!**

Ginny laughed, "That is so true!"

* * *

 **There you are! Don't forget to review and tell me ways to improve the story, I love getting feedback from you guys! Until next update!**


	27. AVPS Act 1 Part 4

**Act 1 Part 4**

The door had reappeared before the next part and Hermione stepped back inside. Her face was red and puffy from all of the crying she had been doing. When she arrived all heads turned to Draco, who had no tears in his eyes but his face full of sympathy and want.

Ginny sighed in annoyance, "Just make up already!" Hermione made her way to Draco and the two sat in the corner and discussed things.

 **Snape: You should not be here, get off the train. Why, Remus Lupin.**

 **Lupin: Severus Snape.**

 **Ron: *whispers to Harry* That's Snape, he's evil!**

Snape pretended to be hurt,"Why, Ron, you know first hand that I am only evil in bed."

Dumbledore laughed as Ron's face went white, "Good one, Severus."

 **Snape: Get off the train! Not you boy, you sit. So you must be Harry Potter, I can tell that just by not talking to you that you're a good for nobody like your father.**

Harry raised his hand in the air, "This is so accurate, it deserves gold medals!"

 **Lupin: You know what? Just leave the poor kid alone, okay? You haven't changed at all since our school days at Hogwarts. Hey Harry, don't pay any attention to sour grape Snape!**

 **Snape: How dare you speak that name!**

The room exploded in laughter while everyone started chanting "Sour grape Snape, sour grape Snape!"

Seamus stood up and began singing, "Snape, Snape, the sour grape he lives like an ape and- wears a cape!"

 **Lupin: I've said it before, Snape, and I'll say it again. You always have been and you always will be a butt trumpet! You know why? 'Cause you've got a trumpeting butt!**

Ron was laughing so hard that his whole face turned as red as his hair, "Bloody hell, Harry, this is hilarious!" Harry was laughing too, but not quite as hard.

 **Snape: No, I haven't!**

 **Lupin: Yes! *makes farting noises and mocks Snape's trumpeting butt***

Seamus and Dean stand up together and begin mocking the dance moves, and eventually included the sounds and effects too.

 **Snape: Stop it!**

 **Lupin: Hey guys, I'm Snape's butt!**

 **Snape: No he is not! That doesn't sound anything like my butt!**

There was a loud roar in the room and Neville was sitting with his red face in his hands, due to embarrassment of farting at this particular two boys begin to made fun of him until Hermione stands up from the corner and told them to sit down and leave him alone, and of course they listened because she was- well...Hermione.

 **Lupin: Ha! Who looks stupid now? You do.**

 **Snape: Alright, we're both adults now, I demand you stop acting like a child or I'll tell Dumbledore and have you expelled.**

Luna glanced over at Snape, "Wow, so very mature."

Ginny decided to comment on it too, but quietly. "Hypocrite", she muttered under her breath.

 **Lupin: I don't think so now, cause I'm a teacher now. You can't expel me, I'll expel you. In fact, you're expelled! I just expelled you!**

 **Snape: What? That's absurd! You can't expel me, we can't expel each other- can we?**

Lavender was looking curiously at the screen, "I wonder what the actor looks like without a costume."

Candace sounded, "I'm on it." In a matter of seconds a picture of Joe Moses popped up.

Lavender and Cho exchanged glances and in unison said, "I'd tap that."

 **Lupin: I won't pretend to know.**

 **Snape: Well, then I will. Snape, vanish!**

 **Harry: Whoa, what a jerk!**

Dumbledore frowned, "Now, Harry, you don't actually think that?" Harry sat there, remaining silent for fear of giving the wrong answer.

 **Lupin: Yeah, but listen Harry, don't let him bother you okay? You're finally where you belong, at Hogwarts, the place where you're parents spent the best years of their lives. So go on, Harry, go and find where you were always meant to be in the home you never had.**

 **Harry: I'll see you, Lupin!**

 **Lupin: See you in class, Harry.**

 _ **Song Time**_

 _ **Harry: Home. I've heard the word before, but it's never meant much more than just a thing I've never had. A place. They say, hey know your place but I've never had a place to even know, or a face that I could go to if I needed someone there. I'm laughing, it's hard to hide a smile. My God, it's been a while since I have had a reason to. To think, its been here all along, somewhere to belong and a reason, a something to believe in. I finally found it, a place where I'm wanted. This must be how it feels, to have a home. I used to dream about it, but never schemed or counted on fantasies or wishes! Breaks a man to see what he misses. And so many nights I'd pray for a better life and a better day, but I never thought that it'd come true, it's finally here and I don't know what to do! And I'm trying not to cry-**_

"His voice is angelic! What's he look like now?" The picture of Darren Criss was of him in the television show _Glee_ and she began fanning herself, "Sweet baby Jesus, that boy is beautiful!" Lavender nodded her head, whilst drooling.

 **Ron: Hey Harry, let's go get sorted.**

 _ **Harry: This must be how it feels, to have a home! I've finally made it, I've hoped and I have waited! For the first time in my life, I don't feel so alone!My heart starts to heal, to know this is real. This is how it must feel, to have a home!**_

 **Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR!**

Draco and Hermione had worked things out and were now back together. Voldemort was still sulking about being taken away from Quirrel but he decided to start some laughter and said, "Hit that high note!"

* * *

 **There you go! I hope you enjoyed that and I have come up with two more ideas to due once I finish the AVPM series, I think I will do "The Golden Trio React to Potter Puppet Pals" and also "The Golden Trio React to Potion Master's Corner", basically more reaction videos because I feel I am better at them than free flowing stories.**

 **Until Next Update!**


	28. AVPS Act 1 Part 5

**A/N: This chapter is in loving memory of Alan Rickman, who will forever be in our hearts. Always.**

 **Act 1 Part 5**

 ***Snape tightens the tie***

 **Harry: Ah!**

 **Snape: Wait, Potter! Your Sorting isn't done yet! The Scarf of Sexual Preference.**

 **Scarfy: Metro-sexual.**

Ron snickered, "Really? I would of gone with gay but only because of what I walked in on him doing the other night."

Ginny was shocked because she actually believed what Ron had said, "What?! What did he do the other night?! TELL ME!"

Hermione patted Ginny's back, "He's only kidding, don't get your knickers in a twist."

 **Harry: So does this school provide shoes to go with this fabulous tie or what?**

 **Snape: It sure does.**

 **Harry: I'll make it work. Hey guys, what'd you guys get sorted as?**

 **Ron: Bi-curious.**

Luna looked over at Ron, gaping. Ron put his hands up in defense, "I'm not bi-curious, I swear I'm hetero!"

Luna gave a sigh of relief, "Okay, for a moment there I figured there might be something else you use your wand for other than spells."

 **Hermione: Waiting til marriage.**

Draco laughed, "Well that sure isn't true!"

Hermione slapped his leg playfully, "I could start at any time, y'know."

 **Harry: No, what House did you get sorted in?**

 **Ron: Oh.**

 **Ron & Hermione: Gryffindor.**

 **Harry: Gryffindor? Cool, me too!**

 **Seamus: Bloody ass! Take a load of this, we're in the same House as 'arry Potter!**

Dean laughed, "That sure does remind me of when you first met- although I wasn't there I heard about it eventually."

Seamus shook his head, "You were the same way."

"Not uh!" Dean shot back, and soon the boys were in an argument.

Voldemort was becoming annoyed so he decided to end the argument with, "We get it, you both kissed Harry's ass when you first met him! Now shut up!"

 **Seamus: *lays at Harry's feet* Why don't you just put your feet right up here, Mr. Potter.**

 **Neville: Can I shine your shoes, Mr. Potter?**

 **Harry: Go for it, man.**

 **Neville: Ptoi!**

Snape frowned, "You too, Mr. Longbottom? I expected better from you."

Neville leaned over to Harry and whispered, "That's what he said to Dumbledore last night." The two boys laughed.

 **Dean: Yo man, I got this mean back rub!**

 **Harry: Oh, alright.**

 **Ron: WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! Service is not necessary, get out!**

Draco tapped his chin, "You know, you two boys really could be gay lovers. I mean, you already got the over protectiveness and obsession down."

Ginny threw a pillow at him, "Oh shut up, platinum!"

 **Harry: Gryffindor House rocks, I can't even imagine what kind of assholes exist in other stupid Houses.**

 **Sorting Hat: SLYTHERIN!**

 **Draco: Well, well, isn't this cute? The rumors are true. You must be Harry Potter, the famous bastard. My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, I despise gingers, and Mudbloods, I hate Gryffindor House, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents, do you want to be my friend?**

Voldemort laughed, "That's almost exactly how I greeted students- besides the parent part- but other than that it's on point!" Draco grinned and the two high-fived, but Draco's face went blank when he did and Voldemort shrunk back.

 **Harry: You hate Gryffindor House?! Get out of my face, Malfoy!**

 **Gryffindor House: Gasp!**

Cho and Lavender were giggling in a corner, so Ginny asked them to share what was so funny. Lavender stood up and announced, "We think that the actress portraying Draco is prettier than him in all his platinum blonde glory."

Ginny nodded, "I agree."

 **Hermione: Harry, no!**

 **Draco: *spins whilst standing up* You are not permitted to touch! Crabbe, Goyle!**

"That's what Lavender said the first time I tried shagging with her." said Seamus.

Dean rolled his eyes, "It probably wasn't just the first time, Seamus." L

Lavender nodded, "Thank you, Dean."

 **Goyle: Who dares disturb my slumber!**

 **Crabbe: Blahhh!**

 **Goyle: Get over here!**

"You know, that guy played Goyle is kind of hot. I really like how tall he is, and how his voice is so deep."

Hermione tried and failed at keeping a straight face when she said, "That's not all your wondering, Cho."

Cho blushed, "Am I that obvious?"

 **Crabbe: You too!**

 **Hermione: Hey!**

 **Goyle: It's clobbering time!**

 **Draco: As you wish, shake them! Yes! Yes, how does it feel to watch your friends be tortured?**

Ron looked confused, "But they're just shaking them, how could that hurt?"

Luna patted his shoulder, "There are many ways to inflict pain on someone, Ron."

 **Harry: Leave Ron alone, you bastards! Leave them alone!**

 **Ron: Just be his friend, Harry!**

 **Hermione: We'll miss you, Harry!**

 **Draco: Feel like being my friend yet, Potter?**

Draco pretended to be taking notes on an invisible piece of parchment, "Yes, this is quite an excellent way to make new friends."

Hermione raised an eyebrow at him, "Not if you want me, it isn't."

 **Harry: No way! Yeah, you can torture my friends all you want. I will never, and I mean ever, be your friend.**

 **Draco: You've made a grandiose mistake, Potter. No one undermines Draco Malfoy!**

 **Dumbledore: Oh Malfoy, you little shit!  
**

Draco turned red, "Seriously, why does everyone call me that in this musical?!"

Harry laughed, "It's pretty much your new name, you mine as well get used to it."

Dumbledore smiled to himself and tested it out, "Why, Draco! You little shit, stop bullying Mr. Potter."

Snape squeezed his hand, "Very good , very good indeed."

 **Everyone: Dumbledore!**

 **Dumbledore: If you don't sit down right now I will spank your diapered tush!**

 **Harry: Malfoy wears a diaper?!**

Everyone looked at Hermione, "HE WEARS A DIAPER?!" She shook her head no, but she wasn't so sure, "Draco, do you wear a diaper?"

He started spluttering, "Why, no! Of course not!"

Dumbledore looked down at him over his glasses, "So you just happen to have padded underwear on right now?" Draco turned red from embarrassment while everyone else broke down into laughter.

 **Dumbledore: He sure does. Hey Draco, x-ray glasses.**

 **Draco: This is all your fault, Potter! You wait til my father hears about this.**

 **Dumbledore: Well, well, what fun! Welcome everybody, to your very first magical year at Hogwarts. My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I'll be your Headmaster. Now you call me Dumbledore, or else! Now, by now you should of been sorted into one of four Houses. During your time at Hogwarts, your House will be like your family, warring families who all hate each other and finally compete for this- a cup.**

 **Goyle: Look at that cup! I'd feed myself to Aragog's children for that cup!**

Hermione looked annoyed, "It's just a cardboard cup!"

 **Ron: I'd kill for that cup!**

Harry shook his head, "No Hermione, it's more than just a cup. That cup represents life and death."

 **Harry: That cup is ours, Slytherin, you're gonna die!**

 **Dumbledore: Kids! Don't kill each other in the Great Hall, you have to wait to do that on the Quidditch field.**

 **Dean: Quidditch? What you talkin' 'bout, Dumbledore?**

"They don't know what Quidditch is, what wizarding world do they come from?"

Voldemort sat up, "Remember, they're just Muggles, practically oblivious to anything that happens around them. That's why they should just all die already."

 **Dumbledore: Dean, Quidditch is a magical sport just for wizards and boy is it silly!We take you little cuties and shoot you thousands of miles up in the air on brooms, where you bounce around big, old balls and beat each other with long, thick clubs. There's some other rules in there and you get points somehow, but the thing we all watch for is the blood. Isn't that right, Lupin?**

 **Lupin: It sure as hell is, Dumbledore.**

 **Dumbledore: Kids, I want you to meet Remus Lupin, your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He;'s also volunteered to coach the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. And let's not forget about my very good friend, our Potion's Master and Coach of the Slytherin team, Professor Snape.**

 **Snape: Yay! I would like to take this opportunity to announce the Hogwarts Astronomy Club. This year we will be paying particularly good attention to to the cycles of the moon, and their effects on certain professors.**

Lavender squealed, "Is he a vampire?! Oh, I hope he's vampire!"

Parvati had a look on her face that said 'I'd rather be anywhere else than here', "No Lavender, he's obviously a werewolf."

Lavender crossed her arms over her chest and pouted, "Whatever."

 **Lupin: *mouths* Son of a bitch.**

 **Snape: Remus Lupin, for example, what do you enjoy doing in the light of a full moon?**

 **Lupin: That's an easy one, Snape, kill!**

 ***Lavender cries***

"Why would he say that in front of kids, I mean they're only just children!" yelled an upset Luna.

 **Lupin: I mean- I mean- I mean kill animals.**

 ***Students begin crying***

 **Lupin: I mean dance with animals, sorry!**

Ginny smiled, "You can do that?"

Snape put on a sarcastic grin and said, "Only if you would like your eyes clawed out."

 **Snape: Well if my calculations are correct it should be a full moon this very evening.**

 **Lupin: Ah you're full of shit, Snape!**

 ***Students gasp and cover their ears***

Harry was pouting when he said, "Why do teachers get to swear, but students can't?"

Voldemort jumped up, "Because that would give them too much power! If you give a kid too much power, you never know what they'll do-" he trailed off.

 **Lupin: I mean poopie. It was a full moon just 30 days ago- in fact I must be going. I feel in the mood to kill some animals I- HO! AH! My transformation- it's beginning! Sorry, kids. Speed of a wolf!**

 **Snape: Bye.**

 **Dumbledore: Anyway, on a more serious note, Hogwarts isn't all fun and games and trying to violently kill each other- your lives could be in grave danger as well.**

 **Cho: What ever could you mean Professor Dumbledore?**

Cho was clutching her head, "Why in the name of Merlin do I have a southern accent?!"

Lavender patted her back, "Because I get the Asian chick to portray me. Finders keepers, losers weepers."

 **Dumbledore: It's Cho Chang. How you doing, Cho? Well, Cho, I'm sure you've all heard by now that the violent criminal Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban and the Ministry is not taking the threat he poses to Hogwarts very lightly.**

 **Neville: Oh d-d-d-dear Professor, do you mean that Sirius Black could be headed here?**

Draco was angry, "Just spit it out, Schlongbottom!" He sneered.

 **Dumbledore: I sure do, Schlongbottom. In fact, there might be some cute little Gryffindor that's leading him right to our doorstep.**

 **Ron: Thanks, Herman!**

 **Harry: Ron, he said cute, he could've only been talking about me.**

 **Ron: Oh yeah, duh, Herm-i-one's a butt.**

Hermione buried her head in her hands, so she had to be consoled by Ginny. Ron and Harry were looking at each other nervously, and wondering whether they should apologize for something they didn't do, Eventually, they stood up and moved towards her, comforting her and telling her she was beautiful.

 **Dumbledore: She sure is, Ron. Well, anyway, the Ministry has sent a new security officer to help keep Harry Potter, as well as everybody else, as safe as can be. So, kids, I want you to help me by giving a big warm Hogwarts welcome to Professor Umbridge.**

 ***Thudding footsteps***

 **Dumbledore: Severus, I was under the impression that the Ministry was sending a woman, not this handsome stud muffin! He's dreamy! A sexy man!**

Voldemort was gaping, "Is that the man who portrayed me last time?!"

Snape smiled evilly, "It sure is!"

 **Harry: Who is that guy?**

 **Ron: That's no guy, that's Dolores Umbridge, my dad told me about her. He says she can't be killed, he says she drinks blood.**

 **Hermione: I read that she used to be the warden of Azkaban, and that the Dementors that work there are only scared of one thing.. her!**

 **Seamus: I heard, one time, a Dementor kissed her- and it died.**

Harry was nodding, "That sounds just like her. Man, I'm glad she's gone."

 **Neville: Oh d-d-dear.**

 **Dumbledore: Professor Snape will now escort the boys to their dormitories, and uh Professor Umbridge has asked to have a word with all of you young ladies about the girl's dorm.**

 **Snape: Walk this way.**

Dumbledore smiled sweetly at Snape, "I love that strut you have going there."

Snape smiled back, "If you love it, so do I."


	29. AVPS Act 1 Part 6

**Act 1 Part 6  
**

 **Dumbledore: Well if it isn't Harry f***ing Potter. I haven't seen you since you were a cute little baby! Didn't you grow up into a sexy little bitch like your father!**

Ginny whistled, "He sure did." Harry gave her a shy smile, but when he looked away he noticed everyone else was staring at them and the two turned redder than Ron at the Yule Ball.

 **Harry: You knew my dad?**

 **Dumbledore: I sure did, and your mom too. Both of them were in Gryffindor House when they came to Hogwarts, I forget where the scarf put them though.**

Snape sighed, "Your mother was heterosexual, and your father was definitely bisexual." Harry had no idea how to react to this, so he just sat there and didn't say anything.

Dumbledore put his hand on Snape's knee, "Oh don't pay attention to Sevvy, Harry, both of your parents were heterosexual but I would've said metro for your father.

Harry grinned, "Just like me."

 **Harry: What did you get sorted when you came to Hogwarts?**

 **Dumbledore: Gay as the fourth of July. Oh you meant from the hat- Gryffindor, Harry. You should be very proud because Gryffindor is the House of good guys. Now you get that cute little tush off to bed, you scamp.**

Dumbledore looked questioningly at Snape, "Severus, what were you sorted as?"

Snape smiled, "It seems you have forgotten we don't have a scarf of sexual preference here and you're merely just guessing sexual orientations, but I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual."

Dumbledore squeezed his knee, "That sounds about right, with Lily and all-"

Snape put a finger up to his lip to hush him.

 **Harry: Oh alright, bye Dumbledore!**

 **Dumbledore: Bye!**

 **Scarfy: Alright Dumbledore, let's go to bed. I'm so over sorting these little bastards.**

Seamus crossed his arms over his chest, "Hey!"

Dumbledore shrugged, "Maybe you'll understand one day."

 **Dumbledore: Scarfy!**

 **Scarfy: What? Some of them are bastards! That little Draco Malfoy, is he going to be a pain in the nose.**

Hermine frowned at Draco, "I thought your parents were married when they had you."

Draco shook his head, "I honestly have no idea, they never talked about their marriage."

Voldemort laughed at him at him, "Ha! Your parents never loved each other,Lucius was just having a lucky day, and to save the family name they got married. Now, here you are."

 **Dumbledore: Oh, Scarfy.**

 **Scarfy: Oh Dumbledear, come on let's go feng shui your office.**

Snape rolled his eyes, "That nasty little piece of material better back off of my man!"

Dumbledore sighed happily, "Oh, how I love it when you get jealous over the tiniest of things, my Sevvy-cake."

 **Dumbledore: Oh yeah, I feel like I'm missing a water element.**

 **Scarfy: Follow me!**

 **Umbridge: Ahem. Now girls, I know that this is your first year at Hogwarts, and I know that some of you might be nervous or frightened. But girls, I'm here to make your time at Hogwarts as totally awesome as possible. Because girls, I'm not just a teacher or security officer. In fact, I like to think of all of you as my daughters. And that makes me- your mammmaaa!**

Dean snickered, "No wonder the girls here are so ugly!"

Harry, Ron and Draco stared angrily at Dean, until he grew flustered and apologized "I'm s-sorry- the girls here are b-b-beautiful."

 **And a very loving and caring mama I am. So for all of us girls to get along in the girl's dormitory this year, there are just some very simple rules that must be obeyed. Rule number one: No boys- unless they're cute!**

Luna shrugged her shoulders, "I guess no boys, eh?"

Hermione laughed, "You got that right!"

 **Rule number two: No alcohol- unless there's plenty to go around! Stop it girls, I'm bad! And rule number three: No parties- unless Umbridge is invited! Girls, girls, girls, you keep me young, girls. You keep me young. Der, der, der, der, der, der. But seriously girls, if I do catch you with any boys or alcohol, I'm gonna rip your perky little boobs off.**

Ginny looked down and poked her boob, "They aren't that perky, I have no idea what she's talking about." C

ho raised her eyebrow, "She means that you're boobs are still as pointy as the Eiffel Tower, hers are more like a shriveled up, saggy orange."

 **That's right. From now on, we're going to be doing things around here my way, we're going to be doing things around here THE UMBRIDGE WAY!**

 **Lavender: (Cries)**

 **Umbridge: I'm sorry, did I make you cry you chubby little f**k?!**

Voldemort applauded, "I like this woman, do you think I could get a hold of her somehow?"

Parvati nodded, "Oh yeah, go one school over and I'm sure she'll be up one of the student's arse."

 **That's all right- human tears are very natural. In fact, when I was young human, tears would flow from my eyeballs all the time. Until one day, when my mama Umbridge said to me, "Delores, girl, you put down that cheesecake, you throw out that fondue, and you get up off of that couch, girl! Get on up!**

Hermione leaned over to Draco and whispered, "The real Umbridge doesn't look like she put down that cheesecake- or the fondue for that matter."

Draco nodded and whispered back, "I'm sure Mr. Umbridge would know."

 **Hermione: (stands up)**

 **Umbridge: Sit down! And from that moment forward I picked up anything that I could find and hoisted it up over my head. And I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks! Because I'll tell you, girls, it's a man's world out there and to get ahead you gotta be stronger than a man! You gotta be a wo-man! I am wo-man hear me SMASH!**

Luna cocked her head to the side, "I wonder if she goes to any of those rallies, like one of those feminist ones. I've been before and they're really inspiring."

Ron nodded, "It would make sense."

 ***stomps* So get up girls, get on up and fall in! Dress up that line! It's your mama Umbridge's job to keep her baby bears safe, and I'm gonna do just that. And to do that, I'm gonna toughen you girls up. From this day forward, you're gonna do five hundred push-ups a day. Except for you Cho Chang, you don't have to do a goddamn thing.**

 **Cho: Goody!**

 **Umbridge: Yeah, because everybody already just thinks that you're goddamn perfect. Don't they?**

Many of the girls sat up, Hermione rubbed her hands together "I'm beginning to enjoy this woman."

Ginny grinned, "Same here."

 **Cho: Well, I certainly hope I haven't given them any reason not to think so!**

 ***Umbridge and Cho laugh***

 **Umbridge: AHAHAHAHA! AH DER DER DER DER DER! And funny too! Isn't she just a f***ing peach, girls, don't we just f***ing love her?!**

The girls began clapping,"Damn straight!" yelled another D.A. member. The boys were a little confused but they didn't tell the girls to stop, and let them keep going.

 **Lesson number one, girls, little skanks like her are always going to get whatever they want. And the rest of you, you're going to have to eat each other to get ahead, because that's just the way the world works for frumpy little turds like us!**

Hermione fanned herself, "Whew, this is some powerful stuff! I would definitely listen to her speak!"

 **I mean.. like you! Now girls, get on upstairs and brush them cute little teeth of yours, and if I catch you outside of bed past 2100 hours, I won't be afraid to stick a red hot curling iron up them cute little perky buttholes of yours. Because that's what my mama did to me, and I won't be afraid to do it to my daughters! Lights out!  
**

Luna put her hand on her thigh and thought aloud, "I wonder what that would feel like."

Ron cringed, "I wouldn't try it if I were you."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

 **Hey! So I hope you liked this chapter and I will see you next week! I got some pretty important stuff going on this week, and I hope it all goes well.**

 **Until next update!**

 **xo**


	30. AVPS Act 1 Part 7

**Act 1 Part 7**

 **Cho: Good morning, Gryffindors.**

 **Seamus: Good morning, Miss Chang.**

 **Dean: Carry your books for you?**

Ginny scoffed, "Kiss ass, much?"

Seamus stuck his tongue at her, while Dean tried to fend for themselves, "You're Harry Potter, you're the Boy who Lived!"

Dean mocked, "Speak for yourself."

 **Ron: Charms? Sucks. Potions? Sucks. Transfiguration? Sucks!**

 **Harry: Ya, the best class is definitely Satanic Rituals.**

Voldemort threw his arms out, "See! I knew it wasn't just me."

Draco nodded and folded his arms, "Ya, definitely."

Voldemort rolled his eyes, "Shut up, Milfoy." Draco put up a hand to protest his last name, but quickly put it down.

 **Hermione: Hey guys! Where we headed?**

 **Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! Harry and I are going to Quidditch tryouts.**

 **Hermione: Quidditch? But you can't try out for Quidditch! My parents say that sports are bad for your teeth.**

Ron nodded sarcastically, "Oh yeah! Did you know that if your teeth even see a quaffle, they will turn black and fall out!"

Seamus gasped rather loudly, "Wow, I had no idea! Bloody hell, that's horrible!"

 **Ron: I don't care.**

 **Hermione: Why don't you try out for an extracurricular activity that's intellectually stimulating and teeth friendly? We could try out for wizard chess club or wizard debate!**

 **Harry: Okay, listen. Why don't you go try out for that lame boring stuff, Ron and I are gonna do the fun, dangerous stuff!**

Harry laughed, "Like that one time we tried sneaking into the girls bathroom and we saw Millicent Bullstrode and-" He shuddered at the memory and Ron had turned white as a sheet.

 **Ron: Ya!**

 **Hermione: Or we could do something together!**

 **Ron: No, Herman, we can't. Because Harry and I want to have fun, and get girlfriends and we can't do that with you just sagging along all the time! So, why don't you go hang out with Moaning Myrtle?**

Neville copied Ron's hand motion, "What does that mean?"

Draco smirked, "Hermione and I could demonstrate it for you!"

Hermione turned red, "Not on your life, _Milfoy_."

 **Hermione: But she thinks I'm annoying!**

 ***Ron gestures as to show that Moaning Myrtle is right***

Luna looked at Ron disapprovingly, "Well, that's rather cold, isn't it?"

 **Hermione: You know, maybe I'll just try out for Quidditch! I mean it's not like you can kick me off the field!**

 **Lupin: Blah ha! Puke my gets out! Hey guys, who invited Boo Radley? Ha ha! Get the hell off the field, Herman! I'm not kidding! Beat it! Alright guys, who's ready to win the House Cup?**

Seamus scratched his head, confused. Hermione rolled her eyes, " _How to Kill a Mockingbird_ , ever heard of it?"

Seamus shook his head and gave a toothy grin, "Nope."

 **Gryffindor Quidditch Team: Woo!**

 **Lupin: That's what I like to hear! So, what have we got here? Quidditch, the most ancient and silliest of all Wizarding sports. As some of you may know, the Gryffindor pee-wee team hasn't won a match in 14 years, but I think that with me as your coach and you little stallions as my team, there's no way we're losing to Slytherin, or Ravenclaw, or Jiggly puff. Alright! So, who here has ever played Quidditch before? That's okay, that's okay! Uh, how about riding a broom? Anyone ever ridden a broom before?  
**

 **Ron: I was just stretching.**

Parvati laughed and muttered under her breath, "Prats."

Ginny nodded in agreement, "Definitely."

 **Lupin: Oh. Alright, has anyone ever thrown or caught a ball?**

 **Neville: Something was thrown at me once.**

Neville threw his hand up in the air, "Ooh! That happened to me just yesterday!"

Draco looked down at his hands and murmured, "Sorry."

Voldemort rolled his eyes, "You boys really are prats, aren't you?"

Parvati threw her hands up in the air, "That's what I'm saying!"

 **Harry: Ya it was!**

 **Ron: Woo!**

 **Lupin: Gotta work with what you got. Alright, Thomas, Finnigan, let's go.**

 **Seamus: Seamus, gov'nor.**

 **Dean: Yeah what up, boss?**

 **Lupin: Alright, I want you guys to take these and practice hitting each other with them, okay? You guys are the Beaters.**

 **Dean: Is this right? *hits Seamus in the gut***

Luna's eyes widened, "That must of hurt!"

Ron patted her back, "No, that was one of those Muggle foam bat things."

Dumbledore nodded, "Exactly, Mr. Weasley, it would just slightly knock the wind out of you."

 ***Seamus clutches stomach and keels over***

 **Lupin: Yes, Dean, that's good. That's very good. Ron, you're keeper. Alright, Harry, Harry, come on.**

 **Harry: Yeah, coach?**

"So, how are they going to make the brooms fly?" Dean directed his question towards everyone in the room.

Snape rolled his eyes, "Mr. Thomas, please use your common sense, the brooms simply will not fly because they are Muggles."

 **Lupin: Listen, Harry, you're the most important guy, okay? See this thing? It's called the Snitch. Now during the game, it's gonna sprout wings and fly all over this giant stadium and it's your job to catch it.**

 **Harry: That sounds easy enough.**

 **Lupin: Alright, you're the seeker, Harry. Just like your dad.**

Voldemort wiped invisible tears away and spoke in a baby voice, "Awe, now we're getting all sentimental."

Harry's face went red, "Shut up, Voldy." Voldemort once again tried wiping his wand out, but to no avail.

 **Harry: You knew my dad?**

 **Lupin: Ya, I knew him. He and I used to play Quidditch together. I don't know if you know this, Harry, but I was your dad's best friend.**

 **Harry: I thought the traitor, Sirius Black, was my dad's best friend.**

Ginny snickered, "And the truth comes out!" Hermione slowly nodded her head, remembering similar events that happened during her first year of Hogwarts. Draco noticed a small tear rolling down her cheek, so he hugged her from behind and held her.

 **Lupin: Nope. Who- who told you that? Did your dad tell you that?**

 **Harry: Well, I didn't get a chance to talk to him after he died.**

 **Lupin: Good, it was probably just hearsay then. Alright, let's play some Quidditch. Harry, get on a broom and make my best friend proud!**

Seamus frowned, "I hate people like that."

Harry raised an eyebrow, "Since when has anyone ever been your best friend besides Dean?"

Seamus scowled, "You don't know my story."

 **Snape: Hey, who's that? Hagrid?**

 **Lupin: No, it's not Hagrid. Snape! What are you even doing here? Gryffindor has the field today, I reserved it weeks ago!**

 **Snape: Not according to my schedule, Slythereen has the field so that we could train our new Seeker, Draco Malfoy.**

"I wonder how long it would take to get that routine down." said Ron.

Ginny raised her eyebrow, "All he has to do is slip right on through his legs."

 **Lupin: Alright, listen. That is impossible, okay? I've got a slip from Dumbledore. Maybe- maybe he accidentally signed the field out to both of-**

 **Snape: That's absurd!**

 **Lupin: You're absurd!**

Lavender moaned, "This is going to go on forever!" Cho sighed, "This will take so long!"

 **Snape: What?! Say that again to my face!**

 **Lupin: You're absurd!**

 **Snape: That's absurd!**

 **Both: AHH!**

 **Snape: Let's see this slip from Dumbledore, if it really does exist.**

 **Lupin: Fine, I've got it right here. *Crookshanks bites Lupin* AHHHHHHHHHHH! Just keep that- keep that thing out of my thing, okay?**

Snape has a smirk on his face, "You know, a thing could be anything."

Dumbledore grinned and playfully slapped Snape's arm, "Oh, get your beautiful twisted mind out of the gutter!"

 **Hermione: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.**

 **Lupin: What was I even doing?**

 **Snape: The slip.**

 **Lupin: Oh. Alright, here.**

"Sometimes they can act civil." said Hermione.

Draco rubbed her back, "Yes, perhaps they can."

 **Snape: Why this is preposterous, I demand to see Dumbledore at once.**

 **Lupin: Fine, let's go.**

 **Snape: Alright, let's go.**

 **Harry: Well, if they're going to be awhile, might as well take this time to bust out a funky tune.**

"Funky?" Ginny wrinkled her nose at the word. Ron began chanting funky to annoy Ginny, until Luna shut him up with a spell.

 **Ron: Woo!**

 **Neville: Ya!**

* * *

 **Hope you enjoyed this chapter, maybe it brightened your Valentines Day or maybe your day was already great, either way works. Until next update! :)**


	31. AVPS Act 1 Part 8

**Act 1 Part 8**

 **Draco: Hey. Potter. Hey, Potter! Potter! Potter!**

Draco scoffed, "That sounds nothing like me!"

Hermione laughed, "Of course it doesn't, Draco!" But soon after, she murmured to herself, "Still in denial, are you?" Ron happened to hear her and looked back at her and the two shared a smile.

 **Harry: What, Malfoy?**

 **Draco: I drew a picture of you.**

Lavender batted her eyelashes and sarcastically added, "Oh how romantic! Seamus, why won't you draw a picture of me?"

Seamus turned red and muttered, "You'd probably become offended."

Lavender began steaming, "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

Dean saw what was happening and hid Seamus behind him, forming a wall between the two. "Not today, Lavender."

 **Harry: Okay...**

 **Draco: Do you see what's happening to you in it? It's you getting hit in the head with a Quaffle.**

Harry rolled his eyes, "Wow, that is so funny! Ron, look at me! I'm practically rolling on the ground, howling with laughter!"

Ron nodded, "You sure are, mate."

 **Crabbe and Goyle: Hahahahahaha!**

 **Draco: Don't you feel foolish? Look that's me, that one, that's me. And I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time, aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater, it's rather good. It's actually quite good. It's probably- probably the best I've ever done. Actually, can I have that back? Wait, no I'm taking it! What do you think of that, Potter, huh? I've stolen your favorite drawing! Look, what do you think of this?! No! Goyle, paste it! Now look what you've done, Potter. You wait 'til my father hears about this!He'll say, Draco, you goddamn little poofer, why don't you stop whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human. And then- and then he will pull down my diaper and scold me for the mess I've left in it, and spank my cheeks as red as cherries.**

Draco put his head down in embarrassment, "Story of my life."

Hermione was gaping, "You can't use the loo?!"

Draco sighed, "I thought we established the answer to that question in a previous video."

 **Harry: That really sucks, Malfoy, but I just can't believe you still wear a diaper!**

 **Gryffindor: Hahahaha!**

 **Draco: All respectable wizards do! How do you expect me to use a potty, I could fall into that monstrosity! At least, I can draw.**

Ginny cocked an eyebrow, "Dumbledore?" Dumbledore threw his hands up in defense, "Oh no, Ms. Weasley, I wear briefs!" G

inny turned red, so Harry responded for her, "TMI, Headmaster, TMI.."

 **Hermione: You know what, Malfoy, leave Harry alone, I mean it's not like that drawing's that good.**

 **Gryffindor: Ohhhh!**

Luna shook her head, knowing what was coming up. Ron looked at her confusedly, "What? What is it?"

Luna sighed loudly, "Ron, it's quite obvious that they are just going to challenge Hermione to do something that they know very well she can't do." Ron's mouth was set in an 'O'.

 **Draco: *dramatically twists around* Not that good? Let's see you try to draw something better, you little mudblood.**

 **Ron: HEY! Ya, Herman! Let's see you draw something right now, in front of everyone!**

Hermione looked over to Ron, "Thanks for the support, Ronald."

He gave her a thumbs up, "Anytime, 'Mione!"

 ***Everyone begins arguing***

 **Harry: You guys, guys stop, stop it! This is no way to go about this, okay? I got just the thing. _*Sings*_ Hermione can't draw.**

 **All: Hermione can't draw! Hermione can not draw! She only reads books and she can not draw, even if she's reading a how to draw book. Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw-**

Seamus gasped, "Even if you're reading a 'How to Draw' book?!" Hermione sunk lower into the ground, she knew she couldn't go forever without someone realizing her lack of artistic abilities.

 **Lupin: I screwed up, Slytherin's got the field. What the hell is going on? Stop dancing like that! Guy's stop it. Hey, this song isn't even that funny, okay?**

 **Ron: Oh ya? Let's see you sing something right now in front of everyone!**

 **Harry: Lupin can't sing!**

Snape chuckled, "He's right! Lupin couldn't win a singing competition if it was against a cat!"

 **All: Lupin can't sing, Lupin can not sing!**

 **Lupin: I'm Remus freakin'- alright, alright guys stop, hey guys! Hey remember how Hermione can't draw, she can't draw!**

 **All: Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione can not draw! She only reads books, and she can not draw even if she's reading a how to draw book! Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw- *song slowly fades away as they leave the stage*.**

"I think that's my favorite song so far." laughed Neville.

Hermione balled her hands into fists, "Try me, Neville." Whatever Hermione was trying to accomplish, it surely worked. Neville instantly became quiet, forcing Hermione to beg forgiveness.

 **Snape: Granger, don't you have somewhere else to be?**

 **Ron: Yeah!**

 **Hermione: Do I have somewhere to be? No. All my dreams, I'm chasing after- they don't need all this laughter. I take a grain of salt, stiff upper lip, it's not their fault I'm not as hip. Wake up, kid, you know you're more than this. I'm the smartest person that I've ever met, so why do I allow myself to possible forget there's so much I know how to do, so much more than all of you, the only thing I wish I knew was how to make them see the girl that I can be. I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world, I know it but can't show it at all. I am sick and tired of low not higher places, where I should belong. Well, it's about time I proved them wrong. So give me a shot to show what I've got! I'm a helluva whole lot more than this frizzy hair, these frumpy clothes I wear, though I rock 'em like nobody you've seen before! 'Cause I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world, I know it below it all. I am done with losin', on with choosin'! The coolest girl on the face of the planet, the coolest bitch on Earth, goddammit! The coolest chick you've ever seen or heard, so you can try to break me down, but sorry guys I'm stickin' around! I've thought about it, and I've found that I am the coolest girl, yeah!**

Draco hugged Hermione and whispered in her ear, "You'll always be the coolest girl to me."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

 **Hey guys, so I have an announcement!**

 **I will continue to write this but I believe I am going to be writing little one-shots from classic novels such as Mansfield Park, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, etc. So I will not be uploading on Sundays anymore but most likely during the week- I'm second thought I might just upload on Wednesdays from now on- I don't know. Well anyway, just thought I'd let you guys know. :)**

 **Until next update!**


	32. AVPS Act 1 Part 9

**Act 1 Part 9**

 **Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students, in celebration of all Hallow's eve, we'll be taking a trip up to Hogsmeade. Please gather in the courtyard with your signed Hogsmeade permission form, students without their permission form will be killed. No! But they won't be allowed to go and it's going to be a lot of fun.**

"A little harsh, sweetie, isn't it?" Dumbledore squeezed Snape's hand.

Snape grinned, "Yes, that is me."

 ***Snape exits***

 **Draco: You know, Goyle, using the potty is not so bad. I dunno why I was so afraid of it all those years. I think I was concerned about falling in, but I** **have found if I climb on top of the potty, right, and I put one foot on either side of the potty-hole rim, I get a firm footing, I'm actually quite safe.**

Everyone groaned, but Draco put his hands up in his defense, "Hey! It's a natural thing, You can listen to it, and I don't mind if you make fun of me."

Hermione raised an eyebrow at him. Draco exhaled loudly, "Okay, fine, maybe I do care! But I'm just trying to ease up!"

 **And you know, using the potty's a great time to socialize. You simply, you look over to the stall next to you and you have a right chat with your neighbor. Oh! Hello there, good sir. First time using the potty too, eh? Good luck, my man! And then, simply squat, like so. And I do my business, in my diaper as usual, and then I undo the side latches, and let the diaper simply fall into the potty. Yes, father will hear of this.**

Ron pinched the bridge of his nose, "Malfoy, that was so descriptive- no one need to know that."

Draco shrugged, "Not everything is best left unsaid, I suppose."

Hermione shook her head, "No, Draco, we _really_ did not need to know how you use the loo."

Ginny shrugged, "Technically, he isn't using the loo because he still goes in that little diaper of his."

Draco's glare went dark, "We shall not speak of this topic longer." Harry grinned, "Whatever, Wee Ones."

 ***The three exit the stage while Umbridge and students enter***

 **Umbridge: Permission form to Hogsmeade? Have fun at Hogsmeade. Permission form to Hogsmeade? Have fun at Hogsmeade. Permission form to Hogsmeade?**

Ron was mimicking Umbridge to Luna in a high pitched squeak, "Permission form to Hogsmeade? HAVE FUN AT HOGSMEADE!"

 **Harry: Uh, no, I'm Harry Potter.**

 **Umbridge: Hee hee, hehehehehehe.**

"I swear," started Seamus, "This man is probably the ugliest woman I've ever seen!"

Dean leaned over to him and whispered, "Have you even seen the real Umbridge? That woman is tons uglier than that actor dressed as a woman!"

Lavender tapped her chin, "Room, what does the actor that portrays Umbridge look like in reality?" The Room popped up results for "Joe Walker".

"Merlin!" squealed Cho. The girls began giggling and whispering to one another while most of the male students rolled their eyes in annoyance.

 ***Harry joins in and the two laugh awkwardly together***

 **Umbridge: DER DER DER DER DER DER! I'm sorry! I didn't realize that I was in the presence of royalty. Oh my God, everybody look! It's Harry freaking Potter!**

Parvati snickered, "That laugh, though!"

Dean looked over to Parvati, "I don't know why you're making fun of her laugh, yours sounds just like it."

Seamus gave Dean a high five and the two continued on with their previous conversation.

 ***Everyone cheers***

 **Umbridge: Oh my God, he is so dreamy! And he's so rich and famous, Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter! Would you play me a little song on your guitar? Oh wait, oh wait, Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter! Will you sign my boob?! Oh alright, right over here.**

Ginny snorts, "Harry's done that to me one too many times."

Ron gagged, "Bloody hell, Ginny, give me a break!"

She shrugged, "Just saying', it really isn't as exciting as you would think it is."

 **Harry: Oh!**

 **Umbridge: I wonder what would happen if I just broke your fingers? Because then you wouldn't be able to play the guitar anymore. And then all your little friends would just leave you alone, then you'd be just like Umbridge. Except Umbridge can kick yo ass. Now you're a rule breaker,Potter, and it's time for your punishment.**

Harry looked bewildered, "What is up with this guitar thing? I don't play an instrument!"

 **Harry: What punishment?**

 **Umbridge: Oh it's nothing too bad, you just gotta take this knife, put it upright on a chair, AND SIT ON IT, POTSY!**

Draco rubbed his hands together, "Ha! I like that nickname, Potsy."

Harry barely look up at the blonde Slytherin, "Milfoy."

Draco sat back in his chair, dumbstruck, while Hermione patted his knee in comfort.

 **Neville: Excuse me, Miss.**

 **Umbridge: WHO DISRESPECTIN' UMBRIDGE?! YOU WANNA DIE, SCHLONGBOTTOM?!**

Neville threw his hands up, "Whoa! Calm down! And what's with the nickname 'Schlongbottom', huh?!" Neville begins ranting, "And why does everyone make fun of me so often?! WHY AM I THE BUTT OF EVERYONE'S JOKES?!" Ginny reached out to touch Neville but he scooted out of the way, "No! I want answers now! Preferably from Harry."

Harry sighed, "Neville we love you it's just that you're always there when we need to taunt someone so... I'm sorry." Everyone mimicked his apology and Neville sat back down and calmed himself.

 **Neville: N-n-no ma'am! I just came to deliver these.**

 **Umbridge: What are those? Speak, boy!**

Seamus pointed at Dean, "I command you to tell me who did this nice gesture that I definitely don't deserve!"

Dean stifled a laugh, "And once you finish with that you can rub my bunions and corn toes, it's been ages since I got that treatment!"

 **Neville: F-f-flowers, f-f-for you.**

 **Umbridge:** **F-f-flowers, f-f-for me? This must be some kind of mistake.**

"Just accept the flowers already!" cried Voldemort.

Harry frowned, "Keep your nose on, Voldy."

Voldemort stood up, "Say that to my face, Potsy!"

Harry likewise stood up, "I already have!" Voldemort reached for his wand, and on finding it missing, cursed and the two sat back down.

 **Neville: N-n-no mistake, ma'am. I was told explicitly to bring them to you.**

 **Umbridge: Put them on the ground and back away quickly!**

Lavender rolled her eyes, "She's behaving as if she has never received flowers before." Everyone in the room just stared at her, but finally Ginny broke the silence.

"You do remember the flowers were given to Umbridge, don't you?"

Lavender nodded, "Yes, I remember it quite vividly."

Ginny shook her head and spoke to the students, professors, and the dark lord, "She's a lost cause, guys."

 **Ron & Seamus: Whoa!**

 **Umbridge: They don't seem explosive, or poisonous. They smell absolutely delightful, and they're snapdragons! Oh my God, that is my favorite! Who could've known that?**

Luna was puzzled, "How could they have known that?"

Ron shrugged, "Probably just a lucky guess. I think that's the only possible reason."

 **Neville: Why don't you read the card, ma'am.**

 **Umbridge: Okay, little boy! It says 'Dear Umbridge,' that's me! 'I thought you might like these, cutie.' Oh my!**

Seamus looked concerned when he asked, "Dumbledore, are there any blind professors that we don't know about?"

Dumbledore scratched his beard, "I don't believe so.. perhaps one of the paintings? The Zefron poster?"

Dean shook his head quickly, "NO! Zac is way better than that!"

 **Neville: May I ask who this gentleman caller is?**

 **Umbridge: Sure! It's signed big D. I wonder who that could be! Thank you, little boy!**

Hermione laughed, "Certainly no one in here, especially not you, Voldy!" Voldemort mocked her laugh and sat back in his chair sulkily.

 ***Neville screams and runs away***

 **Oh, Potter! Um. What was I saying again?**

 **Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife.**

Voldemort grunts, "I wish he would do that every day."

 **Umbridge: Hahahahahaha! That's right! How silly of me. Well, it sounds like your momma got a little bit carried away with herself.**

Hermione shudders, "I wish she would stop calling herself that, it's really creeping me out."

Draco comforted her, "It's alright 'Mione, I'm sure she's just compensating for the less of never even getting to attempt to conceive a child. It will go away soon."

 **But she's not an unreasonable momma, in fact, she's pretty cool, right? Right! So what do you girls say we all go on down to Hogsmeade and have a little bit of fun, huh?**

"Maybe we'll shove curling irons up our perky little butt holes afterwards." said Parvati.

Cho nodded sarcastically, "Yes, that would just complete my day."

 **Hogsmeade, Hogsmeade, everyone! Have fun at Hogsmeade, have fun at Hogsmeade, have fun at Hogsmeade, have fun at Hogsmeade. Not you, Potter, you still need a permission form.**

 **Ron: Well, I'll tell you all about it, it's probably gonna suck.**

Harry looked in disbelief at Ron, "You know it would not suck, don't try and spare my feelings by lying."

Ron nodded, "I'll keep that in mind for the future?"

 **Harry: Bye, Ron. What's the matter, Malfoy, you're not going to Hogsmeade?**

 **Draco: Certainly not, it's beneath my dignity.**

Voldemort nodded proudly, "Good boy."

Draco plastered a smile on his face, "I try."

 **Harry: Whatever.**

 **Draco: *begins writing on paper* Dear, papa. I am writing to inquire about my Hogsmeade permission form. I sent it to you on the very first day of school, and I am anxiously awaiting its return with your signature on it.**

Voldemort laughed, "Now that's one good father right there!" Draco sagged in his seat, placing his head in his hands so that no one could see his reaction to how he is treated by his father.

Hermione hugged Draco, "It's going to be fine, Draco, you'll get through it."

 **But- but don't rush, daddy, missing out on trips like this allows me more time to write letters to you. Yes, things at Hogwarts are going quite swimmingly. I'm the most popular boy at school, why, even Harry Potter likes me.**

Harry faked a cough, "Cough lies cough cough."

 **I'm also the darling of every classroom and the favorite of every professor who has any sense. Oh, oh! Most importantly, I have mastered the use of the potty! Yes, yes I admit I was a late bloomer, but you can imagine my pride as I strolled into Charms class and said: oh, hello gents, Professor Flitwick, sorry for my tardiness, I was just learning how to use the potty! How the children laughed with me in celebration!**

"Weird," said Luna, "You never did that. Do you even know how to use the potty, Draco?"

Draco looked up with his tear stained face and his red rimmed eyes, "Luna, we have already decided we will no longer speak on this topic."

 **I like making people laugh, I also like the potty. I know you haven't done so all year, but you can feel free to write me anytime. Hugs and butterfly kisses, your Draco. Oh, p.s. tell momma to bugger off.**

 **Hedwig: Hoot Hoot! Seamus Finnigan! Letter for Seamus Finnigan!**

 **Draco: You there, bird.**

Neville scoffed, "The bird has a name you know."

 **Hedwig: Yes, Malfoy?**

 **Draco: Do you have anything in there for me? Perhaps from my daddy?**

"Oh no, did daddy not write to you?" taunted Seamus.

Dean nudged Seamus, "Not now, this obviously is painful for him. Learn when to shut up."

 **Hedwig: Well let's see here. Mmm nope, sorry kid, nothing from Lucius Malfoy.**

 ***Draco faceplants***

Everyone awes in sadness when Draco falls. "Poor child.", sympathized Snape.

 **Hey, cheer up, kid! Do you want a Toys R Us catalog?**

 **Draco: No! I just want to know why my daddy won't write!**

"He doesn't love you, I mean, you can't even use the restroom for Pete's sake!" yelled Voldemort.

Hermione turned red, "Oh shut up, snake face!"

 **Hedwig: Listen, kid, I don't have all the answers. I don't even know why I can talk, really. But as another talking animal once said: 'All fathers care for their sons.' So hang in there, okay?**

"What was that from?" asked Neville.

"Turtles in a half shell, turtle power." murmured Dean.

"What?" Neville was extremely confused now.

Dean brushed it off, "Oh, never you mind."

 **Draco: Thanks. Goodbye, Hedwig.**

 **Hedwig: Goodbye. CACKAW, CACKAW!**

"You know, I always thought an owl made a screech like sound.", said Neville.

In unison, all of the students, said "Nobody cares, Neville."

 ***Draco exits***

 **Lupin: Hey, Harry. Harry Potter. Hey. You wanna go to Hogsmeade or not?**

"The actor that played Lupin-" started Lavender whom was corrected by Hermione, "Brian Holden."

Lavender nodded, "Right, well he's kinda cute."

Cho agreed, "I think so too."

Luna sighed, "Don't we all."

 **Harry: Ugh, more than anything!**

 **Lupin: Well then feast your eyes on this! The marauder's map!**

"The what?" asked Cho. Dumbledore exhaled loudly, "Here we go again." With that, Dumbledore erased everyone's but Ginny's, Hermione's, Ron's, and Harry's memories once again.

 **Harry: What?**

 **Lupin: It shows the current location of everyone inside Hogwarts, and also has all the secret passages out of the castle. Here, take it.**

Cho scratched her head, "What shows the location?"

Harry quickly thought of something realistic, "The GPS shows the location." Everyone oh'd in realization.

 **Harry: Wow, who made this thing?**

 **Lupin: Well, I certainly helped. No, but it was me, your dad, some other guy, and Sirius Black.**

Voldemort chuckled to himself, "Some other guy is right."

 **Harry: You mean my dad's traitor best friend?**

 **Lupin: No, NO! I am your dad's traitor best friend! I'm your dad's traitor, NO! I am your dad's best friend, okay? Don't forget it.**

Snape leaned over to Dumbledore, "You know, I was Harry's dad's best friend."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled, "You don't say."

 **Snape: Hey, Lupin! Want to go look at the full moon with me? Ha, ha zombie!**

"He's a werewolf.." Hermione trailed off.

 **Lupin: Snape! Alright, Harry, I gotta go. Listen, just stay out of the Shrieking Shack, okay? I'm a werewolf in there.**

 **Harry: Wait, what?**

"Wow- that was a lot in 10 minutes." said Harry.

* * *

 **Hey, so I didn't know if you noticed but I made a whole lot more commentary and I plan on trying to keep as much as that in all of my future content. Sorry I didn't upload last week my dog now has cataracts so I've been with him 24/7 and I had solo ensemble last night which I am proud to say I received Superiors for both of my performances. This chapter was uploaded a little earlier basically because I found myself either binge watching Sherlock or sitting and doing nothing while awaiting tomorrows episode of Once Upon A Time. So, see you next update!**


	33. AVPS Act 1 Part 10

**Act 1 Part 10**

 **Umbridge: Alright, children, have fun at Hogsmeade! Oh, and don't get killed by Sirius Black!**

Harry did not look amused, "He wouldn't do that, you know. They're all just rumors."

Ginny patted Harry's leg, "We know, Harry, we know."

 **Mama sure does have some mischievous little scamps, doesn't she, big D?**

Hermione shuddered, "I just can't with the child thing, it's just so- so repulsing!"

 **Dumbledore: In case you were wondering, the D stands for my wiener.**

Everyone gasped and looked at Dumbledore, who merely shrugged.

"That's disgusting!" squealed Lavender. Snape shook his head, "Well, Ms. Brown, you have your preferences and I have mine. We'll just leave it at that."

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore, you sent me the Snapdragons, didn't you?**

 **Dumbledore: Oh yeah.**

Snape looked at Dumbledore, "You know my favorite flower, don't you?" Dumbledore nodded, "Lilies."

 **Umbridge: That was so sweet.**

 **Dumbledore: Well I am the headmaster, it's my job to make all the faculty at Hogwarts feel at home. So what do you say, Umbridge, how 'bout we hop on the good foot and head down to The Three Broomsticks, and I will treat you to the traditional welcome to Hogwarts body shot.**

Some of the innocent students sat confused so the voice took upon itself the duty to bring up the definition of body shot and read it aloud. "A body shot is a sexual way of doing shots of tequila off of the partner's body. I do not wish to read it any further, if you don't mind."

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore! Do you really do body shots off all the new teachers?**

 **Dumbledore: Only the handsome ones.**

Luna's brow knit together, "Doesn't she notice that he said handsome and not beautiful?"

Ron tipped his head to the side, "Maybe Mrs. Umbridge is a Mr. Umbridge."

Draco agreed, "That would definitely make sense."

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore! Making me blush.**

Seamus sat up, "I feel it."

"Feel what?" asked a confused Dean.

Seamus squinted, "A song is on the way."

 **Dumbledore: Oh yeah? I bet you're the one who gets all of the boys to buy you things.**

 **Umbridge: I'm sure that you've got all the girls to beg you for their wedding rings.**

Snape laughed, "Hardly!"

 **Dumbledore: What? I like your twisted humor!**

Luna pointed at nothing, "See! She doesn't even notice it!"

"Well, there really wasn't that big of a hint right there." Luna nodded, "That is true."

 **Umbridge: I like your mystic rumors.**

 **Both: I say we can assume we're gonna get along!**

Dumbledore shook his head, "This actor can't tell an ugly woman from a man?"

Snape patted Dumbledore's hand, "In all fairness, it is a man dressed as a woman and the man is rather sexy out of costume."

 **Umbridge: You're not like average Joe's or Jim's or Tim's or John's.**

Dumbledore had a disgusted look on his face when he said, "I would hope not! I dated a Tim once- it was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life."

Lavender nodded, "Same thing happened to me with a Jim."

Cho agreed, "Mine was with a Joe."

 **Dumbledore: And I'd wager that you'd never run from danger with those muscles made of bronze! I can safely shout without a doubt that it won't take very long...**

Voldemort guffawed, "Those aren't muscles, they're fat rolls! Umbridge was a whale!"

 **Both: Before we're getting and not regretting ever setting on gettin' along.**

 **Dumbledore: Right this way, Umbridge.**

 **Umbridge: Oh my, what a fancy place!**

Neville raised an eyebrow, "It's the same place, just the same stage."

Hermione put a finger on his lips, "Hush, the stage is a magical place."

 **Waiter: Oh, look at these strapping young gentlemen! What will it be, Dumbledore?**

Draco mocked Dumbledore, "Oh, you know, just the typical body shots."

 **Dumbledore: Oh, just the Welcome to Hogwarts Special.**

 **Waiter: Ah! Two body shots coming right up!**

Draco stood up, "Are you kidding me?!" Harry rolled his eyes, "We've seen some weird stuff in this musical, this really isn't much."

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore, this is so crazy!**

 **Dumbledore: I'm full of crazy ideas. Hey! By the way Umbridge, have you ever tried Gillyweed? We can have some of this and take a dip in our hidden swimming pool.**

Ginny tapped her chin, "I don't get it."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "It's referring to weed, a Muggle product, that they smoke like a cigarette or a pipe that makes you do some weird things."

 **Umbridge: Hidden swimming pool? Where's that?**

Ron shrugged, "I'm still trying to figure that out."

 **Dumbledore: On cloud nine, baby, ON CLOUD NINE!**

"Sounds like it's pretty far away, mine as well stop our search." said Harry and everyone agreed.

 ***little dance routine***

 **Both: Wee!**

"Best dance routine I've ever seen, don't you think so, Dean?" said Seamus.

Dean nodded, "Yes, quite marvelous, I wish there were an abundant amount of dancers just like them."

 **Dumbledore: You are a beautiful sample, for example, my gosh you're so strong! What's the matter with me?**

Voldemort chimed in an sang to the tune of the song, "You're just flaaaabby!"

 **Umbridge: Oh, you're just flattering me!**

Draco cringed, "That's the only thing you could flatter her on."

 **Both: Oh, how we're both just gettin' along!**

 **Umbridge: I've never felt this way before!**

Hermione's eyes widened, "She sure fell in love quick."

Ginny wagged her finger at her, "Don't you be surprised at that! The same thing happened to you and you know it!" Hermione sat back in her seat, grumbling.

 **Dumbledore: Felt how?**

 **Umbridge: Um, intimidated. You have such prominence and poise.**

Dumbledore laughed, "Poise? That's only because I'm not a late bloomer, most likely unlike her."

 **Dumbledore: Oh, that old thing? Baby, it's just me, Dumbledore. So just try to relax, face the facts, you'll feel just like one of the boys.**

 **Umbridge: One of the boys? I do.**

Luna writhed in her seat, "How long?! How long must I wait until she realizes that he likes men?!"

 **Dumbledore: Oh, you sure do, baby!**

Voldemort gagged, "I just can't."

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore! Yes sir, you're the one professor that I'd want detention from.**

"Make it stop!" cried Parvati.

 **Dumbledore: Umbridge, you're the handsome wizard that I'd want an extension from.**

"Bloody hell, these visions are disturbing!" screamed Ron.

 **Umbridge: And you'd get it too!**

 **Dumbledore: I'll, get the door!**

Everyone in the room was covering their mouth to keep from screaming.

 **Umbridge: Oh, you'll get much more!**

Harry was rocking back in forth in his seat, "No, no, no, no, no!"

 **Both: Either way we can't go wrong. With how shamelessly, and how famously we're both just gettin' along.**

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore? Before we go any further, there's a confession I have to make.**

"You're were born a man?" asked Ron.

Seamus began fist pumping, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

 **Dumbledore: Oh yeah?**

 **Umbridge: I've never been with a man before.**

Luna squealed, "Now she's talking as if she's gay! When will she know the truth, ugh!"

 **Dumbledore: Oh, well your first time with a man can be very scary, mine certainly was. But Grindlewald just took my hand and said 'Relax, Dumbie, be cool and go with the flow, you know?**

Harry stood up an pointed at the screen, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW HIS FIRST BOYFRIEND WAS GRINDLEWALD!"

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore, you know just what to say to make me feel magical. Most guys don't understand me at all.**

 **Dumbledore: Well, uh I think we understand each other perfectly, Mr. Umbridge!**

"SHE JUST SHRUGGED! MAKE THIS TORTURE END!" screamed Luna.

 **Both: We'll be get, get, gettin', we'll be get, get, gettin', gettin' along!**

"Wow," said Snape, "That was hard to watch."

* * *

 **I just now realized that I could make bars instead of typing out the O's. So this a mid-week gift from me to you just to thank you guys for continuing to be supportive of my story. See you next update which will be most likely this weekend!**


	34. AVPS Act 1 Part 11

**Act 1 Part 11**

 **Seamus: You guys ever hear the one about Sirius Black and Flitwick's little brother? So, Flitwick's little brother is walking down the streets of London, and Sirius Black- he's in the storm drain, dressed as a clown.**

Hermione tilted her head, "Why was he dressed as a clown? There's nothing that calls for that."

"Shh!" said Dean.

 **And he's like, 'Yo, hey, Flitwick's little brother, down here in this storm drain! It's me, a clown!' And Flitwick's little brother is like, 'Yeah, chap, what you want?'**

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Again, with the British stereotypes!"

Harry shrugged, "Well, sometimes we do talk like that so I don't see what the problem with it is."

 **And Sirius Black is like, 'Oh! Flitwick's little brother, you gotta get down to this storm drain with me 'cause you're missing out! We've got a carnival down here! We've got loads of cotton candy, and balloons!**

Seamus looked over to Hermione, "Get it now? He thinks ahead of time."

Hermione nodded, "Yeah, yeah whatever."

 **And the kid practically flips! He goes, 'I gotta get down there! That sounds like a right treat, that does!' So, he reaches down his arm, right? But Sirius Black, he grows his mad teeth, AND HE BITES THE KIDS' HEAD OFF!**

Luna gasped, "I wonder if it was quick and clean." Ron scooted a little farther away from her.

 ***Lavender cries***

 **And two days later, that kid died.**

Voldemort sat forward in his seat, "Huh, I thought he would've died right away. How did he get the pain and suffering to last so long?"

Draco stared at the dark lord, "Perhaps this is why I don't have many friends.

 **Dean: Man, that is the biggest piece of bullshit I ever heard.**

 **Cho: I think that's pretty scary, but have ya'll ever heard of the Shrieking Shack?**

Harry scoffed, "The Shrieking Shack is not that scary, however, the people inside of it are."

 **Ron: Shrieking Shack? My brother Fred says it's *gulps* haunted.**

 **Cho: That's right. It's the most haunted place in all of Great Britain- and it's right over yonder.**

Neville shudders, "I don't like that word." Seamus sat up, "What, yonder?" Neville nodded, "Yeah."

Seamus grinned and looked over at Dean, "Dean, would you guess what I saw over yonder today?" Dean shook his head, "Why no, my good man, I cannot for I have not visited yonder today." The taunting went on and on until the two were shut up by a very annoyed Snape, while Neville was left a mess.

 **Dean: Nah man, I hear they got monsters up in there.**

 **Seamus: Yeah? Oliver Wood lost a quaffle in there once. He went in to get it.. AND HE NEVER CAME OUT!**

Cho scratched her head, "I saw Oliver just last summer, he seems to be doing rather fine to me."

 ***Lavender cries some more***

 **Cho: Why don't we go check it out?**

 **Seamus: Are you nuts? No!**

Dean leaned over to Seamus and whispered, "Pussy."

Seamus likewise leaned over and whispered, "-Is what you don't get at night."

 **Cho: Come on, ya'll are Gryffindors! Where's your sense of Halloween adventure?**

Ginny bit her lip, "Well I mean Lavender is just over there crying at the mention of death, so..."

 **Ron: I got a right mind to stay out of that place on Halloween.**

 **Cho: Okay, how's about this? I will give a big fat kiss to whoever is brave enough to go up there and ring the doorbell. Anyone?**

Harry whispered to Ginny, "Would I get any STD's from her?"

Ginny elbowed him in the ribs, "Shut up, Harry."

 **Hermione: I'll do it.**

Draco's eyes widened, "Whoa, Hermione! I didn't know."

Hermione slapped his leg, "Oh, shut up!"

 **Ron: Herman?**

 **Hermione: I'm not afraid of the Shrieking Shack! Everything I've ever read tells me those urban legends are just old wives' tales.**

Hermione tapped her chin, "Old wives' tales? Magic is an old wives' tale in the Muggle world, yet here we are."

 **Cho: Yeah but see here's the thing, I'm not kissing you, Herman.**

 **Hermione: I don't want a kiss from you, Cho, I want something better.**

Draco sat back in his chair, obviously relieved.

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Calm down, Draco."

 **Seamus: Better than a kiss from Cho Chang?**

Harry raised his hand, "Oh, I have personal experience. I could name plenty of things better than a kiss from her.

 **Hermione: I want you to carry my books for the rest of the semester!**

"Woah!" Draco rolled his eyes.

Voldemort nodded his agreement, "Indeed, that is very intense. Maybe you should be a Death Eater, Mudblood."

 **Gryffindors: Ooooh!**

 **Cho: Okay, well, if we are raising the stakes, then ringing the bell just won't do. You have to go in there and DRAW us a picture of the monster!**

Ginny sat back in her seat, "But- but they know she can't draw."

Harry patted Ginny's shoulder, "Cho, you sick bastard!"

 **Hermione: What?! But you know that I can't draw! ...Without a pad of paper.**

"Way to fight it, Hermione!", yelled Luna.

 **Neville: Well, it just so happens I have a sketch pad right here.**

 **Hermione: Well, this is useless without a pencil.**

 **Neville: Well, you're lucky I came so prepared.**

"Neville is just that one kid who brings the taunts upon himself.", said Cho.

Hermione smiled a tight smile at the raven haired girl and said, "And you're the one slut that brings the boys upon her."

 **Hermione: Do I get a flashlight or something?**

 **Cho: Lumos.**

Hermione sat up, "Wait, so everyone knows what a flashlight is?"

Ron frowned, "Well gee, Hermione, we're wizards and witches, not bloody idiots."

"Sorry.", murmured Hermione.

 **Seamus: I know, she could shine it up through the back of the paper and trace it.**

"I tried that once," said Luna, "It did not turn out as well as expected." **  
**

 **Cho: No tracin', Herman, I'll be able to tell!**

 **Hermione: Alright! Well, here I go!**

Hermione directed her attention to Dumbledore, "Headmaster, what do you think of me changing my name to Herman? I think it would solve a lot of problems."

Dumbledore shrugged, "Do as you please, Ms. Granger."

 **Ron: Hermana-nana, Hermana, Hermana-noy! Wait, um, you don't have to do this, what's it gonna prove?**

Hermione nodded, "Yes, definitely changing my name to Herman."

 **Hermione: That maybe somebody in this school cares if I live or die!**

 **Cho: I wouldn't count on it!**

"That is very rude of you to say, Ms. Chang." said Snape.

Dumbledore squeezed Snape's hand, "That is kind of the reputation the play writers are going for, don't you think?"

 ***Wolf Howls***

 **Seamus: Bloody shit! What is that?**

Snape clapped his hands together in triumph, "Finally! Thank you, Mr. Finnigan! 10 points from Gryffindor!"

 **Dean: Let's get out of here!**

 ***Lavender cries even more***

"Blood hell!", exclaimed Ron, "How many tears do you have in those little slits of yours!"

Luna slapped Ron's arm, "Apologize, right now!" Ron murmured something inaudible and grudgingly apologized to Cho.

 **Harry: Whoa hey, whoa hey! What's going on?**

 **Ron: Whoa, Herman went into the Shrieking Shack and the monster that lives in there is pissed!**

Hermione passed around a certificate that read 'Herman Granger', "What do you think, guys?"

No one said anything, but instead whispered among themselves while a disgruntled Hermione sat back in her seat.

 **Harry: Well hey, Ron, we gotta go save her.**

 **Ron: But Harry, she's- she's not even our friend.**

Draco nodded, with his hand on his chin, "Yes, this is very realistic isn't it, Hermione?"

 **Harry: Ron, come on, man. Uh.. Her-her-may-nee**

 **Ron: Hermano?**

 **Both: Hermano, Hermano?**

 **Harry: Hermana?**

 **Ron: Hermoingo-oingo-boingo? Hermana-mana-nana?**

 **Harry: Hermano?**

 **Ron: Hermano nucleosis? Hermana?**

Throughout the name guessing, everyone sat there gaping at the fact that someone could fail that bad at pronouncing someone's name.

 **Both: AHHHHHHH!**

 **Hermione: AHHHH!**

 **Harry: Oh, it's just Herman.**

Voldemort grinned, "Hey, Herman, how'd you do on that last Potions paper?" Hermione was about to answer, but Voldemort interrupted her by continuing to call her Herman.

 **Ron: Herman, you're the monster?**

 **Harry: Quick! We gotta get outta here, there's another monster in here and this one's probably not as friendly!**

Dean drummed his fingers on his thigh, "I feel like, in the Muggle world, Harry would be that surfer dude and Ron would be his unlucky friend who always tags along but is never truly appreciated."

Seamus put a hand on Dean's shoulder, "Is that how you feel? Because that was really deep."

Dean just rolled his eyes and shrugged Seamus' hand off of his shoulder.

 **Hermione: Oh good idea, let's go! Hey, what's this? It's Lupin's broach! But, why is it in the Shrieking Shack?**

 **Harry: Yeah, especially since he told me to stay out of here.**

Hermione threw her hands in the air, "You know what? I'm just done."

 **All: Yeah..**

 **Lupin in Wolf Form: GRRRRR!**

 **Ron: Harry? It's a- it's a-**

 **All: A VAMPIRE!**

"Oh yeah, definitely!", said Neville sarcastically.

 **Hermione: What do we do?!**

 **Harry: I have my wand in my bag!**

 ***Crookshanks bites Harry's hand***

"That one person that's always there when least necessary." ,said Seamus nudging Dean. Dean looked at Seamus, clearly annoyed, and then returned his attention to the screen.

 **All: AHHHHHH!**

 **Harry: You like this? You like this? Then go get it!**

Ginny squealed, "Poor Crookshanks!"

 **Hermione: No, Crookshanks!**

 **Ron: Quick, let's go while it's distracted!**

Draco face palmed, "How much longer til they realize it's Lupin?"

* * *

 **Hey! So I'm sorry that I did not upload this over the weekend but I was actually in a car all day and could not. It is my Spring Break and I will try to upload this weekend, but I make no promises because that is the day I am leaving and going back home so I'll just see how much is done on Friday night.**

 **Until next update!**


	35. AVPS Act 1 Part 12

**Act 1 Part 12**

 **Harry: Let's go hide in the woods!**

Draco clapped his hands together and sarcastically added, "Yes, what a fantastic idea! I mean, there's no creatures in there."

 **Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's the Forbidden Forest, all sorts of creepy creatures live in there.**

Draco sat back in his chair and huffed, "My point exactly."

 **Harry: Well it's either here or the Shrieking Shack, so let's go.**

"The Shrieking Shack isn't even that bad.", mumbled Harry.

Snape nodded his agreement, "I agree, Mr. Potter, it was quite a cozy little shamble."

 **Ron: I can't believe it! We're going from the scariest place in the world to the scariest place in the world.**

 **Harry: Let's take cover behind this fallen tree here.**

Voldemort sighed, "Total imbeciles- that's what they are. If it were me, I would have blasted the tree and then blasted them."

 **Ron: Are you alright, Herman?**

 **Hermione: Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright, Ron?**

Ginny frowned, "What about Harry?"

 **Ron: I will be- after a Red Vine.**

"Are they getting paid to endorse that product?", asked Luna.

Ron shook his head, "Absolutely not! They just genuinely love Red Vines that much.

 **Harry: Listen, Hermano, why would you go in the Shrieking Shack if you knew there was a monster in there? Aren't you the one that's always telling us not to go out and do dangerous stuff, never to have any kind of-**

Harry sighed dreamily, "Just like first year. Ah yes, those were the days."

Hermione scowled, "That was my least favorite year."

 **Hermione: Fun?**

 **Harry: Yeah! Oh, yes.**

 **Hermione: You know, I just thought that if for once if I did something crazy then maybe you guys would like me.**

Voldemort sat on the edge of his seat, "Well, that's just idiotic."

 **Ron: Yeah, well you thought** **wrong.**

Harry grinned, "Again, just like first year."

 **Harry: No, no listen, Hermione.**

Everyone in the room gasped, even Voldemort.

 **Hermione: You- you said my name right.**

 **Harry: Just now, did I?**

"Oh no," said Ginny, "He's gonna try again and chop it up terribly."

 **Hermione: Yeah!**

 **Harry: Herman Munster?**

Dean hummed to himself, "I thought that was a pretty cool show."

 **Hermione: That is close enough.**

 **Harry: Listen, you don't need to pretend to be something you're not just to get people to like you. I mean, just look at me.**

Draco laughed, "What's there to look at, Potter?"

Voldemort gave his nod of approval to Draco and high-fived him, "Well done, Malloy."

 **Hermione: Yeah, but you're Harry Potter.**

 **Harry: -Yes, but maybe in the Wizarding World that's true, but in the Muggle World- I'm just a.. I'm something called a douche bag.**

Hermione went pale, "Harry, I really don't think you're used for that purpose."

Seamus shook his head, "I could see it."

 **Hermione: A what?**

 **Harry: A douche bag, Herman. I play guitar when everybody just wants to hang out and... I make weird covers of Disney songs. Who does that? See, see Muggles hate that shit. To them I'm just a douche bag- I'm like, I don't know, I'm like Jesse McCartney? I'm like Jesse McCartney. I'm Jesse McCartney's douche.**

Cho gasped, "No! I love Jesse McCartney!"

Parvati scratched her head, "How do you even know who he is?"

Cho's eyes turned dark, "How do you not?"

 **Ron: I've got a confession to make, too. Back home, around my brothers, I'm kinda of a douche bag too. I'm like Shia Labeouf, the Prince Douche.**

"Wait, he isn't dead Shia surprise!" said Dean. Everyone stared at the student, but no one commented on what on Earth just came out of his mouth.

 **Harry: But hey, that's okay, because at Hogwarts it's cool to be who you are, it's cool to be unique, that's alright. So, hey, maybe you're not very pretty- like Cho Chang. Maybe you're not as fun, like Ron.**

 **Ron: Or cool, like Snape.**

Snape nodded at Ron, "Damn straight, Mr. Weasley."

 **Harry: You know what? You are smart! Like Hermione. And I for one would love to have a friend who could do my Ancient Runes essay.**

"What a great purpose for a friend.", said Ginny, rolling her eyes.

 **Hermione: You mean it?**

 **Harry: Yup, 'cause it's due tomorrow.**

Hermione sighed, "I hope I'm more to you than that."

"Definitely.", Harry assured her.

 **Hermione: Harry! Ron! Come here!**

 **Ron: Oh my God, you're so soft!**

"I swear- at least get together in the musical.", said Ginny.

Draco smirked, "Well, maybe I'll swoop in and steal her in the musical too."

 **Harry: Thanks.**

 **Hermione: You guys really like me?**

 **Harry: Well there's just some things in life you can't go though without becoming friends afterwards, namely one of them being taking on a twelve foot vampire.**

"It's a werewolf.", said Voldemort flatly.

 ***Lupin pops out***

 **All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

 **Harry: We're dead as shit, we're dead!**

"Geez, calm down, Harry.", said Seamus.

 **Ron: I regret nothing!**

 **Hermione: I'm in love with you both!**

Ginny clapped her hands together happily, "I knew it!"

 ***Firenze gallops out***

 **Firenze: None shall harm Harry Potter whilst I still draw breath! Back, back you cowardly thing! Run, you creature of the night and know that these woods belong to the Centaurs and their kin! Do not worry, Harry Potter and co, the beast is gone.**

"Look at his tiny horse body!", squealed Lavender.

 **Harry: Who are you?**

 **Firenze: Rise. Call me Firenze. It in the Centaur tongue means friend.**

"I could go for a centaur.", said Cho, thinking aloud. Lavender nodded, "Same here."

 **Harry: Thank you. How did you know-**

 **Firenze: Know to save you? The leader of my tribe is a wise and powerful being. He has seen the future, and has charge the Centaurs with your protection, Harry, for you are destined for great things.**

"You can have the leader, I'll take Firenze.", said Lavender. Cho pursed her lips, "But what if I want Firenze?"

Lavender rolled her eyes, "He's mine." And so the bickering began.

 ***Ron strokes Firenze's back***

 ***Firenze shudders***

"So. Weird.", gasped Luna.

Draco raised an eyebrow, "You're one to talk."

 **Hermione: I read that Centaurs were close to extinct but I never thought I'd get to see one in real life.**

 **Firenze: It is true, we Centaurs are a dying breed. Due to a magical plague many moons ago, all females of our kind have perished. We have long searched for a human mate, but none have ever survived.**

Lavender and Cho had stopped bickering for a little while, but it ensued again over who could survive mating with a centaur.

 **Harry: Like what, what do they have to survive?**

 **Firenze: Survived coitus, Harry.**

Draco grinned a sly smile, "I bet Hermione could."

Harry and Ron covered their ears and in unison said, "Shut up, Malfoy!"

 **Harry: What's coitus?**

 ***Hermione whispers to Harry what coitus is***

 **Harry: Oh, they died because of your giant horse dong.**

Lavender's mouth opened wide, "Where's Firenze even at right now."

Snape was tired of Lavender and Cho and yelled, "Shut up and quit worrying over mythical creatures that are out of your league."

 ***Ron gets on all fours and looks underneath the Centaur***

 **Harry: Ah, that's- that's funny.**

 **Firenze: Yes, it sounds like a funny problem- but it's actually not.**

Hermione nodded, "I would say so."

 **Harry: Oh, I'm so sorry.**

 **Firenze: It's alright. Listen, we've got to get you kids back to Hogwarts castle. Harry, unless the stars are mistaken, you've got a Quidditch game that you must be well rested for.**

Seamus rubbed his hands together, "Ooh! I'm so psyched for that scene!"

 **Harry: Wow thanks, Firenze, you're so cool.**

 **Firenze: I sure am! Well, get on my back. To Hogwarts!**

"That flying position, though.", laughed Parvati.

* * *

 **Hey so I hope you like that chapter. I recently became addicted to this show called Stitchers and it's so great and the ships are just amazing! Also, there's a Once Upon A Time episode tonight with Gaston in it and I've been waiting for him to show up since season 1 and ugh I'm just so excited!**

 **Until net update!**


	36. AVPS Act 1 Part 13

**Act 1 Part 13**

 **Rita: Good morning, Wizarding World! Rita Skeeter here, reporting to you live from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It's dawn out here on the Quidditch field as we prepare to bear witness to the epic battle between peewee Gryffindor and Slytherine teams. Today, dear readers, it will be decided which team deserves to be remembered as champions and who will forever be disgraced as eternal weenies.**

Harry pointed towards Draco and his friends, "That's you."

 **Why, what do we have here? You there! Nerd! What can you tell us about this gruesome site, young man?**

Luna raised an eyebrow, "Is that a decoy deer?"

Ginny rolled her eyes, "No, it's a live deer, because that's totally safe."

 **Neville: Well that's our coach, Professor Lupin. It appears he has killed a beautiful doe in some kind of blood lust.**

Hermione shuddered, "Poor deer."

 **Lupin: Whoa! Oh God help me. What the? Who'd I kill?**

Snape shook his head, "Is that a normal thing for him?"

Voldemort shrugged, "I don't know about anyone else, but it sure is for me."

 **Rita: Good morning, Mr. Lupin, my name is Rita Skeeter and I'm a reporter for the Daily Prophet.**

 **Lupin: Oh, hi.**

"Yeah, this is definitely routine." said Seamus.

 **Rita: Care to explain what is going on here?**

 **Lupin: Well, I think everybody is just getting excited for a nice game of Quidditch. I know my team's raring to go.**

Harry gave a thumbs up and sarcastically added, "You know it, coach!"

 **Rita: No, I'm referring to the slaughtered doe, and the fact that your entire person is soaked in blood.**

"I wouldn't say his entire person," said Voldemort, "I'd say mostly his lower half- I really hope he didn't do what I think he did to that deer, even I'm not that cruel."

 **Lupin: Uh, well... Well, uh... It's tradition! Yes, it's tradition that every game before the match, the Gryffindor peewee Quidditch team kill a defenseless doe and devour it. Uh, in doing so we are able to absorb the power and ferocity of a doe. That's pretty cool. Huh, Schlongbottom?**

Neville sighed, "You know what? I'm starting to get used to that nickname anyway."

 **Neville: That's Bambi's mom.**

Hermione felt tears coming, "That was such a sad movie!"

Draco patted her back, "There, there."

 **Lupin: Okay. Ha ha. Just eat the doe, Schlongbottom.**

 **Neville: I couldn't!**

 **Lupin: Eat it! Num num na, num num. That's good.**

Parvati stared, gaping as Lupin forced Neville to eat the corpse.

 **Rita: Mi mi mi- Mr. Lupin. Mr. Lupin. Its widely rumored that you are engaged in a heated quarrel with a one Severus Snape. What do you make of the allegations made by Professor Snape that you are, and I quote,'Unfit to teach children, are a danger to yourself and others, have never graduated Hogwarts and are a washed up.. loser.'**

Snape sat back in his seat, "Couldn't have said it better."

 **Lupin: That's bullsh*t! I mean- those are half truths. Listen, you can.. you can tell Snape that he's a jerk! And you can quote me on that!**

Snape dramatically clutched his chest, "Oh Merlin, that one sure hurt my feelings."

 **Rita: Why dear readers, I am starstruck! Entering the scene is none other than Harry Freakin' Potter, the Gryffindor Seeker!**

Ginny grinned, "I'm starstruck too."

Ron scowled, "Can you please keep in mind that I'm still here?"

 **Harry: How's it hanging, Daily Prophet?**

 **Rita: Harry, kid, good luck on the game.**

 ***Rita slaps Harry and Ron's butts***

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, "I would have to wash my buttocks about 50 times for them to ever be the same again."

 **It's time for spectators to take their seats for what's shaping up to be a truly remarkable game of Quidditch. Rita Skeeter signing off!**

 **Dumbledore: Severus, what's the goofiest thing you've ever done? Because I bet I just topped it!**

Seamus tapped his chin, "I've run around my home butt naked before- but I've done worse."

Dean nodded, "Tell me about it."

 **Snape: I doubt it. My actions led directly to the death of the only thing I've ever loved.**

Harry groaned, "Will I ever not be reminded about that?"

Snape shrugged, "There's always the possibility that you wouldn't be here because of me because Lily wouldn't have gone for him unless I hadn't had called her a Mudblood- but I wouldn't have gotten with Dumbledore so.."

 **Dumbledore: This is probably twice as funny as that, Severus! I was just at Hogsmeade, treating Professor Umbridge to the traditional welcome to Hogwarts body shot, you know?**

 **Snape: Of course.**

Snape laughed, "Body shots with Dumbledore really are fun."

 **Dumbledore: And the two of us really hit it off. There was this little song, little dance. To make a long story short, we ended up going home together.**

 **Snape: Oh, headmaster!**

Draco rolled his eyes, "I don't want to hear more about what happened."

 **Dumbledore: Severus, let me finish. So Umbridge slips out of that hideous outfit and would you believe it- Professor Umbridge, get this, is a woman!**

 **Snape: No!**

Ron's mouth was hanging open, "Wait- are you serious?"

Voldemort laughed, "I thought the same thing when I found out!"

 **Dumbledore: Oh yeah!**

 **Snape: What did you do?**

"He probably magicked his way on out of there." said Draco.

 **Dumbledore: Well the first thing that came out of my mouth was, 'Ahhhhhhhh!' Then I did the only thing that would make the whole situation less awkward for everybody.**

 **Snape: What's that?**

 **Dumbledore: I disapparated.**

Draco smiled triumphantly, "I was right."

 **Snape: No!**

 **Dumbledore: Yeah, I did.**

"Classic." said Snape, while smirking.

 **Snape: Oh headmaster, I told you, you have to deal with these things. It's like that one time I made out with Professor Grubbly-Plank. She got- clingy. You have to confront them, tell them they "don't have what you're looking for".**

Lavender gagged, "Oh gods, an image just popped up in my head."

 **Dumbledore: Severus, these things just tend to blow over. It was like that time when everyone was complaining, "Hey Dumbie, you have to expel Tom Riddle from Hogwarts, 'cause he's evil. And I just told them to stuff it, and eventually everything jut worked itself out. Just like that, you know?**

Voldemort nodded, "Exactly, I'd say things worked out pretty well."

 ***Phone ringing***

 **God, I'm blowing up. *Checks phone* Oh goddammit!**

"Is that a phellytone?" asked Ron.

Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes, "You mean a telephone? Yes, Ron, yes it is."

 **Snape: What?**

 **Dumbledore: It's a text from Umbridge! It says, 'we need to talk, colon right parenthesis'.**

Draco was working out what a colon right parenthesis would look like by drawing it in the air. Suddenly, he jumped up, "Hey! 'Colon right parenthesis' makes a smiley face!"

Hermione sarcastically applauded him, "Good job, Draco!"

 **Snape: Oh hahahahaha! Oh, I do not envy you!**

Harry scoffed, "I bet he could say the same thing about you."

 ***Phone rings***

 **Oh sorry, that's me. What the devil?!**

Snape sat up, "I never say that- but it is kind of catchy. Maybe I will start."

 **Dumbledore: What?**

 **Snape: It's a BBM from Umbridge! 'Are you with Dumbledore? Did he get my text?' Now you drag me into this?!**

Ginny laughed, "That was Harry and I when Ron and Hermione thought they liked each other."

 **Dumbledore: If you ignore it, maybe she'll just go away.**

"I thought the same thing about Viktor- that didn't work too well." said Hermione.

 ***Door opens***

 **Umbridge: Did you get my text?**

 **Dumbledore: Hey, yes.**

Seamus ad Dean were getting agitated and in unison yelled, "Just blow her off already!"

 **Umbridge: Well, you didn't text me back. And you left so quickly last night that I didn't get a chance to say-**

 **Dumbledore: Yeah, about that.**

Cho was gaping while smiling, "She's gonna say it, I just know it!"

 **Umbridge: -That last night was the most amazing night of my life.**

Cho was on the edge of her seat, "Here it comes!"

 **Dumbledore: Oh yeah?**

 **Umbridge: I love you.**

Cho jumped up, "I so called that one!"

 **Dumbledore: Ahhhhhhhhhh!**

"That's what she said." snickered Seamus. Dean raised an eyebrow, "I don't think that joke works for that line."

 **Umbridge: Yeah, me too!**

 **Snape: Oh god, I can't watch this. Listen, Umbridge, the headmaster is terrible with confrontation. What he's trying to say is that really he's just not that into you.**

Dumbledore laughed, "Snape truly is the- what do you call it again? Oh yes, the real MVP.

 **Umbridge: WHAT?! You don't know a goddamn thing about our magical night together, you f*cking little Snape in the grass. He loves me, he's the only man who loves me. We're gonna be happy- and you're gonna die!**

Ron wiped away an imaginary tear, "That really is true love."

 **Dumbledore: Umbridge, Umbridge, Umbridge, stop! He's right, he's right.**

Lavender covered her mouth, "Oh no, here comes the waterworks! Her tears are probably going to cause another flood!"

 **Umbridge: What?**

 **Dumbledore: I don't wanna be with you. I was only hitting on you because I thought you were a sexy man. Maybe if you were a man, I-**

Hermione examined her nails, "I think being a woman is something to take pride in."

 **Umbridge: No! No..I'm proud to be a woman. I am a strong woman. Hear me smash. *lightly stomps feet***

The girls in the room cheered, "You go, Umbridge!"

 **Dumbledore: Umbridge, I'm sorry. I just made a big goofy. I'm sorry if I got your hopes up, and I'm sorry if I went around telling everybody about our sexual exploits- I only did it because I thought it would make them laugh. I mean they did laugh- a lot! I mean come on, it's funny.**

"But they didn't even have sex, he disapparated, remember?" said Ginny.

Harry shrugged, "They still did body shots though."

 **Umbridge: *wipes at eyes* No. What are these? Tears? No. Umbridge, you don't cry. Umbridge don't cry. You don't cry. Yes, you do cry! You do cry, you chubby little f*ck! That's all I am is a chubby little f*ck!**

Luna began crying, "No you aren't, you're much more than that!"

 **Snape: Are you crying? Is she crying?**

 **Dumbledore: She's laughing. I mean, it is pretty funny.**

Ginny scoffed, "Insensitive pricks!"

 ***The two laugh and high five***

 **Umbridge: *rages* YAHHHH! I will destroy you! I will grind your bones to make my bread! I will erase everything that you ever were! And I will have your job. Mark my words, Dumbledore! I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB!**

Cho smiled, "Now that's the Umbridge I'm used to."

 ***Umbridge runs away***

 **Dumbledore: So, uh, Severus, who do you think is going to win the big game, huh?**

Voldemort sighed, "It's a peewee Quidditch game, it's not the least bit intense as my usual exploits. I mean-"

Harry put up a hand to silence Voldemort, "Not now, baldy."

 **Snape: Gryffindor, sadly.**

 **Dumbledore: Oh, good.**

Ron and Harry high fived, "Snape knows what he's talking about!"

 **Snape: Draco is such a little sh*t.**

Draco smiled tightly, "Yup, that's me."

 **Lucius: Tell me about it.** **Dumbledore: Hey, Lucius! *exits***

Dumbledore laughed, "You know, Mr. Malfoy, I used to call your dad Lucifer, you could easily mix them up."

 **Lucius: Hey.**

 **Snape: Why, Lucius Malfoy.**

 **Lucius: It's been a long time, Severus.**

Harry threw his hands in the air, "I mean, we haven't gone Muggle hunting with Voldemort together in such a long time! How's your Dark Mark treating you?"

 ***Snape puts hand out to shake and Lucius fakes it but has it come back after making a big loop***

Hermione giggled, "Classy."

 **Snape: I didn't expect to see you here. I received a letter saying you would be too busy to attend any games this year.**

 **Lucius: Yes, I am... in a way. But you know how I love Quidditch, I never miss a game. Especially one whose outcome means a great deal to me.**

Dean snickered, "What was the point in coming? We all know who the winner will be already."

 **Snape: Oh yes? And what's so important about this particular Quidditch game?**

 **Lucius: Well, let's *tap* just *tap* say *tap*- I've made a large wager that weighs heavily on the outcome of this game. Which is why I hope you won't object, I've made some last minute replacements to your team.**

Luna tapped her chin, "Draco, was your father some type of dancer?"

Draco slumped down in his chair, "I don't want to talk about it, it's a personal matter."

 **Snape: Replacements?**

 **Lucius: Yes, let me introduce you. Yaxley!**

"Who names their kid Yaxley?" asked Seamus.

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Any good parent."

 **Yaxley: Hey, coach.**

 **Lucius: Here they are. All new transfers to Hogwarts and all exceptional Quidditch players.**

"They come with neat masks too!" added Lavender.

 **Snape: Hi.**

 **Lucius: Yes, now why don't you run along and tell your team they'll be sitting this game out.**

Harry encouraged the fellow Gryffindors in the room, "We're still going to win though."

 **Snape: As you wish, Lucius.**

 **Lucius: Now boys, remember, do whatever you can to knock Potter off his broom. Make sure the fall is fatal. And don't forget that when we get on that field-**

"Choreography?" asked Cho hopefully.

 ***Draco enters***

 **Draco: It's my daddy! Daddy, daddy, you came to love me!**

"What is your home life like, Draco?" asked Ron.

Draco sneered at him, "Well I can tell you I don't share everything with 7 other people so most likely my home life is better than yours."

Ron tilted his head side to side, "Touche."

 **Lucius: Point you toes, tuck your pelvis, chin up!**

 **Draco: Daddy, look I drew you a picture. It's me on the potty! That's you in the background and you're saying 'that's my son'! And then the potty, it says 'than you, Draco, even potties need to eat'! I like that shading on your hair.**

Neville laughed, "Look at his tiny wee-wee! Pathetic, Malfoy!"

 **Yaxley: Best I've ever seen.**

 **Lucius: Nobody asked you.**

 **Yaxley: You didn't trace this or nothing?**

"Why is he so obsessed with a drawing by an 11- year- old?" asked Harry.

 **Draco: No.**

 **Yaxley: Wow, take a look at this, fellas. Look at this right here with the paintbrush.**

 **Death Eater: Is that cross hatching I detect?**

"It seems that they are very broad in their knowledge of art." said Dumbledore.

 **Lucius: *gracefully kicks in the air* SILENCE! Get out of here, you cretin! And don't forget to kill Harry Potter!  
**

Hermione nodded, "Nice."

 **Yaxley: Can I hang onto this?**

 **Lucius: Keep it. And you- *points at Draco with foot* you listen to me, you little poof, you better not screw this up. *Turns and gracefully runs out***

 **Draco: I won't. I won't, Daddy, I won't! You'll see, you'll love me after this. I'll catch that snitch! Mark my words! When I'm on the- hey!**

Ron applauded the screen, "That's one great ending!"

* * *

 **So sorry this is a week late! I'm really wrapped up in projects and one is an independent study and I have to draw 12 Disney movie posters and color and add colored box office numbers and it's just so time consuming, plus softball has started back up and volleyball camps are popping up and etc. I could go on for a while. Anyway, don't forget to review it and see you next update!**


	37. AVPS Act 1 Part 14

**Act 1 Part 14  
**

 **Dumbledore: Let the games begin!**

 ***Cho whistles***

Seamus elbowed Dean, "I bet you wish you were that whistle."

Dean rolled his eyes, "You know I'm not over _her_ yet." He said, obviously referring to the beautiful red head curled up in Harry's arms.

 **Dean: Oh snap! Oh snap! Ya'll better watch out!**

 ***Gryffindors begin singing with matching choreography***

"Whoo!" yelled Ron, "Those are some amazing dance moves!"

 **Gryffindors: Somebody's goin' down.** **Somebody's going down, it ain't gonna be us! Somebody's gonna lose, Somebody's gonna lose. It ain't gonna be us!**

 ***Slytherins follow also with singing and beautiful choreography***

Voldemort raised an eyebrow, "Come on, you can do better than that."

Snape scoffed, "As if you could do any better."

Voldemort preceded to stand up and dance like no one had ever seen before, leaving everyone in awe.

 **Slytherins: We're gonna kick your ass!**

 **Gryffindors: Somebody's gonna lose, somebody's going down.**

Hermione wrinkled her nose, "They're just singing the same things over and over again."

Draco shrugged, "It's still just as beautiful. We wear the same uniforms every day, it's basically the same thing."

 **Slytherins: We're gonna kick your ass! You're going down, going down!**

 **Gryffindors: It ain't gonna be us! Somebody's gonna lose,**

Luna hummed quietly along with the words.

 **Slytherins: We're gonna kick your ass!**

 **Gryffindors: Somebody's gonna lose, it ain't gonna be us.**

 **Slytherins: You're going down, going down.**

Hermione sighed, "Almost finished?"

 ***Both Houses dance with grace***

 ***Cho whistles***

Draco patted Hermione's back, "Happy, my lady?"

Hermione grinned, "I like that nickname."

 **Dean: C'mon Gryffindor!**

 ***Whistle, point for Slytherin***

Harry rolled his eyes, "Now this play is really unrealistic."

 **Dean: C'mon!**

 ***Whistle, point for Slytherin***

 **Draco: Ah!**

 **Harry: Aah!**

"This is the most intense game of Quidditch I have ever seen.", said Ginny.

Parvati nodded, "Same here."

 ***Whistle, point for Slytherin***

 **Cho: That's half time, ya'll.**

Voldemort raised an eyebrow, "I find it impossible that the Slytherins are winning, however, they do have adult team players so it all kind of works itself out. Cheating is the best way to win things."

 **Hedwig: Moo moo moo! Package for Harry Potter! Moo!**

A deep crease formed in between Luna's eyebrows, "Doesn't he mean 'Hoo'?

 **Lucius: You there, bird! What've you got there?**

 **Hedwig: Urgent package, sir, for HP. You seen him?**

Harry grinned, "I think I would like to be called HP now."

Draco snickered, "What? For hairy pubes?"

Ron rolled his eyes, "Was that the best you got, Malloy?"

 **Lucius: Oh, I can sign for it, I'm a family friend.**

Dumbledore sat forward so fast, he scared some of the students "Hardly!"

 **Hedwig: Thanks, buddy, you're really helping me out.**

 **Lucius: I'll make sure he gets it!**

"I really doubt he will.", said Hermione.

 ***Hedwig leaves***

 **Lucius: NOOOOOTTT! Let's see, what have we got here? Oh! I hate to ruin Christmas, Potter, but this is one package you won't be getting.**

 ***Hermione enters***

 **Hermione: Hey! That belongs to Harry Potter!**

Lavender frowned and muttered, "Snitch."

 **Lucius: So what if it does? What makes you think I'd give it to you? Oh! I know you! You're that filthy little mud-**

 **Hermione: JELLY LEGS JINX!**

Draco's jaw dropped, "My father's too good of a wizard to let that defeat him!"

Hermione scooted away, "Calm down."

 **Lucius: Whoa!**

* * *

 **Lupin: What the hell was that?! You guys are making me look like an idiot out there!**

Snape examined his fingernails, "Well there must not be any truth to that I suppose."

 **Dean: Nah man, it's those Slytherin dudes. They're just too fast!**

 **Neville: I give up!**

Seamus put his hands in front of him and said, "Schlongbottom the Quitter. Yes, that does sound about right." But Neville only scowled at him.

 **Lupin: No, NO! You are not allowed to give up!**

 **Ron: I give up too!**

Ron sighed, "Don't even start with me, Seamus."

 **Harry: I give up three!**

 **Lupin: Harry, no.**

Dumbledore stroked his beard, "Indeed, this play is only realistic in some parts of it."

 **Harry: I'm sorry, man. If I could catch up to those asshole Slytherins for like maybe two seconds, maybe I could catch the snitch. But it's like Dean said, they're just, they're too fast.**

Voldemort bolted upright in his chair, "Hey! We prefer Slytherin douche bags. Geez."

 **Dean: Well, Imma go tell Madam Hooch that we quit.**

 **Lupin: Dean.**

Seamus was about to open his mouth, but Dean flicked his wand to stop whatever he was going to say from coming out of his mouth.

 **Dean: Sorry, Coach.**

 **Lupin: Dean, please give us another chance!**

Ginny clapped one hand open and closed three times, "Baby bye, bye, bye."

 **Hermione: Guys wait, Dean wait. Look, this package just came in for Harry, and trust me, you're gonna wanna look what's inside.**

 **Harry: Gather around, chums.**

Excitement gleamed in Harry's eyes, "I think I know what's inside the package!"

Draco smirked, "What? A dildo?"

Harry turned beet red, "I don't want to talk about that."

Ginny shook her head, "Neither do I."

Ron just sat blinking.

 **Neville: Oh dear.**

 **Seamus: Bloody tits!**

Luna shuddered, "The image of that is repulsing."

"I'd like to see.", said Ron sheepishly.

 **Dean: I ain't seeing this!**

 **Harry: What is it?**

 **Ron: Harry, this is a firebolt!**

"A doi.", said Voldemort.

 **Dean: The greatest present in all the kingdom!**

 **Seamus: That's the fastest broom in the world, that is!**

 **Ron: They say that when it takes off, even wizard god himself can't follow.**

Hermione gasped, "You can't follow it, Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore shook his head gravely, "I'm afraid not."

 **Lupin: Uh, guys, I think we're still in this game. What'd ya say, Dean?**

 **Dean: Alright, aight.**

 **Lupin: There we go, we got Dean!**

Dean smiled, satisfied, he allowed Seamus to speak again.

 ***Hermione tries joining in***

 **Lupin: Please, this is for us. Alright, team cheer on three, ready. One! Two! Three!**

Seamus cupped his hands around his mouth, "Ha! Rejected!"

 ***All yell different words beginning with G***

 **Hermione: Good luck, Harry! And, uh, good luck to you too, Ron. I think you're really a great keeper. *Hermione hugs Ron***

 ***Ron's broom sticks up, so he pushes it back down***

Draco stared at Ron menacingly, "Don't even try, ginger."

Ron stuck his tongue back out at Draco.

 **Hermione: Okay, bye.**

 **Ron: *sits on broom* Bye, ow. Ow, bye. Ow.**

Hermione clapped her hands together, obviously enjoying herself.

 **Harry: Alright, boys, let's go.**

 ***Game begins***

 **Harry: What? What? No way!**

Neville sat up on his knees chanting, "Go! Go! Go!"

 **Death Eater: Waugh. Woahhh woahhhh!**

 **Harry: Oh! The Snitch!**

 **Lucius: *In slow motion* KILL HIM! KILL HIM!**

"Nice touch.", said Cho.

 **Yaxley: AVADA-**

 ***Draco knocks Yaxley aside in an effort to get to the Snitch***

 **Lucius: NOOOO!**

Voldemort folded his arms and sat back in his chair, "Draco, you little sh*t"

 **Harry: No! Get out of here!**

 **Draco: Ugh!**

Ginny grinned, "My man is better."

Hermione nodded, "I won't even attempt arguing that fact."

 **Harry: Take this! *hits Draco with Firebolt***

 **Draco: I'M BLEEDING!**

Ginny high fived Harry, "You go, Harry!"

 **Lupin: *In slow motion* HARRY, CATCH THAT SNITCH!**

 ***In slow motion, Harry catches the Snitch***

Draco rolled his eyes, "Surprise, surprise."

 **Rita Skeeter: Harry Potter's caught the Snitch, Gryffindor wins!**

 ***Everyone cheers***

 **Gryffindor: GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFF-**

Dumbledore nodded, "Just like every day."

 **Lupin: *mocks Snape being a butt trumpet* Who looks stupid now? You do! *high fives Ron*  
**

"Whoo!" ,shouted Seamus.

 **Snape: You'll rue this day, Professor Lupin! Slytherins retreat!**

 **Hermione: Harry, you did it!**

 **Lupin: Three cheers for HP, ya'll!**

Harry grinned, "I really do like that."

 **Everyone: Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!**

 **Lupin: Ah, Harry, Harry. Your dad would be so proud of you, but more importantly, his best friend is proud of you.**

"Speaking of Sirius Black- is he going to be in this story?" asked Neville.

Snape shrugged, "Only time will tell."

 **Harry: You mean Sirius Black?**

 **Lupin: Aha! Aah! *makes to be choking Harry* Just being out here with all of you kids makes me feel like a kid again.**

Harry wagged his finger, "I don't think so."

 **Ron: Well do you want a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor candy bean?**

 **Lupin: Ya, sure! This really takes me back!**

 **Rita Skeeter: Well, if it isn't the man of the hour, Mr. Remus Lupin.**

"But isn't Harry the man of the hour?" asked Hermione.

 **Lupin: Yup.**

 **Rita Skeeter: Mr. Lupin, how does it feel to have coached the Gryffindor team to their first win in 14 years?**

Snape sighed, "Here comes the speech, perhaps even waterworks."

 **Lupin: Well, let me just say-**

 ***piano softly plays***

 **That it hasn't been easy. I've had a lot of hard times. Some people have even tried to make me look like a fool. But it's moments like these- moments like these where I hear that I just- Blargh. Huck! Blargh! Blaa! What is this?! *chokes* Aah! It's getting worse! Why does it taste this way?! *continues to choke some more* I JUST ATE SH*T! I just ate sh*t!**

Harry air-high fived Ron from across the room.

 ***Gryffindors laugh***

 **Ron: Come on, party in the Gryffindor Common Room!**

 ***Everyone cheers and chants Gryffindor***

"What's new.", said a gloomy Draco.

* * *

 **Lucius: No! No! No! Who knew the counter curse was just 'Unjellify'?**

 **Draco: Well, daddy, looks like we lost. However, I do think I would've caught the Snitch if Yaxley hadn't landed into my path. But I think the most important thing here is I've had a lot of fun.**

Seamus shook his head, "No, you play to win!"

 **Lucius: *Throws both his arms out and Yaxley and another Death Eater grab them, and run him over to Draco* How daarre you! You couldn't stay out of the way for 20 minutes, could you, you little poof?! Why I ought to- *stops and spins over to Yaxley and grabs a Draco's picture***

 **Draco: Oh, that's my-**

 **Lucius: *crumples up the picture* Ha! You're not my son! *falls back into Death Eater's arms***

Hermione clapped her hand over her mouth, "I'm sorry, Draco."

Draco shrugged, "I get that on a regular basis."

 **Draco: This place has really gone to the dogs.**

"Definitely." ,said Cho and Lavender.

* * *

 **Hey! So I hope you enjoyed that chapter. I'm getting excited because in about 3 weeks will be the 1 year anniversary of this story! I just might do something special. Whelp, see you next update!**


	38. AVPS Act 1 Part 15

Act **1 Part 15**

 **Hermione: Hello boys!**

Seamus grinned, "We prefer men."

 **Ron & Harry: Hey, Hermione.**

 **Hermione: Um, well I'm headed home for winter holiday for a few weeks, but um before I go, I- I just wanted to give this to you guys. Happy Christmas!**

"Is it just a British thing to say Happy Christmas?" asked Luna.

Ron shrugged, "I have no clue. It probably varies wherever you go."

 **Ron: Oh, I wonder what it is?**

 **Harry: I wonder what this could be.**

"We get it, you're wondering the same thing." said Draco, rolling his eyes.

"Hush, you twat! I want to know what's in the package!" barked Voldemort.

 **Ron: I hope it's a puppy.**

 **Ron & Harry: Puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy!**

Voldemort gasped, "Could it really be a puppy?"

 **Harry: A book?**

 **Ron: Aw.**

Draco laughed, "Hermione, you're a horrible gift giver!"

Hermione crossed her arms over her chest, "At least I give gifts."

 **Hermione: Yeah!**

 **Harry: Gross. Merry Christmas, Ron.**

Dumbledore nodded, "Gross indeed."

 **Hermione: What, no! No, wait! It's not just any book. It's a scrapbook. I made it out of all our memories of our first semester at Hogwarts.**

 **Both: Oh, aw.**

"Wow, Hermione, you're so sentimental!" mocked Lavender.

Dean scowled, "At least she has good characteristics."

 **Hermione: Yeah see, here's tickets from the Hogwarts express. And here is a clipping from The Prophet about that Quidditch game that you guys won last month.**

 **Harry: Oh yeah, "Remus Lupin Eats Sh*t, Gryffindor Wins."**

Snape frowned, "I wasn't mentioned in the article title?"

Dumbledore comforted him, "I'm sure you were somewhere."

 **Ron: Hey, Merry Christmas to you. *kisses Harry's cheek***

 **Harry & Ron: Mwah!**

Ginny raised her eyebrows, "That was kind of strange for me to watch."

 **Ron: Oh wow! Hey, Hermione, why is there a clipping in here from The Prophet about Sirius Black?**

 **Hermione: Because they mentioned Harry in it.**

Ron put a hand defensively on his chest, "But I wasn't?"

Hermione scoffed, "Ron, you know that if you're ever mentioned you're the 'orange one'. _**(A/N: Heh, Potter Puppet Pals reference. ;O)**_

 **Ron: Oh! Oh, "Before his escape from Azkaban, Sirius Black went on the record saying 'I wanna find Harry Potter'", that's you, "'and I wanna drug and kill him.'"**

Voldemort gasped, "I had the same exact thought when I first set out for HP!"

 **Hermione: Are you nervous, Harry? He is a murderer.**

Harry shrugged, "Not really- I mean I'm a murderer too. Ginny knows what I'm talking about."

Ginny turned 50 shades of red and remained silent.

The steam coming out of Ron's ears was almost visible.

 **Harry: No, not really- I mean I live at Hogwarts, it's an impenetrable fortress. I really don't think any of us have to worry about-**

 **Snape: SIRIUS BLAAACCCKK! SIRIUS BLACK! Oh, checkmate. SIRIUS BLACK!**

Draco snorted, "Spoke too soon."

 **Dumbledore: What about him?**

 **Snape: He was spotted by the painting on the third floor. The Dogs Playing Poker peed on the carpet! And the Screaming Man never looked more terrified. It took the entire Last Supper to calm him down! Sirius Black has broken into our castle!**

Hermione raised an eyebrow, "We don't have those paintings here."

Snape rolled his eyes, "Ms. Granger, use your imagination. We know you have a brain, you constantly remind us."

 ***Everyone screams and runs around***

 **Dumbledore: Quiet! Quiet! QUIET! When you yell it only makes Sirius want to kill you faster! Now, Prefects, escort these kiddies to their dorms and tuck them in. The teachers and I will search the entire castle for Sirius Black.**

Seamus frowned, "Was that a shot at a mean dog joke, or was that just me?"

"Just you." said Dean.

 **Harry: Sirius Black. Sirius Black, that bastard! I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna throw everything, everything I know at him. I'm talking about lumos, alohamora, jelly legs jinx, everything!**

 **Hermione: Harry, you're better than that!**

Ron snickered, "This is exactly how it was in third year."

 **Harry: Ah, jelly legs jinx!**

 **Hermione: Ah!**

 **Ron: Whoa!**

Luna gasped, "Calm down, Harry!"

 **Hermione: Harry, that almost hit me!**

 **Harry: I'M IN A RAGE! This is the maddest I've ever been! Sirius Black took everything away from me. He took my parents, my whole life, everything! And I'm gonna find him with this... the Marauder's Map. Let's go.**

Draco furrowed his brows together, "Is the story going to take a serious turn now?"

Hermione scoffed, "What do you think?"

 **James & Lily Potter: La la la la la. La la la la la.**

 **Harry: Okay, I think Sirius is in here, but it could be wrong. This is a very complicated schematic.**

"No it isn't." sneered Lavender.

Parvati rolled her eyes, "How would you know?"

 **Hermione: I don't know about this, Harry. This room is really forbidden.**

 **Ron: Harry, I'm frightened.**

"It's like Mr. Weasley and Ms. Granger switched roles- oh wait.. no no never mind."

 **Harry: Wait, do you hear that?**

 **Hermione: Hear what?**

 **James & Lily: La la la la la.**

Draco laughed, "Angelic."

 ***Song time***

 **Harry: I know you. I've seen you in a dream, an old familiar scene from somewhere. You know me. There's a glowing in your eyes, I know and recognize from somewhere. Those voices, singing out 'La la la la la'.**

"I think this is one of those serious times during the musical. Draco was right." admitted Ginny.

Harry rolled his eyes, "You don't have to say that aloud."

 **James & Lily: La la la la la.**

 **Harry: La la la la la. Who are these people? Can't you see them?**

Ginny pursed her lips, "Am I somewhere in there?"

 **Ron: No. All I see is myself and I'm inside Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Hermione's turning into a blueberry and I'm eating her.**

Draco sat back, "Good."

 **Hermione: I see myself turning into Cho Chang, ya'll.**

Cho laughed, "Maybe one day, Hermione."

 **Harry: What is this thing?**

 **Sirius: That is the Mirror of Erised, Harry. It shoes you nothing more or less than the deepest and most desperate desire of your heart. Those are your parents, Harry.**

Ginny crossed her arms over her chest, "You better find some room in that mirror for me."

 **Hermione: Harry, Harry, watch out! That's Sirius Black!**

 **Ron: Take this you bastard, alohamora!**

"That's very effective." said Voldemort.

 **Sirius: Kids-**

 **Hermione: Jelly Legs Jinx!**

"That one outta hold them up!" shouted Neville.

 **Sirius: Unjellify!**

 **Hermione: Oh! Harry, he's too much for us!**

Voldemort just stared at the screen, mouth hanging wide open.

 **Harry: I have one more thing. Lumos!  
**

 **Sirius: Expelliarmus!**

 ***The trio scream***

"He is the equivalent of Merlin!" said Luna.

 **Sirius: Harry, just let me explain-**

 **Harry: What do you want to explain?! How you betrayed my parents and killed them?!**

 **Sirius: No! I didn't betray your parents and I never killed anybody. I was framed. I loved your parents, Harry. Your dad was my best friend!**

Snape yawned and sat back in his seat, "Can we skip over this part? It's so boring."

 **Harry: Why should I believe you?**

 **Sirius: Because, Harry, when I look in that mirror, I see them too. *Singing* I see them, they were people that I loved- you were barely old enough to be there. But I know you. You have your mother's eyes beneath your dad's untidy dark hair. Those voices ringing out 'La la la la la'.**

Harry tapped his chin, "That isn't the most convincing evidence. I mean, even Professor Snape knows what my parents looked like and he loved my mom so it wouldn't be very difficult to get to me."

Snape nodded, "Very true, Mr. Potter."

 **James & Lily: La la la la la.**

 **Sirius: La la la la la. And I would never do anything that could hurt you. They were both my family! You're all that's left of what I know, you must know somewhere it's true! Do you understand me?**

"What's not to get?" said Draco.

 **Harry: Yeah, I do.**

 **Harry & Sirius: Those voices reaching out! La la la la la!**

"Ooh! Hit that high note, Harry!" said Hermione.

 **James & Lily: La la la la la.  
**

 **Harry & Sirius: La la la la la. La.**

* * *

 **Hey there! So, I'm already on summer break and my first week has been excruciatingly painful. They decided to have volleyball camp this week and it's 1 hour of weights at 7 a.m. then from 8 am- 11 a.m. we have the camp and then from 11 a.m. to Noon we help the junior high girls. I am so exhausted and it's only been two days so far. Now to something you might care about. I am going to be writing my summer story along with this one and my Stitchers story. But have no fear, I will definitely be updating as frequently as possible. Don't think I've forgotten this story! I will probably continue updating it every other week, but might bump it up to 1 chapter per week. OH AND THIS STORIES' ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY IS IN 3 DAYS! THANKS SO MUCH TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN WITH ME SINCE AVPM ACT 1 PART 1 WHEN MY WRITING WAS HORRIBLE AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE STILL SUPPORTING IT NOW!**


	39. AVPS Act 1 Part 16

**Act 1 Part 16**

 **Sirius: Harry, it seems so unfair that I got to spend so much time with James and Lily and you so little.**

Ginny covered Harry's hand with her own.

Harry shrugged, "It hurts a little less since I don't remember them."

 **Hermione: I don't know, Harry, can we really trust Sirius Black?**

 **Ron: Yeah, what about that Daily Prophet article where you went on the record saying you wanted to find Harry and you wanted to drug and kill him?**

Draco raised an eyebrow, "My father tells me that daily. You'd think that he wouldn't waste howlers or ink or even parchment on telling me that so often but he does."

Ron laughed, "Oi, it's not his fault that he just wants to get his intentions across to you."

 **Sirius: That's a lie! I was magically misquoted by that dumb ass Rita Skeeter. What I actually said was: "I want to hug and kiss him!"**

 **Harry: I believe him, guys! He saw my parents in the mirror and well... you can't fake that.**

Hermione rolled her eyes, "No, it's not like you can just assume the boy wants to see his dead parents. That just doesn't happen."

 **Sirius: No, you can't.**

 **Hermione & Ron: Okay.**

Ginny laughed and pointed towards the screen, "You two would've kissed Sirius if Harry told you to!"

Ron gave Ginny an indignant look, "I'm sure 'Mione and I could say the same thing for you."

Ginny turned red and didn't say anything in response.

 **Ron: What are you doing here, Sirius?**

 **Hermione: Yeah, I mean, if you don't want to kill Harry then what's the point in coming to Hogwarts at all?**

Voldemort sat forward in his seat, "Very true. That's the only reason I came."

 **Sirius: Well, while I was rotting away in my prison cell in Azkaban, I received a package. Attached to it was this note. It reads: "Dear Sirius Black, Enclosed is a tool that you can use to escape Azkaban and sneak into Hogwarts. Please hurry. Harry Potter is in grave danger. Signed, Little D."**

Dean grinned, "I think this time it must be Seamus sending the letters instead of Dumbledore."

Seamus elbowed Dean in the ribs.

 **Hermione: Little D? Little Dumbledore!**

Dumbledore gasped, "Why, that is a false statement! We all know I am Big D! Severus can attest to it."

Snape nodded, "It is indeed true."

 **Sirius: My thoughts exactly! It was nice to know that the old man still believed in me. But anyway, I opened the package and inside I found this-**

 **Kids: Whoa!**

Cho shot up, "That was in the last play! Oh, what was it?! It was- it was a uh-"

The screen continued playing and Cho received her answer.

 **Sirius: It's your father's old invisibility cloak. Ha! Ha ha! We used to use it to play jokes on Snape. Ha! And we would solve mysteries and sh*t, but, here. Your dad wanted you to have this, when you were old enough.**

"It's like Scooby Doo and the Mystery Gang." said Hermione, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

Dean, noticing the looks of the pure bloods said, "Don't even ask."

 **Harry: Thanks. Hey, Ron, am I invisible?**

 **Ron: Who said that?  
**

Ron gestured his hand towards Harry, "Well, there's your answer."

 **Harry: But, Sirius, I don't think I'm in any kind of grave danger.**

 **Sirius: Who said that?! Oh, Harry, Jesus! It looked like you were in danger during that Quidditch match. It's a good thing my package made it to you on time. You really put it to good use!**

"It could've been put into better use if I would've gotten it earlier.", muttered Harry.

 **Harry: You sent the Firebolt!**

 **Sirius: Sure did.**

Luna's brow furrowed, "I thought we'd already pieced that together."

Ron patted her hand, "It's okay, Luna. Harry's just a little slower than most kids."

 **Hermione: Harry. Harry, on the map! Someone's coming!**

 **Sirius: Quick, get under the cloak! If you guys are seen helping me, you'll all be in really big trouble!**

Lavender sighed, "If you didn't want them to get in trouble, you shouldn't have come in the first place."

 **Harry: N-n-n-n-no! But if they find you they're gonna send you back to Azkaban!**

 **Sirius: It's fine. It was all worth it, as long as you know the truth. Now quick! Get under the cloak!**

Once again, Lavender voiced her frustrations. "You could've just sent a letter! He's daft enough to believe that too."

Harry turned red, "Shut up, Lavender. Sit down, no one wants to hear your two sense."

 **Harry: No! No!**

 **Snape: Alohomora! What the devil is going on here?**

"I really want to hear my actor sing, not in a group, but more of a solo." said Snape.

 **Harry: Nothing.**

 **Snape: Lies! You can't do nothing! You must be here for something. Or for someone! Do you know what the penalty is for aiding a fugitive? I'll see you all expelled!**

Draco scoffed, "Snape logic. No one will ever quite understand."

 **Hermione: But we weren't doing anything!**

 **Snape: Shut up, Potter! Your arrogance is insufferable just like your deadbeat father. And like him, it's going to get you killed. Now until I find Black, I am going to make your life miserable. You'll wish you were expelled!**

Dumbledore's eyes went wide, "Severus! I've never seen this- this rugged side to you. It's rather attractive."

Snape smiled and patted Dumbledore's hand, "With time, my love, with time."

 **Sirius: Leave him alone! You butt trumpet! Pft! Pft! Pft! Pft! Pft! Pft!**

 **Snape: My butt doesn't sound anything like that!**

Neville cocked an eyebrow, "I believe it has been said enough that we already established he is, in fact, a butt trumpet."

The rest of the students in the room nodded, "Agreed."

 **Sirius: This is what your butt sounds like! Na, na!**

 **Snape: Expelliarmus! Sirius Black. I was hoping I would be the one to find you.**

Voldemort cackled, "That's right, Snape, act like they didn't just hurt your feelings in the worst possible way."

 **Sirius: Yeah, well you did. So leave the kids out of this.**

 **Harry: He's innocent!**

"Harry, I think in a moment like that, it would be best to keep your mouth shut."

 **Snape: I'll be the judge of that, Potter!**

 **Sirius: After all these years, you're still a no good wiener jacket. You just can't stand that she picked James over you.**

"Hold up- let me right that in my insult journal before we continue on." said Seamus, literally pulling a small pocketbook out of his robes and writing down what was assumed to be 'wiener jacket'.

 **Snape: Give me a reason! Give me a reason, I swear I'll do it!**

 **Hermione: I wish Dumbledore were here!**

 **Dumbledore: I am here, night troll!**

Hermione frowned, "Can I please see a photo of a night troll?"

"There are thousands of trolls online, but none are specifically called 'night trolls'."

Cho sighed, relieved, "At least we know she can't reproduce now."

 **Umbridge: AND SO AM I!**

 ***Everyone screams***

"Jump scare, much?" said Neville.

 **Umbridge: Sirius Black. Well I've been looking for you for a long time.**

 **Snape: He broke into the castle using this. *Holds out invisibility cloak***

"You'd think it'd be invisible.", said Ginny.

"In a way, that makes sense but you should read up on it. It's very interesting." said Hermione.

Ginny nodded, "Yeah, definitely." She looked away from the bushy-haired girl and muttered, "Not."

 **Umbridge: *grabs cloak* What the hell is Potter doing here?**

 **Snape: Nothing important. I believe Black has confunded the children.**

Harry guffawed, "Gullible Snape.

 **Umbridge: Huh. I think maybe you're the one that's been confunded, Snape. Look at the name on the tag; Potter! *punches Sirius* I knew you were guilty from the moment I laid my eyes on you three little turds! And now you and your loser friends are gonna come with me to Azkaban!**

"That. was. awesome!" yelled Seamus.

 ***The Trio screams***

 **Dumbledore: That's impossible! Harry didn't help Sirius break in, because- because I did.**

Dumbledore sighed, "Don't take credit from Little D. It makes you look bad."

 ***Cue gasping***

 **Snape: Headmaster! How could you let this criminal into the castle?**

 **Scarfy: Especially in that outfit!**

"So true!" said Lavender.

 **Dumbledore: Scarfy, my reasons are my own.**

"Well you better have a damn good reason this time." said Cho.

 **Umbridge: Oh, this is just too good. I told you I was gonna destroy you, Dumbledore, and now you be dead. Unless...**

 **Dumbledore: Unless what?**

 **Umbridge: I'll make you a deal, Dumbledore. You can either kiss the Dementors, or you can kiss- Umbridge.**

Everyone in the room screamed at the horror of that thought left to their imagination.

 **Hermione: No! No, don't kiss her, Dumbledore!**

 **Harry & Ron: No!**

 **Sirius: No, Dumbledore, I'm not worth it!**

"That's exactly right! For once I agree with Sirius!" shouted Snape.

 **Dumbledore: I choose- I choose neither! Snape, it's time to show where your true loyalty lies. Take care of the children for me!**

 **Scarfy: Well, it looks like we're out- again!**

Dumbledore laughed, "That scarf is truly funny."

 **Dumbledore: Disapparate!**

 **All: Ah, magic!**

"But you can't do that in Hogwarts." said Hermione.

 **Umbridge: What?! Where'd he go?**

 **Snape: He disapparated.**

Everyone was confused now as to what you really can and cannot do inside the old castle.

 **Umbridge: That's bullsh*t, Snape! You can't disapparate inside of Hogwarts, right?**

 **Dumbledore: Right!**

 **Umbridge: Right! Damn it! *kicks Hermione in the face* You got lucky, Potter. But I know you guilty, too. And I'm gonna get all of you! Because with Dumbledore gone, guess who gets to be the Headmaster now?**

Draco laughed, "Sorry, Hermione, but this is just so hilarious!"

 **Snape: Me?**

 **Harry: Snape?**

 **Umbridge: No! Me, your mama! UMBRIDGE! And from now on we gonna we doing things around here my way. We gonna be doing things- THE UMBRIDGE WAY!**

"Oh no." said Luna.

 ***Everyone but Snape runs offstage***

 ***Snape looks in mirror and sees Lily, then runs offstage***

The girls in the room awed.

* * *

 **Hey! I'm so so so so very sorry about how late this update is! I've just been butt hurt recently. If you read this little notes then you know I'm currently writing and updating two other stories while working on this one. Well, for one of my stories I broke the record for how many words were in a chapter. In the chapter I had over 3,000 words so it took me about 2 hours to write and edit. Once published I sat and waited. Not once did I get any feedback on it. However, checking my traffic graph it was receiving over 200 views. It's just hard to cope when you have numbers like that but not once did someone take a second to tell you about it. I could go on and on about how authors have to improvise on ships to get likes on their stories. For example, I ship Ron and Hermione (basic, I know) while most of the public likes having Draco and Hermione together. So, I have to suck it up and please the public. I know this was a very long rant, and I'm sorry. But to basically sum it up I am most sorry for taking out my frustrations on my other stories by neglecting to update them. I hope you can forgive me. Until next update!**


	40. AVPS Act 2 Part 1

**Alright guys, here we go into the second part of the second play. Wow, it's really hard to believe I've been working on this story for over a year now! Well, hope you enjoy! :)**

* * *

 **Act 2 Part 1**

 **Snape: "Educational Decree #28: By order of the Ministry of Magic, Dolores Jane Umbridge shall replace Albus Dumbledore as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Teachers are hereby forbidden from giving out information not strictly related to the subject they are paid to teach. All student teams, societies, clubs, and activities are henceforth disbanded." That's bullsh*t**

Ron gestured towards the screen, "See? Snape is cool."

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Ron, anyone can swear."

 **Seamus: Bloody b*tch! Dean, get a load of this month's Daily Prophet!**

Snape opened his mouth to deduct points, but Voldemort beat him to it.

"10 points from Hufflepuff for usage of profanity!"

Seamus smirked, there was no way he was going to correct that mistake.

 **Dean: "Albus Dumbledore named Pubic Enemy #1 after it was discovered he had been aiding dangerous fugitive, Sirius Black. Dolores Jane Umbridge has now been appointed Headmaster of Hogwarts to bring order to the school and repair the curriculum."**

Hermione's eyes darted around the room, "It's almost as if Umbridge is still here."

Everyone shuddered in response.

 **Seamus: Repair the curriculum?! Is that what she calls ruling the whole bloody school?!**

 **Cho: Are ya'll talking about the horrible things that are going on here since Umbridge was named Headmaster? It's awful! It's just awful!**

"Thanks for blatantly stating the obvious, Cho.", muttered Parvati.

 **Dean: Damn straight.**

 **Seamus: Yeah, she's cancelled Quidditch, gotten rid of the trips to Hogsmeade, got rid of the feasts, painted over paintings and now she's got the Ghostbusters breathing down Nearly Headless Nick's nearly headless neck.**

Hermione waved everyone's gaze away, "Not right now, guys. I'm just not in the mood to explain."

A few gasps went up in the air. Hermione had never turned down the chance to share knowledge. Something must be wrong.

 **Cho: Not to mention she has cancelled the annual Valentine's Day Feel 'er Up Dance and replaced it with a nasty ol' abstinence rally. How am I supposed to stay abstinent when I have a reputation to maintain?! Professor Flitwick is gonna fail me now. I just wanna die!**

Everyone's eyes widened in response, then proceeded to direct their attention to a crimson-red Cho Chang.

Cho began stuttering, "That could be one of the most repulsing thoughts I have ever heard of."

 **Neville: Yeah, and everybody takes their frustrations out on me!**

 **Goyle: RAHHHHHHH!**

Neville sighed heavily, "Here we go again."

Hermione patted his back comfortingly.

 **Crabbe: Calm down, friend.**

 **Goyle: No one gives Goyle detention! Me hate Umbridge!**

Harry grinned, "Welcome to the club."

 **Seamus: You guys hate Umbridge, too? I thought you guys would've gotten along seeing as sh's a b*tch, and you guys are d*cks.**

 **Cho: Yeah.**

 **Crabbe: That's what we were hoping for, but no such luck.**

Dumbledore shrugged, "As long as they accept it."

 **Goyle: Well you know what I think? I think I need some chamomile before my slumber.**

Luna giggled, "After this, we'll all need chamomile for our slumber."

 **Neville: That was too c-c-close for comfort!**

Neville exhaled, obviously relieved.

 **Harry: Oh, come on. Who made Cho cry? What is that? I don't even care who did it. You're gonna die, Schlongbottom!**

Neville laughed, "Oh well, we all knew I wouldn't get away without something bad happening to me. But hey, that's just who I am.

 ***Kids begin yelling and kicking at poor Neville***

 **Hermione: Stop! Look, guys, I know things are getting bad around here, but we can't turn on each other. That's exactly what Umbridge wants. She wants us to eat each other to survive.**

Harry put his hands up, "Whoa, whoa! They have not resorted to that _yet_."

 **Harry: Dean, let me see that Prophet.**

 **Dean: Sure thing, HP.**

 **Harry: Ugh, this is so bogus. Look at this: "Dangerous criminal, Sirius Black, apprehended. He is currently being held at Hogwarts where he awaits his sentencing. Heroic witch, Dolores Umbridge, recommends the maximum sentence; Dementor's Kiss."**

"I don't understand.", said Ginny. "Why does she have any say in what Sirius gets?"

Snape rested his head upon his hand, "They merely said it was a recommendation. Calm down, Ms. Weasley."

 **Ron: That's rough, buddy. What are we gonna do?**

 **Harry: There's nothing we can do. The only other person that knows he's innocent is Dumbledore. And he's on the run, too.**

Voldemort leaned back in his seat, "The one time you actually decide to back down and let the proper authority handle the situation. I'm quite surprised, Potter."

Harry looked Voldemort straight in the eye and said, "Shut up."

 **Ron: We're in a real puzzle. Redvine?**

 **Harry: For the first time in my life- I don't want one.**

Everyone gasped, filled with surprise and amazement.

 **Ron: Harry- uh, you can't mean that. Um. Here, just open up and I'll put it in your mou-**

Hermione put her head in her hand out of fear, "Oh no, don't make stage-Harry angry, stage-Ron!"

 **Harry: I don't want a Redvine! Okay?! I don't want one.**

"Damn.", Seamus muttered.

 **Hermione: I'll take it, Ron. We'd best leave Harry alone.**

 **Lupin: Alright, gang, I'll ignore that some of you are late, if you ignore that I'm the latest. What the hell? Why didn't you guys laugh at my joke? What's going on here? Why all the long faces?**

Ginny sighed, "I think they should just show him a playback of the previous conversation so we don't have to go over it all over again."

Harry scoffed, "As if, Ginny. You have no problem repeating gossip to every girl in the school.

Ginny turned beet-red.

 **Dean: Man, it's Umbridge.**

 **Cho: She is ruining our lives.**

 **Ron: And Hogwarts.**

"And everyone's happiness.", added Neville.

 **Seamus: It's not a school. It's a bloomin' prison.**

 **Neville: Like Azkaban.**

"Whatever. It wasn't that bad.", said Draco, examining his beautifully manicured nails.

 **Harry: Yeah, she's the Dementor sucking out my soul.**

 **Lupin: I see. Well, I'll tell you what. If you guys think that this place is like Azkaban and you're worried about Dementors, why don't I teach you a spell that can ward them off? It's called a Patronus.**

"What's that I smell?", asked Ron, "Oh right. It's Umbridge."

 **Hermione: Uh, but Professor, the Patronus is a very advanced spell. And we're just first years.**

 **Lupin: Ah, bullsh*t!**

Snape raised an eyebrow, "He would know."

 ***Students cover ears***

 **Lupin: I mean, bologna. It's easy, okay? The only thing you need to make a Patronus is a wonderful thought.**

 **Students: Any happy little thought?**

Hermione stood up and looked towards the ceiling, "Do you think I could step out of the room for a minute or two- please?"

A door opened, and Hermione quickly ran out of the room. Ron and Harry instinctively looking towards Draco.

Draco's eyes were wide, alert. "Don't look at me!" He shouted, "I didn't do anything- I swear!"

Harry and Ron moved to a corner of the room and discussed Hermione's behavior and what could possibly be the matter with her. Every once in a while, they would look straight at Draco and talk among themselves, never taking their gaze away from the platinum blonde.

About ten minutes later, Hermione returned. Poised as usual. Everyone stood when she entered and she motioned for them to sit down. "Nothing was wrong. Just cramps- I promise."

 **Lupin: Not just any happy thought. Alright? Dementors live off fear and misery, so in order to beat them, you've gotta have something that's stronger than they are. The happy thought has gotta be something that when you think about it, you can't help but cheer up. So come on, guys, what makes you happiest? Cho?**

 **Cho: Um, well-**

"I bet I can guess what that memory would be.", whispered Dean into Seamus' ear. The two boys snickered.

 **Lupin: It can be a memory, a person, a fantasy, anything. Just as long as the emotion is real.**

 **Cho: I'll pretend I'm at the Valentine's Day Feel 'er Up Dance, and all the boys can't keep their hands off me.**

 **Lupin: Good. Hey, who knows? Maybe that's a... Maybe that's a thought we can make happen. I'm kidding. Or am I? You decide. And let me know. Neville, what do you got?**

Dumbledore chuckled, "The complete opposite of Mr. Lupin, if I must say."

 **Neville: I think I'll be an Indian Brave!**

 **Lupin: Sounds good. Hey, Ron, hat are you thinking about? Maybe a snack or a frumpy little girl?**

Lavender cringed, "Did he zone out while stroking her frizzy hair?"

Ginny shook her head, "Some things should just be left unanswered, Lavender."

 **Ron: No. NO! I'm thinking about Harry.**

 **Harry: Oh, cool! I was thinking about me, too!**

Draco laughed, "Classy."

 **Lupin: That's good work. Alright, now that you've got your happy thoughts, you got to hold onto it, okay? And say the magic words, "Expecto Patronum." Alright? Now, watch me.**

 **Hermione: Professor, what will you think of?**

 ***sad piano starts***

Snape put quotation marks into the air as he said, "His 'best friend'."

 **Lupin: I'm gonna think of the man who considered me to be his best friend.**

 **Ron: Hagrid. That's a good one.**

Voldemort nodded, "Very true, Weasley."

 **Lupin: No, it's not Hagrid. *mutters* It's not Hagrid. Expecto Pa-**

 **Umbridge: Hold on! What the spell is going on here? Remus Lupin, it sounds like you were about to teach this bunch of childrens a Patronus. Snaaapppee! Oh. Tell me, Snape. Is the Patronus even on the curriculum for chubby little first years?**

Hermione shook her head, as if in a daze. "These years and timelines are really messing me up."

 **Snape: Why, no.**

 **Umbridge: *Gasps* Is that so?**

 **Lupin: What do you want, Umbridge?**

"Dumbledore.", muttered Seamus.

Dumbledore nodded, "Very true, Mr. Finnigan."

 **Umbridge: Well, I was just walking around the school, observing teachers in their classroom environments, and I heard some pretty terrible accusations about you, Remus.**

 **Lupin: Cho, I said I was joking!**

Cho giggled, "I'm sure he was."

 **Umbridge: I heard that you don't even use the proper textbook in your daily lessons.**

 **Lupin: Oh, Umbridge, that textbook's like a thousand years old. It still refers to Dementors as Ringwraiths.**

Afraid to upset Hermione once again, the students noted to look up what a Ringwraith was later.

 **Umbridge: So- so you're smarter than whoever wrote this book? You're smarter than... Merlin?**

 **Lupin: No, I'm-**

Ron shrugged, "I'd say so."

 **Umbridge: I don't approve of your hands-on approach in the classroom, Remus!**

 **Lupin: Again, Cho, I was joking!**

"Never forget.", said Harry.

 **Umbridge: And then there's that Daily Prophet article that said that you eat sh*t?**

 **Lupin: That was a candy bean that tasted of sh*t!**

 ***Students gasp and cover ears***

"Every time.", said Parvati, sighing.

 **Lupin: I mean poopy. Guys, please.**

 **Umbridge: Well, Remus. The point that I'm trying to make is that your ass is fired.**

 **Lupin: What?**

"Your ass is grass.", said Seamus in a mock-southern accent.

Snape grinned evilly, "10 points from Gryffindor for usage of profanity."

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore may have taken pity on you because you're a worthless little piece of poo, but there is no room in my school for a washed up little toilet turd like you! Now you've got twenty minutes to get out of my castle.**

 ***Students try arguing***

 **Umbridge: WHO DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE?!**

Neville sat with his back against the couch, "Just about everyone in the universe. For multiple reasons which I'm sure you could figure out for yourself."

 **Neville: Goodbye, Professor.**

 **Cho: Too bad you were joking, professor, 'cause I could've been your greatest adventure.**

Seamus nudged Dean, "I guess he's in her dreams too, now."

 **Snape: I'll get the door for you.**

 **Lupin: You must be happy now, Snape.**

 **Snape: Look at my face, Remus. Do I look happy to you? *Sings whilst grinning all the way* Lupin got fired! Lupin got fired! Lupin got fired-**

Snape smiled, "Ah yes, that would be quite a good day."

 **Lupin: Stop! Alright, Snape! Listen. You win, okay? Just take care of the kids for me, and I'm sorry that we made fun of you all those years.**

 **Snape: Yes, well, so am I.**

Dumbledore sighed, "Just part already."

 **Lupin: Well, see ya.**

 **Snape: Bye.**

"Civil.", said Draco.


	41. AVPS Act 2 Part 2

**AVPS Act 2 Part 2**

 **Umbridge: Now, girls. Now that we got rid of that no-good Lupin- guess who gets to be your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?**

 **Snape: Me?**

 **Ron: Snape?**

Snape laughed, "Ha! If only."

Harry nodded, "Maybe one day, Professor."

 **Umbridge: No! Me! Your mama! And I'm going to teach you real good, with the help of this.**

 ***Students gasp at spiked paddle***

Neville's bottom hurt at the thought of the paddle hitting it, "Isn't that illegal?"

Dumbledore lifted a finger over his lips, "Only if someone finds out."

 **Seamus: What is that?**

 **Umbridge: Oh, this? Well I like to call this 'Mama's Little Love Hand'. I use it to give tough lovin' to all my childrens. You childrens are gonna learn your lessons twice as fast with the help of Mama's Love Handle!**

Draco raised an eyebrow, "But aren't love handles the extra fat at your sides?"

Hermione shrugged, "I don't think Umbridge likes to acknowledge that those actually exist."

 ***Hermione screams***

 **Hermione: You can't do that, it's abuse! Why, if you hurt anyone, I'll- I'll-**

Ron raised his fist in the air, "I'll bore you with my book knowledge!"

Hermione didn't say anything, only glared daggers at him.

 ***Snape switches paddle with a feather***

 **Umbridge: You'll what?**

 **Hermione: I'll tell the wizard cops and you'll be fired!**

Seamus placed his hands on his hips, "Is that a threat?"

 **Umbridge: YA! *hits Hermione with feather*You know what? You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what I think? I think that maybe you should be the Headmaster. Is that what you think? You wanna be in charge? You wanna be the momma? You want my job?**

Luna winced, "I can sense the angry rant on its way."

 **Hermione: No, I'm just a little girl!**

 ***Umbridge grabs her in a headlock***

 ***Hermione screams***

 **Umbridge: I don't like you, Granger. I don't like the way that you don't like yourself. Because you know what I see when I look at you? I see myself at your age.**

Ginny giggled, "Well isn't that exactly what Hermione thrives to be."

Hermione nodded and rolled her eyes, "You know me so well, Ginny."

 **Hermione: Oh God!**

 **Umbridge: Pathetic, lonely-**

Harry counted off his fingers with each fact Umbridge said.

 **Hermione: Ugly!**

 **Umbridge: You callin' me ugly, girl?!**

Dean bit his lip, "Oh, she should not have said that."

 **Hermione: No!**

 **Umbridge: You're the one that's ugly! You're the one that's ugly, not me! Not me! But I'm gonna help you girl! I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna suck you right up in to my womb, and I'm gonna spit you back out. And you're gonna be a red-hot titanium baby with diamond teeth. But before I can recreate you, I must destroy you. Now lift up your skirt, so your mama can love your bottom until it bleeds!**

Draco looked like he was about to be sick, "I don't know how much longer I can take with this whole mother-children relationship that she keeps insinuating herself to be in. It's just so- so repulsing."

 **Ron: Leave her alone!**

 **Seamus: Yeah, you old turd!**

"Nice insult.", Lavender nodded her head in approval.

 ***Students yell at Umbridge***

 **Umbridge: Stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys being so mean to me?**

 **Snape: All right, all right. That's enough. As much as I would like to see some of those bastards beaten, *points at Harry* it's against the rules. Besides, it's time for Potions class and I've made a fun lesson we can all enjoy. Come on everyone, let's go to the dungeon. Yay!**

Harry feigned surprise, "No, really? I would of thought he wanted to see Neville beaten."

Snape shook his head, "I can't say that there is only one person I would like beaten."

 **Students: Yay!**

 **Umbridge: Fine, but this whole class gets detention.**

Cho shrugged, "It's probably worth it."

 **Students: Aww.**

 **Ron: Thanks, Hermione! God!**

Hermione nodded, "Anything to help my friends out."

 **Umbridge: Oh, Potter, you hold up a second. I wanna have a word with you. Have you gotten any letters from Big D?**

 **Harry: I don't even know who that is.**

 **Umbridge: Don't toy with me boy, it's Dumbledore! I know you're helping Sirius Black and I know you're helping Dumbledore. So, I'm gonna ask you one time, where's he hiding?**

"Why should he tell you?", said a straight-faced Ginny.

 **Harry: I don't know. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.**

 **Umbridge: Well, you're just a Dumbledore man through-and-through aren't you?**

Dumbledore winked at Harry, "That's the kind of man to be."

 **Harry: Yeah, that's right.**

 **Umbridge: You think the school is bad now? I haven't even started.**

 **Harry: I'm not afraid of you! You're a teacher, you can't hurt me. Do your worst.**

Draco scoffed, "We all know you hate a damaged reputation, Potter."

Harry nodded, "I'm not going to lie."

 **Umbridge: Oh, I will. See you in hell, Harry Potter.**

 **Harry: Lupin! Hey, Lupin.**

Ron's eyebrows shot up, "Well that was a quick recovery from being threatened."

Hermione agreed, "Well, it is Harry."

 **Lupin: Hey, Harry.**

 **Harry: Hey, I'm sorry about you getting fired. You still had so much to teach us.**

 **Lupin: Oh, that's alright, Harry. My last lesson was how to get yourself fired.**

Parvati giggled, "Well, he is a spectacular teacher, isn't he?"

 **Harry: Geez, Lupin have you been drinking this whole past two minutes?**

 **Lupin: Yup. It's part of the lesson. Oh god..damn it.**

Luna tilted her head to the side, "Well, if that's a step toward recovery..."

 **Harry: Oh um, if it's any consolation, you were always my favorite teacher.**

 **Lupin: I know, that's probably why she fired me, you little creep. Ah, Harry, sorry it's not your fault, probably everybody's favorite teacher. Alohomora.**

Neville laughed, "I like that- 'little creep'." **  
**

 **Harry: Listen, Lupin, this place, this whole place has just gone to the dogs, what are we gonna do?**

 **Lupin: I don't know. Oh, you want me to say something. Um, the important thing is that you always stick by your friends no matter what!**

Hermione slowly applauded him, "What great advice."

Draco guffawed, but still smiled. "As if you could give any better."

 **Harry: Well, maybe you should go visit you friend Sirius Black and let him explain what's been going on.**

 **Lupin: No! No, listen, Sirius Black is not a friend. He's a traitor, alright? Well, my time's up, hey.**

"I thought they were close friends.", muttered Dean.

 **Harry: Well, guess you can have this old thing back.**

 **Lupin: Thanks, Harry, probably use it as a blanket or a house. Now that I'm unemployed and homeless.**

Seamus gave a cheerful grin, "There you go!"

 **Harry: Take care of yourself, Lupin, okay?**

 **Lupin: Hey, Harry. Hey, Harry. Hey, you take care of yourself too, okay? Oh yeah, hey Harry, full moon coming up okay so stay indoors, alright? Or I'll eat ya. *Laughs* I'll eat ya! See ya!**

"I don't think he's joking.", said Ginny.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry about the delay guys. Volleyball season has started back up again.**


	42. AVPS Act 2 Part 3

**AVPS Act 2 Part 3**

 ***Umbridge puts up a Taylor Lautner poster instead of Zefron***

 ****

Lavender giggled, "Either post works for me. They both do just fine."

 **Umbridge: This is my office now! Team Jacob headquarters complete! Tell me, Sorting Hat, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?**

 ****

Neville shrugged, "I'm more on Team Switzerland. I can go either way, and I will still feel sympathy for the other team."

 **Sorting Hat: I'm Team Dumbledore!**

 ****

 **Umbridge: What? Dumbledore ain't a fictional character. You know what, you old hat, you old hat! You know what I'm gonna do with you? I'm gonna stick you in an old hat box, 'cause that's what you do with an old hat!**

Draco rolled his eyes, "If I had a Galleon for every time the words 'old hat' were said on that line, I'd be bloody rich!"

 **Sorting Hat: No! No! No! Tell Scarfy I love him!**

Dumbledore sniffled, and wiped away a single tear that began rolling down his wrinkled cheek. "I have no idea what the tragic story behind that line was, but it's so touching."

 **Umbridge: Oh, I will. NOT! Hehehe hehehe. Der der der der. Gosh! What a day. *Begins combing hair* Being a mama sure is tough work, isn't it, Jacob? Especially when all your childrens are just so misbehaving. Why do they gotta be so mean to their mama?**

 ****

Ginny raised an eyebrow, "Is she mentally ill? It seems so strange she can play this "mama" charade for such a long time and still be healthy in the noggin."  
 **  
**

Harry shrugged, "All I know is, she needs some serious help."

 **I'm just trying to love them. Now Harry Potter, he's just the worst of them all. Playin' that little guitar, making fun of him mama. Just make me so sad. So very, very, very sad- HUNGRY!**

 ****

Hermione cracked up laughing, "That reminds me of Ron- so, so very much!"

Luna giggled, "That is how he thinks, isn't it?"

 **Oh, a cheesecake. Wonder where that came from? Oh that's right. It's from my induction ceremony as Headmaster of Hogwarts. But I thought I threw that away. I'm not allowed to eat cheesecake. Just protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. Well, I guess a little bite wouldn't hurt anybody!**

Seamus shook his head, "Pity, isn't it? So difficult to keep up with the falcon egg diet. Rocks is easier, but it still takes a lot of strength to get through that."

 **Mama Umbridge: Dolores!**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Huh?**

 ****

 **Mama Umbridge: Dolores!**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Who said that?**

Ron quirked an eyebrow, "Who the bloody hell is that?"

 **Mama Umbridge: Dolores Jane Umbridge!**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Mama?**

Dean's mouth was wide open, "Oh, dear God! There's two of them!"

Ginny's eyes were round as saucers, "This must be a joke!"

Hermione shrugged, "She had to come from somewhere, didn't she?"

 **Mama Umbridge: Dolores, you put down that cheesecake!**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Mama, what are you doing here? I thought you were dead.**

"Well," said Draco, "That escalated quickly."

 **Mama Umbridge: Dolores, I came down from Heaven above to help you straighten out these chillen's.**

 ****

 **Umbridge: What? I- I don't need your help. This is my house now, I don't want your help. I hate you!**

Ron nodded, "I'd hate anyone that took cheesecake away from me."

 **Mama Umbridge: Hate me? You're just like me.**

 ****

 **Umbridge: I'm nothing like you! I'm cool.**

Snape had began taking a sip of a nearby butterbeer, when he heard the last line. He spit his drink out and covered Neville in it. "My apologies, Mr. Longbottom."

 **Mama Umbridge: Oh yeah? Those little children don't seem to think so. I heard that Harry Potter slander behind your back… that you were a chubby little f*cker.**

Harry tilted his head in confusion, "Is that a normal insult in the muggle world now?"

 **Umbridge: But I am a chubby little f*cker!**

 **Mama Umbridge: Dolores, you listen to your mama now. Get up, girl, get on up! Now the only way you're gonna fight these chillen's is with love. Do you love them enough to scold them?**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Yes, I love them so much**.

Ginny scoffed, "Obviously."

 **Mama Umbridge: Do you love them enough to whack their bottoms?**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Yes, momma, anything!**

 ****

 **Mama Umbridge: Do you love them enough to kill them?**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Well, yes, I think I do.**

"Huh," said Luna, "I did not realize that was the proper way to show that you hold regard for someone."

 **Mama Umbridge: Yup, that might straighten that Harry Potter out. He might even be better off.**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Yeah, you're dead and you're just fine. Why didn't I think of that before?**

 ****

Ron clapped a hand to his forehead, "She's gone mental, that one."

 **Mama Umbridge: Because it's crazy.**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Yeah! Oh, uh oh, I'm crazy now, aren't I, Mama?**

 ****

 **Mama Umbridge: I wouldn't be here if you wasn't.**

"She speaks the truth.", said Harry.

 **Umbridge: But how do I kill the children? I don't want to hurt them.**

 ****

 **Mama Umbridge: Oh, there's lots of ways.**

Draco nodded, suddenly excited. "I have a whole notebook filled with ways. I have a section with painless ways, if any of you would like to take a look at it."

Hermione patted his knee, "I think everyone's good, love."  
 **  
**

 **Umbridge: Yeah, you mean like with this axe I've been sharpening all day? I don't remember doing that, but I must have. Yeah, I'll kill Harry Potter, and then my boyfriend, Dumbledore, is gonna see how powerful I am, and then we'll probably get married!**

Dumbledore nodded and spoke sarcastically, "Oh yeah, that would definitely win me over!"

 **Mama Umbridge: That a girl, Dolores! You make me some grandbabies, and we'll straighten them out, too!**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Okay, mama, I will! Bye, I hate you! *laughs crazily***

Dean shuddered, "They're equally crazy."

 **Snape: What the devil is going on here?**

 ****

 **Umbridge: Oh hey, Snape.**

Ginny laughed, "What a great ending." 


	43. AVPS Act 2 Part 4

**AVPS Act 2 Part 4**

 **Snape: Why have you called me out of bed at this- where did the poster of Headmaster Zefron go?**

Parvati gasped, "Where'd it go?"

 **Umbridge: I don't care for Zac Efron. Taylor Lautner's my man.**

 **Snape: What do you want, you horrid b*tch?**

Lavender blushed, "I think I could go either way."

Cho nodded rapidly, "Same here."

 **Umbridge: Well Snape, it's Potter. I think he knows where Dumbledore's hiding and he's not telling me and there's this stupid rule that won't let me discipline the children. I just wish there was some way that I could get my boyfriend and kill Harry Potter.**

Hermione raised an eyebrow, obviously confused. "Real world problems, I assume?"

Draco hugged her close to him, "You have no idea."

 **Snape: Are you suggesting that we kill a student?**

 **Umbridge: Of course not, Snape, that would be crazy. We can't have crazy people running the school. But maybe if someone who also hated Harry Potter could get him for me…**

Harry laughed, "Well, you sure aren't going to find anyone like that in the room. Especially not Snape."

Snape nodded, "Yes, indeed, Mr. Potter."

 **Snape: Don't look at me.**

 **Lucius: No, look at me.**

Draco's eyes widened, "When did he get there?"

Ron shrugged, "Beats me."

 **Umbridge: Lucius Malfoy, what are you doing here?**

 **Lucius: *dances over* I couldn't help but overhear your conversation and I wanted to know if you were interested in a role in the evil scheme I've just choreographed?**

"I especially liked the leap part.", said Dumbledore, looking thoroughly impressed.

 **Umbridge: Well, what's the part?**

 **Lucius: It's a meaty supporting villain role.**

Seamus cringed, "I don't like that description. Meaty."

Dean rolled his eyes and faked a shudder, "Ew! What a disgusting word!"

 **Umbridge: Go on.**

 **Lucius: You say you want to find Dumbledore and have unspeakable things happen to Harry Potter. Well, I can give you those things for a very small price.**

Ron tapped his chin thoughtfully, "That depends. Does the type of torture affect the price? Because that could definitely change the bargain."

Luna giggled, "Of course not. It's most likely any type all for one price."

Ginny tilted her head, "That wouldn't make sense being the producer, and not the consumer, but oh well."

 **Umbridge: I'm listening.**

 **Lucius: First, you let my Death Eaters into Hogwarts. Our presence here must remain an absolute secret. Next, you lure Harry Potter someplace where I can have him alone. He must be alone. That is of the utmost importance. I would have done this myself already if he went anywhere without that ginger that filthy mudblood girlfriend of his.**

 **Umbridge: Fine. That takes care of Potter, but what about Dumbledore?**

Draco put his hands palm out in front of him, "He must be alone also. It wouldn't make sense if he weren't."

 **Lucius: You say Potter knows where Dumbledore is hiding? Well, before I finish him off, I'l use every torture imaginable to loosen his tongue.**

 **Umbridge: Yeah, and then I get my boyfriend Dumbledore! He's probably out buying me presents, he's really sweet. I'm gonna find and crush that criminal.**

"Do you think Umbridge might have a personality disorder?", asked Snape to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore rested his hand over his beloved's hand, "It's the only possible explanation for her tragic issues."

 **Lucius: Yes… and once you have Dumbledore, Potter is mine!**

 **Umbridge: Fine, it's a deal.**

 **Snape: Oh, this is all so illegal. If anyone were to report this sort of business to the Ministry, you both would go to Azkaban.**

Seamus harrumphed and folded his arms over his chest, "Snitches get stitches."

Harry nodded respectfully to Seamus, "That's right."

 **Umbridge: Well, that's why no one is going to report it, right Snape?**

 **Lucius: Come now, Severus, you better than anyone know what kind of people the Potter's are. Their arrogance know no bounds. Something simply must be done about them for their will always be guys like Potter.**

Draco sniffed the air, "Is it just me, or do I smell a song coming on?"

*SONG TIMMMEEE*

 **Lucius: There are so many douchebags in the world. Yes, so many douchebags get the girls, who deserve more than absolutely anything, that any charm or potion could ever bring. But men like that they have her on a string- and they don't care. For there will always be guys like Potter, to realize tears in your eyes because he got her. She'll never ever know how much you'd have brought her, if you'd only done something more for the one back when you were young.**

Ron clenched his fists, "Oh, I hate douchebags. They're everywhere."

Luna patted his shoulder, "I think that's a universal thing, Ron."

*Flashback during song*

 **James: Hey, sour grapes, Expelliarmus! Impedimenta! So how'd the exam go, butt-trumpet?**

Snape's mouth went into a flat line, "What does that even mean? Butt-trumpet?"

Dumbledore shrugged, "You're bottom must sound like a trumpet, I suppose."

 **Lily: Leave him alone!**

 **James: Lily Evans…**

 **Lily: What has poor Severus ever done to you, Potter?**

Harry frowned, "I can name a few things…"

 **James: Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean.**

 **Lily: You think you're funny, James, but you're not. You're just an arrogant, bullying, douchebag.**

Hermione looked over to Harry, "Then why did she marry him?"

Harry shrugged and answered sarcastically, "Because she was afraid of dying alone. Do you think I know, 'Mione? I never even met them."

 **James: Uh, tell you what, Evans. I'll leave Snape alone if you go on a date with me.**

 **Lily: Ugh, you are such an a**hole! It's so charming.**

Cho rolled her eyes at the screen, "Wow. I love it when boys act like arses."

 **James: Cool, well I'll pick you up at eight then.**

 **Lily: Okay.**

 **James: We can hang out with my best friend, Sirius Black. You're lucky that Evans was here, wiener jacket.**

Snape's mouth quirked up, "I think I prefer butt-trumpet over wiener jacket."

 **Snape: I don't need help from a filthy little mudblood like her!**

"You should write a book, Severus," said Dumbledore, "How to lose the girl you love in eleven words or less."

 **Lily: Fine, I won't help in the future. Come on, James.**

 **Snape: No wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!**

Ginny fanned at her eyes, "I don't know why, but I think I'm going to cry."

*End flashback*

 **Snape: So many a**holes in this place. So many a**holes in my face! Why can't they leave me alone- to the princesses, maids, and queens? They wouldn't ever be in between.**

"No offense, Snape," said Seamus, "But you can't get princesses, maids, or queens even if you tried."

Snape raised an eyebrow, "I got a Headmaster, though."

Dumbledore winked at him, "You sure did."

 **Snape & Lucius: We treat them nice, and never be mean. And we would care… But there will always be guys like Potter. Who'll quench the flame like it's a game with drops of water. He'll never ever think her perfect as I thought her-**

Hermione nudged Draco, "Can you dance like that?"

Draco laughed, "I wish."

 **Lucius: But now you're alone, left to pout and moan, 'cause you were totally poned.**

*End song*

 **Snape: Alright, let's do it.**

Harry guffawed, "Didn't see that coming."

* * *

 **A/N: I have no idea why, but that song always makes me cry.**


	44. AVPS Act 2 Part 5

**AVPS Act 2 Part 5**

 **Neville: Gents, gents, take a look at today's Prophet?**

 **Ron: No! NO, no more Prophets. Enough of that sh*t.**

Draco raised an eyebrow, "They really don't censor things in this musical, do they?"

Hermione shrugged, "Only the better."

 **Hermione: Oh no.**

 **Harry: What is it?**

 **Dean: Gather 'round, ya'll.**

 **Hermione: Harry, you're not going to want to see this.**

Harry rolled his eyes, "Do I ever want to see anything? Honestly, it's like I never hear good news."

 **Harry: "Minister of Magic Sentences Sirius Black to Death by Way of the Dementor's Kiss." Bogus! Mondo bummer.**

Seamus sighed, "That's not a totally tubular article, man."

Dean nodded, "Duuuude, you are, like, so right."

 **Dean: That's not the worst of it. Anyone read the next few sentences?**

 **Hermione: "To administer the Kiss, a force of 1,000 Dementors will be sent to Hogwarts, where after carrying out the execution, they will remain a new permanent security force… under the direct control of Headmaster Dolores Umbridge."**

Ron stood up and walked over to where a door had once been, "Nope. No Umbridge security force for me. Bye!"

 **Cho: This is the absolute worst!**

 **Dean: Umbridge done and turned the school into a prison.**

 **Ron: It's over, she won.**

Draco sat up, "I feel a song coming up- but I'm not entirely sure."

 **Umbridge: Attention all Hogwarts students; This is Umbridge. Will all those nasty little first years who have detention this evening please report immediately to the Owlry. Your duties this evening will include restocking the bird seed supply, getting eggs from the meanest, angriest owls, and scrubbing bird sh*t off the floor. Bring your toothbrushes. Failure to attend detention will result in some serious tough love consequences. So, get moving, everyone. Everyone, except for the famous Harry Potter. Potter, your detention will be held with me tonight, so please report to my office immediately. Alone. Alright, that's all, bye. Have fun! Der der der der!**

Hermione smirked, "Good thing I always bring two toothbrushes to school."

 **Hermione: Harry, I don't like the sound of this. Why does she want to meet you alone?**

 **Ron: Yeah, why don't you have to clean up bird sh*t like the rest of us?**

Seamus scoffed, "It's his hero privilege, isn't it?"

Ginny giggled, "Most definitely."

 **Hermione: No, I mean, what if she does something horrible to you?**

 **Harry: She can't, she's a teacher. Besides, maybe I can talk to her about Sirius. She can't just sentence someone to death who's innocent.**

"I don't think that's entirely true." Murmured Dumbledore.

 **Hermione: I don't think she cares if he's innocent or not.**

 **Harry: She had to. Any sane, reasonable person would. Besides, I don't know what I would do if I wouldn't be able to hug or kiss Sirius Black, my best adult friend, ever again. I have to try. I'll see you guys.**

Luna cringed, "I have no idea why, but I kind of hope that was the first, and last, time I ever hear the term 'best adult friend.'"

 **Ron: Good luck.**

 **Hermione: Be careful.**

 **Snape: *drunkenly mutters* Oh Potter, Potter. Just who I wanted to see. Sit down, dude.**

Snape looked taken aback, "Am I- am I drunk?"

Dumbledore patted his hand, "It would appear so, my love."

Snape looked like he was about to be sick.

 **Harry: Listen, I gotta go to Umbridge's office.**

 **Snape: Right now? Can't you wait?**

Draco's brow furrowed, "Why is he drinking outside of the hag's office?"

 **Harry: You see-**

 **Snape: Come on, Potter, I'm a teacher. You have to listen to me. You- you have to listen to me or I'll expel you. I'll expel you right now. Sit down. Want a beer?**

Hermione snorted, "What a great role model."

 **Harry: Uh, no that's okay.**

 **Snape: Ah, no come on, man. Don't let me be the only one drunk and stuff.**

Parvati face-palmed, "This can't turn out well."

 **Harry: Alright.**

 **Snape: Hey, those are mine! Listen, Potter. I hannanna. I habba dele lemon. I have a dilemna.**

Draco mocked Snape, "C-can you- bannana-hanna- can you speak, Snape?"

 **Harry: What's your dilemma?**

 **Snape: I promised Dumbledore that I would protect the school but the thing is, Potter, I hate you. I hate you so much. You know what I mean?**

Ron tapped his chin, "That problem would fade away if he got Harry expelled."

Luna scoffed, "Expelling the Harry Potter would be kind of hard to arrange, Ron."

 **Harry: Yeah, I hate you, too.**

 **Snape: But it's not fair really, because it's your dad is who I hated. And I was in love with your mum, but I had a butt trumpet. My butt went; boop boop, boop boop, boop boop. And she chose him over me! You know how that is?**

Harry contained his laughter, "Oh yeah! I absolutely hate it when Ginny chooses Neville over me!"

Ginny rose an eyebrow, "What now?"

Harry didn't say anything.

 **Harry: I don't know that you're talking-**

 **Snape: Well it pisses me off! I mean really f*cking pisses me off. 'Cause I was there for her, you know? Like when she needed someone, I was there, waiting like a tool. Saying, are we gonna snog now? No, okay now? What about now? Well, I'll wait. I'll wait forever like a tool! And just once, just one time, I wanted to take your mum-'s boobies- and put them on my face and go *makes weird motorboat noise*.**

Hermione looked very uncomfortable, as did everyone else, as she asked, "Snape, are you okay?"

Snape shook his head, "I have no idea, Ms. Granger. No idea."

 **Harry: I don't know what you're talking about. I don't understand anything you're saying, so I'm just going to let you pass out here.**

 **Snape: Wait, Potter, what I'm trying to say is that I'm torn up and if you go in there, you're going to be in big trouble.**

 **Harry: Whatever, Snape. Butt trumpet.**

Ginny shook her head as she laughed, "Nice."

 **Snape: Ah, forget you.**

 **Harry: Professor Umbridge, it's me HP. You asked for me to come here. I want to talk to you about something. Hello?**

Harry crossed his fingers, "Oh, I hope she isn't there."

 **Lucius: Hello, boy.**

 **Harry: Oh, hi.**

 **Lucius: Stupefy!**

Seamus shook his head, "Brilliant. Just bloody brilliant."

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry if the words are unevenly spaced. I'm having to improvise because my laptop is broken. Hope you enjoyed!**


	45. AVPS Act 2 Part 6

**AVPS Act 2 Part 6**

 **Cho: Alright, ya'll, that's good. Let's keep up the good work!**

 **Seamus: Certainly, Miss Chang.**

Cho frowned, "I've never been able to do that. But then again- I haven't tried yet."

Snape shook his head, "Don't even think about it, Miss Chang."

 **Hermione: Cho, could you please help, too?**

 **Cho: Well, I am. I gave my toothbrush to Dean, and now he's working twice as hard, bless his heart.**

Ron raised an eyebrow, "Bless his heart? What does that even mean?"

Luna rolled her eyes, "Exactly what it sounds like, Ron."

 **Hermione: No, Cho, we all need to do an equal share of work.**

 **Cho: Well that doesn't seem very fair. You have turned into a little Umbridge, haven't you? Give me that!**

Hermione mocked a hurt face and put her hands over her chest, "Oh, I'm wounded!"

Draco shrugged, "I don't know, I'd be hurt. That's quite an insult."

 **Ron: Do you want a RedVine?**

 **Hermione: No thanks.**

 **Ron: What? Does no one want a RedVine? Has the world gone insane?! God!...You're not like Umbridge, if that's what's bothering you.**

A few awes went up around the room.

 **Hermione: Oh yeah? We're both ugly, we're both bossy, and nobody likes us!**

 **Ron: Eh, eh, eh. So what? So you share some similarities, hm? That's like saying Spiderman and Venom are the same because they have the same powers and same costume. No, no, no, no, but Venom let his bitterness and hatred of the world turn him into an a**hole a long time ago. Spider Man would never do that. Even though Bugle is always printing all this crap about him, and, Iron Man was just so mean to him, Sandman killed his poor Uncle Ben. It's like Spider man is so full of- of love that he would never let any of that ruin him. And that redhead, Mary Jane, she cares a lot about him. Even if he is just a nerdy, potato-faces loser. And she knows, deep down, miles beneath those enormous breasts of his… there's something special.**

Harry looked to Ron, "That was quite a speech, mate."

Ron rubbed his chin, "It really was, wasn't it?"

 **Hermione: Yeah, he's like my second favorite superhero!**

 **Ron: *growls* Second?!**

 **Hedwig: Meow, message for Hermione Granger.**

Dean snickered, "What a realistic owl. I always knew they were apart of the cat family."

 **Hermione: Oh, Birdie, I'm Hermione Granger..**

 **Hedwig: Oh here you go. *poops* You missed a spot.**

 **Hermione: Thanks.**

Seamus smiled, "How thoughtful."

 **Ron: What's it say?**

 **Hermione: It says: "Harry Potter is in grave danger." Oh no. "Meet me by the Divination class as soon as you can," Signed, Little D.**

 **Ron: Little D, ugh, Little D? Little…**

 **Ron & Hermione: Dumbledore!**

Voldemort laughed for the first time in a while, "Little D? What happened to Big D? Did something change, Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore turned slightly red, but didn't respond to Voldemort.

Hermione: I knew Umbridge was going to hurt Harry. Well we have to go right now.

 **Ron: Okay.**

 **Hermione: Here we are, Professor Dumbledore!**

 **Ron: Dumbledore! Where is he?**

 **Hermione: I don't know. The note said he'd be here. Where are you, Little D?**

 **Draco: In case you were wondering, the D stands for my wiener.**

The room erupted in laughter. Draco turned red, but he didn't seem offended. He finally had let go and began laughing, joining the other students.

 **Ron & Hermione: Malfoy?**

 **Hermione: What are you doing here?**

 **Ron: Come to turn us into Umbridge, huh?**

 **Draco: No, why would I do that after I took all that trouble to bring you here? Friends…**

Harry sat forward, "Oh, is it finally going to work?"

Seamus laughed, "Ha! No."

 **Hermione: Little D, little Draco. No, I don't get it.**

 **Ron: Yeah, we're not friends here.**

 **Draco: Maybe not yet...Listen! The Draco Malfoy you know and love is currently bedridden with heartache in the Slytherin dorms. The Draco Malfoy that stands before you today you may love, but you hardly know. Get ready, I'm about to blow your minds. I'm from… the future.**

Lavender raised an eyebrow, "Bedridden with heartache? Over who?"

Ginny shook her head, "Did you not pay attention during the last play?"

Lavender shrugged, "Guess not."

 **Ron & Hermione: *Gasp* What?!**

 **Draco: Yes, the distant future of 2009.**

 **Ron: That's one year from now.**

Neville nudged Ron, "Well, aren't you impressed?"

 **Hermione: But how and why?**

 **Draco: How and why indeed, Miss Granger. It turns out something very important happens next year. I can't tell you what, but as consequence, my father-**

 **Hermione: Lucius Malfoy…**

Parvati sighed, "This is just like a soap opera."

 **Draco: The very same. It turns out my father has traveled back in time with a gang of Death Eaters. Their mission: To kill Harry Potter. When I found out of their evil plot, I stowed away in my father's fanny pack so I could stop them.**

 **Ron: Oh yeah, why do you want to help Harry all of a sudden?**

Hermione sat up, "Okay, is no one going to mention the fact that he stowed away in a fanny pack? How did he even do that?"

Dean shrugged, "Who knows with Draco."

 **Draco: Because, in the future, I'm really nice ow. I'm the most popular boy in school, even Harry Potter likes me. Haven't you noticed how I've tried to help you all year? I mean, first I managed to track down Harry's Invisibility Cloak, and I sent it to Sirius Black so he could escape Azkaban and come you Hogwarts…**

 **Hermione: That's right, he had a note from Little D. It looks like Dumbledore wasn't helping Sirius, he was covering for us. But, wait, where have you been all year?**

Draco tapped his chin, "I wouldn't have done all that for nothing. What's in it for me?"

 **Draco: I've been living in the Forbidden Forest, hiding amongst the centaurs. When they learned of my knowledge of the future, they made me their leader and worshipped me as a new god.**

 **Hermione: You're the leader Firenze talked about. You sent him that night to save us in the Forbidden Forest.**

 **Draco: Indeed I did. I've worked hard to keep my presence in the past a secret for fear of disrupting the space-time continuum. But, my father has captured Harry Potter and I had to seek help. I'm going to come at him with every second-year spell I know. We're talking Squoushy-Toushy Charms, Tickling Hexes, and maybe, if I'm feeling especially cruel, a Bubble Head Charm.**

Hermione smirked at Draco, "Wow, what a rebel."

Draco winked, "You know it, babe."

 **Hermione: Well, if Harry's in trouble, we're there.**

 **Ron: I don't know. I mean the Draco we know always has an ulterior motive.**

 **Draco: How strange, *puts arms around Hermione* I have no ulterior motive.**

Draco nodded his head in realization, "Now I get it."

 **Hermione: Harry's in trouble. We have to think of a plan. I'll try to think of something. Come on, let's go. Oh and, Draco, thank you. You're very brave.**

Ginny covered her mouth to hide her giggles as Draco span around in a circle.

 **Draco: Got a problem, Weasley?**

 **Ron: No.**

 **Draco: No? Looks like you have a little one. Maybe a tad jealous? Maybe because I'm an older, more mature man who can use the potty and everything? Or maybe, maybe this will make you jealous. *takes out coloring* Yes, it is a crayon drawing of Hermione and mine's wedding.**

Hermione nodded at Draco, "Looks just like my dream wedding."

 **Ron: Why are you guys wearing spacesuits? And why is the priest a talking lion?**

 **Draco: Those are mature things you wouldn't understand.**

Ron nodded, "Oh, most definitely."

 **Ron: Yeah, whatever.**

 **Draco: Just so you know, in the future, you don't get her. So don't even try, Weasley.**

 **Ron: Two things, Draco, One, you may be trying to help us but two, *flips him off* you're still full of sh*t. You have a poop nose now.**

Seamus and Dean silently begin chanting, "Fight, fight, fight!"

 **Draco: Ah…**

 **Ron: Yes, you do.**

 **Draco: Get the poo off me!**

Dumbledore clapped his hands together, "What a wonderful ending."


	46. AVPS Act 2 Part 7

**AVPS Act 2 Part 7**

 **Lucius: Alright, Yaxley, now when Harry Potter wakes up, you're going to stand in the window between these two and you're going to do that, um, stiff arm movement that you're so fond of. And you two, you're going to do this *puts hands on knees and moves legs* Yes, it's going to feel goofy, but it's going to look so f*cking good. So, be sure that** -

Draco laughed, "Now I know why I was never allowed in his chambers."

Hermione raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure it was just that? Maybe it was another mistress?"

Draco shrugged, "I think the chances are high for both of those options."

 **Harry: Uh… ah…**

 **Lucius: Oh, shshshshshshshshsh!**

"Does he actually think that will amaze me?", asked an exasperated Harry.

 **Harry: Oh, what the… where am I?**

 **Lucius: Hello, Potter!**

 **Harry: What a marvelous display! I'm very impressed.**

Seamus nodded, "I guess."

 **Death Eater: Hey, Lucius, where do you want these boxes of torturing supplies?**

 **Lucius: Um, just stack them right in here, thanks.**

 **Harry: Whoa, wait a second, what? Torturing supplies? Who are you guys?**

Ron thought for a minute before saying anything. "The Fifty Shades of Grey cast, duh."

Harry facepalmed, "Oh, man! How could I not have guessed that?!"

 **Lucius: We are men who have lost a great deal because of you, Potter. I am Lucius Malfoy and we are the Death Eaters. *weird arm point thing***

 **Harry: Whoa, listen, look. I know I beat your Dark Lord or whatever when I was a baby, but don't you think it's time you guys, uh, got over it?**

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Well, then. Your life wouldn't be nearly as interesting as it is without the Dark Lord, so I suggest you apologize."

 **Lucius: This isn't about anything you've done, Potter. It's about what you're going to do.**

 **Harry: But that doesn't make any sense.**

 **Lucius: Maybe not to you it doesn't, but where I come from, it makes perfect sense. If I had my way, I'd finish you off right here, right now, Potter. But I made a deal and you've got the information I need. So I'm going to use every torture imaginable to make sure that *telephone rings* Oh hold on, that's me. OH MY GOD! Umbridge, stop texting me.**

"Did I miss something? Is she interested in Lucius now?", asked Dumbledore.

Hermione shook her head, "No, Professor. She needs Harry to tell her where Dumbledore is. Remember?"

Dumbledore shook his head, "Hardly, but I'll take your word for it."

 **Umbridge: Did you get my text?**

 **Lucius: Yes!**

 **Umbridge: Well you didn't text me back. Oh, looks like you found Potter.**

Cho shuddered, "So clingy!"

 **Harry: Umbridge, of course you're behind all this.**

 **Umbridge: Has he spoken yet?**

 **Lucius: We were just getting started…**

"That's not good enough for Umbridge, I bet." said Seamus.

 **Umbridge: Well hurry up and make sure you keep your end of the deal because I gave you your little boyfriend and now I want mine. I got to go. Oh, and Potter? I thought that you might like to know that Umbridge has a whole army of Dementors on the way to the castle right now. And they're going to give your friend, Sirius Black, a big-fat-wet-kiss goodbye for you. Then maybe he can say hi to your parents. Der der der der der! *bumps into disguised Ron***

Ginny sighed, "Sometimes I'm surprised at myself for wanting to punch that actor so bad- but only because he's so hot."

 **Ron: Oh, Sorry.**

 **Umbridge: Oh it's alright, it was my fault.**

 **Ron: Oh, no excuse me.**

Luna rested her head on Ron's shoulder, "Very polite, Ronald."

 **Draco: This will never work, Weasley.**

"Oh definitely not.", said Snape, "You can tell by their highly advanced dance moves that they are not to be messed with."

 **Ron: Trust me.**

 **Lucius: Hey there, who are you guys?**

 **Ron: Oh, us? We're the back-up Death Eaters. The union sent us over.**

Harry raised an eyebrow, "There's a Death Eater Union?"

Dumbledore shrugged, "Yes, we just don't discuss it very often."

 **Lucius: Curious, what union?**

 **Ron: The one for Death Eaters.**

 **Lucius: Mhm, mhm, I'm familiar.**

Ginny grimaced, "I kind of wish I wasn't. It makes me uncomfortable thinking about Death Eaters as it is."

 **Ron: Oh, they said before you torture Harry Potter here, you're required to take a ten minute break so uh, they sent over some pizza.**

 **Yaxley: Death Eaters work hard. But when we break, we break. Give me some of that pizza, new guy. What kind of toppings you got on that thing?**

 **Ron: Well, you know all your favorites, mushrooms, artichoke hearts, red peppers, and a knuckle sandwich!**

Seamus nodded approval, "Very classy."

 **Yaxley: Ouch, ah, look what you did. Lucius, the new guy punched me.**

 **Lucius: I have a feeling that these aren't new guys at all.**

Draco rolled his eyes, "No, they just have severe social anxiety."

 **Yaxley: Hey! What happened to all the pizza?! Did it fall through the hole?**

 **Lucius: More like new children!**

 **Kids: Oh!**

Neville scratched his head, "Is Yaxley still looking for the non-existent pizza?"

 **Lucius: Come to see your friend get tortured, did you? Well, you'll each have your own turn, you meddling little stinkers.**

 **Ron: Well, looks like you caught us. And we were saving this to celebrate saving Harry. But I guess you guys can have the real pizza.**

Lavender sighed, "I'm so confused. Is there a pizza or not?"

 **Yaxley: Don't mind if I do. Nothing worse than getting your hopes up for pizza and then when you go to get the pizza you get punched in the fac- AH!**

 **Ron: Phase one complete. Now, phase two. *throws box at Lucius* Yeah!**

Neville nodded his head in realization, "So there is no pizza."

Ron patted his shoulder, "There's no pizza."

 **Hermione: Get Harry! Harry, Harry, are you alright?**

 **Lucius: Not so fast, Potter! Death Eaters, clean up those boxes. Surrender yourself, Potter, or I'll torture your friend. *grabs Draco***

 **Draco: No, daddy. Daddy, it's me. Would you really torture your own son?**

Dumbledore looked at the floor as he said, "I don't think you want to know the answer to that one."

 **Lucius: Draco? Surrender yourself, Potter, or I'll kill your friend.**

 **Harry: Leave Malfoy alone, Malfoy. I do hate Malfoy, but he doesn't deserve to die. Looks like I've got no other choice. I'll turn myself in.**

Hermione awed, "Look! They're bonding!"

 **Snape: Why that's absurd! Bat-Bogey Hex! Jelly-Legs Jinx! *kids cheer and Draco escapes to mess up Lucius' hair***

 **Lucius: Severus, you traitor. You'll pay for this.**

"Is he still intoxicated?", asked Luna.

Dean nodded, "Most likely. It doesn't go away that quickly."

 **Snape: Put it on my tab. Stupefy!**

 **Harry: Snape, you came to save us!**

 **Snape: I sure did. I made a vow to Dumbledore I would protect you kids. Besides, I couldn't let the last trace of Lily Evans be destroyed. You have her eyes, you know? Her eyes and… I have to go! Go on, kids, I'll fend them off. Yaw!**

Harry's eyes widened, "Her eyes and what?"

Ginny shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "I will not be the one to answer that."

 **Hermione: Come on, come on. We gotta get out of here!**

 **Ron: Alright, but first… let's take that piece of garbage down.**

Cho crossed her arms over her chest, "It's not trash…"

 **Harry: Alright, guys. We gotta go find where they're holding Sirius.**

 **Draco: Alright.**

 **Harry: Umbridge has a whole army of Dementors on the way to kill him. They're gonna kiss him, they're gonna find him and kiss him! Ron, where? Come on, man.**

Hermione frowned, "I wish they would call it something else."

"Like what?" asked Draco.

Hermione shrugged, "I don't know- maybe soul-sucking or something like that."

Draco shuddered, "That was a repulsive sentence."

 **Draco: Come on, Ron.**

 **Ron: It's- it's stuck on there with magic.**

 **Harry: That's okay.**

 **Ron: Don't worry about it.**

Cho smiled, "Good."

 **Harry: Um, we gotta wait a second, what the hell is Draco doing here?**

 **Hermione: Oh right, Harry, this is Draco from the future.**

 **Draco: Future.**

Parvati nodded, "Makes sense."

 **Harry: What?**

 **Hermione: Yeah, he's really nice now and you know what we couldn't have saved you without his help.**

"You should probably explain that later." said Snape.

 **Lucius: We mustn't lose them!**

 **Hermione: Quick, hide!**

 **Lucius: Where'd they go?**

Seamus shook his head, "They need backup."

 **Yaxley: I think they went that way.**

 **Lucius: No, you idiot! There they are!**

"No kidding, Seamus." said Dean.

 **Harry: Geez, what a dumb*ss. Whatever, let's go save Sirius.**

 **Draco: Right!**

Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose, "Why? Just why?"


	47. AVPS Act 2 Part 8

**A/N: Hello! I haven't uploaded in about two weeks, but here you go. One of you guys pointed out to me that my title was in the wrong, so I have changed the name of it to "Hogwarts (And Voldemort) React to the AVPM Series". I know, kinda long and kinda bland but it basically summarizes the story. Anyway, here's Act 2 Part 8.**

* * *

 **AVPS Act 2 Part 8**

 **Kids: Sirius!**

 **Sirius: Kids!**

 **Ron: Oh, uh, looks like they got a Taylor Lautner poster in here, too.**

Lavender sighed, "Oh that's totally fine with me."

"Same here." said Cho.

 **Harry: It's everywhere now.**

 **Ron: They just decorated…**

 **Harry: Every single room.**

"Was it like that with Headmaster Zefron?" asked Hermione.

Dumbledore nodded, "I would assume so. But, in all honesty, who wouldn't want to see that gorgeous man wherever they went?"

Snape cleared his throat.

Dumbledore rolled his eyes, "But of course, I would much rather have a poster of Severus."

 **Sirius: What're you guys doing here?**

 **Harry: We've come to break you free.**

"No, they came to give you a visit. Just missed seeing you around." said Draco with heavy sarcasm in his voice.

 **Ron: Yeah, Umbridge is coming with a whole army of Dementors and… and… they're gonna kiss you.**

 **Hermione: Stand back. Alohamora!**

 **Everyone: Ah, magic!**

Luna tapped her chin, "Is that a normal reaction?"

Ron shrugged, "Maybe if you're sensitive to it."

 **Harry & Hermione: Sirius!**

 **Sirius: Kids! But if you're seen helping you'll all be in really big trouble.**

 **Harry: We don't care. You're innocent.**

Seamus raised his brow, "Or is he?"

Ginny threw a nearby pillow at Seamus, "Oh shut it, you git!"

 **Sirius: I know, but who's gonna believe a bunch of kids and a no good washed-up loser like Malboy, and me, the most wanted criminal in the world? Gah, what kind of a dumb*ss would believe this bunch?**

 **Lupin: This dumb… this dumb*ss!**

Harry raised an arm, "This dumba-"

But before he could finish his sentence, Snape began speaking. "10 points from Gryffindor! For vulgar language."

Voldemort snickered as though he were a school boy.

 **Everyone: LUPIN!**

 **Harry: Sirius is innocent. He only…**

 **Lupin: Harry, there is no reason to explain. I know that he's innocent and I've got proof.**

"Is it something in the newspaper that used to house you?" asked Dean.

 **Everyone: What? How?**

 **Lupin: This, the Marauder's Map. I was on the Hogwarts Express when I began to get chilly and decided to use it as a blanket. That's when I noticed a name on there that shouldn't have been there, the name of a man that I believe to be long dead, Peter Pettigrew.**

Dean look thoroughly impressed with himself, "Well would you look at that."

 **Sirius: That rat b*stard!**

"Ha! That's kind of like a pun, right?" asked Harry.

Hermione shook her head, "Closer to irony, I'd say."

 **Harry: Who is that?**

 **Lupin: Harry, long ago your father was friend with Sirius, and best friends with me, but he had another friend.**

Snape laughed, "Hardly! Everyone knows James was best friends with me."

This earned a few chuckles from the Golden Trio.

 **Harry: What, that's impossible. You can't have more than two friends.**

 **Sirius: It was a fatal mistake. Peter Pettigrew betrayed your parents and killed all those people. Then he set me up and disappeared.**

Ron looked at Ginny, "See? This is why we can't let you hang out with us on a regular basis."

Ginny crossed her arms over her chest, "Whatever."

 **Lupin: Until now, 'cause he's in this room.**

 **Kids: Where?**

 **Lupin: Looks like… there. *points at Ron***

Luna gasped, "No! I don't believe it!"

Draco tilted his head, "I do."

 **Ron: Me?!**

 **Harry: Ron, how could you, you traitor!**

 **Draco: I'll kill him, chaps. Then she'll be all mine.**

"Does anyone hear when Draco says something about Hermione?" asked Parvati.

Voldemort shook his head, "Most likely not because in order for them to hear about that, they have to listen to what he says in the first place."

 **Ron: No! No, something's wrong. I'm not Peter Pettigrew.**

 **Lupin: The Map's never wrong, Ron. Or should I say Peter?**

Snape tisked, "So much deceit in this musical."

 **Hermione: No! No wait, wait. If you look at the Map, Peter Pettigrew's name is on top of Ron. That must mean that Peter Pettigrew is on top of Ron.**

 **Everyone: Scabbers!**

Seamus turned red and looked at the floor, "That's not what I was thinking of."

Dean shook his head, "Sometimes, Seamus, you really disgust me."

 **Hermione: He must have magicked himself into a rat.**

 **Sirius: That totally makes sense.**

 **Ron: Die!**

 **Draco: Stop him! *Everyone stomps on Scabbers***

"Poor rat." said Ginny.

Harry tapped her shoulder, "Did you listen to anything they just said?"

Ginny shrugged, "Some of it."

 **Lupin: Well, he put up a fight, but he'd dead now.**

 **Sirius: The nightmare is over.**

 **Hermione: Wait, that's weird. The Map says that Peter Pettigrew hasn't moved, but it must be wrong.**

"So when someone dies, their body is taken off the map? But how does the map know when someone is dead?" asked Neville.

Dumbledore glared at Neville, "Mr. Longbottom, it's not always best to ask too many questions."

 **Sirius: No, the Map is never wrong.**

 **Taylor Lautner Poster: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!**

 **Hermione: It's it's…**

 **Everyone: Peter Pettigrew!**

Lavender began fanning at her face, "I think I'm actually going to cry if they beat this poster up too."

 **Peter: You finally figured it out. Expelliarmus! *tosses football to Hermione, and she throws it back***

 **Sirius: Son of a b*tch! I'm gonna drug and kill you! How could you betray James and Lily like that?**

Voldemort made a fist and shook it, "What a threat!"

 **Peter: I know. James was my best friend.**

 **Lupin: I thought I was your best friend?**

 **Peter: The Dark Lord, he can be very persuasive. He offered me a robot hand and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.**

Ron nodded, "It is pretty lousy."

 **Harry: You're never gonna get away with this. Now that we've found you, Sirius is going to be free and you're gonna go to Azkaban.**

 **Peter: Oh? I've got a better idea. How about I kill all of you and get away scot-free?**

"I don't think it works like that." said Draco.

 **Draco: Um, no-no-no-no, no you should go to jail. We can vote on it?**

 **Peter: Vote? Why don't you vote on what's going to be on your tombstone?!**

 **Harry & Ron: Red Vines!**

Harry grinned at Ron, "Great minds think alike."

 **Ron: That's it… Red Vines! Hey, poster man, wouldn't killing us taste better with a Red Vine.**

 **Peter: Of course, everything tastes better with Red Vines.**

Hermione sighed, "Are they actually being paid to advertise Red Vines or are they trying to earn a sponsorship?"

 **Ron: Well, here. Why don't you have one?**

 **Peter: Alright, Weasley, I'm gonna trust you this time. But I don't want to see any funny tricks.**

 **Ron: No tricks, just treats.**

"What about Twizzlers? What happened to those?" asked Cho.

Harry gasped, "Twizzlers will never be mentioned in my presence!"

 **Peter: I just want you to hold out that delicious red stick of candy.**

 **Ron: It's gonna be right here.**

 **Peter: And I want it to just stay right there so I can put my mouth around it. Alright, here I go… yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy…**

"Isn't that the same guy who played Mr. Weasley?" asked Neville.

Draco rolled his eyes, "You don't need to voice obvious questions, Longbottom."

 **Ron: Stupefy! Red Vines, what the hell can't they do?**

 **Harry: You did it, Ron!**

 **Hermione: Ron, that was amazing!**

Ron cracked his knuckles, "Who gets Hermione now, Malloy?"

 **Lupin: Your poster days are over, Peter. You're going to jail, Crucio!**

 **Harry: Wow, Ron, I'm really sorry about your rat.**

 **Draco & Hermione: Yeah, sorry.**

 **Ron: It's okay. He's been dead for years.**

Hermione opened her mouth but then closed it, and later on said, "You know what, I don't think I want to know."

 **Remus: Sirius, I'm sorry that I doubted you for all those years.**

 **Sirius: How could you think I would betray James and Lily like that? I mean, I was his best friend.**

"Can they just solve this best friend matter?" said an exasperated Snape.

 **Lupin: What the hell am I?**

 **Sirius: Ooo, you thought you were his best friend?**

"Why can't we all just be friends?" asked Ginny.

"Because there's a friend limit! Everybody knows that!" Yelled Ron.

 **Lupin: Yeah.**

 **Sirius: *Harry tosses ball to Sirius* Tell you what, there's only one way to settle this. From this moment on, you and me will be the best friends. *tosses football to Lupin***

"Thank you." said Snape.

 **Lupin: That's all I've ever wanted.**

 **Sirius: Touchdown. Come here, Lupie.**

About everyone in the room awed.


	48. AVPS Act 2 Part 9

**A/N: Hello! So many people have been favoriting or following this story recently and I am so grateful! I have received a few reviews mourning the loss of Romione in this fic, and so, I decided to put up another poll to let you guys decide who the couple should be. To access the poll, just click on my username, and it should be at the very top. It will be up until next Saturday. The results will appear in a new chapter. Thanks again for all of the reviews, and enjoy!**

* * *

 **AVPS Act 2 Part 9**

 **Sirius: Oh, it feels so good to be able to hug and kiss you again.**

 **Remus: I know but you know who deserves the kisses? These kids!**

Draco rolled his eyes, "I doubt the actress portraying me will get any credit. You know, no matter what I do, good or bad, I never get acknowledged for it."

Hermione sighed, "Give an example, Draco."

Draco sat in silence, thinking.

 **Sirius: You're right. Ah, Hermione, you did some amazing sleuthing back there. You really are the cleverest b*tch of your age.**

 **Hermione: Thanks, that makes me feel really special.**

Luna smiled to herself, "I really like that. So far, throughout the series, Hermione has only been insulted. It's nice to see her receive a compliment."

 **Sirius: Good, and you. Ron, the guy who's always helping out… thanks for helping out!**

 **Ron: Hey, no problem.**

Ron tapped his chin, "I never really thought of it like that. I do help, don't I?"

"More than you know.", Hermione smiled sweetly at Ron, making his ears turn red.

 **Sirius: Cool, and you, little Dracula Falmoy, you're Little D aren't you?**

 **Draco: I sure am.**

Harry laughed, "There you go, Falmoy."

 **Sirius: Get over here. To you, I own my freedom. What can I do for you, Count Chocula?**

 **Draco: Well, there's this girl I like, but I'm not 100% positive she likes me back, so should I tell her how I feel, perhaps in a letter or a drawing?**

Cho began snapping her fingers, trying to remember something. "What was it that Ron said? Oh, I can't remember it!"

 **Ron: Or an angry email?**

 **Sirius: No, rule number one, boys… you never tell a girl that you like her. It just makes you look like an idiot.**

Cho clapped her hands together loudly, "That's what it was!"

Ginny scowled, "Could you be any louder?"

And you, Harry, while I was rotting away in my cell in Azkaban, you know what happy thought kept me going and got me through it? It was you. So thanks for saving me, Harry.

 **Harry: I had to Sirius. You're the only family I have. *hugs Sirius***

Hermione held three fingers up, "On the count of three, guys. One, two, three-"

Everyone in the room collectively awed.

 **Ron: So what are we going to do with Peter Pettigrew?**

 **Sirius: Well, we'll take his a** back to the Ministry and I'll get my charges dropped.**

"I totally forgot that Peter was lying on the ground.", said Neville.

Dumbledore nodded, "I think we all did, Mr. Longbottom."

 **Harry: You're gonna be a free man.**

 **Sirius: Sure will.**

 **Lupin: Alright, gang, let's hop on some brooms and head back to the Ministry on the double, okay? We'll let the beautiful moon light our way… ah damn it.. I mean, sh*t! Ah!**

My transformation!

Ron laughed, "Only Lupin would forget something as serious as that."

Snape raised an eyebrow, "I wouldn't be so sure of that, Mr. Weasley."

 **Sirius: Lupin, my best friend, did you take your potion tonight?**

 **Ron: What's happening?**

 **Lupin: RAH!**

Neville gasped, "When did he put those teeth in?"

"Bet they just grew in. Perhaps the actor is a werewolf,", said Seamus, "Wait a minute. Is Professor Lupin a werewolf?!"

Dumbledore rubbed the bridge of his nose, annoyed. "Here we go again." He muttered something under his breath and soon everyone except for the golden trio were looking around the room, bewildered.

 **Sirius: *grabs Lupin* Lupin! You know the man you truly are. This heart is where you live, this heart, right here.**

*Lupin breaks free and runs away*

 **Hermione: Transforming in a full moon? Lupin must be a- a…**

Dumbledore frowned and had his fingers crossed.

 **Kids: A Gremlin! *Lupin returns fully transformed***

A look of relief flashed across Dumbledore's face, and Snape held his hand in a comforting manner.

 **Peter: Go long and so long, you pathetic b*stards!**

 **Harry: No, no, he's getting away!**

Dean furrowed his brow, "Go long?"

Hermione simply waved her hand, "It's a Muggle term."

 **Hermione: We need him to prove that Sirius is innocent!**

 **Sirius: Well that's not going to matter if I'm dead. Remus, it's Sirius, your best friend. Remember- *gets hit***

Harry scoffed, "Did they really think it would be that easy?"

Ginny elbowed him in the ribcage and whispered in his ear, "Don't sound so opinionated about this musical."

 **Ron: Oh, we're done for.**

 ***other wolf cries sound***

 **Harry: What is that? What's that noise?**

Parvati tapped her chin, "Most definitely The Weird Sisters."

 **Ron: Hey, hey, where's he going? Where's he going?**

 **Hermione: Werewolves respond to the call of their own kind. The Forbidden Forest must be crawling with them.**

Dumbledore sat up, "Gremlins. She means Gremlins."

The class nodded in realization.

 **Ron: Oh yeah, like the one that chased us on Halloween, the one that stole Lupin's brooch.**

 **Harry: That reminds me of his best friend Sirius… oh!**

"It seems they forget about the people on stage, too.", said Luna.

 **Kids: Sirius!**

 **Ron: Is he dead?**

 **Hermione: Almost.**

"But wasn't he just hit? It's just a gremlin, it shouldn't have hurt." said Seamus.

Hermione shrugged, "I don't think they actually want to hurt the actors."

 **Harry: Come back to me, Sirius!**

 **Umbridge: You mean, come back to Umbridge! I f*cking caught you red-handed, Harry Potter! I caught you helping Sirius Black, and now you're not childrens no more. You're criminals, and you're all going to get the Dementor's Kiss!**

"Bloody hell! I almost completely forgot about her!", exclaimed Ron.

 **Hermione: Harry, look it's Dumbledore!**

 **Dumbledore: Umbridge, stop! Your beef isn't with these sexy boys, it's with me.**

Neville was obviously confused, "What's going on?!"

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore, did you get my texts?**

 **Dumbledore: Yes, I got your texts. I got all 900 of them! You've been clogging my inbox for long enough.**

"I once heard that someone was upset with their ex and texted them twice as many times as that." said Cho.

 **Umbridge: Well you didn't text me back.**

 **Harry: Umbridge has gone completely crazy.**

Voldemort sighed, "No, really? I find that hard to believe."

 **Hermione: She's working with Death Eaters.**

 **Ron: She tried to kill Harry.**

 **Dumbledore: I know, kids, but the buck stops here. Umbridge, I've tried to be nice, tried to be fair, but there comes a time when you have to lay down the law. This is my school and these are my chillings, and it's time for you to leave and never come back!**

"I wonder how many words they have for children.", said Parvati.

 **Umbridge: Dumbledore, this is just our first fight.**

 **Dumbledore: And it'll be our last.**

The students went, "Ooh."

 **Umbridge: Oh my god, Dumbledore! Why you being such a lousy boyfriend?!**

 **Dumbledore: Don't you get it, you crazy b*tch?! I'm gay!**

Dean tried concealing his laughter, "Well- that was subtle."

 **Umbridge: Well choose not to be gay then!**

 **Dumbledore: Umbridge, if you don't stop I'll be forced to violence.**

 **Umbridge: Uh huh, no way-no how. A man does not threaten his woman! *Takes wand and snaps it***

"Does she even listen?", asked Snape.

Everyone answered him unanimously with a flat "No."

 **Dumbledore: There goes the Elder Wand.**

 **Harry: What's the Elder Wand?**

 **Dumbledore: It doesn't matter now, Harry. Uh, Umbridge, maybe we can work something out.**

"Like what? A shag every other weekend?" asked Seamus.

"10 poi-" began Snape, unexpectedly stopped by Dumbledore who said, "Give it a rest."

 **Umbridge: No, no! It's too late.**

 **Dumbledore: Fine, Dolores, I'll be your boyfriend!**

"I think she'd be desperate to actually accept him." said Hermione.

Draco shook his head, "Not if she has a brain. I mean, this is exactly what she wanted-"

Hermione shushed him, "That's not how it works."

 **Umbridge: NOOOOO! *begins singing* Remember that time? When you wouldn't talk to me? No, you wouldn't talk to me, yesterday. We were gettin' along. We had a little dancy thing. Well here's a song I sing my way.**

Dumbledore rolled his eyes, "They barely spent ten minutes together."

 **We were gonna be fine. But you didn't want to be, be the man who'd be with me- no way. And now you're sayin' it's time- why you gotta be like that? I don't like the way you act around me. So baby come on, come on… Well don't you tell me to go, and say "I'm the one".**

"He never said that!", yelled Ron.

 **D-d-do you think I'm dumb? Sorry, did I just stutter? Won't tell you what you know, but this is the end. You were never my friend. You were never my- you were never my lover! *dances with Dementors as her backups***

 **"I love the choreography." said Voldemort.**

 **Remember that night? When I saw you tremblin' there? I remembered I don't care about you. I'm rememberin' how you thought you were at the top, well I think we're better off without you! And I got you number- and I don't mean on my phone; would've already just thrown it out, if I'd known about the way you b*tch and moan.**

"Do you think she's overreacting?" asked Ginny.

Cho shook her head, "Let her have her moment. This was her first break up."

 **You remember the way, how you were outta line? Well now you're outta time, so tell me what you want on your tombstone! Come on, come on… Well don't you tell me to go, and say "I'm the one," d-d-do you think I'm dumb? Sorry, did I just stutter? Won't tell you what you know, but this is the end. You were never my friend. You were never my- you were never my lover!**

"I think she does understand partly what happened if she's saying he was never her lover." said Neville.

"Hardly.", said Snape.

 ***pauses singing* On behalf of the Ministry of Magic now, I, Dolores Jane Umbridge, hereby sentence you, Sirius Black, to death by the way of Dementor's Kiss!**

 **Dumbledore: Umbridge, please listen to reason for God's sake!**

 **Umbridge: *continues singing* It's too bad your a loser. Too bad you waste my time. Good thing that I'm around to keep your a** in line!**

"Dumbledore's the loser in the situation? I think not.", said Harry.

 **Harry: No, stop it! Let him go! No, leave him alone you b*stards! Leave him alone! No, get away… no … *passes out***

 **Umbridge: You were never my- you were never my lover! Dur dur dur dur dur!**

"The laughing always adds a great effect.", said Seamus.


	49. AVPS Act 2 Part 10

**A/N: Okay, I lied. I've only gotten about 5 votes on the Romione or Dramione poll, so I'm going to give you guys one more week to vote. Romione is in the lead. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEAAASSE VOTE!**

* * *

 **Act 2 Part 10**

 **Harry: Oh wipe out part two.**

Dean shook his head, "That sucks, brah."

"I don't even want to know.", said Seamus.

 **Ron: Harry…**

 **Hermione: Oh, Harry, you're alright.**

Voldemort rolled his eyes, "He always is, isn't he?"

 **Ron: We thought we lost you there for a second good buddy.**

 **Draco: Yeah, the Dementors almost Kissed you.**

 **Harry: Where's… Sirius, where's Sirius?**

"What did happen to Sirius?", asked Ginny.

Ron shrugged, "Not sure."

 **Dumbledore: Harry, there were hundreds of Dementors. It took all my skill to grab you kids and escape.**

 **Harry: We gotta go find him. We gotta go save Sirius!**

Harry was not thrilled at this point in the video. It brought back haunting memories from when he had lost Sirius.

Ginny must have sensed the tension, because she grabbed Harry's hand to comfort him.

 **Dumbledore: Harry, Harry, it's too late. And Umbridge is too powerful.**

 **Hermione: Professor, what do we do?**

Voldemort stared at the trio, "Do any of you ever relax?"

"Not at all.", they responded in unison.

 **Dumbledore: You four stay here, you'll be safe here. I'm going to go see if I can find some help, inform the Ministry.**

 **Ron: But Umbridge works for the Ministry!**

Snape clucked his tongue, "Since when have Umbridge's values been acknowledged by the entire Ministry?"

"You'd be surprised.", said Dumbledore.

 **Dumbledore: Weasley, I gotta find somebody to help save the school before Umbridge turns anymore Dementors on any more kids. I'll be back as soon as I can. Disapparate!**

 **Hermione: He left us… He left us!**

Draco sneered, "You could've grabbed him."

"He wouldn't have wanted that, Malfoy.", said Hermione.

 **Ron: Well, we just can't let Umbridge destroy the school. What are we gonna do, Harry?**

 **Harry: There's nothing we can do.**

Neville mocked a gasp, "Did I just hear The Boy Who Lived correctly? There's nothing we can do? You know what I think? That's some bulls-"

Luna stopped him before he could continue further.

 **Ron: What?**

 **Harry: Don't you get it? It's over, we lost. Okay? Sirius is dead, Umbridge won. The school is ruined, it's over.**

"I'm waiting for a motivational song at this point.", said Parvati.

Cho looked down at her watch, "Any minute now."

 **Draco: Hey! *points* The Harry Potter I know wouldn't just give up.**

 **Harry: That's because the Harry Potter you know is a twelve-year-old superhero! And I'm just an eleven-year-old child. How can we do anything when there's no time?**

Hermione raised an eyebrow, "Doesn't Malfoy have a Time-Turner?"

 **Draco: Time… Hold on to me, friends!**

 **Hermione: Wait, Draco, what are you doing?**

 **Draco: Alright everyone, I hope you're wearing your diapers, 'cause you're gonna sh*t your pants.**

"I thought he learned how to use the toilet.", said Ron.

Hermione laughed, "I think we all knew that would never happen."

"What's that supposed to mean?", asked a stormy Draco

 **Everyone: WOOOAAH!**

 **Harry: Draco, what did you just do?**

 **Hermione: Where are we?**

"Welcome to… the past!", said Seamus overdramatically.

 **Ron: Why'd I sh*t my pants?**

 **Draco: It's merely a side-effect of negative light speed travel. Quick, hide!**

 **Past Snape: And go- *motorboats***

"Oh, my favorite scene once again.", sighed Harry.

 **Past Harry: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just going to…**

 **Harry: Oh my god, who's that? I think I'm in love.**

Dean laughed, "Isn't that the actress who plays me? Harry's right, she is really pretty." He winked at Harry, who blushed.

 **Past Snape: Potter, what I'm trying to say is I'm torn up. If you go in there, then you're going to be in big trouble.**

 **Draco: We can't be seen!**

"...Or heard.", said Ginny.

 **Past Snape: Forget you. Oh, Potter, what really pisses me off…**

 **Harry: Snape, can I say something for a second?**

Snape rubbed his forehead, "Oh I'm sure this is gonna be good."

There was a strong feeling of guilt stabbing Harry in the stomach, and he knew exactly what needed to be done to be free of that shame.

"Professor Snape.. I'm really sorry if I've treated you harshly up until recently. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I just wanted you to know."

 **Past Snape: Sure.**

 **Harry: Now listen, I've realized something. You live a pretty thankless, selfless, miserable life. Despite how much everybody hates you, you stick by Dumbledore and you take care of us kids. And I've never said this but you're a great guy, and thank you.**

Snape finally said something in response to Harry. "I completely and wholly forgive you, Harry."

Ginny whispered to Harry, "What's come over you? I mean, this is nice and all, but normally you wouldn't have done something like that."

Harry shook his head, "I have no idea. Something inside just told me that it needed to be done."

Ginny squeezed his hand.

 **Past Snape: Harry Potter, you're a hero. I was going to let those Death Eaters murder you, but now I'm going to sober up and save you. Thank you, Harry Potter, figment of my own guilt.**

 **Draco: Potter, what were you trying to lead us straight to folly? One more hotshot move like that and you could rupture the space-time continuum.**

"Well it wasn't exactly a 'hot-shot' move," reasoned Harry, "He's really drunk."

"Oh shut up, Potter!", exclaimed Draco.

 **Harry: What are you talking about?**

 **Draco: Where were we exactly one hour ago?**

"Kicking Death Eater arse?", contributed Dean.

 **Hermione: Uh, I don't know. I think we were…**

 **Past Ron: We're going to deliver a pizza!**

 **Draco: Get down!**

 **Past Ron: Then I'll punch him in the face.**

Ginny laughed, "Is that how the plan was formed?"

"Hey, it worked.", said Ron.

 **Past Hermione: I don't know about this, Ron.**

 **Ron: Is that us?!**

 **Draco: In a way. That was us from one hour ago. That was our past selves. I used my Father's Time Turner to travel back in time!**

Hermione raised a brow, "It took them that long to figure out where they were?"

"Not everyone is the 'smartest b*tch of their age', Mudblood.", said Voldemort.

Hermione just rolled her eyes.

 **Hermione: That's why we sh*t our pants.**

 **Draco: Yes, but don't you see, Potter? Now we have time. Time-**

 **Harry: Time to save Sirius!**

Draco crossed his arms over his chest, "She doesn't even get to finish her lines."

"Oh would you just shut up, you prat! It's just one line!", yelled Ginny.

 **Ron: Oh no-no-no-no, we can't beat Umbridge. She's still so strong!**

 **Hermione: She's working with a band of Dementors.**

 **Harry: We can use Patronus Charm that Lupin taught us.**

"That would've been useful earlier.", said Parvati.

 **Ron: But when you use the Patronus, you have to have a happy thought, okay? And every time we get near those Dementors, I'm just super sad. There is absolutely no way we can win.**

 **Harry: No way? You listen to me now. For eleven years I was a Muggle douchebag living under some stairs. But this year I found out I'm a wizard. I'm famous, I can fly, turn invisible and I just traveled the f*ck back in time. So f*ck you, Draco, how's that for a happy thought? There's absolutely no way that there is no way. You hear me?**

"Here we go.", said Cho with a huge grin on her face.

 ***song time* My mind is racing, but my heart it beats faster. I'm in control, commander and master. Lady Fate, contemplating disaster- but she ain't the boss of me! Uh-uh.**

Hermione giggled, "That's not entirely true, but I like the optimism!"

 **Head-on collision with a catastrophic setback, makes you either wanna get lost, or get back. I choose the latter; let's not forget that we hold the cards this time, so there's no need to b*tch or whine!**

"I think we know who he's singing about.", said Harry.

Hermione frowned, "Would you lay off of Draco.. Please?"

 **There's no way I'm gonna take another option, no way I am gonna settle with a loss! No way I'm gonna sit around and watch, there's no, no way… There's no way you're gonna find me in the background, no damn way you gonna see me satisfied! No way they're ever gonna make back down, no, no way.**

 **Draco: *begins singing* Home field advantage, the upper hand is ours, so the game is on!**

"She has such a lovely voice.", said Luna.

 **Ron & Hermione: *sings* The clock ticks, but we've got our tricks to fuss with and fix what's wrong!**

 **Harry: *continues singing* Let's wake up and go, guys, take out the bad guys, break out your mad eyes-**

"How cool would it be if we all had one of those?", said Seamus.

Ron nodded, "I'll talk to Fred and George."

 **All: YEAH! We'll take it on together, we're stronger and we're better, and if there's a problem-**

 **All: Whatever! There's no way we're gonna leave it up to chance, there's no damn way we're gonna go without a fight! No way you're gonna see us on our a**. There's no, no way… There's no way we're gonna settle with sorrow, leave right now if you think this ain't real! Today, not waitin' for tomorrow! No, no way there's no way, no, no way there's no way, no, no way, there's no way, there's no waaaaaaay!**

"I feel moved.", said Neville.


	50. AVPS Act 2 Part 11

**A/N: Alright, so I got a couple more votes and I'm here to give you the final results. The winner of the contest is Ron with 62% of the votes. Sorry to those of you who prefer Draco, but the Romione ship is getting ready to sail. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Act 2 Part 11**

 **Harry: There's absolutely nothing that can get in the way of us saving Sirius.**

 **Lucius: No, you idiot, there they are!**

"Right on cue.", said Neville.

 **Kids: AH!**

 **Lucius: Got you, Potter.**

 **Ron: Holy sh*t.**

"Is it the hair or the surprise attack?", asked Ron.

Hermione laughed, "You're just jealous."

 **Lucius: Forget Umbridge and her teachers, I'm killing you right here, right now, Potter.**

 **Draco: No, Papa. *does a Grande Jeté* You'll not.**

"How graceful.", remarked Ginny.

Draco turned red and sank lower into his seat.

 **Lucius: Drah-co, you danced. I finally taught you something!**

 **Draco: No, the centaurs taught me that. Body-Bind Hex!**

 **Lucius: *falls gracefully to the floor* Oh no.**

"So, is he a dancer?", asked Luna.

Harry shrugged, "It would make sense. However, I could see him being one of those people who are told by others that they had no talent, but that person still thinks they're better than everyone else so they continue doing that 'talent'."

 **Draco: Yaxley, how would you like to work for me now?**

 **Yaxley: Yes sir, Mr. Malfoy.**

 **Harry: Alright.**

 **Ron: Awesome, adults.**

Dumbledore nodded, "Indeed, Mr. Weasley."

 **Lucius: So I suppose you'll audition for the Met now?**

 **Draco: No. I'm auditioning for the wizard cops.**

"Question," said Cho, "What are wizard cops?"

"Wizard cops are nonexistent. They're basically like the Ministry Police.", said Hermione.

 **Lucius: Damn.**

 **Draco: How does this sound? 'You're going to jail!'**

 **Lucius: It sounded forced.**

"Really?", said Seamus, "I didn't think so."

Parvati laughed, "I think you need your hearing checked out, Seamus."

 ***Draco walks away* Coward! If you were any kind of real man, you'd finish me off yourself.**

 **Draco: Come on, friends, let's turn in this belly-rumbling cur.**

"What the bloody hell is a cur?", asked Ron.

"A dog.", said Harry.

"A mean person.", said Ginny.

 **Kids & Yaxley: Yeah…**

 **Lucius: Don't you want to know who your real father is?**

 **Draco: What?**

Draco shot up in his seat, "Did I hear that correctly? Who my real father is?"

Everyone was gaping, so no one said anything.

 **Lucius: You were never my real son. How could you be, you're always such a horrible disappointment to me.**

 **Hermione: Draco, don't listen to him. He's just trying to trick you.**

"Is he though?", said Dean.

 **Harry: He's a liar.**

 **Ron: He's an a**hole.**

 **Yaxley: Yeah.**

"I don't think he's lying. He looks serious.", said Neville.

 **Draco: Tell me who my father is, or I'll hex you, you wiener jacket.**

 **Lucius: You do have some Narcissa in you, that tramp mother of yours. She choreographed an affair with someone behind my back, someone I trusted, someone I may have even loved.**

"Snape?", asked Dumbledore.

Snape sneered at the thought, "Hardly."

 **Harry: Ollivander?**

 **Hermione: Filch?**

 **Ron: Regulus Black, Sirius' brother?**

"I don't really understand the last two name, but one I completely don't understand is Ollivander. Why Ollivander?", said Ron.

Harry shrugged, "Who knows? Maybe that's where he was forced to stay for the entire time on his trips to Diagon Alley. Maybe his parents were embarrassed of him."

 **Yaxley: Me?**

 **Lucius: No… Dobby. My former House-elf.**

Practically everyone in the room screamed in laughter. Draco just wanted out of the room. He hid his face from everyone else, and silently cried.

"Wait," said Ginny, "So when you say 'My father will hear about this.' you really mean 'I'm telling Dobby!"

Draco glared at her with his tear stained face, "He's not my real father! IT'S JUST A PLAY!"

The room went silent, so the only thing anyone could ever hear were the sounds of Draco's quiet sobs.

 **Draco: No…**

 **Lucius: Oh yes… it explains a lot, doesn't it? Your irrational fear of the potty?**

"It's like they had this planned beforehand…", said Hermione.

 **Hermione: Over 600 house-elves die in toilet-related incidents every year. They fall in.**

 **Lucius: Why else would you have such a little D?**

Everyone was starting to feel guilty of making fun of Malfoy, although he is a prat most of the time.

 **Draco: It's so small.**

 **Lucius: IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE A F*CKING ELF!**

The Room suddenly had a door, and Draco went running out of it. Once he was gone, the Room sounded again, "Do not worry. He will be back when he is composed."

Hermione stood up and ran out the door before it had time to disappear, leaving behind a jealous and upset Ron.

 **Draco: Oh, Dobby, now I lament all those times that I've beat him senseless within an inch of his life and, oh right, yeah that one time when I drowned a litter of his young, my… brothers?**

"Merlin!", exclaimed Cho.

 **Lucius: So now you know. Could you imagine the scandal if that got out? " _Lucius Malfoy's Wife Beds Smeagol_ ". So, I had to take you in. You should be thanking me for raising you and sending that treacherous creature away.**

Ron sighed heavily and closed his eyes, "I don't even want to know what a Smeagol is."

 **Draco: So he's still alive?**

 **Lucius: Perhaps, but now I see that banishment is far too merciful a penalty. Yours shall be far steeper! *steals Draco's wand* Crrrr-**

"Is the rolling of the R's really necessary?", asked Dean.

 **Hermione: No, he's a poor little elf!**

 **Lucius: -UCIO!**

 **Hermione: AROOOOOOOOO!**

"Are we sure she's not a werewolf, too?", asked Neville.

Harry rolled his eyes, "She isn't."

 **Ron: Hermione!**

 **Lucius: Oh, does that upset you, boy? CRUCIO!**

 **Draco: NO, no…**

 **Lucius: I'm going to finish you off, one by one, starting with her. And Draco? You'll watch your friends die, and then I'll do what I should have done twelve years ago. Avada-**

"Since when were they friends?", asked Ginny.

 ***Lupin in wolf form arrives***

 **Ron and Harry: Lupin!**

 **Lucius: It's ah… it's a robot!**

"I'm going to stick with goblin.", said Luna.

 **Ron: Kill him!**

 ***Lupin fights Lucius***

 ***Kids Cheer***

 **Harry: Well, let's go save Sirius.**

"Sirius is still alive?", asked Voldemort.

"I guess.", said Dumbledore.

 **Ron: No, Yaxley,our second best adult friend, this way.**

 ***WHAT HAPPENED OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM BETWEEN DRACO AND HERMIONE***

The door had led to a hallway that none of the students had ever seen before. It must have been created by the Room.

Draco had balled himself up into a corner and was still crying. Every once in awhile he would moan about how the school would rue the day they had made fun of him.

Hermione saw Draco crying, and walked over to him. She took his hand and made him stand up.

"Look, Draco, we need to talk."

Draco groaned, "Great. Now what? Come to tease me even more?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Get over yourself. It's about you and me. I don't think this is working out."

Draco's eyes widened just a bit, "You don't like me?"

She took a deep breath, "I'm not going to beat around the bush. I just don't feel the same way as you do anymore. I like someone else."

"Who is it?", he breathed.

Hermione took a step back before saying, "Ron."

Draco sighed, "Go. Please just go."

Hermione nodded, "Goodbye, Draco."

Then she was gone.


	51. AVPS Act 2 Part 12

At this point, Hermione was back in the room, but there was still no sign of Draco. Hermione was feeling guilty, but she knew what she had done was for the best. She knew she shouldn't overthink her decisions. Ron smiled in what was sort of a mix between relief and anxiety. Hermione made her way next to him, and didn't hesitate to lay her head on his shoulder.

 **Act 2 Part 12**

 **Umbridge: Kiss them all, kiss the children!**

 **Dumbledore: Magic! Ah, Harry. Let's go, boy.**

"What about Sirius?!", asked a tense Harry.

Ginny patted his back, "Don't worry, he'll be safe."

 ***they escape***

 **Umbridge: No, get them! Ah, forget them. We'll get them later. Dementors, I order you to kiss Sirius Black.**

 ***they show back up***

 **Harry: The only person that's going to kiss Sirius Black is me.**

"Is it just me," asked Hermione, "Or does everyone else get uncomfortable when he talks like that?"

Everyone in the room nodded with several "yeah's" sounding.

 **Ron: And me.**

 **Hermione: And me.**

 **Draco: And me.**

 **Yaxley: And I'll kiss him too.**

"This is basically a six-some.", muttered Seamus.

Dean nodded, "The heart wants what the heart wants."

 **Umbridge: Potter? But I… but you just went… but I saw you go… but… DUH! Fine, it doesn't matter. Dementors, I order you to kiss all the childrens.**

 **Harry: It's time to put our Patronus' to the test. Get those happy thoughts ready.**

"What's Draco's Patronus?", asked Luna.

Dumbledore shook his head, "It's best not to ask about that, Ms. Lovegood."

 **Ron: And don't cross the streams.**

 **All Five: Expecto Patronum!**

"What even are half of those?", asked Ron.

Hermione shrugged, "Just Muggle things."

 **Umbridge: No! Nooo! NOOOOOO! Now my friends are going!**

 **Harry: Now for you, Umbridge. You terrible, horrid b*tch. You just want everybody to be as miserable as you are. You're so focused on your past that you can't appreciate the present. That's no way to live. How can you possibly move forward if you're always looking back?**

 **Umbridge: Oh my god. How come I never saw it before?**

Neville gulped, "Something's odd. It's not like her to repent of her evil ways."

Cho shook her head, "No, it really isn't."

 **Harry: Umbridge, there's always time to make amends.**

 **Umbridge: How come I never saw… what a little fairy you are, Potter! Weapons, now! *wands drops and Draco puts down small gun* And the one behind your back. *Draco takes out dagger* Now for you, Potter. I think it's time for that long overdue punishment. I'm gonna pop your head off with my bicep. I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you, Momma!**

"Bloody hell!", exclaimed Seamus, "He has a gun!"

"I doubt he would have used it.", said Hermione.

Ginny shrugged, "I honestly have no idea anymore."

 **Firenze: *Neighs* Not if the good Firenze has anything to say about it.**

 **Kids: It's Firenze, our centaur friend!**

 **Firenze: It sure it. You. You b*tch, unhand HP at once!**

Harry smirked, "You know, I kind of like the nickname 'HP'. It makes me feel pretty cool."

Ginny shook her head, "I'm not going to start calling you 'HP'."

 **Umbridge: Fine. I'm not afraid of you. I'm gonna pone this pony! *fights Firenze***

 **Kids: Go! Go, Firenze! Go!**

*Umbridge slaps Firenze*

"If Umbridge kills Firenze, there will be even less centaurs to populate the wizarding world.", said Parvati.

Dumbledore nodded, "We better hope it doesn't come to that."

 **Hermione: Oh!**

 **Firenze: This must be the emotion you humans know as blood. I'm bleeding.**

"I wouldn't call it an emotion.", said Neville.

Voldemort snorted, "They sure treat it like it is."

 **Umbridge: Bring it, motherf*cker.**

 ***Umbridge hits Firenze where his human balls are***

 **Firenze: My chest! *They fight more* Silence!**

"Ouch, that look like it hurt." said Lavender.

 **Umbridge: No! No, this is impossible! I'm invincible!**

 **Firenze: Oh ho, what marvelous strength! Rapturous day! Finally, I may have found someone powerful enough to survive coitus with the centaurs.**

Hermione gasped, "Oh. My. Gods. He's not serious?"

 **Kids: YAY!**

 **Umbridge: What?!**

 **Firenze: I shall take her back to my tree village and tonight the centaurs will make celebracion with dance, and song, and music, and much coitus with this one.**

Hermione howled with laughter, "He is! He is serious!"

Ron grimaced, "Let's just hope the little foal centaurs take after their fathers."

 **Kids: Yay!**

 **Firenze: Thank you, Harry Potter. You have saved my people.**

 **Umbridge: No, I can't have coitus with a bunch of centaurs. I have a boyfriend! Help me, help me, help me, help me!**

"It's like she wasn't even listening.", said Dean.

"She most likely wasn't.", replied Seamus.

 **Kids: Yay!**

The clip turned off, and there were a few technical difficulties. No matter, however, the Disembodied voice claimed all would be well.

In the meantime, Hermione was curled against Ron, and he had his arm around her. Harryy and Ginny, likewise, were doing the same. Draco had returned, and was talking to Luna about what he had missed. When he did finally look over at Hermione, there was a plain look of disgust on his face.

And, friend, all seemed to be well again.


	52. AVPS Act 2 Part 13

**Act 2 Part 13**

 **Harry: We did it, guys.**

 **Dumbledore: Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, what happened to Umbridge and the Dementors?**

Voldemort smirked, "I have no idea about the Dementors, but I'm sure Umbridge is having a whole lot of fun in her new ranch."

 **Harry: Oh, we took care of all that. I have a funny feeling we're not going to be seeing Umbridge again. Ever.**

 **Cho: Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it, ya'll.**

 **Everyone: YAY!**

Harry grinned, "Did you ever doubt me?"

"Of course not, Harry.", said Ginny in a sarcastic tone.

 **Sirius: Ugh, my aching head…**

 **Seamus: Bloody F*ck!**

 **Dean: It's Sirius Black!**

Seamus shrugged, "I guess he didn't die after all."

"Don't speak too soon.", whispered Dean in Seamus' ear.

 **Arthur: Quick, somebody call the Ministry!**

 **Molly: Oh, Arthur.**

"Doesn't Mr. Weasley have a hat just like that? I'm just now noticing it.", said Hermione.

Ron shrugged, "Maybe. My dad has quite a few hats. A few from the Muggle world, of course."

 **Arthur: Oh, that's me isn't it? I'm silly.**

 **Harry: We're alright. It's okay, Sirius is our friend.**

 **Hermione: Yeah, he's really nice now.**

Harry coughed, "Now?"

"He always has been.", giggled Hermione.

"Always.", muttered Snape beneath his breath.

 **Dumbledore: It's true, everybody, he was framed. And he's cute, too.**

 **Arthur: But I'm afraid there's no proof.**

 **Lupin: *carries Peter in and throws on ground * How much "no proof" is there now? What you're looking at is the corpse of Peter Pettigrew, the man through to be killed by Sirius years ago. Can I get a time-of-death on this please?**

"Yes, I'm sure there's some sort of Healer in the crowd of Hogwarts students."said Ginny.

 **Neville: Well, I'm no coroner, but it looks like he was killed, uh, ten minutes and thirty-six seconds ago.**

 **Lupin: Thanks, Neville. How could Sirius have killed him years ago if he's only been dead for ten and a half minutes?**

Neville gasped, "They didn't call me Schlongbottom!"

Luna patted Neville on the back, "Things are looking up, Neville."

 **Molly: Yeah, why does he look all freshly bloody and mangled?**

 **Arthur: Yeah, how did he end up like that? Lupin?**

 **Molly: Yeah, Lupin.**

Voldemort sneered, "It must have been the goblins."

 **Lupin: Yes, probably the work of that infamous Hogwarts jaguar.**

 **Dumbledore: Makes sense to me.**

 **Lupin: Yeah yes, the Hogwarts jaguar, responsible for so much property damage to Hogwarts this year, especially in my office- cough cough- Lupin shouldn't have to pay for that. Yes, who said that? Probably that jaguar! Bless his soft adorable paws that he trips over when he starts running too fast.**

"It seems like he's on some sort of trip.", said Dean.

Seamus laughed, "Doesn't it always seem like that?"

 **Arthur: Well, in light of this new evidence, I on behalf of the Ministry of Magic, hereby absolve Sirius Black of all crimes.**

 **Molly: Oh, Ronnie, you're a hero, my son.**

Ron grimaced, "I like what Sirius said better."

 **Sirius: Kids, come here. You saved me. Thank you so much.**

 **Harry: Of course, Sirius, hey, listen I was wondering maybe this summer instead of going back to the Dursleys, I was wondering if maybe I could stay with you?**

 **Sirius: Harry, I am homeless. Can I live with you?**

Harry's eyes widened, "Just imagine that. Me, Sirius, and the Dursleys, all in the same room."

"I think if anything is impossible, it would most likely be that. Remember how you scared them by telling them about Sirius?", said Hermione.

Harry smiled at the thought, "Oh, yeah."

 **Harry: I don't think the Dursleys would like that very much. So, where you gonna go?**

 **Sirius: I don't know. I mean, I've been in prison for so long I thought I'd just travel the world. I've always wanted to see Venice.**

Cho squealed, "What if he and Lupin travel the world together?! They're both homeless!"

 **Harry: Well if you're gonna be gone for a while, why don't you take this with you? Accio broom!**

 **Sirius: Thanks,Harry, your Firebolt.**

 **Harry: Listen, Sirius, do you want some money or something?**

 **Sirius: Oh no, no, I couldn't… how much do you have on your person? I'm just going to take your whole wallet. God bless you, you coming, Lupie?**

"They're adorable.", remarked Luna.

Neville nodded, "They sure are."

 **Remus: Sure am, Sirius.**

 **Harry: Lupin, aren't you going to stay and be our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?**

 **Lupin: No, Harry, I've quite literally taught you everything that I know. The last lesson was how to get yourself fired, in fact, Dumbledore just fired me.**

 **Dumbledore: Yep!**

 **Lupin: Even after my fake jaguar story and everything.**

Dean snapped his fingers as if to say 'what a shame'.

Seamus nodded, "I really thought Dumbledore would buy into that jaguar story."

 **Harry: There you go. Oh man, I'm gonna miss you guys.**

 **Lupin: Hey, don't you worry, Harry, I'm sure we're going to be seeing plenty of each other next year. Isn't that right, Draco?**

 **Draco: Oh! Rather not say.**

Everyone just stared blankly at the screen, unsure of what to say.

 **Lupin: Alright.**

 **Sirius: Hop on, Lupie.**

 **Lupin: I'm taking front.**

 **Sirius: Take the captain's seat.**

 **Lupin: Well…**

 **Both: BYE!**

"Well…" said Hermione, "I'm sure they'll have a lot of fun on their trip."

Ron nodded, "I dare say they will, 'Mione."

 **Snape: Ugh, my head. I'm so magically hung over.**

 **Dumbledore: What did you last night, Severus?**

 **Snape: Well, I broke a couple of my own rules, I suppose. Confessed my love for Lily Evans, I saved Harry Potter, and I made out with Grubbly-Plank again.**

Dumbledore rolled his eyes, "Severus, you better not have actually done that again."

Snape put his hands up in defense, "If I did, I don't recall it."

 **Dumbledore: Severus, you're too cute.**

 **Rita: Well hot damn, it certainly has been a remarkable day, hasn't it, HP and co.? I'm going to write an article all about it. Perhaps it could make the Prophet's front page.**

 **Everyone: Yay!**

Lavender cringed, "Why would you cheer for that? She's dreadful!"

 **Dumbledore: Come on down to the Great Hall, kids, for a wicked party! A 5-6-7-8!**

 **Everyone: Hermione can't draw. Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw! She only reads books and she cannot draw even if she's reading a how-to-draw book!**

 **Hermione: Draco, aren't you coming?**

 **Draco: I'd reckon I'd run into my past-self there, so… no.**

"Speaking of Mr. Malfoy, how are you doing?", asked Dumbledore.

Draco only sneered at the professor, and didn't say anything.

 **Hermione: Oh, see ya. Hey, Draco?**

 **Draco: Yeah?**

 **Hermione: I was wondering… if you and your dad really did come back in time, then how was our first year at Hogwarts really supposed to go?**

Hermione sighed, "Not the greatest year."

Ron rubbed her shoulder in response.

 **Draco: Oh well, looking back on it, it's supposed to go exactly like this, just makes a lot more sense to me now. I guess we were always supposed to come back. Well, I have to go to the forest and wait to catch up to my own time, so goodbye, Miss Granger.**

 **Hermione: Bye.**

 **Draco: Miss Granger?**

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Merlin! Just call me Hermione."

 **Hermione: Yes?**

 **Draco: I know past me might say some awful things, but I hope you can forgive him.**

 **Hermione: No, I can't forgive him… but I think it's about time that I forgave you.**

Cho Chang sniffed, "If I'm being completely honest, I think I'm going to cry."

 **Draco: Hermione, I have something to tell you.**

 **Hermione: Yes, Draco?**

 **Draco: You're the prettiest girl in the entire school.**

Hermione pressed her back against Ron, stony-faced.

 **Hermione: Really?**

 **Draco: And I'm actually quite fond of you.**

 **Hermione: Draco, what are you saying?**

 **Draco: I didn't come back just to save Harry. I guess what I'm saying is that every time I look into those beautiful boobies of yours, I can't help but feel that I'm in danger of falling in love with Hermione…**

Draco's expression softened, but the line only seemed to upset Hermione more, and, needless to say, Ron.

 **Hermione: Oh, oh, oh no.**

 **Draco: What?**

 **Hermione: Draco, I know that I have the lowest self-esteem out of anyone at Hogwarts, but… but I think that I can do better.**

Draco was red with anger now, not even taking into account that it's a play. Voldemort found this to be quite an amusing show.

 **Draco: Oh, right. Sure, no problem. No kisses for Little D, that's fine. I'm an a**hole.**

 **Hermione: No, don't feel bad. Listen, you're always going to be a stepping stone on my journey to feeling good about myself. So thanks for being there for me to step on. Bye!**

 **Draco: Yeah, no problem. See ya. What a b*tch.**

"Bloody hell.", muttured Hermione.

Ron laughed, "That's right, 'Mione."

 **Firenze: Why, my best friend and leader, Little D. Why the long face, my king?**

 **Draco: Oh, nothing, just b*tches ruining my life.**

 **Firenze: Oh, Little D, I've seen you grow up so much over the course of this past year. You're brave now. You're courageous. You're artistic, you're heroic. Little D, you're cool. Hold on, that's me. It's a text from Umbridge.**

Seamus imitated Lucius, "Oh my God, Umbridge, stop texting me!"

 **Draco: What'd she say?**

 **Firenze: "Where do you go? I miss my little pony. Less than three." Ha, oh a heart. I rather like this human. Well, Little D, we should get going back to the centaur tree village.**

 **Draco: You're right. No sense sticking around here. This place has really gone to the dogs.**

"I feel so bad, but then again I don't because it's Draco.", said Ginny.

"Same here.", said Harry.

 **Luna: Well perhaps next year you'll be transferred to Pigfarts.**

 **Draco: You know about Pigfarts?**

 **Luna: Oh yes, there's an article all about it in this week's Quibbler. Care to read it with me?**

 **Draco: Oh, I don't need to read an article to know about Pigfarts. I can tell you all about Professor McGonagills, the Flying Fish, Slitheress Snake and his vendetta against Growles Rumbleroar.**

"That sounds oddly familiar.", said Neville.

 **Luna: I'd like that. I'm Luna Lovegood.**

 **Draco: Oh right, you're that girl that was mysteriously absent from our second year.**

 **Luna: Yes.**

 **Draco: Would you like to come live in the centaur village with me?**

"Nice and forward, Draco. That's how you get them.", said Dean.

"Oh, shut up, Thomas!"

 **Luna: Sure. Good think I brought extra diapers.**

 **Draco: I wear diapers too.**

 **Luna: All respectable wizards do.**

 **Firenze: Neither of you are riding on my back, let's walk.**

Luna had a small look of disgust on her face, but it quickly disappeared when she regained her composure.


	53. AVPS Act 2 Part 14

**Act 2 Part 14**

 **Dumbledore: Glad to know that things are finally getting back to normal around her. It's good to have you back, Zefron.**

Lavender sighed in relief, "It's good to know that the poster survived the battle."

 **Voldemort: *pops out of Zefron head* It's good to be back.**

 **Scarfy: Oh, Sorty, I missed you like the Dickens.**

"I have never heard that phrase used before.", said Luna.

Hermione shrugged, "I guess it's just another Muggle thing."

 **Sorting Hat: Scarfy, I've had a lot of time to thing and, well, I never want to be apart from you again. Will you make me the happiest hat alive and be my magical enchanted accessory for life?**

 **Scarfy: You call that a proposal?! Oh, Sortie, you're hopeless. But yes! Yes, wizard god, yes! *two pieces of material make out***

Cho raised an eyebrow, "How… cute?"

"Yes, indeed, cute.", said Snape.

 **Dumbledore: Congratulations, you two! Can I be the best man?**

 **Scarfy: Oh, Dumble-dear.**

"I'm not against it at all, but is Scarfy a man?", asked Seamus.

"Well," said Dumbledore, "When we had a scarf of our own it embodied every sexuality, so I would say it's every gender."

 **Harry: Hey, Professor Dumbledore.**

 **Dumbledore: Oh hey, Harry.**

 **Harry: I was just stopping by to say goodbye before I went home for the summer.**

"Oh, what if he doesn't come back for next year?", asked Ginny.

Hermione laughed, "Ginny, don't you remember? This is the year before the last musical."

 **Dumbledore: Oh that was very sweet of you, boy. While you're here, I've got something that belongs to you. Harry, I don't know if I can ever thank you enough. Not only did you help save me, but you also helped save the entire school and Sirius Black. Harry, we are cool, I meat it. From now on, boy, you and me- we're tight.**

 **Harry: Really?**

 **Dumbledore: I knew it ever since you were a little baby ad I let you with the Dursleys, one day you'd grow up and be a great Gryffindor just like your mom and dad. I'm sure they're very proud of you wherever they are now.**

Hermione fanned her face, "I honestly think I'm going to cry."

Ron rubbed her shoulder in support.

Draco rolled his eyes, "Mudbloods."

 **Harry: Dumbledore, about my parents and the Dursleys…**

 **Dumbledore: Yeah?**

 **Harry: How come I had to grow up in the Muggle world where everything just kind of sucks? Why couldn't I have grown up in the wizarding world where everybody is, I don't know, really cool and treats me like…**

"Totally different from the kids here?", suggested Dean.

 **Dumbledore: Worships you? Treats you like an idol and not like a little boy? Harry, I didn't want you to grow up in a world where this wasn't special. Because it's our time away from Hogwarts that makes these seven short years so precious. It's like with Ron and Herman. Truly you're not going to see them for a while now, but Harry, you've got these days of summer to remind you how much you really love them.**

 **Harry:Yeah, I guess so.**

Ginny faked a cough, "What about Ron and Hermione? Isn't there something there? Are they going to show anything?"

Hermione and Ron both turned red but didn't say anything.

 **Dumbledore: It'll all make sense when you're older, now get outta here, you little scamp. I've got to go interview a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I've got it down to, ah, Gilderoy Lockhart, Mad-Eye Moody, and some fella named Squirrel. I don't want anybody dangerous, so I think I'm gonna go with the Squirrel. I'll see you next year, boy.**

 **Harry: I'm gonna miss you, Dumbledore.**

 **Dumbledore: I'll miss you too, kid. I love you. *snaps fingers* Disapparate!**

Snape looked over to Dumbledore, "Can you actually do that?"

Dumbledore winked, "I can, Severus. I'll show you later."

 **Seamus: Alright Harry, see you next year.**

 **Harry: Alright, have a good summer, Seamus.**

 **Dean: Peace my brother, my brother.**

 **Harry: Ah, take it outta here you crazy son of a b*tch.**

Dean pretended to wipe a tear away, "What a beautiful scene."

 **Snape: Harry Potter! I thought you might like this. It's a picture of your mother, the last one known before she died.**

 **Harry: Thanks, Snape. That's really nice of you. You really are a great guy.**

 **Snape: I said you'd like it, not that you can have it. It's going back under my pillow where it belongs.**

Harry frowned at the screen, "I should've seen that one coming."

Voldemort was actually laughing.

 **Harry: Geez, Snape is such a d*ck.**

 **Ron: Hey, we don't have to worry about that now, Harry, because well.. because it's summer.**

 ***Song time***

 **We've got these days of summer to, remind us of each other!**

 **Hermione: The time we have to spend apart, will keep us in each other's hearts!**

 **Harry: I'm hoping that the good old days are something I will dream about at night.**

 **Draco: Don't matter if it's sooner or later, I know that it's gonna be alright!**

At this point, a few of the students were crying. It seemed as though they thought this was the end of their musical days.

 **All: I don't wanna see you go, but it's not forever- not forever! Even if it was you know that I would never let it get me down! 'Cause you're the part of me that makes me better wherever I go, so I will try not to cry, but no one needs to say goodbye.**

 ***Begin amazing choreography***

 **Dean: I can't stop dancing, ya'll.**

 **All: Whoa, whoa,whoa! Ow ow ow ow ow!**

"Those are some graceful dance moves.", said Neville.

 **All: Summer! Whoa! I don't wanna see you go but it's not forever, not forever! Even if it was you know that I would never let it get me down. 'Cause you're the part of me that makes me better wherever I go! So I will try not to cry, but no one needs to say goodbye!**

 ***End song time***

 **Hermione: Harry, can you believe that we only get seven years at Hogwarts?**

 **Harry: Yeah, but that's what makes it so special. Sure we have to go back home for the summer, but imagine how totally awesome going back is going to be. Until then, I've got to go back to the Muggle world. They're gonna try to tell me none of this is real or none of this happened. You know what? It was real and it did happen. We spent time here, we made friends here, that's a part of us. Because Hogwarts, it's bigger than any of us; it's bigger than any of its founders. It's gonna be around long after we're gone. Maybe we'll see our kids come here one day. That's the thing about Hogwarts, no matter how long you're away from it, well there's always a way back.**

"That sounded a lot like my speech, Mr. Potter.", said Dumbledore.

Harry shrugged.

 ***All sing again***

 **Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts; to goblins and ghosts, and to magical feasts. It's all that I love, and it's all that I need at Hogwarts. Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends.**

 **To Gryffindor!**

 **Hufflepuff!**

 **Ravenclaw!**

 **Slytherin!**

Back to the place where our story begins, at Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

 **Dumbledore: I'm sorry, what'd you say?**

 **All: Hogwarts! Hogwarts!**

 **Dumbledore: I didn't hear you kids!**

 **All: HOGWARTS! HOGWARTS!**

 **Harry: Man, I'm glad I went back.**

"Whoa, that end part went by really quickly.", said Ginny.

"So that's it?", asked Hermione.

The disembodied voice spoke, "But wait, there's more."

* * *

 **A/N: Don't worry, AVPSY reactions will be here soon!**


	54. AVPSY Act 1 Part 1

**Disclaimer: Once again, my friends, I don't own anything related to Harry Potter. I also do not own any of the installments in the "A Very Potter Musical" series. All credits are to J.K. Rowling and the theatrical group Starkid. Please keep reviews strictly constructive criticism or encouragement. As I'm sure you know, if you're a fanfiction writer, it really hurts to receive negative reviews. Anyway, let's get into the final installment of the series. I've now been working on this story for 2 years, and I'd like to thank everyone who has been with me through the process of writing this story. It really means alot to me. :)**

 **AVPSY Act 1 Part 1**

*Poof!*

In no time, some of Hogwarts' students and professors were once again in the room that had not yet been named. The layout of where everyone sat was different this time. In the right of the room, on a loveseat, sat Ron and Hermione. On the ground below them laid Harry and Ginny. Across the room was where Draco and his posse sat, glaring at the two couples. Parvati, Luna, and Neville sat with Seamus and Dean at the far end of the room on a rather long sofa. Beside that sofa were two rocking chairs, where Snape and Dumbledore were located. Voldemort was in a corner, not necessarily far away from people, but that doesn't mean he didn't try to be.

Draco groaned, "I have a Potions assignment due tomorrow!"

"Mr. Malfoy, that was due last week.", said Snape.

Draco sat back on the couch and grumbled a little more. No one really knew if he was upset about Hermione, or if he was just returning to his former self. But then again, no one really cared.

The screen turned on once again, and the musical began.

 **Narrator: Act 1 Scene 1: The Department of Mysteries. A dark stage; we hear the 'ding' of an elevator as it comes to a stop. An Elevator Voice says..**

 **Elevator Voice: Bottom floor. The Department of Mysteries.**

 **Luna: Lumos.**

"Hey!", exclaimed Neville, "That's not the same Luna as in the last musical."

Draco laughed scornfully, "Nice work, Captain Obvious."

 **Neville: Luna! Wait for me!**

 **Luna: Come on, Neville!**

 **Neville: Sorry, it's a nervous tick. I slow down whenever I have to hurry up.**

Ron nodded, "You know, that explains a lot of things."

In seeing the hurt look on Neville's face, Ron frowned. "Oi, Neville, I was just joking." Neville sat back, and didn't say anything.

 **Luna: Wow we're here. The Department of Mysteries. Isn't it wonderful? All the world's most mysterious and magical anomalies in one booby-trapped labyrinth. I wanna see the Room of Death!**

Hermione shot up in her seat, "Is that an actual place?"

Dumbledore raised a withered finger to his lips and said softly, "Be quiet, Ms. Granger. There is no need for us to discuss such matters."

 **Neville: Can we just-**

 **Luna: Smile, Neville! *takes picture***

 **Neville: Can we just find the rest of the DA? Before the Death Eaters *gulp* find us?!**

Dean tapped on his forehead, "That reminds me of some Muggle show that I have seen before."

"I think I know what you're talking about, but I can't quite remember the name either.", said Hermione.

 **Luna: Oh yeah, we're on a mission. The very last of the Death Eaters broke in and we gotta catch 'em! Maybe I should turn my flash off. Oops! That was a good one!**

 **Neville: Ah!**

 **Luna: Neville! Don't be such a guppy. What's the worst that could happen?**

Dean pointed at the screen, "That was another Muggle reference!"

Snape sighed, "Considering this is a Muggle production, there most likely will be more Muggle references. You do not need to point every single one out, Mr. Thomas."

 **Neville: We could get caught by the Death Eaters.**

 **Luna: I think you mean killed. We could get killed by the Death Eaters. That would be a lot worse.**

 **Neville: Oh d-d-dear.**

*Song time*

 **Luna: It's been a long time coming, but tonight is the end of the war, my friend. Tomorrow only one side will remain. We will win, or we will lose the fight. Either way, it's the end, no use to pretend. It's the final show, we gotta go, meet our destiny! This is the end!**

"She really is very similar to you, Luna.", said Ginny.

Luna nodded, "Indeed, she is."

 **Neville: Oh no! Death Eaters!**

 **Luna: Be merciful and kill us quickly!**

 **Fenrir: Well, well, well. If it isn't Luna Lovegood and Neville Schlongbottom.**

"But isn't that Sirius Black?", asked Crabbe.

"Have you never seen a theatrical production before?! People can play multiple characters!", snapped Voldemort.

 **Luna: Gasp. Fenrir Greyback.**

 **Death Eater: Can we kill them now, sir?**

 **Fenrir: Oh these two little piggies are gonna make a yummy snack, but not yet. For now, they'll serve as hostages. The rest of Dumbledore's Army must be here… somewhere.**

Ron scratched the top of his head, "Oi! Isn't that Sirius Black?"

Hermione sighed.

 **Neville: You won't get away with this, you villains!**

 **Fenrir: Oh really? You DA brats have been a thorn in our side through your sixth year at Hogwarts, but tonight we reclaim the ultimate weapon and the Death Eaters shall rise again!**

 ***Continue Song Time***

 **Death Eaters: Your time is running out. Where is your hero now? You can look everywhere but he's nowhere to be found. You look to your right- you're not gonna find him! You look to your left- he's not even there! Don't even try. He doesn't care about you. He's moved oooon. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone! This is the end!**

Harry stared blankly at the screen. Ginny nudged him, "Harry? You alright?"

After a few moments where Harry sat as still as a statue, he finally came to and looked at Ginny. "I'm fine." he muttered.

 ***Discontinues once again***

 **Fenrir: Here it is. At last! Finally, the ultimate artifact of evil within my grasp! Now all of wizardom shall fall to the Dark Mark! You two, however, won't be around for the show. I've been working so hard on this evil plan all year, I've worked up quite an appetite. It's time for a little weirdo sandwich with extra mo-RON!**

 **Ron: Did somebody say Ron?**

Neville laughed, "What a coincidence!"

Draco sneered, "Weasley really does put the Ron in moron."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Oh shut up, Malfoy."

Ginny stood up, "Hold on! Please pause the video." The video stopped playing, so Ginny continued. "Hermione, I love you, and you know that, but I am so confused! Just yesterday you were dating Malfoy and all was well and you were so happy. Now, you can't stand him. What the bloody hell is going on?!"

A few murmurs of agreement went up in the room. Hermione glared at Ginny, "It just didn't work out, alright? I mean, it lasted for what? A week? No more than three weeks I don't believe. I was under false pretenses that Malfoy was a good lad and that the relationship would be great, but then I remembered Ron. To be frank, I don't think I'd ever be able to fully forget Ron. As for Draco, as soon as I broke up with him he returned to his taunting obnoxious self. If that isn't proof as to the kind of person he is, then I don't know what is. There, is that enough for you?"

Ginny looked down at her shoes and shrugged, "Yeah, I guess." Draco didn't say anything, only scowled at the floor.

 **Fenrir: What?! No, I said mor-**

 **Luna & Neville: Ron!**

 **Ron: Stupefy!**

 **Fenrir: Argh!**

 **Ron: *catches thrown diary* Yes! Come on guys, let's get outta here!**

Ron grinned, "Am I a hero now?"

Harry laughed, "You always have been, mate."

 **Ron, Neville, and Luna: This is the end!**

 **Ron: Of all the fighting.**

 **Kids: This is the end.**

 **Ron: The people dying.**

 **Kids: This is the end.**

 **Ron: There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them.**

 **Kids: This is the end.**

 **Ron: The curtain's closing.**

 **Kids: This is the end.**

 **Ron: The final showing.**

 **Kids: This is the end.**

 **Ron: This is going to be the best scene in the whole show.**

 **Kids: This is the end.**

Voldemort pinched the bridge of where his nose should have been, "We get it, alright? This is the end."

Hermione stuck her bottom lip it out, "It kind of makes me sad that there will be no more musicals mocking us."

 **Ron: Alright, we're supposed to meet Hermione in here.**

 **Hermione: *dressed as a Death Eater* Ron! There you are!**

 **Luna: Neville! A Death Eater! Protect me!**

 **Neville: *Continues singing* This is my moment. This is my time. I'll impress Luna, then she'll be mine. *Discontinues singing* Take this, you Death Eater! This is for my family! *beats Hermione***

Luna looked towards Neville, "What?"

Neville had turned beet-red and refused to make eye contact with Luna.

 **Hermione: Ah! My nose!**

Harry laughed, "Are we sure this musical isn't about Voldemort?"

Voldemort stared at Harry, scaring him into shutting his mouth.

 **Ron: Neville, stop! That's Hermione! That's my girlfriend!**

 **Neville: Oh, d-d-d-dear.**

 **Ron: Hermione, are you okay?**

 **Luna: Wow, Neville! That was really cool! I've always wanted to punch Hermione in the face!**

Hermione frowned, "Gee, thanks."

 **Hermione: Oh goddammit! I think my nose got broken! *points wand at face* Reparo! Tell me Ron, what's the damage? *removes mask***

 **Ron: Woah! Hermione, don't be scared but… you look hot.**

Seamus scrambled up, "Whoa, really?!"

Hermione tossed a throw pillow at him, "Prat."

 **Hermione: Oh no! There goes all my credibility as an intellect-really?!**

 **Ron: Yeah! Look in this mirror!**

 **Hermione: Gasp! It didn't break! Well, I may look different, but you guys should just treat me like I'm the same old Hermione you know and love. *turns to audience* And that goes for you all, too. Ron, is that a book? I've never seen you with one of those before!**

"Oh, I get it! Because it's a different actress!" said Neville.

"What a bright young student we have, Dumbledore." muttered Snape.

 **Ron: It's a diary. We're trying to keep it away from the Death Eaters.**

 **Luna: And it's really fun!**

 ***Death Eater enters***

 **Death Eater: Rawr!**

 **Kids: Death Eater! *they run***

 **Hermione sings: It's been a long time coming, but tonight is the end of the war, my friend. Tomorrow, only one side will remain.**

 **Kids sing: This is the end, our time is running out. This is the end, where is our hero now? This is the end, he is nowhere to be found. This is the end of all the fighting. This is the end, the people dying. This is the end. There's no trying to deny, it's gonna be us or them. This is the end. This is the end. This is the end. This is the end. This is the end, this is the end, this is the end, this is the end, this is the end. This is the end!**

Voldemort groaned, "Does this song ever end?!"

Dumbledore nodded, "Obviously it does, they keep saying 'This is the end.'".

 **Luna: Oh boy, wow! Look at this veil! What's beyond it? Oh! It leads to hell! Hi!**

 **Fenrir: Finally caught up with you meddlesome stinkers! Now hand over that diary, you nerd! Struggle all you like!**

 **Hermione: No! Get away!**

 **Neville: Hermione! It's- it's…**

 **Fenrir: Oh no. Not him…**

 **Neville: It's Harry Potter!**

The room of students cheered, all except Voldemort, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Dumbledore, and Professor Snape.

"Correction," said Seamus, "It's Harry freakin' Potter."

 **Harry: Expelliarmus!**

 **Fenrir: Where are you going, you cretins?! He's just a child!**

 **Harry: I'm not a child anymore. I'm seventeen years old. Happy Birthday to me. And what better present than the last of the Death Eaters, all conveniently in the same place, wrapped in a big bow. You made a mistake coming here tonight, Fenrir.**

"Wasn't he just 12 yesterday?" asked Dean, "Man, I'm getting old."

"So now it's their final year of Hogwarts." said Ginny.

 **Fenrir: You arrogant little-**

 **Harry: You've been trying to kill me all year and now you threaten my friends?! Let's finish this.**

 **Fenrir: As you wish. Avada Kedavra!**

 **Harry: Jelly Legs Jinx!**

Seamus faked passing out, "Oh! Greyback is done for! No one withstands the jelly leg jinx!"

 **Fenrir: Woah! Woah! My legs are gel… *stumbles through veil* WAHH!**

 **Death Eater: Let's get out of here!**

 **Hermione: Harry! The rest of the Death Eaters are getting away!**

 **Harry: Oh no, they're not!**

 **Wizard Cop #1: Freeze motherf*cker, we're the Wizard Cops!**

Lavender raised both eyebrows, "I'm not going to lie, the wizard cops are both pretty attractive."

 **Kids: The Wizard Cops!**

 **Wizard Cop #2: On the ground!**

 **Kingsley: Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it again, ya'll.**

Cho frowned, "Hey! That's my line!"

 **Hermione: Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Minister of Magic!**

 **Kingsley: And Chief of the Wizard Cops. Well, now that ya'll saved the world and rounded up the last of these Dark Magic turkeys, I gotta ask; why the hell can't you kids just let me do my job for once?!**

"Gotta keep you on your toes." said Harry.

 **Hermione: Mr. Shacklebolt, you don't understand! We had to stop the Death Eaters! Harry was having these visions…**

 **Kingsley: Yeah, I already heard the whole story from your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He's the one that gave us the call to come down here tonight. Come on in, Alastor!**

 **Kids: Mad-Eye Moody!**

 **Mad-Eye Moody: That's right. That was some fine work you done here, Potter. I taught you well.**

"He's slightly less menacing than the actual Mad-Eye Moody." said Parvati.

"Agreed." said Lavender.

 **Harry: Thanks, Professor.**

 **Mad-Eye Moody: And you defeated Fenrir Greyback, did you?**

 **Ron: He sure did.**

 **Mad-Eye Moody: Nice. Very nice.**

 **Hermione: Looks like the Death Eaters were after this. *Holds up diary* But we manage to keep it away from them.**

"What's so special about a diary?" asked Dean.

Draco rolled his eyes, "Diaries can hold some of the world's deepest darkest secrets."

Dean mocked writing in a diary, "Dear diary, today I couldn't find my Wednesday knickers. They must have been stolen. My father will hear about this!"

 **Mad-Eye Moody: And it's a good thing you did, Miss Granger. If the Death Eaters were to get a hold of that, then the entire world would be in jeopardy. You best hand that over to me now. I'll keep it nice and safe.**

 ***Harry intercepts the diary***

 **Harry: Oh, I'm sure you would, Professor Moody, or should I say...Barty Crouch!**

Seamus put up both hands, "Hold on. I'm confused."

Dean shushed him, "Just keep watching."

 **Crouch: Blimey! *puts gun to Kingsley's head* No one move a goddamn muscle, you hear me?! Drop the wands. So Potter, how long have you known it was me?**

 **Harry: I've had my suspicions for a while. It was briefly mentioned Mad-Eye Moody died during my second year, but I wasn't sure it was you until tonight. Now you're gonna answer for your crimes, Farty Couch.**

"He's still alive, right?" asked Ron.

Dumbledore nodded, "He is."

 **Crouch: Oh yeah? I've got a better idea. Me and Mr. Shacklebolt are gonna make our way to the Floo Network, and we're going on a nice little trip, and none of you jive-a** bobbies is gonna follow! You dig?!**

 **Kingsley: Chill, my wizard-cats. We dig Mood-Eye. We dig.**

 **Harry: Oh Barty, if you're going on a vacation, I know a first rate hotel that offers free bodyguard service and meals. It has every amenity. One could live there.**

"Is it Hotel California?" asked Hermione, expecting laughter. When no one laughed she said, "Sometimes I miss Muggles."

 **Crouch : Oh, I'm sure they require reservations.**

 **Harry: Nope. You don't need one for Hotel Azkaban!**

 **Crouch: That's enough out of you, Potter, you self-righteous son of a b*tch. *points gun* Avada Kedavra! *nothing happens* Huh?**

"That happens frequently." said Luna.

Hermione: Stupefy!

 **Crouch: Ahhhh!**

 **Kids: Yay!**

 **Kingsley: That was some quick thinking. You just saved my life. But that still doesn't excuse what you kids did here tonight. Breaking into the Department of Mysteries, flying threshals right through the Queen's Day parade. You kittens may think Dumbledore's Army can take on the world, but ya'll should have called us the second you heard some funky sh*t was going down here tonight!**

 **Harry: Sorry Kingsley, just didn't have the time.**

"It's hard to access a telephone." said Hermione.

Ron frowned, "A what?"

Hermione grabbed his hand, "A phoneytell."

"Ah, ok." said Ron.

 **Kingsley: You know what, Potter?! You're a hot-shot loose-cannon! It's that kind of maverick attitude… that makes you perfect for the Wizard Cops!**

 **Kids: Wow!**

 **Kingsley: So what do you say, HP? You ready to join the force and take a bite out of crime?**

 **Harry: I'd love to. But I can't.**

 **Kingsley: And why the hell not?!**

 **Harry: 'Cause I'm going back to Hogwarts. Senior year starts September first.**

"Senior year?" asked Ron.

"It's just the final year of school in the Muggle world."

 **Kingsley: Haha. Well dang HP, you're right. It's a shame though; you would've made one wizard-goddamn, wizard-hell of a wizard-cop. Alright boys, pack these suckers up!**

 **Harry: Beaten again. You Death Eaters never learn. Your Dark Lord's been dead for five years. Why do you guys keep hanging on to something that's over?**

 **Crouch: Well, if it's over for me then it's over for you too, Potter. All you are is someone who fights us. When we're gone the world won't need a hero. And soon, you'll be forgotten. If the Dark Lord can't live forever, then neither can you.**

 **Harry: Take him away.**

"Whoa." said Neville.


End file.
